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My gran just died, my mum is in bits.

(5 Posts)
Scarbella2 Tue 11-Feb-14 16:15:29

As the title says my gran died last week. She developed a critical illness quickly and died. She was a gorgeous, kind person. We all feel so sad having lost her but my mam (her daughter) is heartbroken. She looks dreadful, says she can't sleep when she goes to bed, and is overall just sad.
I suppose what I'm asking for is help. I don't know what to do. I know she needs time to accept it all but I don't know if I should be keeping her busy or giving her space.
I hate seeing her so distraught. She is such a strong woman but this is really testing her.
Any helpful suggestions out there?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime Tue 11-Feb-14 16:21:48

So sorry to hear this.

I would say, just be there for her, listen to her cues, let her talk, and let it be as important to her as it is. Call her or be with her lots.

Mollydoggerson Tue 11-Feb-14 16:23:42

I am very sorry for your loss.

I was very grateful when a school friend of mine persistently called to me every week for about 2-3 months after my dad died. ometimes we didn't talk about him at all, just chit chatted, but the company was nice.

When my father died, or at least afterwards, I helped my mother clear out the medical press and dispose of the left over pills, helped go through all the cards, read them together, weeped, thought about the mortuary cards.

My advice would be just be there for her, help her when she wants to do something, but don't push anything. Let her take the steps that need to be taken in her own time.

My friend who called to me (who lost her mum in her 20's), told me it takes 3 years to get over a death like that. Well I am just over 1 year into the process and from my experience, the first year is very hard. It is not a fast process. Sometimes people will laugh and joke and have fun, and you will think they are ok, but grieving takes time. Losing a parent is something I think you never really get over, it changes you, but you do appreciate the people that support you along the way.

Scarbella2 Tue 11-Feb-14 16:32:34

Thank you lady and Molly,

I am going to see her everyday and then ringing her in the evening. The main thing I am worried about is her focus on how her two brothers acted throughout the funeral. They turned into bully types with little or no regard for family members but lots of warmth towards others who were in attendance. Now I do agree that these two acted in the wrong but she seems fixated on this and I'm worried she hasn't even begun to grieve.
I dunno if this even makes sense.

Mollydoggerson Wed 12-Feb-14 15:55:15

She might not have started grieving yet, she might be in shock.

I can understand the frustration that your mum might feel towards her brothers. I remember I kept repeating to myself, 'don't judge, just support'. People don't really know how to react to deaths. No-one owns all the grief and no-one siblng can control the other siblings.

I know me and my siblings grew apart for a while after Dad died, we retreated into our own way of grieving.

It is so difficult.

A year later and we all support each other a little better now, but directly after the death it is so raw and there is shock and even disaciation. Each person is going through their own process of accepting what has happened.

Again I am so sorry for your loss and your mum's loss. It is so heartwrenching.

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