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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

I know it isn't my loss, but it has deeply touched me and broken my heart.

37 replies

GimmeDaBoobehz · 31/12/2013 16:24

I am sorry as this isn't my loss, it's not really my place to post but am not naming any names, so hope that is OK?

My friend and his partner have lost their baby. It stopped breathing at 36 weeks and she is having to have the baby naturally.

It's completely broken my heart for them. I can't even begin to think what they must be going through. I haven't got to speak to him yet and just don't know what to say (he has spoken to my partner, as we are all friends).

I sincerely hope that I can be of some help and they get some comfort from friends and family.

Is there anything I can do to help if anyone has had anything similar happen?

I could cry I feel so broken hearted for them. :(

OP posts:

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samsonite86 · 31/12/2013 17:09

That's great you want to be there for them.
All I can say, as someone who has lost, is make your.presence known. We had several close friends not say a word to us for weeks because they were too scared. Needless to say we're not so close anymore.

We were so lucky to have our family around us but also had some amazing friends who pestered us to stop us just hiding from the world.

They'd pop in for coffee, offer to go to the shops for us, or take us there. They'd invite us over for the evening even after the tenth refusal. We felt wanted, loved and not social outcasts by these friends. They weren't offended when we just had anger for everyone and everything, they were patient when we would just cry and they were also an amazing distraction.

We wouldn't have got through that dark time if it wasn't for them.

They said that they were worried they'd annoy us but wanted us to know they were constantly thinking of us. Bless them, they also said we'd been very similiar to them after they lost a baby at 6 months and it helped hugely. That was amazing to hear.

Never tell them you understand, that it was for the best, that at least they know they can have babies, or as one person said to me 'all that pain and worry for nothing' (um, I had the most beautiful baby ever, that's not nothing!! - sorry that one still grates), none of that attempt to look for the reason or the best or the future will ease a broken heart. Just be there for them in any way you can!

Thoughts with them and their friends and families. xx

sugarbunza · 31/12/2013 17:10

So terribly sad. I lost my son at 3 days old. Some of my closest friends stayed away which surprised me at the time. When all I wanted was a hug I didn't want advice or sympathy. I wanted to look to the future and concentrated on his funeral, my partner carried the coffin to Robbie Williams as bump used to kick at this song. My advice is don't leave it. Go round talk about anything ,let them bring up as little or as much as they want to. Don't go round And cry. Don't take flowers.
Invite them to your house for a meal maybe. :-) :-) I went on to have a daughter who is now 1. But my son remains with me I hope your friends go on to try again in time. Have a look into some web sites that offer support for them I'm sure there must be lots out there. I took a cast of my sons hands and feet too. This really helped me at the time. It wasn't as difficult as I thought it was going to be, I also cut his nails and cut a lock of hair. They are framed proffesionly on the landing by his now sisters room. I touch them everyday when I walk past as does my eldest son and my partner. Hope you can get a bit of advice from all this story to waffle on xxx

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 31/12/2013 17:13

Tell them you are sorry.

I have lost two babies and feel an atmosphere whenever I try to talk about them so I don't anymore. It is like they never existed.

I am sorry for your loss, I feel it is your loss too as this is a baby who would have been in your life.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 31/12/2013 17:23

Just managed to talk to him. He's very philosophical right now but I can see deep down he is distraught. I have offered to be there whenever he needs me and will be there for him even if I am not needed. I also will be there at the funeral they are going to hold.

I have a 9 month old little girl who I am still breastfeeding so my hormones have left me crying terribly. I imagine I would've done anyway. I have known him since 13 so 10 years. We have known eachother from bad relationships of mine and through him losing his father at 15.

So yes his daughter would've been a big part in our lives as she would've probably been a friend of my daughter. I can't even begin to think how they feel, only that I sincerely hope they can be a beacon of strength for eachother and know that people are here if they are needed.

OP posts:

sugarbunza · 31/12/2013 17:33

Some people eh!!!! You never get over the loss I still cry and I always will I'm sure. Birthdays are the hardest for me people forget and its not there fault my best friend always brings me flowers for the grave on his birthday. Its the only day we go as I find it so hard 3 years on. She goes and tidys the grave for me and tells me how its looking and takes pictures on her gone for me.... now that is a good friend. X

GimmeDaBoobehz · 31/12/2013 17:36

That's an amazing friend, sugar.

OP posts:

sugarbunza · 31/12/2013 17:36

I no of a really good stone mason he made a elephant shaped grave stone ( this was ds first toy.) Its a lovely idea x Give me a shout if you want the number x

sugarbunza · 31/12/2013 17:37

You can be that friend my love x

samsonite86 · 31/12/2013 17:38

So glad you got to speak to him :) That's a hard first step. They'll go through so many emotions and flit between them repeatedly. Patience, presence and understanding are key.

You've kindly said you'll be there for him, just make sure you remind him of this as he may not ask for help when needed. It's easier to take offered help than ask for it.

A good start hun :) x

samsonite86 · 31/12/2013 17:41

Sugarbunza!! We also got an elephant headstone. Is the same elephant we had for the wall stickers on her jungle nursery theme. Unique and perfect, just like her :) x

sugarbunza · 31/12/2013 17:50

Lovely! To hear somebody else out there with a elephant... no way thought it was just us!.. do you have elephant ornaments too? We do as its another reminder of him in the front room without making a shrine, everytme I see a elephant it reminds you doesn't it Sam xxx

sugarbunza · 31/12/2013 17:52

Every mothers day a elephant appears off my son with a card love from the boys x

samsonite86 · 31/12/2013 18:02

I've got a few elephants and giraffes at home yes. Our very best friends bought us the most gorgeous family of 3 elephants walking, holding tails at sunset on a canvas. It's so beautiful and such a thoughtful gift. Still makes me smile everytime I look at it.
Got a few frogs too as she used to bend her legs like a frog in her SCBU incubator. Means we have little reminders around the house. I like it and as you say, it's not a shrine then.
We've got a couple of photos of her up and a hand print plate out but everything else is in memory boxes. We were so lucky that East Anglia Children's Hospice came to the hospital when we found out she wasn't going to make it - they made it possible to get silver prints for necklaces, printed plates and frames, hair, her cord, all sorts. We didn't get the casts as they said to do those after she was gone but Amélie had so much prodding, we only wanted the memory making things from when she was alive. Little memories like her squirming from the prints - the brush clearly tickled - mean the world to me. But they are safe in their boxes for when I feel I need to visit her and not just her grave. I know how lucky we are but everything is still so painful even 2 years on.

We're now expecting her baby brother or sister and I'm mixed with every emotion but know I love Amélie more than words, no one can replace her and I still think about her constantly.

Truly is a hard one to live with eh? x

samsonite86 · 31/12/2013 18:13

I hope you don't mind me posting this. It's so gorgeous, I love showing it off. This is her headstone looking Christmassy (m.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151778078250793&id=516315792&st=14&__user=516315792) x

samsonite86 · 31/12/2013 18:14

What a beautiful mother's day idea Sugar :) x

sugarbunza · 31/12/2013 18:19

Our story's and coping mechanisms sound similar. I have boxes but I've not looked in them since I packed them 3 years ago. Still too fresh for me. I was so scared when I had my daughter in February. I didn't enjoy my pregnancy at all sudden infant death syndrome has torn my world apart for too long now I'm just about moving on and my daughter is nearly 1 so I am just starting to enjoy her now. I cryed buckets when I was in hospital after I had her. I also stayed in hospital 5 days they were excellent. I didn't want to go home until 3 days had gone. I hope your pregnancy is going well and you are enjoying it more than me xx

samsonite86 · 31/12/2013 18:19

Gimme, this is the present I mentioned from some amazing friends. If you know how they were going to dec the babe's room or something they associate with the baby, then keep your eyes peeled. It's the 'just because' memory gifts that mean the most x

m.facebook.com/sam.baxter.564/albums/10150333570175793/?__user=516315792#!/photo.php?fbid=10151061885055793&id=516315792&set=a.10150333570175793.339928.516315792&source=43&__user=516315792.

sugarbunza · 31/12/2013 18:26

Its so similar to eathans. Beautiful arnt they. You sound like you can deal with the grave thing well it looks beautiful. I struggle enormously with it tbh xxx I just want to leave as soon as I get there and that sounds alful. I truly wish I could feel different about it ... how do you do it Sam? Xxx

samsonite86 · 31/12/2013 18:30

Oh Sugar, I am sorry. I actually take a lot of comfort visiting Amélie (but knew me going daily for 4months wasn't healthy) and going through her things. Some days I know it's a bad idea when it all feels too much.

Amélie was 10weeks early because I had severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome. She then got a premature linked condition called N.E.C which took her at 9 days. The first 7 days I was in a lot of pain from the c-section but was so calm. I spent most of my days in SCBU, my doctors were annoyed as I was never on the ward come check up time - sorry, my baby is more important. I got discharged on day 6 and was distraught. On the Sunday (day 7) I knew something was wrong but they had answers for everything. early hours on mMonday we got a call saying to get to the hospital now. She was transferred to another hospital and had an op the next day but it was too late. I didn't leave her side after that call.

They made her comfortable and that's when we got to make her memory things before saying goodbye. We were even more lucky that the hospice have afterlife care and we lived at the hospice for a week with Amélie before the funeral directors took her away. Then had another week visiting her there before she was buried. Always wish we had more time but so thankful for the time we were able to have.

As for this pregnancy, I'm terrified and will be all the way through. I must remember that even if this one is early, it doesn't mean the sane outcome. I bet you've had to tell yourself that too.

Huge hugs!! So glad you're now able to enjoy your daughter with less fear.

Hate being part of this club, but I'll never stop talking about Amélie :) xx

sugarbunza · 31/12/2013 18:34

Yeh I agree Sam, gimmee definetly encourage them to associated something with the baby it really helps for some reason. I'm sure your friends will do anyway. And keep baby's memory alive simple chat like bringing his name into conversation 2,3,6 years on. X

samsonite86 · 31/12/2013 18:36

I had my counselor ask why I go to visit when we aren't religious. I said to her, if I was religious, I'd probably visit her less because I'd feel she was all around me. Obviously, she's forever in my thoughts and my heart, but up at the cemetery, that is her. That's her home.

I can't help but feel if I don't visit that I'm not being her mum. I visited her at the hospital, at the hospice and at the funeral directors, I guess for me, its just an extension of that.

I have visits where it's just too hard and I cry majorly, but they tend to be if I've not been for a while. I always feel great relief after those visits. I wonder if its more compulsion and habit and needing to go that I go rather than being ok with it.

Everyone is different though... you'll go if and when you're ready xx

sugarbunza · 31/12/2013 18:40

As you can read from Sam n my story's aftercare is there for a reason please look into what they offer before your friends due date. They are excellent. The Chaplin too was a god send no pun intended lol he was there everyday for us. When I took Ethan's casts of hands and feet the team were with me in the room they are vital. Yeh I really do no how you feel Sam. Just try and take each day as it comes. Anxious is not a strong enough word is it xxx

samsonite86 · 31/12/2013 18:41

xxx

sugarbunza · 31/12/2013 18:46

I hope you are right. Gimmee, whatever your friend does after the funeral will be up to them they may go everyday to visit there baby like Sam or they may be like me, and find it to difficult. But please offer to tag along or go and plant blue crocuses as my bf has, whatever you do will help massively honest x

sugarbunza · 31/12/2013 18:51

My friend also made a CD of cbeebes favorites for the church, it sounds strange but listening to firemansam theme tune kind of lightens a extremely difficult and alful day of you life. Its just what I did, I don't no your friends and it was a different thing to do ? X

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