My dad died on Monday

[weechops]

Not a thread I thought I'd need to post for a long while yet.

My dad had end stage copd and lived in hospital but I thought he would still have at least a year left. But on Saturday I got the call to go and be with him as he was struggling. He held on til early hours of Monday.

I was with him all day Sunday through to 2am when I felt really ill and started swelling up. I'm 32 weeks pregnant. The nurses said they'd wanted to send me home hours ago, so I went home but only an hour later they called to say come back. He had gone by the time I got there.

I feel awful I wasn't holding his hand as he went, but a big part of me thinks (knows) he waited for me to leave before he could go. He was like that - never wanted to worry me :)

I'm just so up and down just now. My kids are 7 and 3 and I think are still too young to grasp what's happened. My mum died 12 years ago so they know about heaven but have never actually 'lost' someone before. They won't be attending the cremation but I thought they could come to the wake?

And my baby boy is due on the 10th of December which is my dads birthday. He was so looking forward to seeing him.

God this post is huge sorry! Just feel like I'm holding it all together for the kids and my husband so he doesn't worry about me. Crying one minute, fine the next.

My poor wee dad :(

[Mintyy]

I'm so sorry weechops. Yes, I do think your children should be at their grandad's wake.

I hope your baby boy arrives on his due date! It will be a lovely way to remember your ddad.

[wasabipeanut]

I'm so very sorry. I lost my Dad to lung cancer nearly a year ago. Sadly I think there is little I can say to comfort you. Cling to your children - they will see you through.

My third child DS2 was born 5 months before Dad died - the day after his birthday. I can imagine some of the feelings you may have about your third DC and his/her due date. He was such a comfort to me in those dark days before and after Dad died.

Take comfort from them and try to be kind to yourself. It's a long road xx

[Chopchopbusybusy]

I'm really sorry for your loss.
Please try not to hide how you are feeling from your DH. I lost my mum earlier this year and I've tried to be more open with my feelings. When my dad died 20 years ago I bottled my feelings up and I don't think it was healthy.
Having your DCs at the wake sounds like a good idea. They'll be good company for you and will probably lighten the mood for everyone.

[friendlymum67]

So sorry to hear about your dad. I lost my wonderful dad 5 years ago to a lung disease, very suddenly and like you didn't get the chance to be with him at the end.

You sound a very loving daughter and were obviously there as long/much as you could be for him.

Your hormones will be all over the place with being pregnant as well, but cry if you need to. Wish I could be more help, but even tho I've been where you are, there are no magic words.

Be kind to yourself, hug your children and DH and grieve for your dad - it's only natural.

Hopefully other mumsnetters will be along soon that are much better with words than I am.

[friendlymum67]

ps: My children didn't come to the funeral but they did come to the wake, which I think was the best way as the funeral was obviously very emotional! My son did do a poem for his grandad which we read at the funeral.

By the time they arrived at the wake, people were talking more light heartedly and there weren't so many tears and children are a good distraction.

[LilRedWG]

I'm so sorry for your loss (how trite that sounds).

Do not underestimate your children's understanding. DD was 2.9 when my parents died and did seem to grasp the concept and cope. She was my rock and strength and kept me going. She did not attend their funerals but did come to Dad's wake, which was lovely.

Please keep talking as and when you need to and be kind to yourself.

[Sharpkat]

Oh bless you. My dad died 5 years 51 weeks ago. It is so so hard.

Look after yourself. Cry when you can. Eat little and often.

Be kind to yourself. You are in shock and your little ones need you but they will survive xx

[Sharpkat]

And the DC should definitely be at the wake

I was not allowed to go to my dad's funeral (evil family) and it breaks my heart. The DC will make it less harrowing. Xx

[weechops]

Thanks for listening :)

I've done all the organising myself as I'm an only child, but in a way I feel glad I can do it for him. When my mum died I was a young 22 and not really able to do her justice I don't think, now I can cope much better and deal with things as they crop up rather than flap.

And my husband is amazing. I've never really been a big crier (well not in front of people anyway) so I think I'm finding it strange to just let go and sob in front of him. Not that I can really hold it in all the time anyway.

Just picked my daughter up from school and she's made me a 'feel better soon' card because she knows I'm sad. These wee people make me strong.

I'm so sorry for everyone who has lost their loved ones too.

[happyyonisleepyyoni]

So sorry for your loss OP

My dad died a few years ago, and he too passed away in the middle of the night without family there. He was a private person and I think he held on til he was alone, perhaps your dad did too. Nurses say it happens a lot.

Take care of yourself.

[Thumbwitch]

So very sorry for your loss, weechops.
My mum died when I was 20w pregnant with DS1 - we were all with her through the night as she had terminal cancer and was on a ventilator. Although no one said anything, I know that the medical staff "assisted" her along a bit with extra morphine but she was in such pain and hated the ventilator so much, so it was a kindness really.

It was awful when we were told she was terminal and had only a few weeks and realising that she wouldn't get to meet DS; in the end it was only 8d from finding out to her dying so quite a shock that she went so quickly.

I found it difficult to cry, I have to say - I am glad for you that you are able to cry because I think I shut down emotionally, in a bid to protect the baby - but it's not a healthy thing to do longterm (I'm not convinced I've ever got over the shutdown and DS1 is now 6!) and I'm also very glad for you that you have a wonderfully supportive DH who will let you cry all over him. Mine would have but I'm not a public pain person either so retreated away from him a bit.

Mum was cremated; all her grandchildren were at her funeral and also the wake (aged 1-4) although possibly not at the crematorium (the funeral was at a church prior to the crem), I can't honestly remember. Some people were heartened to see them - a bit "circle of life" thing, I suppose - others (including my Dad) found that they were a little trying because of course they found it very hard to keep still and quiet.

Depending on their ages, I think perhaps you should give them the option to go or not - they might want to.

[SoupDragon]

This thread is from October. A quick search and I found this on an antenatal thread...

weechops Tue 17-Dec-13 07:29:58

Baby boy born at 2.18am weighing 7lb 13oz smile will post a pic to the group. I got my vbac! Really quick labour - 3 hours all in. Was 2cm when I got to assessment, and 10 an hour later! No time for epidural so all done with gas and air. He is perfect

[Thumbwitch]

Oo thanks for noticing that, Soupdragon.

Congratulations on your baby boy, Weechops - sorry (or not?) that he missed your Dad's birthday by a week but glad it all went well for you :)