My mum has gone.(136 Posts)
I'm so sorry but this is going to be very long.
My wonderful mum passed away, aged just 59, in my arms, on Saturday morning at 3.20am, with her children, husband and her closest sister all holding a part of her fragile frame.
She told me she would never forgive me for moving away from my home town, ever. I can't get that out of my head but I hope that now, maybe she will, and in time those words will fail but it was the last thing of any clarity that she said to me.
My parents found out on Wednesday that she had very aggressive lung cancer (Adenocarcinoma) and Lymphangitis which meant it had spread to her lymph nodes, it had taken hold so terribly quickly, (I knew when I saw her a few weeks ago that she had cancer, she had that 'look' and I told my dad that, I knew, I just knew, when he emailed me saying it was a just chest infection and that her MS was causing complications), that she wouldn't have coped with chemo or any kind of treatment come to think of it.
I think that she was fully aware of the fact that she had mere hours and not days, but she sat there telling us all that she was going shopping to get new PJs etc on Monday (today) when we all knew that she'd never see the sun rise on that Saturday morning.
They'd already drained 3 litres of blood from her left lung on Wednesday and said that they'd try to drain more blood from her lungs if she wanted but they said it would reabsorb.....
In other words, they were telling her there was no point putting her through such an uncomfortable procedure, when she only had hours to live.
She was very lucid and alert at times, talking as best she could to us about things that she'd done in her past, the things that we, her children, had gotten up to, and at others she was very distressed as she couldn't breathe.
I sort of pulled rank as my dad had gone for a much needed rest and asked for some metazalan, just to take the edge off her anxiety, she was already on morphine but I knew that we were all just doing palliative care when I walked into her room to find no monitors,, no drips, nothing - 'no alarms and no surprises'.
My aunt and I washed her, massaged her hands and feet as they'd swollen, she'd started to get sores and I asked for her to be catheterised, because she couldn't feel when she was weeing so they'd put pads in her underwear.
She was able to sip water but nothing else. They removed her NG when I got there and it was covered in blood, I was the only one with them in the room.
We took breaks and tried to have some food, always leaving two people with her to help her sit forward when she needed it but as the night drew in, we all knew that it was coming, death, it was so cold in that room and yet so very hot in the rest of the ward.
She grew more pale and but became increasingly restless so again, I asked them for some sedation, they gave her some more morphine, sedation and finally, finally, she stopped fighting and went to sleep. Peace filled the room, the silence was suddenly so loud, we could all hear the 'rattle' and that it wouldn't belong and to be very honest, I was wishing the time away as I watched her change before my eyes.
We all stood, all at once, just before she left us, as if we knew, not saying a word to one another. I was the second to hold her, to save goodbye, my younger sister first, she stopped breathing in my arms and I checked her pulse, told my dad she'd gone, made my brother say goodbye and then dad held her.
He broke down, begging, screaming and pleading with her to come back, asking her what he'd do now? What would her do without her to look after, he needed her, time and again asking her to come back, change her mind.
That was crippling to see. She was only 59. We managed to get him to sit once he'd let that out but I will never, ever forget that or the way she looked when she left her body.
I managed to get some time alone with her once she'd gone, as we waited for the nursing staff to come and arrange her, so I held her close and told her that there would be no more pain, no more medication, or tests, or fear, or worry, no more waking wondering how much her body would ache that day, or go to bed wondering if she's wake and be able to move because of her MS.
I told her that we'd moved to give DD and DS (Nemo, she loved calling him Nemo - our little survivor) a better quality of life and that if we hadn't, Nemo might not have made it because we'd have been assigned to a different hospital and everything happens for a reason.
DD has a boyfriend and is so happy at school, has wonderful friends, and is at last settled here, as are we. I told her to go and find the friends that she'd lost, our family who had gone before her, that they'd be waiting for her and just how much I loved her and always would. The nurses came in and I let them do what they needed.
I told her I'd look after dad and I stayed with him until DH came on Sunday for me at 3.30pm, then we left Dad to grieve, be with her, walk around the house, doing what he had to.
I slept in her sewing room, with her things around me for a few hours and let him sleep until he woke around 1pm, and then people came to see him, quick drink and left, knowing he needed to be left.
Everyone who needed to know, knows, and he has lots of support where he lives, and around but I'm so scared that he may give up, he might just stop. He is so fragile, and so lost without her, his best friend and the love of his life.
I could sense her here on Saturday night, I could smell her hair as they'd showered her and blow dried her hair that morning, before I got there... she wanted to 'look nice for me'
I'm not sure what I'm going to do without my mum, DD (almost 15) knows and dreadfully upset, she was so very close to her, even though we live away from there now. Nemo wouldn't understand. He didn't even ask where she was.... he has a mental age of 2.5/3 even though he's 5 in May so why would he? We'll tell him when he asks and if the time feels right before then.
Sorry for any typos and for such a long sad post but I wanted to let this out, and here was the only place to do that without being scared to say the words I needed to.
I've arranged the flowers and the announcement for the newspaper as my father had asked me to today.... now we just have to wait until next Wednesday when we get to say goodbye one last time.
I know that it won't be my mum in the coffin, it's just the body she was given... I know that she will remain close to us all, even though we live somewhere else now and the fact that she is no longer be in pain, suffering, day in, day out is such a comfort but I know that her leaving hasn't really sunk in yet.
Maybe it will next week......
Thank you for reading this. xx
Thinking about you on this most difficult of all days - bloody New Years Eve!!!!
Nothing else to say that doesn't sound 'stupid and wrong' just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts
Thinking about you, especially at this
bloody difficult time of the year. Sending my love and thoughts to you xxxx
Oh Shabba - we are so alike! So much pain...
We lost triplets at 16wks gestation. I know that we didn't get to 'meet' them as such but DH is putting the Christmas lights on their little tree tomorrow
I've been in bed ALL DAY. With and without Nemo at times, it was lovely, I was up with him last night, he was sick and very distressed.
We'd had little sleep, so had a 'bed' day whilst DH did the housework, God love him, and walked the dog, cooked his dinner and made sure DD was ok, fed, watered etc, plus he took Nemo to the park and to feed the ducks so that I could rest.
I spoke to my Dad tonight... he wants me to help write the words that are going on the plaque that will go where Mum's going to finally rest, in a lovely Garden Of Remembrance at the Crematorium.
He told me I'm very good with words, so I'm honoured.
I told him that I had bought my Christmas cards.... he said that he found the card that my Mum had bought for him. She'd not written it yet, but the words inside were always ever so carefully chosen, to reflect how she felt/feels? about him..... loved.
I broke down at that point. I want to see her. I want my Dad to see her, one last time, to say what was unsaid all of those times...
Except for the fact that if we got that 'one last time' we'd want another, and another, and some more............
So, when Dad gets here next Sunday, we'll hug and cry, love and laugh... my sister and her four children, brother and his partner, and my Dad's Mother are going to be at Mum & Dad's for Christmas dinner at the house, the home that I grew up in, where I was loved unconditionally, for years and years... Just as it should be.
At first he (Dad) wanted to be alone, or just go see his own Mum, now he'll have a houseful, which is what Mum always loved.... Busy, noisy, family! I just hope he can cope.
Living an hour and 20 away, I'll only get to hear about it, which does hurt a little but then again, I doubt I'd cope being around the table without my Mum, she was the heart of the family, the pulse, the rhythm and the flow....
Anyway, I need to go to bed. I need to ask for sleep to come and envelop me....
I'm going to speak to the Doc tomorrow. My Dad's been given sleepers and signed off until January 6th.... which is great news to me.
He has to rest and grieve and then he has to start to move. In which direction is up to him, but he has to move. I miss him too.
Goodnight kind friends, for posting and supporting me.
Your words help more than you know.
I'll update you tomorrow. I doubt that the Doc will prescribe anything given the about of medication that I already take for my pain and disability. We'll see.
Thank you again for responding and caring. xxx
Good idea about seeing the GP. I turned down help that was offered after my sons died......put on the pin on smile and pretended that I was 'fine thanks!!' Quite possibly one of the most ridiculous things I have ever done.
Im off to my parents house......Mum says the whole house needs 'bottoming' for Xmas!!! Dad slipped down his drive last night....their house is raised up off the main road and they have steps (with a hand rail fitted especially for them) or the drive.....his little great grand-daughter was visiting with her Daddy and he insisted on holding her hand and going down the drive. He says he is OK!! Also two of his teeth have fallen out this week....so very sad.....he has oral cancer so I suppose this has to be expected. My hero....my first love
Hope you get some help fom the GP - take anything he offers xxxxx
I'm very glad to hear that the children are feeling better - at least with them less poorly its not quite so difficult to look after them - which hopefully will mean that your DH will get a bit more rest.
Its not surprising that you're snappy with all that you've got on and had on your plate recently. I think talking it through with the Dr is a very good idea and its certainly better for your DH to go if he's got a lump that's worrying. I hope all goes well on Monday and will be thinking of you then.
Hello lovely Mistle
I'm going to the docs on Monday and I'm going to tell him about my mum dying, he's been my GP for 8 years so he knows me very well, he's my 'unofficial' rock on the medical side of my life. He's helped me lots with pain management etc over the years.
DH is going too as he has a lump <wibble> that moves when he coughs, so it could be a hernia. He always has a horrid cough, I mean really horrid. Deep and so loud.
DD is run down and much brighter today and Nemo seems to be on the right side of his cough now. He's got reflux and hasn't a one single reflux free month/week/day this year, he has really suffered with his secretions!
His feeding tube doesn't help him. I think that gets covered in thick mucus and blocks his nose more. Roll on the summer! Even though summer this year he was as bad. Winter is worse. He has a nurse who sees him every couple of weeks so we're good on that front.
Thank you for asking. That is lovely of you xxx
I am making DH's life hard I know, he's not sure what to do for the best..... or what he's going to be met with each time he speaks to me. We're snappy. I'm snappy.
Nasty or nice or meh....
Things are so fraught at times. I want to close my eyes and it all to go away.
mouse - I hope that you all feel better soon - do any of you need to get something to help from the Drs?
Thank you Faire and Shabba
My DH, DD and Nemo are all ill and I'm exhausted! Coughs are horrific for trying to sleep.
I bought a 'For Grandad at Christmas' card this week, not to Grandma and Grandad card, and a Dad card, not Mum and Dad.............. so shit.
Night all I'm, going to try and post on the parent thread soon, I've lurked and seen how lovely they all are, I just have to be brave xxx
Night all. Special hugs Shabba - update me if you get chance sweetheart xxx
Mouse just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts every day.
There are quite a few books for young children which aim to help them understand grief, their own and others. Some of them are 'workbooks' which can be done together with a supportive adult. I thought of these when you mentioned about Nemo worrying for his dad.
This one, When Someone Very Special Dies might be good for him, or there are others that you can look at.
Oh love - you are 'swimming in the thick treacle' of the newly bereaved. Its so hard. When you wake up and for a few seconds you forget and then it piles into your mind and its back to square one.
Oh Gimme - such a wonderful thing that your Grandfather said and wanted for you...... how sad too. What a lovely man. That has warmed my heart xxx
I still don't think losing my mum has really sunk in yet, it's only been a few weeks.... I don't want Christmas to come, I don't to see my Dad upset, lost and alone. I spoke to him (Dad) on the phone last night, I hadn't spoken with him since the funeral on Wednesday, where does the time go? It all blurs into one..... time becomes nothing but light and dark in my day......
It's like being in a fog or a void.... some sort of limbo and middle world that exists between life and death, it's hard to describe. I find it hard to grasp that my Mum is really never going to see her Grandchildren grow up, see her son marry, have children.....
And then there's the other side if the coin where you have to be thankful that those 14 precious hours I had with her, laughing and joking at times but also watching her fade away.......
It's just so hard some days to move forward.
I'm so sorry Mouse.
I know sorry isn't enough and isn't right, but it's all I can say.
I am so lucky I have never had to see death - not with a human anyway.
But my Mum saw her father die when I was 2 and she has told me she has never been the same again. Just something changed - her optimism/vibrance, she says it isn't the same. Yet she wouldn't change being there with him in his last minutes in the world.
One of the last things my Granddad said was to give his eyes to me. I have a visual impairment and in his last stages of Cancer, he didn't really understand that it couldn't be done but he wanted it to so so much.
I only have a very vague memory of him, but he was lovely. My Granddad and uncle (Dad's brother) passed away within 9 months of each other that year and it's truly heartbreaking.
All I can offer is what you have already said; she's no longer in any pain and has nothing to worry about.
I was once told that the passed have nothing to be sad about, it's only those that are left behind that feel helpless, sad and grief and it's very true.
Whether you are religious or not either way your mother is feeling no pain and I am sure her last moments were spent the best they could have been, considering the circumstances.
My thoughts are to you and your beautiful family.
Hello lovely people.
To those who have posted on here and given so much support, thank you.
I just wanted to say that I'm going to join the thread for those who have lost a parent/s but that I will check back here, I might not be posting so much.
I'm sat in front of the Christmas tree as I type this out. Brave face and all that for the DC.... emotional rollercoaster doesn't even begin to come close to it, does it?
Thank you all so much xxx
I hate that I can't sleep. I can't sleep with my disability and the nightmares on top, sleep each day is becoming something of a stranger and yet I want to sleep more than anything but my mind has other plan.
Anyway - I need to go, try to empty my head before closing my eyes, thank you again, just for being you Shabba xxx
Night all xxx
He will think that - but only for a little while. Children only see 'black' or 'white' - you have to just keep reassuring him that things are going to be OK. Please never worry about crying in front of him. Your sadness and emotions will not hurt him in any way - as long as you explain - I used to say to my eldest DS after his brothers died 'I cant stop crying, in fact I am getting on my own nerves' he would smile and say 'I cant stop either its because we loved them so much that we are crying' - I have asked him about this many times and he always says 'Im glad you showed me it was fine to cry, be angry, be happy etc'
Your emotions will be raw at the moment my friend. Massive lows and then highs - not being able to process things in your mind - feeling tired all the time but not being able to sleep.
Today DH is poorly, (really, not ManFlu ™) so slept in the guest room. Nemo asked where he was this morning and I said "Daddy's poorly sweetie, he's got a horrible cough" and he replied "Oh NO!"
I said "What sweetie?"
He replied "Grandma had a cough and she died, is Daddy going to be died too now?"
I had to fight so hard to fight back the tears.
Why are children like that? He meant no mallace and was really worried about his dad and I had to reassure him without him seeing the tears rolling down my face. So each time someone is ill, is he going to think that they'll die?
Hello you lovely lot.
Cathpip - I couldn't have gotten through yesterday without knowing you were there, even though I didn't have you next to me, simply knowing you were there was enough, until I could find you again. I'm glad that you were there with my lovely FIL, he was dreadfully upset that my MIL couldn't be there too.
I could not believe just how many people were there, people stood, crammed in at the back, people outside waiting as there simply wasn't room!
People who I've not seen for years...... People who have lost loved ones since I last saw them, people like you lovely Cathpip who know exactly what it's like to lose your mum or a close loved one, it must have been hard for you to keep that brave face on for me.... You did a wonderful job, and no Nemo was fine with you being at my Dad's. He did ask where your two were though!
Thank you for driving all that way, I love you and will talk to you soon xxx
I'm going to move over to the 'Lost Parent' Thread soon, once I've said all I've had to say here, thank you for the kind invite ssd x
Shabba - how are you today, I thought of you lots yesterday thinking that some day soon, you'll be writing something similar.... hearing my words read aloud was a bit surreal but everyone said that they were lovely and summed her up perfectly.
I hope that you're as okay as you can be Shabba - you must be so scared each day, waking and not knowing if today is the day? Big hugs to you xxx
Thinking about you and all your family. It sounds as though yesterday was a very fitting tribute to your precious Mum. xxxxxx
mouseface, nothing would of stopped me from being with you yesterday. The piece you wrote was beautiful as was the ceremony, your mum was so loved, you just had to see the amount of people that came to say goodbye. You your sisters and brother and all her grand children are a testament to what a marvelous lady she was, my tears held off till the drive home. I hope I didn't freak nemo out too much by being at grandads house! his little face was a picture love you lots sweetheart, catch up on some rest and look after yourself and your lovely dad, speak soon.Xx
mouseface, when your ready come over to the thread about having lost a parent/parents xxx
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