DB lost a twin at 20 weeks... What can help?

(9 Posts)
Anothersadnamechange Thu 16-Jan-14 14:04:09

I can't believe I'm name changing again, crap things just keep happening. My darling baby brother and his lovely wife found out today at their weekly scan that they have lost one of their beautiful twin boys. I have no words to express how sad I feel for them. I have called and spoken to him but she is resting, of course. How can I help them? I have a bf 7 month old baby and they live about an hour away so realistically I can't leave him and additionally I am taking him into hospital for a major operation on Monday so although usually I'd say sod it and leave babe with DH and a bottle, I just don't feel able to do that right now. Sorry it's not about me but I didn't want to drip feed. I am very much a 'fix it' person who gives advice and help, always has an opinion. Luckily I also have some emotional intelligence so have felt this is not the time to do that. I gave them bags and bags of baby clothes a few weeks ago, I just feel awful about it. Can anyone give me advice so that I help them hold their pain, not make it worse?

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Anothersadnamechange Thu 16-Jan-14 14:25:02

Is this the wrong area to post? Should I move to bereavement?

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MrsWolowitz Thu 16-Jan-14 14:28:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsWolowitz Thu 16-Jan-14 14:28:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anothersadnamechange Thu 16-Jan-14 14:29:37

Thanks mrs W, I just can't stop crying!! I miss the little guy already.

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bakingtins Thu 16-Jan-14 19:51:30

Really sorry to hear that. I think you are spot on that you mustn't try to 'fix' it, but just say how sorry you are. There is nothing that will make it better, but it will help to know they are loved and that you care. There will be people who can't resist the urge to minimise it by saying "at least" but make sure you are not one of them. I wouldn't worry about the baby clothes, you were trying to help and I imagine they've been put away for a while anyway.
Many people on similar threads have said not flowers (because they die) but chocolate, pamper treats etc all good.
I hope your son's surgery goes well, you seem to have an awful lot to cope with at the moment. flowers

Anothersadnamechange Thu 16-Jan-14 20:23:52

No one on our side of the family is minimising. It feels very similar to a friend' stillborn baby and my DB Is in pieces. It's not my loss but I feel so sad because I was so excited for them and to meet my DNS. I can't even imagine how my DSIL is feeling, it just feels brutal. But I want to be led by them too, because they somehow have to carry on with their pregnancy and their loss at the same time. My DSIL is still feeling very nauseous so not sure she'd welcome chocs. Maybe a warm scarf/throw? I just want to wrap her up right now...

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SapSuma Thu 16-Jan-14 20:28:27

Im so sorry. On a practical note (following the 'throw' comment) if you have £100 ish to spend, lakeland were doing a gorgeous heated throw just before christmas. flowers

Anothersadnamechange Thu 16-Jan-14 21:09:53

Thanks sapsuma, might not quite be able to stretch to that but your thought is very appreciated

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