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Reliving every moment

(12 Posts)
Arkina Mon 20-Jan-14 04:07:15

My dad died very suddenly 5 years ago next weekend. He went into hospital for a minor procedure on the Thursday. Had his op on the Friday. Started to deteriorate on Saturday tea time and we were all called to the hospital. We stayed at the hospital til Tuesday lunch time and he passed away early Tuesday morning.

Ive always had an amazing memory for detail and every year from Saturday tea time I almost literally relive the whole weekend. I remember aspects noone else does and can pretty much tell you at any point what we were doing at a specific time. Ive taken 2 days off work because I know ill be fit for nothing

Apart from the anniversary weekend I cope pretty well with the loss of my dad.

Has anyone else found they do this and how did they cope or break the cycle

SuzanneUK Mon 20-Jan-14 11:29:08

The loss of your dad has hit you very hard, obviously, and my thoughts go out to as the anniversary of that tragic time approaches.

With regard to your annual reaction to the event, if you expect to feel utterly dreadful you probably will feel utterly dreadful. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

That's not to say the anniversary shouldn't make you sad. It's likely you'll feel sad every year at that time for the rest of your life. That's entirely normal.

The problem is that the annual sadness is incapacitating you, and that's not normal.

I doubt anyone on Mumsnet has the talent to make the problem disappear simply by writing a helpful posting and so I suggest you scoot along to your GP as soon as possible and tell him/her what's happening.

Good luck.


t875 Tue 21-Jan-14 09:29:04

Hi Arkana.

So very sorry for you loss. The time and the time line around losing your dad is so fresh in your mind. This is a tough one as I know after 2 years in April I again will remember all the little things leading up to the sudden passing of my wonderful mum.
But I do have to try not to think too much like that as I know it will drag me down and she wouldn't want that for me. We mourned her last year so sad and disbelieving and I know being the lady she was she wouldn't want us to do that. This year we will have fish and chips ( she loved it) and play some songs she would like and share funny warm memories of her.

I would maybe talk to cruse and just tell them what you told here and they will advise you.
All the very best to you xx

t875 Tue 21-Jan-14 09:30:57

To add though which I didn't when I wrote this. I can imagine also very hard when the anniversary comes round x

LadyGreenTea Tue 21-Jan-14 09:38:55

Hi Arkina, (((hugs))) I'm afraid I don't have anything useful to add because I am in exactly the same situation as you. Fortunately(?!) I am a SAHM so I just make sure that I will do nothing but the bare minimum on that day because I know that I can't cope with much else. I doubt one can ever totally forget this event, but hopefully over time the memories of the tiniest details might fade... because they trigger such sadness.

When I feel memories coming upon me, I do try to consciously shut them out, because it does no good to sit and cry. Some days are better than others.

SuzanneUK what can a GP do? I've not really talked to mine at all since my mother died. And what is considered "normal"?? I really don't understand.

SuzanneUK Tue 21-Jan-14 10:16:34

SuzanneUK what can a GP do? I've not really talked to mine at all since my mother died. And what is considered "normal"?? I really don't understand

The GP's options will depends how seriously a person has been affected by the loss of the loved one. Your GP will explain much better than I can, as s/he will have a much better idea of your individual circumstances.

It's clear that the OP has been hit terribly hard by her bereavement and is suffering much more than might normally be expected.

Normally, time is the great healer in bereavement cases but sometimes time doesn't do a very good job. That's when you might want to consider professional help.

anastasia74 Tue 21-Jan-14 18:43:42

Hi Ankina, so sorry for your loss, I also lost my father coming up to 5 years now.

What you describe, I can really relate to. Everything moment being played out in your mind in fine detail on a continuous reel. I experienced it very regularly in the first few years, not so much now thank goodness. I did have loads of questions for the high dependency unit and ICU so, I think this was my way of resolving what happened to my father. Now, after the passage of time I have a feeling of acceptance. Hope that you get to that stage soon as well

Arkina Tue 21-Jan-14 19:37:15

Thanks so much for the comments. Ive seen my gp in the past and shes not overly concerned. She said theres no correct way to grieve and the fact its just the anniversary weekend I dont cope she doesnt feel its a problem.

I've had counselling too and again the councellor wasnt overly concerned.

ive had friends say oh try not to think about it, oh if it was only that easy.

its nice to see Im not the only one who struggles through. Even if its not 'normal' its out with my control

SuzanneUK Tue 21-Jan-14 20:04:32

Arkina, I think people are being unhelpful simply because they've no idea how to help you, no matter how much they might want to.

My heart goes out to you, and I'm sure the same is true of many other readers of this thread.


Tryandguessthisonethen Tue 21-Jan-14 20:18:03

I also lost my dad 8 years ago. Literally dropped down dead with no illness or warning. A huge shock. I Could also tell you in quite a lot of detail, the horrific days that followed.

I however, think it's completely normal. I absolutely dread the anniversary, bit as time passes, I find the anticipation of the event is often worse that the day. Of course it's sad. I do something to remember him and try and do something nice as well....take mum out for a meal etc, but the bad memories are bound to creep in at this time. Other times, the memories are nice ones.

Perhaps it will get better, perhaps it won't, but don't worry about it. Everyone grieves differently.

Hugs to you, Blimey, I know exactly how you are feeling ��

Tryandguessthisonethen Tue 21-Jan-14 20:18:49

That was supposed to be a sad

Newyearchanger Tue 21-Jan-14 20:21:41

I find at the same time every year I start to fret and feel anxious then at the time of death feel a pain and then it passes. It happens even when I have been doing other things and " forgotten" ... It's been 15 years now but a terrible shock at the time and I do remember every detail .

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