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Miss my son so much

(695 Posts)
LilyTheSavage Sun 10-Nov-13 15:36:57

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

LilyTheSavage Sat 31-May-14 17:51:39

Hi Samharrysmom, I'm so, so sorry about your darling boy. You're right about keeping going. I sometimes think that I suppress my own feelings for the sake of my other two sons. I don't want to burden them with my grief. I will pm you with a link where you will find a safe place and other mothers to talk to. xxx

Mojito100 Sun 01-Jun-14 00:30:47

To sanharrymum - I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. Take care of yourself as much as you can, stay on MN as there is a wealth if support and understanding here too.

Lily, I hope you are slowly starting to feel like you are settled.

Mojito100 Thu 05-Jun-14 10:56:00

Hope you are doing ok Lily. Has the exhaustion fully kicked in or are you coming out the other side of it.

LilyTheSavage Thu 05-Jun-14 22:08:15

Hi Mojito.

I am still shattered and am going to try and go to bed earlier tonight. It's been a busy and exhausting week and I think that I try to cram too much into my days just so I'm busy.

I went to the churchyard yesterday to take flowers. I usually take scissors to trim the grass but I'd forgotten. There was an old man there doing some strimming and I asked if you would possibly have two minutes to do my son's grave. He said he would "just this once" and made me feel really bad. He did it with such a bad grace that I wished I hadn't asked him. I cried and cried. It all seems so wrong. That lovely vibrant life just stopped. It seems unreal.

My youngest son is coming up 21 and I'm having a small lunch party to celebrate his birthday on Sunday. I want to celebrate DS3 and it's important that we should, but I really don't feel like a party. It's no time at all since we celebrated Paddy's 21st and here were are with DS3. I had my Paddy for 21 years, 5 months and 10 days. Too short a time. It's another of those times coming up that I dread. I'm sure the reality of the day will be fine and we'll have a good time, but I always think that I'm one boy short.

LilyTheSavage Tue 10-Jun-14 08:24:29

Ten months today.

The sun is shining and the world continues to turn. People continue to go about their everyday business. Life continues. Trying to make things good for my other two DSs is exhausting and today it's overwhelming.

I feel dark in a day of sunshine.

Mojito100 Tue 10-Jun-14 13:56:12

Thinking if you.

LilyTheSavage Wed 11-Jun-14 08:33:04

Thank you Mojito.

I went to the churchyard yesterday afternoon and took my kindle and a rug intending to spend some quiet private time with my boy. I was thwarted by a class of nursery children who come to the graveyard to play in the big space beside Paddy's grave and an old man, his grand-daughter and her toddler. The nursery children were running about playing and it was lovely hearing the noise of children playing but the other people were loud and intrusive. Eventually they left and then after a while the children went back and all was quiet.

I cried until I had no tears left and then I lay in the sunshine and eventually read my kindle.

I just feel so tired. I came home with steak for my youngest as a treat for his great exam results from second year at uni. He does so well and I'm so proud of him.

Let's see if today brings peace and calm.

Mojito100 Wed 11-Jun-14 14:49:25

I hope you do find some peace today. Congrats on your youngest and his results. Words can't describe the pride you feel in relation to your kids can it. If it's not too painful take some time to remember all those times Paddy made you proud. I'm sure there will be many special memories from when he was little right through to when he was grown.

This cycle of grief is such a burden to carry and there are just those times it is so overwhelming. I'm pleased you cried until you had no more tears. It is so heart wrenching when you do and I find sometimes afterwards the peace I need and sometimes afterwards disrespectful to my DD. There are those times you can feel like you just shouldn't stop but you do.

I don't visit the cemetery where I have a commemorative seat for my DD very often. Maybe I should. I still have DD's ashes with me at home.

something2say Thu 12-Jun-14 19:17:02

Hello. Just been reading your posts. I think you are doing so well. I remember grief, those tears you cry. I think it's ok to stop when they stop. It doesn't mean you stop loving who you miss xxx nobody could ever accuse you of not loving your babies x

LilyTheSavage Fri 13-Jun-14 10:22:14

Hi Mojito. The last couple of days have been more peaceful, probably because I've been keeping really busy. That's the way ahead for me I think. Don't leave time for just sitting and thinking. xx
Hi something. Thank you for your message, and I'm sorry about your DC. You speak from the heart. I think that all we can do is just try and survive this maelstrom and do our best so we help our other children.
Lists and keeping busy is the way for me to survive this emotional roller-coaster.

Mojito100 Tue 17-Jun-14 10:00:43

Lily, I haven't written for a little while but have been here. Not too much to say or else getting my thoughts in order at the moment. Hope you are ok.

LilyTheSavage Fri 20-Jun-14 14:30:20

Hi mojito

I'm ok thanks and am now in France for a few months where it's very quiet and peaceful. It's nice but I'm on my own (again/still) and I miss DS1, his girlfriend and DS3. My DH will be joining me at the end of the month for a week and then for most of August. I'm really hoping that DS1 and his GF will be able to fly out and join us for a long weekend in August when it's Paddy's first anniversary. I want us all to be together then.

It's been hard being back here as I was here when Paddy died. He'd spent several months here working and it was wonderful having him around. Being back here and seeing other old photos of him and his brothers when they were little makes me so sad.

I miss him so much.

Mojito100 Fri 20-Jun-14 16:29:47

Hi lily, I have been hoping you are ok and thinking of you often. I hope the family are together for the first anniversary of Paddy's passing. Time goes far to quickly. Enjoy the peace and cherish your memories.

LilyTheSavage Mon 23-Jun-14 13:26:18

Not doing too well at the moment. Just feeling so overwhelmingly sad most of the time. Nothing to be done except just to try and keep busy and wait for it to pass.

Mojito100 Mon 23-Jun-14 14:35:53

Nothing I can say will take the pain away either. Keeping busy is all you can do. Some days it is just so hard to put one foot in front of the other. I get it.

Mojito100 Wed 25-Jun-14 10:20:26

I hope you have found some peace in France Lily. Will you be there for the anniversary of Paddy's passing or will you go home? Maybe finding a special place in France where you can sit peacefully and talk to or remember Paddy may be something to consider. Then if you are in France you have somewhere special to take yourself. I know you visit his grave which helps you in some way maybe something similar in France may help. I don't really like to offer advice as we all grieve so differently every single day so I hope I haven't upset you with this thought.

Take care.

LilyTheSavage Thu 26-Jun-14 13:06:18

Not much peace to be had here either. It's where Paddy was with me for the last few months of his life and where I saw him last alive. It's very hard. I don't have any particularly special place.

Just need to keep busy and try not to think.

Mojito100 Mon 30-Jun-14 11:31:13

Just checking in. Hope you are ok. brew cake thanks.

LilyTheSavage Wed 02-Jul-14 17:31:48

Hi Mojito.
Thank you so much for checking in. I'm more or less ok. I've eaten the cake and drunk the brew and am enjoying the thanks smile

I'm in France and am keeping busy with the builders. The sun has been shining and it's easier to grieve in the sun than in the rain.

Too many memories.

bn725 Wed 02-Jul-14 20:29:35

Its been four years since my son passed away. I still cant get over that I will never see him or hear his cheeky laugh, he was only 20 and not a day goes by that I don't think of him in some way or other but I know that his is in a better place. Love you son, Dad. XX

LilyTheSavage Fri 04-Jul-14 18:42:48

Hi bn.

I'm very sorry about your son and glad that you find comfort from thinking that he's in a better place. I can't think like that at all though. How can any place be better than with his loving family. That's the very best place for him to be and exactly where he should be. But he's not.

Mojito100 Mon 07-Jul-14 16:44:44

Lily, thinking of you as the 10th draws near. Take as much care of yourself as you can.

LilyTheSavage Wed 09-Jul-14 15:57:22

Thank you Mojito. Tomorrow is yet another 10th of the month. The eleventh time since my DS died. I am struggling at the moment. I ache. Everything is such a struggle and although there are moments when it's ok it is hard to think that the world just continues to turn regardless. I can't remember who the poet is who wrote "Stop all the clocks" but that's how it feels.

Mojito100 Thu 10-Jul-14 13:13:16

I know. It is just so hard. It is so incredibly hard when we are coping at those better times so trying to truly understand the pain of a grieving parent at those times we are at rock bottom is unfathomable to most.

I raise my glass (coffee today) to Paddy and send you cyber hugs today. It is already the 10th for me. 11 long and arduous months without your beautiful son in your world. Take care.

LilyTheSavage Thu 10-Jul-14 13:20:38

brew for mojito

Just about surviving today. No idiots comparing the loss of my darling boy to their dog dying. (Yes really).

How can eleven months seem so long and still seem like yesterday?

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