Why does it seem to feel harder 10 years on?

(11 Posts)
Frozenatchristmas Thu 09-Jan-14 18:17:41

I just don't know why I seem to be struggling this year.

In February 2004 my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She died in April 2004.

In march 2004 my brother was killed in Iraq.

It really was a very, very difficult few months. Neither knew about the other which was hard but I thought I had dealt with things ok. Why all of a sudden are they on my mind so much? I wasn't even particularly close to my mother.

OP’s posts: |
RoseRedder Thu 09-Jan-14 20:40:29

I think sometimes emotions and thoughts just pop up out of no-where and take us by surprise

\i lost my dad 27 years ago my mum 15 years ago (both died before I was 30) and a partner 8 years ago.

Most of the time I'm ok but every now and then I suddenly become overwhelmed with thoughts of them.

I have recognised this often happenings when things are maybe not going as smoothly in my life as I would want/hope for.

Is there something happening in your life just now that might be similar?

It's horrible isn't it. And although the saying 'it gets easier with time' is true every now and then a big unexpected wave of grief comes and smacks us in the face

Sorry you are feeling this way x

Frozenatchristmas Thu 09-Jan-14 20:54:38

Thanks Rose.

A rough couple of months marriage wise. May be that is it. Or christmas. I feel like I could have a right good cry.

OP’s posts: |
RoseRedder Thu 09-Jan-14 21:39:33

don't hold back on the tears

I often think if you feel like a right good cry, the best thing to do is have that cry

It is a strange time of year where we miss people and hitting a rocky patch in your marriage has possibly left you feeling more vulnerable to your emotions

It does not matter if it's been 10 days or 10 years since you lost someone, grief is grief and something we find coping mechanisms for so it seems to get easier with time, but the reality is , you lost two people who shared your life and they are no longer there.

It is perfectly ok to miss them, feel angry, lost, upset any day of any year

Thinking of you and wishing you strength and peace x

telsa Fri 10-Jan-14 08:41:21

I think that the start of New Years always makes things harder too. I feel really cruddy right now and weepy as well.

Pawprint Fri 10-Jan-14 17:12:24

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that. My little sister died in 2004 too - the thought of ten years since I last saw her is horrific sad

You have had two terrible bereavements - so sad sad

lookatmybutt Sat 11-Jan-14 23:49:42

Yar, things will just pop up sometimes. I lost my sister in 2007 to a motorbike crash and it's odd little things that hurt.

I'd want to call her and tell her something. I wanted to talk about The Hobbit films (I have seen none of them, because I'd only have my sister to talk to about them and now I can't). Same with Harry Potter (she never got to read the last book). Or makeup or Christmas, birthdays, it rained a lot the other day. About my cats farting. Just... anything.

It's not unusual.

I have Lord of The Rings Trivial Pursuit still sitting on my shelf and nobody to play it with. I should just get rid of it; it makes me sad if I look at it.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean Sun 12-Jan-14 18:11:57

I think it's because it's the ten year anniversary. It's inconceivable that it's been that long, yet a piece of the jigsaw had been missing forever.

Feelings like this can crop up at your own milestone events because it's not how things are supposed to work out.

Give yourself time to remember and think. My sad anniversary is 16 years. I'm overwhelmingly sad at points but I try to remember some good times to counter them. If I don't, I wallow and it doesn't make me feel better.

Feel betterthanks

Frozenatchristmas Sun 12-Jan-14 20:05:43

Thank you everyone for posting. I suppose I am just a bit lost as to why now and not when I got married or had DS but I suppose there is never a time really is there.

OP’s posts: |
ssd Sun 12-Jan-14 20:36:07

no I dont think there is a right time, or a right reason, its funny things that set you off, things that happen all the time but one day they happen in a certain way and you're right back at years ago, feeling something deep inside you hadn't felt for years and it floors you.

sorry op thanks

Superfudge Fri 17-Jan-14 23:23:32

I am sorry to hear it is more difficult right now. I can really relate to this, I find it really hard to understand why it suddenly feels like it did 11 years ago, sometimes even worse. I lost my dad as a young adult, still a kid really in many ways, and my best friend passed away three years later. Both deaths were a huge shock and I didn't process my grief at all, just pushed it away and did everything humanly possible to distract myself and pretend it wasn't happening. It wasn't the wisest of moves on reflection.
I think I am only just starting to process that the feelings of loss are always going to be there, that they'll never leave and things can't change. And it is just so shit that I can't see my dad, and he couldn't walk me down the aisle or write a father of the bride's speech. It breaks my heart that he can't come to the football with me, or go for a drink in the pub, or help me with DIY or tell me interesting things that happened in his life. That I can't ring him up and tell him I got a new job, or meet my dh and hear special news, be a Grandad. I'm sick of having to deal with this, I just want it not to be my reality, and that of my mum and my sister.
I hear people talk about their dads doing these things all the time, and it feels like someone is hacking at my stomach with a machete. But it has been long enough for people to forget that it might hurt to hear these things. And I don't begrudge other people's lovely times with their own dads. I just wish I could have those too with mine.

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