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My friend's son has killed himself.

(36 Posts)
SadBadDays Sat 21-Dec-13 11:29:28

It is desperate. There was no letter, no clue, no nothing. He hanged himself while they were out. He was 15 and such a lovely boy. Very quiet but great sense of humour. I am so, so sad and exhausted trying to help them all. We aren't in the Uk and have a bureaucratic nightmare and I'm getting really anxious that there is a fuck up and he won't have his funeral before christmas. There is so much to organise and I'm worried I've missed something. To begin with it was just a struggle to keep his mother with us but now it's practical stuff that is beginning to overwhelm me.

Also, does anyone know of a nice poem suitable for a 15 year old suicide?

I'm sure I'm forgetting to do something. I am tired and feel more weepy a week in. Nothing as bad as they are feeling, that is obvious.

I am so sorry for you. Your friend must be utterly distraught.
They are fortunate to have your support.
I cannot offer much help, as I was too out of things to care what was happening when my DS died, but did read your request for a poem and wondered if the following might be acceptable.
I believe it is quite widely used.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not here; I did not die

goinggreyagain Sat 21-Dec-13 12:02:39

I am so sorry.
I found the poem The room next door to be very helpful. If you are in the US the group Compassionate Friends are a good source of help and support.

SadBadDays Sat 21-Dec-13 14:25:52

Thank you both. The room next door particularly struck a cord with his parents.

ButThereAgain Sat 21-Dec-13 14:31:12

I'm terribly sorry about this devastating death. I have a nearly-15yo son and a rather depressive 18yo son and I can just begin to glimpse how completely overwhelmingly awful this is for all of you. I'm so glad your friend has you helping her at this dreadful time.

They are also in the UK.
Just people who have lost children being there for people who lose children.

Glad they have found something they are OK with, OP.

SadBadDays Sun 22-Dec-13 03:37:05

HaveaFestivr, is there a part of your post missing?

Cross fingers that we get the paperwork this morning..

So sorry. My post was a direct follow on from gooinggreys last sentence If you are in the US the group Compassionate Friends are a good source of help and support. hence ..... they are also in the UK

I forgot this is MN and two other posts arrived in the interim!

I wish you strength in the days ahead. Your friend is so lucky to have you with her.

GoodnessKnows Sun 22-Dec-13 06:17:22

I'm so sorry to gear of such a loss and awful shock. It's terribly sad. There are no words. Perhaps you're crying more a week in because the reality is sinking in further. Sending virtually hugs. I hope that you manage the practicalities and are bring supported, too

SadBadDays Sun 22-Dec-13 10:05:24

The funeral is tomorrow. The problems with the bureaucracy were overcome and we can have it before christmas. Such a relief when considering future anniversaries.

Thank you for you lovely replies. I am now about to go on a bar stocking shop. I think there will be over 120, many of them kids.

I am strong again today but tomorrow is looming very heavily indeed.

GoodnessKnows Sun 22-Dec-13 10:54:19

I'm sure. Enjoy the escapism while it lasts. Sending you virtual hugs and hand holding fir when the reality of this terribly sad situation hits again. Bit

GoodnessKnows Mon 23-Dec-13 09:01:23

I am sending you strength and a virtual tissue to get you through today. It is sad, I hope you have a chance to cry and feel comfortable, be strong and be there for your friend and do whatever mixture of things is best and right for you today. Xxx

SadBadDays Thu 26-Dec-13 07:07:23

I need some practical advice. The funeral was OK and the wake was really quite fun i may have got smashed. Since the morning of the funeral i've been dry eyed mostly and was really relatively OK until last night. My friend and her family came here to just get out of the house, on Christmas evening and we had a nice evening until the end when i just became so worried about my friend. She is still shell shocked but joins in with conversations but then sits quietly frantically playing with some rose quartz, that someone kind gave her.

I am just so worried that she is considering killing herself. I held her for an hour but she just cries and doesn't say anything. I'm frightened and just beg her to hang on in there, that we don't expect anything of her but to stay with us and to keep going a minute at a time. Does the fog lift and the love of children take over? The grief is so overwhelming and we all feel so helpless.

GoodnessKnows Thu 26-Dec-13 21:55:44

Perhaps repost this bit on the mental health section? I can't say as I just don't know. I'm sorry. But it's normal and healthy, I'd think, to be all consumed and shocked by the whole thing. I'm going through my own worries at the moment and I too join in with conversation but then 'disappear' into my own world of anxiety, upset and worry. It passes and sometimes in cry.
Can your friend stay with you?

PacificDingbat Thu 26-Dec-13 22:02:50

I don't think that there is any pain comparable to losing a child and losing it to suicide sad - I am very sorry your friend has to deal with this and she is lucky to have a supportive friend in you.

This has only just happened; she will be shell-shocked and in pain.
Hold her.
Listen to her - does she talk about her DS?
Talk to her - don't be frightened to talk about her DS. Do ask her is she is thinking about harming herself - it's a hard question to ask, but it can be life saving. Say something like "Are you thinking about hurting yourself/following him?" or whatever you think is appropriate.
What other family does she have? Other children? Having other children is often a protective factor against parents taking their own lives.
Wherever you are, are there organisations like the Samaritans or Breathing Space or CRUSE Bereavement Care?

It is so, so hard for all concerned and there is no way of making it 'better', but with time the horrible wound will scar and be less raw.

Be very kind to yourself too.

BigArea Thu 26-Dec-13 22:15:52

I am so sorry to hear about this sad how awful. You sound like a really lovely friend

alemci Thu 26-Dec-13 22:18:10

that is so awful about your df lovely son. my heart goes out to hersad

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Thu 26-Dec-13 22:28:26

Your friend is lucky to have you, you will be a great comfort to her at this awful bleak time sad I don't know where you are in the world but it may be possible to get her some short term anti-depressants just to get her over the raw time. Poor poor woman, i can only begin to imagine her pain. How is her DH coping?

Do look after yourself too OP, you will be no help to your friend if you break. Do whatever it is that helps you relax, a walk, a bath, unload on here.

RhondaJean Thu 26-Dec-13 22:32:18

I am so so sorry about this.

My family has been heavily touched by suicide for generations and the latest was my cousins 17 year old daughter. My cousin was out of it for a long long time. Her other two children and little grandson kept her going but she was exactly as you describe your friend for a long long time.

You are doing the best thing you can by being there for her.

SadBadDays Fri 27-Dec-13 05:50:14

Thank you for all your replies. especially Dingbat and goodnesknows for staying with me.

LEM, I may suggest that to her. ADs may help in the interim. Or are we being selfish wanting to keep her with us when she is in such pain? I don't know. Why did he do this? I know he wouldn't have done if he could see everyone now, it is such a cruel death but then is there a non cruel way to lose your baby?

RhondaJean, that is so awful. I can't imagine the pain in writing a sentence like ;heavily touched by suicide for generations'. Are you all very heightened to signs of depression now?

There is a bereavement counsellor but she's away on christmas holidays and back next week. I need to ask her if she needs help. Her family left today but I've got something on from lunchtime onwards. I'll pop around for a tea in the morning and try and do some gentle probing questions.

PacificDingbat Fri 27-Dec-13 11:10:32

You are such a good friend to just be there for her. A lot of people, nice and well-meaning people, might be tempted to run from such pain because they cannot bear it. You are strong to be there for her.

Re ADs: it's worth a discussion with her dr. Bear in mind though, they treat depression, not unbearable sadness and grief. They also take a few weeks to work, so don't give any kind of 'instant' lift. It is a judgement call and they can be the crutch that allows people to keep going in the face of horrible events; equally sometimes it is actually better to allow grief. It's not for me to say, but it's worthwhile seeing an experienced RL dr if she would like to discuss medication.
The other option is to look at shortterm use of a sleeping tablet to allow her some respite.

LousterTheRooster Tue 31-Dec-13 07:26:43

Dear all, especially SadBadDays. I am the friend, it was my son that took his own life just 17 days ago. Sad has been an amazing friend to me and my family, I can't thank her enough for everything she has done for us. Without her help we would never have arranged the funeral in time, got my family here from the UK, had food etc. Not only did she manage all the practicalities but she arranged simple things that we didn't think about like making sure all our children's christmas stockings were filled, including one for my beautiful son, ordering our christmas dinner and making sure we were never alone. I owe her a lifetime of thank you's, we would never have got this far without her and all of our other wonderful friends.

SBD, I know you think I might try to take my own life. I won't, don't worry. I can't deny that I've thought about it but I promise you I'm not going to. At the moment I feel that I am living to die, that's the only way I can describe it but that's because I just want to see him again. I have 3 other children that need me and I am trying to be there for them as much as I can. I will not put them through this pain again. It's early days and I know that somewhere down the line I will learn to live to live. I'm not depressed, I don't need medication, there's nothing that can take away this crushing pain, the all consuming feeling of loss and the fact that our lives will never be normal again. All I want to do is see him and hold him and kiss him but I know I'll never be able to do that again and that's the hardest part.

Please don't worry about me. Crying, thinking about him and talking about him are getting me through the dark moments. I love you my amazing friend and thank you xxxxxx

ShirtySocks Tue 31-Dec-13 07:36:49

Louster - my heart goes out to you, I can't imagine the pain you are dealing with. I am very, very sorry to hear about the loss of your son.
I am glad you have such an amazing friend in sadbaddays.

Take care of yourselves, both of you.

PacificDingbat Tue 31-Dec-13 07:44:18

Louster, I woke up to your post which touched me deeply.

Like Shirty, I cannot begin to imagine what you and your family are going through and am glad that Sad has been able to be such a good friend to you.

Your sense of loss must be immense and the questions 'why?' that are unanswerable sad. I am wishing you and your family love and light, strength and courage to carry on.

SadBadDays Tue 31-Dec-13 09:38:10

Ah. <waves at Louster>. Well since we met on t'internet, my darling, I guess it makes sense you would find me over here. I love you and will be over for a cup of tea in a bit.

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