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Ds (4 months) and funeral

(27 Posts)
cogitosum Fri 29-Nov-13 13:51:39

My best friend called this morning. Her dm died this morning unexpectedly. She was only in hee early 50s. She is understandably shocked and distraught. I'm very upset as I adored her. I've stayed at their house without df there and often spoke to her on the phone. I feel horrifically guilty as had promised to take ds (4 months) to see her but hadn't got round to it (they live a 4 hr drive or 3 hr train journey away) We were planning to in the new year.

Of course I've said I will go up to give support to my friend whenever she needs it. I offered to come up today but everything is up in the air. She's asked me to come for the funeral.

I'm not sure what to do with ds. He's exclusively Breastfed. I could try to express and leave some of those cartons of formula and leave him with my parents but I don't think I could manage overnight. The ideal solutijon would be to go up with someone so they can take ds during fuberal and my friend can see him if it helps her but ny parents are disabled and cant come and dh wont be able to get time off work for a non family funeral (no holiday left)

Df has said its fine to bring him but I don't want to take attention away. I just feel so selfish and perhaps should just man up and leave him overnight. I could leave him for the day and come home at night but would like to stay for a couple of days for my friend (she's asked me to).

I am happy to book hotel just don't know what to do with ds.

ghostonthecanvas Fri 29-Nov-13 14:19:34

I am sorry to read about your DFs mother. I would think that your baby would be a very welcome distraction. Your friend has said it is fine, TBH staying with your friend for a couple of days would mean more to her than you popping up for a day. I know traditionally children are not at funerals but I think babies are different. They bring joy to a very sad occasion. You should go for a few days, just double check with your friend once she has been able to draw breath.

MrsOakenshield Fri 29-Nov-13 14:26:41

I took DD to a funeral at a similar age. She did start to wail quite early on so I took her out and wheeled her round the (fortunately) large cemetery (the funeral was of the father of DH's oldest friend, who DH had known for ever). At the 'reception' bit afterwards she was much admired and I think, as ghost says, a welcome distraction.

The vicar/NNN's new baby grandchild was at my dad's funeral, it was lovely to have her there.

In the midst of death there is life - trite, but true.

MrsOakenshield Fri 29-Nov-13 14:27:13

NDN, that should say.

AHardDaysWrite Fri 29-Nov-13 14:29:12

I'm sorry to hear about your friend's mum.

My fil died when DS was 3 months old, and my gran when dd was also 3 months. I took both to the funerals - I sat on the aisle so that if necessary I could quickly go outside, fed them discreetly under a scarf and they slept mostly. It was fine, and they were a welcome focus for people at the wakes.

Aquariusgirl86 Fri 29-Nov-13 14:29:19

Or ask if she knows of someone who could be responsible for your baby during the actual funeral ceremony? (Someone who wouldn't be going to the ceremony anyway) I know this is different but we paid a carer (someone who my mum trusted) to look after my baby girl (4.5 months at the time) during my wedding. I wanted dd there but didn't want to risk screaming during the ceremony or a family member getting caught up with baby duties at the reception. Worked well as she did all the changes and feeds (with expressed milk) and dd was able to be a delight and when she fussed ( once) got taken for a walk to help her fall asleep. Any chance you could have someone who lives locally to her help you out like this so you don't risk ceremony screaming and so you can support your friend?

LunaticFringe Fri 29-Nov-13 14:31:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EasterHoliday Fri 29-Nov-13 14:36:00

I took mine to a funeral at about 2 mths. Stood at the back (it was a full house) and fed when required. The deceased would frankly have really liked the idea of someone getting their tits out at his funeral (which admittedly may not be the case for your friend's mum).

cogitosum Fri 29-Nov-13 14:41:38

Actually I think that would be the case! She had a wonderful sense of humor and also was so interested in ds.

I think I will take him and stay for a few days. I was just worried about it looking like i'm trying to make it about him. I already feel awful as I was in tears on the phone this morning. She's lost her mum and I'm crying.

I just wish there was something I could do to help her but I can't do or say anything. I've text her again to say I'm thinking of them and to call anytime say or night.

cathpip Fri 29-Nov-13 14:43:12

When my mum died last year a very good friend came to the funeral with her 2 week old, it was a most welcome distraction and as she said to my dad just before the funeral "I have fed him, and I will try my best not to have to get the boobs out in the service" dad just giggled and said well if he's hungry I'm sure my wife won't mind!

fruitloop84 Fri 29-Nov-13 14:44:20

sorry to hear about your friends mum. I think as others do it would be fine to take your baby and then you can really be there for your friend rather than worrying about baby and rushing off.

Easter holiday that really made me laugh!

Mattissy Fri 29-Nov-13 14:50:45

I had no choice but to take my dd to dh's grandma's funeral (ds had just started school), she was about 1 by then and walking so not even a baby in arms. People were pleased to see her. During the funeral itself she was nice and quiet, luckily, but at the wake she was a hit and a welcome distraction.

cornflakegirl Fri 29-Nov-13 15:04:35

That sounds like a sensible decision. I agree with what everyone has said on the life in the midst of death thing, and if it frees you up to stay a bit longer, I'm sure your friend will appreciate the support.

LilyTheSavage Fri 29-Nov-13 15:52:49

Hi. I'm sorry for your sad loss.

My cousin's two year old came to my DS's funeral three months ago and it was lovely to hear his little squeaking happy noises during the funeral. It was heartening and life affirming and somehow very reassuring. It didn't detract from the funeral in the slightest and as my DS loved his little cousin it was totally appropriate.
I hope you will make a choice that you're happy with and that all goes well.

magimedi Fri 29-Nov-13 15:54:10

I already feel awful as I was in tears on the phone this morning. She's lost her mum and I'm crying.

When my mother died I told a close friend, who had known my mother nearly all her life, my friend burst into tears. Honestly I didn't mind at all - I was actually so pleased to think that other people loved mum too.

AHardDaysWrite Fri 29-Nov-13 15:59:49

Lily, I'm very sorry to hear about your DS.

cogitosum Fri 29-Nov-13 16:10:31

Thank you all.

Lily I am so sorry about your ds.

Thank you to everyone who has lost someone sharing your experience. I think I'll double check with my friend once funeral has been confirmed and will most probably take him

Blatherskite Fri 29-Nov-13 16:22:38

My DSis had to bring her tiny DD to my adored Grandfather's funeral as she was too teeny to leave and EBF too.

As others have said, it was a welcome distraction. Cuddling a little baby was a very comforting thing and didn't detract from the ceremony at all.

I totally agree with others. Take him and stay with your friend for a little while. I'm sure she will appreciate it

crazykat Fri 29-Nov-13 16:23:14

If your friend has said to bring your DS then bring him. Just sit on the end of the row so you can take him out if he starts fussing.

My nan and mum always said babies and children at a funeral help prevent everyone being too maudlin. My ds2 who's 1 yo raised a few smiles at my mums funeral last week, he even got a smile out of me.

DoesZingBumpLookBigInThis Fri 29-Nov-13 16:37:48

I'd take baby.
df said it's ok and people love the distraction of a baby afterwards.

take a bottle with you as it will be easier to feed him from it during the funeral and choose to sit where it's easy for you or DH to slip out if necessary.
your friend needs you, baby will be the least of her worries.

so sorry to hear sad thanks

DoesZingBumpLookBigInThis Fri 29-Nov-13 16:40:08

and btw noone will think you try to make it about your baby -

cogitosum Fri 29-Nov-13 17:15:31

On another note should I send flowers or anything? Just want to let them know I'm thinking of them all. I think I'll write cards to her and her dad. Should I send them or bring them?

magimedi Fri 29-Nov-13 18:04:10

I would find out if it is 'family flowers only' at the funeral. That is quite common nowadays & others are often asked to make a donation to charity instead.

If your friend has a garden a nice idea might be a plant to plant in memory of her Mum?

Right now I think a card would be lovely & maybe leave the flowers question until funeral details have been sorted.

You do sound like a lovely friend.

DoesZingBumpLookBigInThis Fri 29-Nov-13 18:18:20

flowers - whatever feels best.

I think if you see your friend before the funeral maybe take some flowers and chocolate - she'll appreciate it.

<waves to magi>

WowserBowser Fri 29-Nov-13 18:31:24

Like everyone else has said you'll be fine taking your baby.

My DM died last year when my ebf neice was 5 days old. She was good as gold and afterwards it was a nice distraction to have her there. My DSIL was very upset and also felt guilty for being upset when we were her children. I thought it was lovely she cared so much.

As for the flowers, we didn't want any as my df didn't know what to do with them! People asked and we said to make a donation instead although i received some flowers through the post.

You sound lovely and whatever you decide on it all
will be the right thing.

thanks for you.

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