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To feel like a murderer

(77 Posts)
TheWorstPain Thu 20-Feb-14 16:19:00

I have never known pain like this
I feel like my life is over

My child was stillborn recently and I feel like I killed her. So many things I didn't do 'right' in pregnancy through ignorance or being too blasé about it all. We don't know why she died yet.

The main thing that's worrying me is that I had a few rare steaks and medium burgers. One just before she died. I've now read about toxiplasmosis and how it can cause stillbirth and I just had no idea. I thought the worst you could get with undercooked meat was a nasty bout of vomiting. I didn't realise there were direct risks to my unborn child. And I consider myself educated and well read up on pregnancy. How could I be so stupid.

I also didnt know there was a listeria risk from pre packaged sandwiches, bagged salad and cold meat. I do now.

I've convinced myself that it was one of these things that killed her, in the absence of any other solid findings. She was just healthy and fine one minute, and dead the next.

If I find out it was something I did, I really don't know how I can go on feeling like a baby-killer.

My heart is breaking. I feel like the unluckiest person in the world.

HeartShapedBox Thu 20-Feb-14 16:23:28

oh no, I doubt it's your fault, sweetheart.

even if you "did" something, you're not a murderer. you didn't mean to harm your child.

I'm so sorry for your loss. thanks

somedizzywhore1804 Thu 20-Feb-14 16:23:45

That isn't why she died.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but you did nothing wrong. A lot of women have healthy babies and don't even know they're pregnant so are eating and drinking all sorts with no ill effects. Heroin addicts have healthy babies. So your few rare steaks wasn't what did it- it was just shitty unfair luck.

Thinking of you OP.

CailinDana Thu 20-Feb-14 16:24:50

You did not kill your bsby daughter. You loved her and wanted her and she was taken from you. That is totally and utterly awful and unfair but you are not to blame. I know that won't make you feel any less responsible but that's the truth. Shit horrible things happen to people for no reason and you had the terrible bad luck that this happened to you and your daughter.

Would you like to tell us her name? And maybe a bit about her?

LoisWilkerson1 Thu 20-Feb-14 16:26:14

So sorry for you loss flowers You should speak to someone about how you are feeling maybe SANDS? Don't blame yourself xx

Gileswithachainsaw Thu 20-Feb-14 16:26:17

Oh sweetie, I very much doubt you did anything. It was the worst possible luck but that's all it was. Rotten luck!!!!

The chances of you or your baby getting sick from any of the things you listed are extremely slim.

If you avoided all the foods and stuff listed you wouldn't have eaten or done a thing.

Please stop blaming yourself it's incredibly sad but sometimes these things just happen. It was nothing you did xxx

So sorry for your loss thanks

neiljames77 Thu 20-Feb-14 16:26:19

You have been exactly that. Unlucky. Sadly, these things are beyond anybody's control. Don't punish or blame yourself.

phantomnamechanger Thu 20-Feb-14 16:27:33

I delivered a stillborn DD3 after we terminated a much wanted pregnancy for serious medical reasons. DD was 20 weeks, with a very rare chromosome abnormality, and was showing signs of slow growth and probably would not have made it to term anyway. My friend choose to carry her baby to term knowing he would be born with downs syndrome, and sadly her baby just died in the womb at 38 weeks. I don't know whether you were full term or not, but it is very very unlikely, unless you were being reckless with drink and drugs, that anything you did or ate caused your baby's death.

I am very sorry for your loss, I hope you are getting counselling and all the other necessary postnatal care for your own physical recovery. You will never forget your precious baby but please know that you are NOT alone, stillbirth, for no known reason is one of the taboos of our age. Look after yourself and know that the pain will lessen in time, it really will. I hope you have lots of loving support around you, please do not feel this was in any way your fault.

DoItTooJulia Thu 20-Feb-14 16:28:15

I always post this link in these circumstances. OP, it's a fantastic place for parents who have lost babies.

I'm sorry for your loss.

sadbodyblue Thu 20-Feb-14 16:29:08

this is not your fault. it's just a dreadful tragic accident.

are toy getting any support? flowers and hugs xx

bearsprout Thu 20-Feb-14 16:31:40

This is not your fault. You have not put her at risk, you have both been the victims of a terrible, terrible tragedy.

The things you mention are things we have done, and you know they're things we didn't do with the baby we lost.

Sometimes there is little rhyme or reason to life, it just is what it is and it becomes increasingly important to understand and accept that. It breaks your heart enough - don't search for reasons that make it worse.

This is not your fault, it really isn't, please don't think that - I could cry tears for you. Will pray for you both.

persimmon Thu 20-Feb-14 16:31:43

I'm so sorry for your loss - I can't begin to imagine how awful it must be. You poor, poor thing - it was just random terrible luck, not your fault. When you feel ready you must contact other similarly bereaved parents.xx

Tiredtomybones Thu 20-Feb-14 16:34:23

Absolutely not your fault I'm sure. Accept any support you feel able to and be kind to yourself.

HadABadDay2014 Thu 20-Feb-14 16:35:34

Nothing you did or didn't do caused your daughter to be still birth.

I am very sorry for your loss.

usernameunknown Thu 20-Feb-14 16:35:57

I'm sorry for your loss.

I have been where you are and I think it's natural for us to blame ourselves when there is no real reason for it happening. It took me a long time to realise it wasn't my fault and you too will eventually believe those telling you that xxx

RichTeaAreCrap Thu 20-Feb-14 16:37:28

This is absolutely not your fault, just a very, very sad loss that is cruel for you to have to suffer.

I cant imagine how awful you must be feeling, but please try not to blame yourself at all. I am so sorry for your loss.

TheWorstPain Thu 20-Feb-14 16:39:36

I just don't know how I could be so ignorant
I really had no idea I could kill her with a bit of pink burger, but I've looked now and that information is everywhere. I wouldn't have touched it if I had known.

Post mortem may tell us, but it's weeks away.
I hate myself. I can't believe this is my life.

Guitargirl Thu 20-Feb-14 16:39:41

Your dreadful loss is absolutely not because of anything you have or haven't done. It is totally normal to feel how you do but your baby's death is not your fault.

A friend of delivered a baby at 40 weeks, her baby had died because of an 'unspecified infection'. It was just rotten, rotten luck, absolutely nothing she could have done to prevent it although she also felt like you are feeling now. I don't know many mothers who wouldn't feel guilt and want to look for a reason. But it is absolutely not your fault. The medics will be able to reassure you on that.

Keep posting on here, there are others who have had similar terribly sad experiences and may be able to help.

angelopal Thu 20-Feb-14 16:47:31

Sorry for your loss. You are not blame. However after loosing dc1 neonatally I understand how easy it is to blame yourself especially when you do not know the cause.

SANDS are very supportive. Its good to talk to people who are going through the same thing and know you are not alone.

TimeToPassGo Thu 20-Feb-14 16:49:46

You are not to blame OP and your pain is obvious and heartbreaking. Take whatever support you can in RL and here. I am so sorry for your loss - it is every pregnant woman's worst nightmare and the arbitrary nature of it only makes things worse. Thinking about you x

LurkingNineToFive Thu 20-Feb-14 16:52:51

Im so sorry for your tragic loss. It's absolutely not your fault, you would never have done anything knowingly that would harm your unborn child. I've only just realised by reading this that sandwiches are an issue. We can't all know everything about everything.

gordyslovesheep Thu 20-Feb-14 16:54:06

Oh OP sad it really must be the worst pain but please know it will be NOTHING you did NOTHING

The most heartbeaking things with stillbirth is there is usually no reason at all xxxx

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Thu 20-Feb-14 16:59:19

I'm so sorry OP, it's a horrible tragedy. But you didn't kill her, it's a cruel and awful thing to have happened and I am so so sorry for your loss.

DebbieOfMaddox Thu 20-Feb-14 16:59:46

I'm so sorry, OP.

It is really very unlikely to be anything you did.

Everyone panics about cot death/SIDS but stillbirth is far far more common, just doesn't get talked about as much. In the vast, vast, VAST majority of those cases there is nothing at all the parents did that contributed to their baby's death.

Please talk to someone at SANDS. They have been where you are now.

eurochick Thu 20-Feb-14 17:00:05

This is not your fault. The chance that toxo or listeria led to the stillbirth is vanishingly small. It is much more likely that it was a clot in the placenta or an infection or something else completely unpreventable that led to your daughter's tragic death. Please do not blame yourself.

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