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Loss, love and lack of support

(353 Posts)
Mojito100 Thu 06-Feb-14 13:56:54

I'm not sure truly where this post should go. It was the anniversary of my daughters passing last week. She has been gone 5 long years which is now longer than she graced me with her presence. It is her birthday next week and as others in this forum would understand I get up and go on each day but underneath I am dead and purely executing the emotions expected if me. I have cried and cried until I think there are no more tears until the next bout come. I madly love my two DS's yet one has such significant behavioural problems I feel completely alone and unsupported. I am a sole parent and the kids have no acces to their father. My family are great but don't understand my ds or all that I try to do to help him. The school do their best yet have an archaic mindset. I needed to vent and didn't know where else to go. It's one of those times I feel so helpless and just want someone to help carry this burden. How do you help those you love to breaking point and love those you have lost so tragically. I know I will get up tomorrow and put on the mask yet how do I go on now when I can't stop the flood of feelings.

LilyTheSavage Fri 30-Dec-16 22:43:23

Facing the pain is the price of loving. Grief is the price we pay for great loss.

Sending you love for a peaceful 2017. flowers cake brew

Mojito100 Thu 29-Dec-16 14:40:52

I'm about to try to work through the pain and anguish of your loss and will try not to go to avoidance but face the pain and acknowledge it to the best of my ability.

LilyTheSavage Sun 25-Dec-16 05:49:31

Holding you tight dear Mojito. Holding you tight. She should be here with you. It's all just so wrong. Sending love.

Mojito100 Sat 24-Dec-16 12:47:26

My darling girl. It breaks my heart you aren't here with me. Photos of you around the house just aren't enough. I want to feel your cuddles and hear your giggle. I am sorry for failing you in so many ways during your short life. You deserved so much more.

Mojito100 Sun 18-Dec-16 12:44:15

Lily - you have been on my mind a lot. Not do down at the moment. Ds and I snuggling in bed watching iPads and me reading mn. It's lovely when they are close. It helps with the sadness that lurks.

LilyTheSavage Sun 18-Dec-16 07:55:22

Hi Mojito. I'm sorry I haven't dropped in for a while. I've just been keeping my head down.

Your loss is even more painful today than it had been for awhile. It lives there under the surface, lurking and never far away. Today it is out in full force and life without you in it is extremely hard st the moment. Another year sneaks by. I live it day to day but it just is not complete the way it was. This describes it exactly. I'm sorry that grief and longing have pushed their way to the top again. I truly hope that you can find some peace and equilibrium soon again.

Just saw your posts and wanted to check in.

Sending love.

Mojito100 Thu 15-Dec-16 21:48:29

Oh shit. At this very moment I am loathing my new boss. I decided to drop my AD medication which has been good but I'm wondering if that is why I am more teary. I don't like feeling nothing but finding the balance isn't easy. Roll on holidays from work and my new boss moving to another job. It's just not far enough away. What a shame.

1234hello Sun 11-Dec-16 19:08:52

I'm very glad to hear that you have rested and are not so low. Do keep looking after yourself and reaching out for support here or in RL.

Mojito100 Sun 11-Dec-16 12:54:41

Thanks for checking in 1234. I managed to find some time out this weekend and actually slept. The exhaustion can really sneak up on you. I'm feeling more even today and not so low. It's so hard to explain what the loss of a child is like.

1234hello Fri 09-Dec-16 16:29:12

Your pain is palpable Mojito. I'm so sorry. Hope you managed to get some rest last night. How are you today?

Mojito100 Thu 08-Dec-16 12:42:47

Emotionally exhausted at the moment which is making me physically exhausted.

Mojito100 Mon 05-Dec-16 13:57:46

To my darling girl. Your loss is even more painful today than it had been for awhile. It lives there under the surface, lurking and never far away. Today it is out in full force and life without you in it is extremely hard st the moment. Another year sneaks by. I live it day to day but it just is not complete the way it was.

LilyTheSavage Mon 30-May-16 07:58:21

I know what you mean.

Trying to get a balance between allowing yourself to grieve and keeping going for the sake of the others is exhausting. I sometimes feel that I really need a good sob but it just doesn't come, and then other times it's overwhelming.

I don't like being broken.

Mojito100 Tue 24-May-16 12:01:39

Still having thoughts about the garden. I think I hesitate because it's just another sign of her not being here. Up and down at the moment neither good nor bad. Often both and just trying to balance it all as best I can.

LilyTheSavage Wed 20-Apr-16 08:17:54

Coffee cup is at the ready. Thinking of you and your dd and sending love. It's a beautiful bright and sunny spring day here (but also quite chilly at the same time).

I'd like to do some baking but the danger is that I'd eat it all.

Did you have any further thoughts about your memorial garden?

Much love. XXX

Mojito100 Sat 02-Apr-16 14:52:43

I just needed that message and to think of you having your coffee. Not to sad today but just that undercurrent of sadness that tinges all you experience sitting with me today.

I'm baking tomorrow. I think I bake when I need to shift the emotions. Hockey is just about to start for us and whilst watching the A grade men tonight I thought of Paddy and Will.

Did Rory play hockey too?

I can see Paddy so clearly when I'm at the hockey from the photos you sent. Take care and I hope your garden brings some solace this weekend.

LilyTheSavage Sat 02-Apr-16 09:00:51

I'm still sitting in bed like a big lazy slug but I have a cup of coffee..... just lifted it to you and your DD. Sending love.

LilyTheSavage Mon 28-Mar-16 10:07:52

Hi Mojito

Thank you as always for your thoughts. I now think of you and your DD when I see Victoria Sponge.... as well as Paddy. Bitter sweet.

I'll be really interested to see what you come up with for your garden memorial. What about a garden with scented flowers and plants to attract butterflies. Some people think that butterflies are a symbol and evoke our darling children. You could have climbers if it was against a wall or fence or maybe even a small water feature to attract more wildlife. Just a thought. So hard.

Sending love flowers cake

Mojito100 Mon 28-Mar-16 00:45:06

I'm off to have coffee and think of you and Paddy in a minute. I need that reflection time. I find if I don't have it that the emotions bottle up and overflow quite quickly.

I'm just in the process of choosing what I want in my garden as a memorial to DD. It's hard to find something that is fitting and remains another reminder of the fact I can't snuggle up with her and just hold her.

LilyTheSavage Wed 16-Mar-16 13:38:48

I was thinking of you and your DD while I was out in the garden this morning. I had on a horrid old boiler suit (think workman) and boots and hat and I sat grubbing about in the earth. Nice image? Hope you got the lovely positive thoughts I was sending your way.

Glad things are a bit calmer and hope you and DS2 can find a way towards the next stage. Well done for taking your meds. It obviously makes a difference and the fact that you can see and recognise that they help is important. cake

Mojito100 Wed 16-Mar-16 11:29:18

The sponge is very great fully received and Paddy is in my thoughts as always. Things are calmer here now that I am taking my meds as prescribed and not assuming I knew better!

Boys are good. We're hanging out for Easter and a bit of time off. Started with CAMHS and my first session was basically one of tears. Hopefully this weeks session will he focussed more on DS2 and how to get to the next stage.

LilyTheSavage Wed 16-Mar-16 06:16:45

Just checking in with you. Hope things are a little calmer and you feel more under control again.

Sending cake - Victoria sandwich obviously and much love.

Mojito100 Sun 06-Mar-16 07:41:29

Thank you. CAMHS are an amazing support to me too. They give me do many strategies to help DS and also allow me a place to talk.

They will give me some recommendations of people to see so I will investigate those.

LilyTheSavage Sat 05-Mar-16 19:32:52

Oh Mojito. You sound exhausted. Well done for restarting CAMHS. Thank goodness DS2 was willing to talk and engage. That's a positive step.

Can you get help from them too?

I can only imagine how are you feeling at the prospect of dealing with DD's death. Have you got anyone who will help you to make those first terrifying steps? You can't do that alone I think. I'm only at the end of a keyboard, but I'm holding your hand.

Sending love. flowers

Mojito100 Fri 04-Mar-16 11:50:03

I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment. My head and my emotions seem to be such a jumble that I just can't sort out. It hurts at the moment.

This week was exhausting and a real struggle every moment of every day.

We started back at CAMHS today. I know it will be good for both of us. It was amazing watching DS2 actually sit in his chair and talk about his emotions. He used to hide under or behind things because it was just so hard for him.

He is doing brilliantly but I really think it is me that needs the help from CAMHS. I feel like I have regressed a little bit which is why he is slipping too.

I think it's time to truly deal with the loss of DD but it terrifies me. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to actually do it. The only thing that has held me together this far is being strong. To find I'm not might just completely undo me.

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