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My Mum died today.

(15 Posts)
Destinysdaughter Mon 17-Feb-14 23:37:22

My dear mum passed away this morning. She was 81 and had been in a nursing home after suffering a severe stroke over 4 years ago. The stroke left her paralysed down on side, unable to speak or swallow food and doubley incontinent. I felt like I lost my mum years ago as cognitively she just wasn't there. It was also really upsetting to see her like that, a shell of a woman. Twice last year the nursing home thought she was close to death but she pulled through. I am glad now her suffering is finally over. I am trying to remember her as she was before the stroke, how kind she was, her love of knitting and tapestry, her lovely cooking and cuddles when I was a kid. RIP Mum.

LadyStark Mon 17-Feb-14 23:39:57

I am very sorry for your loss. RIP thanks

BrianTheMole Mon 17-Feb-14 23:41:39

Its very hard. I lost my dad just over a week ago. He's not suffering anymore. I'm glad your mum isn't suffering anymore too. Its going to be a bit strange for you for quite a while. But remember she's at peace now. Remember the good stuff. It will be ok. Take care op.

mammmamia Mon 17-Feb-14 23:45:55

Very sorry for your loss. RIP xx
My best friend's dad has recently suffered a stroke as you describe and is now in a nursing home. Like you, she feels she's already lost her dad even though he's still alive.
Glad she is no longer suffering and wishing you strength and love.

QOD Mon 17-Feb-14 23:46:53

Sorry for your loss xx

abitofanangrybird Mon 17-Feb-14 23:47:06

I'm sorry to hear that you lost your mum today. I understand your sense of relief in some respects, but am sure it's still really upsetting for you. Your good memories of your mum sound wonderful and nothing can ever take those away from you. Please be kind to yourself over the next few days and weeks OP.

browneyesblue Mon 17-Feb-14 23:48:11

I am so sorry for your loss x

Decanter Mon 17-Feb-14 23:58:44

I am so very sorry for your loss xx

Scarletbanner Tue 18-Feb-14 00:01:26

So sorry. May she rest in peace.

trufflesnuffler Tue 18-Feb-14 00:03:07

I'm so sorry Destiny, talk to us about anything. We would love to hear your memories x

Ohheavens Tue 18-Feb-14 12:21:53

So sorry for your loss Destiny.
Your mom sounded lovely.
Wishing you strength

StupidMistakes Tue 18-Feb-14 12:35:46

Im so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum nearly nine months ago

Destinysdaughter Wed 19-Feb-14 17:43:54

Thanks for all your messages. I've been crying quite a lot. Thought I'd feel relieved when she finally died as it was horrid seeing her in that state but its just brought forth all the suppressed feelings of grief I've been carrying for so long.

The hardest thing is the fact that she's going to be cremated and I can't bear the thought of her physically being burnt until there's nothing left. I know she's already gone but it feels so brutal and final, it's like she's being burnt to death.

Am also struggling with the funeral arrangements re my 2 older sisters. We've got such different ideas about how to proceed. One sister thinks we should have a humanist ceremony as my mum was v anti religion ( was brought up in a v strict religious environment ) whereas my other sister thinks that the funeral is basically for other people ( aunts etc) and therefore should be religious.

I also thought it would be nice to invite the relatives back to ours afterwards as they will be travelling about an hour to come to the funeral. There will only be 5 of them. Both my sisters don't really want to do that and are only focussing on how much the house will have to be cleaned in order to invite them back. So tired of arguing with my older sisters over every little thing. They are just so different from me, very practical and don't really 'do' emotions. I'm just the opposite!

Finally, my dad has dementia and is blind. I was talking to my sister about whether we should take him to the funeral as he won't really understand where he is and what is going on. My older sister said, crossly, of course we should, imagine how it will look if we don't take him. It hadn't even crossed my mind about how it would look, it was more about not taking away from him the opportunity to say goodbye to his wife in whatever limited capacity he is able to do that. He literally can't remember anything short term so will probable be asking what time it is, what's the day and date and what's happening next throughout the service as he has no comprehension of time anymore.


pudcat Wed 19-Feb-14 18:20:43

I am so sorry, I know what you are going through.
We are having a cremation , but striking a balance by having a funeral celebrant taking the "service". No bible reading or prayers, but a hymn and a poem. The funeral director was really good in helping us decide what to do. My sister is like yours.
Re the house cleaning, just do the rooms that they will see. Relatives are coming back here - all 8 of them. they will have to take me as they find me. I will not see them again for ages. Then again you might want to clean to keep occupied.
Does your Dad know that your Mum has died? If not I myself would let things be. It will only cause him more confusion.
We didn't take Mum to her sister's funeral as she did not realise that she had died.
Take care. The crying does stop for a while but then seems to come back as the funeral draws near.

DorothyGherkins Wed 19-Feb-14 18:28:09

Sorry to hear about your mum. Hope you have some lovely memories.

When my mum died none of us children lived locally, so we couldnt invite anyone back to 'ours'. We asked a pub local to the church if they would do a small buffet. They did - it was lovely, not expensive, and they had plenty of chairs, and we didnt have to do an almighty clean up before guests arrived. Is this something you could consider? It was lovely to sit and reminisce, without all the stress at a time when we were ill equipped to cope with.

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