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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Am I over reacting to this? I am devastated by it.

45 replies

Overreactingmuch · 11/03/2014 21:53

My wonderful DH died last year after a battle with cancer. We didn't manage to have children but had the most wonderful, happy marriage.

I've recently found out my PIL held a church service in celebration of his life and have excluded me.

I was googling for inspiration for something and googled my DH's full name and up popped an entry in the announcement section of my PIL local paper which invited anyone who knew DH to come to a service to celebrate his life at their local church.

Last fucking year. I had no idea, and wasn't invited. I have written to them to tell them how upset I am - that they have demonstrably split me up from my husband, and to tell them I am unable to see them or speak with them as a result of it. Am I over reacting? Is it a normal thing to do and I can't see it? We had a wonderful funeral and celebration for him when he died, organised by me and including them.

Am I overreacting to be so hurt by this? I know that DH would have been raging - he most certainly would not have wanted me excluded.

I've name changed for this - it is too identifiable not to. Sorry.

OP posts:

Report

Shakey1500 · 11/03/2014 21:56

That's outrageous, and YADNBU. I am so sorry for your loss and the acute pain you must be feeling by their actions

WildThong · 11/03/2014 21:58

You are dnbu! Good for you writing to them to let them know your feelings.
Oh, and how very Christian of them

VivaLeBeaver · 11/03/2014 21:59

That's unbelievable. Its not a normal thing for them to do and you're not over reacting to be really upset and furious with them.

How's your relationship with them normally? Are they really religious and you're not so maybe they thought you wouldn't want it? Clutching at straws really as they still should have discussed it.

I'm sorry for your loss.

sonlypuppyfat · 11/03/2014 21:59

What a cruel thing to do unbelievable.

curiousuze · 11/03/2014 21:59

You are not over reacting, this is a horrible, cruel thing to do. Did they definitely do it on purpose, or did they think you would see the newspaper notice?

RandomMess · 11/03/2014 22:01

Blimey incredibly cruel, do they have a faith and you don't or something else meaning they weren't actually happy with what you organised?

Roshbegosh · 11/03/2014 22:01

I think that's pretty unforgivable, after what you have gone through it's really awful. I hope they apologise, it is horrible to fall out with his family. So sorry OP.

imip · 11/03/2014 22:02

They are arses, a terrible thing to do... I'd be raging too...

TwelveLeggedWalk · 11/03/2014 22:05

No, you are not over reacting.
Did a vicar hold a church service for a married man and not wonder where his wife was?!

MyGastIsFlabbered · 11/03/2014 22:08

That's horrific, what the fuck were they thinking? So sorry for your loss, and now this.

NigelMolesworth · 11/03/2014 22:09

Oh goodness me... that is disgraceful behaviour.

I am so sorry both for your loss, and for this discovery.

HumphreyCobbler · 11/03/2014 22:10

That is outrageous.

Pootlingalong · 11/03/2014 22:11

So sorry for your loss. YANBU, it must be very painful to be excluded like this. Is there any chance it is a misunderstanding?

ouryve · 11/03/2014 22:12

Good grief, you are not over-reacting, no. What utter bastards :(

Overreactingmuch · 11/03/2014 22:14

It was definitely on purpose - they advertised in their local paper in North Wales, and I live in SW England. I don't think they were internet savvy enough to know that it would be replicated on the www though. That wouldn't have crossed their mind.

I don't think they ever intended me to find out about it, tbh.

We had a normal family service at the local crem conducted by our priest, and an open service in our village church in the afternoon of the same day, also conducted by our priest. It was a wonderful day - a real celebration of DH's life by everyone who loved him. The church was rammed - standing room only.

I think they were happy with it - they said so. And I thought we had a decent relationship, hard work from my POV, but they ring three times a week to weep on my shoulder, have sent flowers, birthday/Xmas gifts, kind messages telling me that I am a much loved daughter in law. They didn't come and help when DH was I'll though.

I am baffled.

She managed to get through on the phone last week, despite my best efforts. She withheld her number and I'd just put the phone down after a call from the Coroner to give me the dates of the inquest into DH's death and she snuck through. Irritatingly, it was just before the postman will have delivered my letter to her so I had to tell her why I had been avoiding her calls, and that I'd found out about the service she had held. She told me it was fabulous and that DH would have loved it because all his friends were there. I managed to tell her that DH would have hated it before I had to hang up on her.

OP posts:

gilliangoof · 11/03/2014 22:14

Unbelievable. What on earth?

TamerB · 11/03/2014 22:17

It is unforgivable - what were they thinking about? You wonder want others made of it when they went and you were missing. I would be so upset I would be unable to speak to them.
Could you speak to the vicar about it? See if he knew you existed. The whole thing is odd because his life would be talked about at the service- how could they miss the main part out? I would definitely start with talking to the vicar, take a friend with you.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 11/03/2014 22:18

Oh how awful! No, you are not overreacting in any way. How dreadful & hurtful can people be? I am actually quite upset on your behalf about this.

Bifauxnen · 11/03/2014 22:19

Where was the funeral, in Wales or SE England? Is it possible they organised a get together of people who may not have been to the funeral, old acquaintances and the like? Seems odd they'd look to exclude you on purpose.

Thewhingingdefective · 11/03/2014 22:21

You're not overreacting.

It was a low stunt to pull. Why would they do that?

I'm very sorry, for your loss, and for the way you've been treated.

TamerB · 11/03/2014 22:22

I cross posted so see you have the difficulty of distance.

Oldandcobwebby · 11/03/2014 22:24

What a truly awful thing to do to you. I can't imagine what on earth they were thinking.

BiscuitMillionaire · 11/03/2014 22:24

That is unbelievably awful, it's as if they want to somehow take ownership of him.

I'm so sorry for your loss, which must still be very raw.

VivaLeBeaver · 11/03/2014 22:25

Have they tried to ring back since you told her that?

Maybe due to grief they just haven't been thinking straight? Are there any brothers/sisters of your dh you can talk to?

RandomMess · 11/03/2014 22:27

Do you think it was just for the people from his childhood and local area who perhaps didn't travel to the SW?

None of this explains why they didn't tell you and ask whether you wanted to come or not. Very very odd behaviour.

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