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Losing a premie baby

(65 Posts)
Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 11:40:58

My beautiful daughter Ameera was born on 4 December 2013 at 25 weeks and died on 9 December 2013. The first week was difficult. I wouldn't leave my husband's side. everyone looked at me soo sadly but their lives went on and mine didn't. It hasn't. I miss my baby. I can't believe it's been less than a month since everything happened. it's sooo heartbreaking.

I needed to write and I thought this might help. Everyday is a struggle for me :-( some days are ok but most days I prefer to be in bed away from the world :-(

Oblique27 Fri 27-Dec-13 22:47:02

That is beautiful, Fp123.

TheNightIsDark Fri 27-Dec-13 22:52:56

That was beautiful. I'm sorry for your loss. What a beautiful name you gave your daughter xx

Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 23:27:32

Thank you Oblique27 and TheNightisDark. Ameera means princess and she is my little princess.

stickybean Fri 27-Dec-13 23:42:07

FP123 what a beautiful poem. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. Love and strength to you and your husband x

Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 23:47:30

Thank you stickybean. I'm keeping all of us in my prayers as I'm sure each one of us has in one way or another needed a helping hand to see the light in the midst of darkness xxx

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Fri 27-Dec-13 23:53:08

I am so so sorry for your loss, I lost my son shortly after he was born, the same day sad

This was almost two years ago now, and I know you probably won't believe this right now, but it does get less raw with time
It's still hurts as much but you will find a way to cope with it
But it has to take time and you have to grieve and let it all out

Your welcome to pm me if you ever want to

You will never forget your lovely dd.
Wishing you love and strength
And remember to just do own what you can manage and what suits you
You may well have people around you telling you what you should and shouldn't be doing
But only you know what's best for you xxxxx

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Fri 27-Dec-13 23:54:44

Oh and if the hospital haven't already put you in touch
Sands are really really helpful

Fp123 Fri 27-Dec-13 23:57:20

Thank you soo much Anyfuckerisnotguilty. I've come across wonderful people on here who have been through similar experiences and it's nice to see that each person has been able to live through the pain.
I've also met lovely people on here who remind me that there is more for me to keep living for.
I am grateful to everyone on here.

LeaveIt Sat 28-Dec-13 00:01:07

Full of tears at your amazing poem and the terrible loss of your baby girl. X

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 00:08:20

Today has been difficult for me. for the past few days I've been able to bottle things in and carry on as normal but something about writing has opened the floodgate and I feel all parts of me ripping apart. Now when I cry It's because I feel sad for myself. I want more but I know there's no pointing wanting what you can't have. I'm just grateful I got the chance to be a mother to my angel. I've never loved soo strongly or soo deeply.

LeaveIt ... Thank you for sharing my pain with me. I guess sometimes life forgets there's only soo much our heart can take.

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 00:09:47

I can completely empathise with everything you say
I think I certainly grieved for my old self as well as the lost of my ds1

I even had a v good friend of mine tell me I've lost my spark, in the very early days
She Ment well
But it hurt a lot

I do think it's true you have to find a new normal
You probably won't ever feel em the old you again
But in time the way you change isn't always.all bad

Sure I I miss the carefre person I used to be
But I'm also a lot stronger person now
I don't take no for an answer
I'm a lot bolder
And I'm more compassionate, not that I wasn't before, but now I have a deeper level of compassion

Sometimes it's the well meaning comments that got and still get to me the most

In haye early early days people would act so odd around me
You inow the head tilt and the sympathic face and the how are you

When I want to scream
No fucking better than yesterday

But in time people start treating you more normally and I found that helped

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 00:14:08

This is a poem I like, called ask my mum how she is
Reminded me of it by what you where saying about feeling like there the you for the outside world
And the real you at home

My mum, she tells a lot of lies
She never did before.
From now on ’til the day she dies
She’ll tell a whole lot more.

She used to tell the truth a lot
But now it doesn’t matter.
I died and went to Heaven
Her life is all a shatter.

Ask my mum how she is
She’ll say, “Yes I’m fine!”
It that’s the truth then tell me
Why does she cry each night?

Ask my mum how she is
She seems to cope so well
She didn’t have a choice you see
Nor the strength to yell.

You think you know the feeling
But this cannot be
For even though you love me
You don’t as much as she.

She will smile and say,
“It’s okay, God has a plan”
But she will turn away and cry
‘Cause she just can’t understand.

Tell a joke and she will laugh
But she is not okay
She wants to share a joke with me
But it will not be today.

I watch from here in Heaven
Her distress disturbs my peace
Will someone take care of her
Thus take care of me.

Someday she will feel better
“Yes I will” she lies
She knows this will not happen
Until the day she dies.

Ask my mum how she is
She’ll say “Thank you, good”,
She cannot tell how she is

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 00:14:10

When people ask me how are you I just say I'm okay because I don't know what they expect me to say. I'm not okay... I'm forever changed... I'm merely existing... I'm trying to find some peace in all this mess and most of all why me. But you can't say that to people because its not their fault

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 00:27:59

I really like the poem "ask my mum" .... :-) thank you for that ....

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 00:28:19

yes i understand what your saying

i found there was a fair feew fuckers that actually didnt really waqnt to know how i was doing, they just felt better for asking
but there was a good handful of people that i could talk to

there have been some people that i havent really talked to about my ds1
i think alot of people find theres people you can talk to and people you cant

what i hated, well still hate is people trying to tell me what i should or shouldnt be doing
likethe people telling you to go back to work.
i had comments like that two months after i lost my ds1 and felt like screaming are you crazy, i cant even get through aday with sobbing at some point
there was NO WAYi was ready to go back to work two months after losing my son
no way
and all those comments did was to make me feel even more shittier than i already did

so please keep in mind you know best whats best for you
and thats differnent for everyone
you really need to put your welbeing above all else at the moment

if you dont feel upto certain things liek family parties etc
dont go
until you do feel ready

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 00:35:23

My husband looks at me with such pain in his eyes because he can't help me. I feel soo bad for him. He wants us to try and move forward and I look at him wondering which forward he is referring to.
Work is something which is very low down my list and non existent at the moment. I try and step out of the house everyday.
I haven't allowed visitors since this happened except for visitors who came when I was at the inlaws.
I know one day I'll wake up and have more good days than bad. One day .... For now I'm taking one day at a time. thank you for being sooo kind

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 00:43:15

yes one day at a time is the best way

dont try to hard to supress your tears
i personally think you need to really grieve before you can begin to heal

men often grieve differently to women
they tend to want to protect us
but to us it seems as if they are not as upset as we are
its so tough around

i useed to read other people stories on sands etc
sitting there sobbing
and in the end dh would sayto me
i think you should stop reading that as its upsetting you
but it was exactly what i needed to do at the time
he foud it very difficult not really being able to console me
and in the early days it was in the night my grief used to hit me the hardest
i would often cry for hours at night
and i would have to say just leave me to cry
sometimes i would even say to him im going to have a cry now

the crying has become alot less now

i think about my ds everyday but my dh says he doesnt
i think its quiet different for him than it is for me

i was also hell bent on getting pregnant asap
which is v normal under the circumstances
but people would try and put me off

its good your getting out, even if its not seeing anyone but its a walk in the fresh air
phyical excersise does help and fresh air

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 00:46:01

anyonme that tries to tell me what i should or shouldnt do i dont talk to about deep stuff

i even had one friend that told me, that once the funeral is over i should take all the sympathy cards down
i mean people just try and tell you what to do
and i felt like screaming do you actually think thats going to make me feel even 0.1% better?
because it won't

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 01:17:52

I was the same way... Wanting to get pregnant straight away but my husband wants us to wait until I am ready mentally.
A friend once told me "I have lost nothing as Ameera belongs to God and God has taken her back". You can probably imagine how that conversation ended... I just told her I pray she doesn't go through what I'm going through then she can tell me I've lost nothing.
People have been trying to tell me what to so but I just leave them to talk and I do what feels right for me.
Bless... My brother in law asked why I am taking maternity leave when there's no baby to look after and my aunt said I should start losing weight .... That made me realise how differently our worlds are.
If Ameera was alive I won't be asked why I'm taking maternity leave or be told to lose weight soo soon after having a baby.
fortunately for them they haven't gone through this so I understand their ignorance and pray they never have to go through this because the pain is something no one should ever have to go through

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 01:29:50

If you see me smiling sometimes just let me be
There are few occasions these days that bring smiles to me
Please don't ask me how I'm feeling
Or assume I've forgotten
Because behind those smiles lie heartbreak

I've hit rock bottom with no way up
But there are still small mercies I'm grateful for
I can't allow my pain to consume me
I must find some hope everyday to keep living

If I give up who will remember my Angel
Who will recount those wonderful months of pregnancy
Or days when she lived?
Who will remember her as the blessing she is
For others have moved on with their lives
As it should be
But we are stuck in this misery

So when you see me smile
Please understand this
I smile for the first time I saw the positive pregnancy stick
For the first pregnancy symptom I felt
I smile for the 12 week scan and seeing your heartbeat
For your kicks and movements reminding me you exist

I smile for experiencing labour
Even through the pain and gas and air
I smile for your life though short and sweet
I smile for changing me from woman to mother
I smile for the gift you've given me

Though my sadness will live with me for a lifetime
I smile for the siblings that I'll be blessed with
With each year I'll celebrate your birth with a smile
And celebrate your passing with a silent tear

Through my grieve I'll remember to smile
Atleast a little a day
Because it's my way of honouring your memory
For those months you stayed with me
For the days I shared the world with you
For bringing unconditional love to me
For reminding me that there's always hope
And I need to live to win

Lottystar Sat 28-Dec-13 02:15:48

Fp123, I stumbled across your thread and wanted to say I am so very sorry for the loss of your lovely daughter Ameera. Your words are so full of pain and I hope you don't mind me saying this but I wish I could give you a really big hug. I recently had a miscarriage and that was awful enough - a silent pain, which you feel is not really allowed as there was no visual baby for people to see, but I simply can't fathom how you're currently feeling. My mother lost two very premature babies and I was also a premmie myself, born 10 weeks early in 1979. I still see the hurt in her eyes today, she says she lost a little piece of herself with each child but then she has become stronger and more resilient as the years have passed. She still talks about my brothers with loving memories and cherishes the time she had with them. It's such a cruel experience, pls look after yourself and stay close to your husband, you can get through this together xx

Fp123 Sat 28-Dec-13 02:32:58

Thank you soo much Lottystar and I'm soo sorry about your miscarriage. It's such a cruel thing to happen when a child is lost be it when the child is born or via a miscarriage. Pregnancy and childbirth are funny processes. Not as straightforward as we are led to believe when we were little girls. I feel like I have aged 10 years in this month alone.

I understand the pain in your mother's eyes because even I feel I've lost a piece of myself.

I'll keep both Ameera and your miscarried child in my prayers. They are both Angels :-)

I am trying to stay close to my husband and I'm grateful for him.

I'm waiting for the day when things will get easier.

whodunnit Sat 28-Dec-13 02:39:08

Aw, FP, I did not want to read & run. You are going through living hell. Your poems are so touching. You feel so strongly for your lovely daughter and the love shines through in what you write. It can never be the same for a husband, as he has not had this baby inside him as a living active person and cannot know how amazing that feels.

Sleep if you can, cry if you can. God bless.

Rosieliveson Sat 28-Dec-13 07:55:36

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and pain. You have my heartfelt condolences thanks

Anyfuckerisnotguilty Sat 28-Dec-13 08:57:18

yes the way some people try to advise when they have no idea
do you have nyone in rl you can rea;;y talk to?
who is a good listener

mist of thhe other mums ive met along the way are keen tp get pregnant again asap
so if you feel that urge dont worry or feel guilty or try not to
but others o know have wanted to wait a while
whatever you feel, is right for you

its great you have those special memories
you will always have them to treasure

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