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Second Bereavement and feel like no one cares

(15 Posts)
NotSwimming Tue 08-Oct-13 16:31:13

I lost a parent a few months ago, it was a great shock and not something I have been able to come to terms with. But I got on with life because I had no choice.

Now my brother has passed away and I feel so alone. My local community was great last time and the words of support and cards and gestures made everything bearable.

But this time I feel as though I have committed some kind of sin by being bereaved twice in a short period. I have had some odd reactions from the people I have told and now I am wary of telling anyone else. I feel as though I want people to rally around me but how can tell people what has happened without seeming like I am demanding help and sympathy. To add to this I have had little contact from my extended family. I just feel so alone and I have no one to turn to.

Perhaps I expect too much.

PicklePants Tue 08-Oct-13 16:35:40

How awful sad I'm so sorry for your losses. I don't think you are expecting too much at all. I've lost a parent unexpectedly too and I know that feeling of having the rug pulled out from under you.

Sorry I'm not very helpful, I'm sure someone will be along with good advice soon.

In the meantime have a hug xx

NotSwimming Tue 08-Oct-13 16:48:34

No it is helpful to express it and to know that someone wanted to respond. I am sorry for your loss x

telsa Tue 08-Oct-13 16:58:29

I wonder if people are embarrassed rather than heartless. They probably find it difficult to know how to react to what is so immense in your life and they imagine how awful it must be and that is incapacitating. I am very sorry for you. I know that anonymous sympathy is not much, but it is something, and I would reckon that many people are very willing to reach our to you at your time of need, if you open up to them. If they don't, they are indeed dorks.

NotSwimming Tue 08-Oct-13 18:48:35

I am sure that is it. I think I am just gutted and transferring my grief.

nextphase Tue 08-Oct-13 19:17:08

I am so, so sorry to hear of your losses.
It seems to me that those who have lost someone close, have some understanding, and will try to say something.
People who have been fortunate enough for bereavement to have bypassed them so far just don't understand the effect it has. I honestly beleive they aren't doing it to be mean, they just don't know what to do.

I have lost a "friend" over a bereavement, however it has opened my eyes to the support you also get in unusual places, and have gained a very close friendship from my loss.

You are not demanding anything - you need support around you at such a horrible time. I hope you can find someone to help you through the next weeks and months.


NotSwimming Tue 08-Oct-13 21:36:26

Thank you...I have tried to reach out to some local friends so hopefully I can lean on them a bit.

Mediumred Tue 08-Oct-13 21:44:59

You poor, poor thing. I recently lost my mother and feel crushed by grief sometimes. I think I would be unable to carry on if anything happened to any other loved one, you sound like you are being very brave and doing as well as possible in the circumstances.
I think often people are helpless, speechless, in the face of such profound and terrible loss, anything sounds like a platitude. I really hope your friends can help you, anyone's heart should be full of sympathy for your awful losses.
Please take care.

NotSwimming Tue 08-Oct-13 22:23:03

I keep coming back and welling up. It does mean a lot that people 'out there' take the trouble to reply. And maybe now is when I find out who my true friends are. nextphase and mediumred I am sorry for your losses. I hope you found the kindness you have shown me.

grants1000 Wed 09-Oct-13 18:27:28

hmm sorry to hear this, so hard for you. I don't think people are fed up with you at all, like others have said, they are not sure what to say.

nextphase Thu 10-Oct-13 18:42:11

How are you doing?
Hopefully you've managed to find out who your true friends are now, and have some RL support, otherwise, please come back and talk to us.


ssd Sat 12-Oct-13 08:43:04

op, I'm so sorry. I lost my mum recently and I know how awful that it, but to lose your brother on top of this is unbelievable, you must be completely drained. In my experience, losing someone you love is hard enough (never mind two people you love sad), but dealing with peoples lack of empathy or concern really really bothers me, its so hard to take, especially from extended family who you feel should either be grieving also or helping you along a bit. But when they are doing neither it just floors me. And it seems to happen so often, going by the threads on here. I post a lot of the thread about losing a parent, I'll try to link but basically its called "for anyone needing support after losing a parent", its a great comfort, please come over and post on it when you feel able to, we are all at different stages but we all support each other better than the support we get in real life.


ssd Sat 12-Oct-13 08:45:32

hope this works op xx

NotSwimming Tue 15-Oct-13 03:54:30

Thanks for thinking of me still.

It's been a mixed bag, I found the courage to tell friends who have all been mostly lovely. Yet I am here in the middle of the night thinking uncomfortable thoughts about the manner of his death. And a very small thing that troubles me is that I have not received any cards. After my father died I had a few and it was a great comfort to me, it really made a difference. Is it like having a second and third child and people don't acknowledge it in the same way?
I have had no contact from my fathers side of the family, and there is a lot of them. Not one phone call, text, or email which is odd as I consider myself close to them if not in proximity. But this may be as I am considered the strong one, though I have not been feeling it. Still I will see them all next week at the funeral.
Ssd I will try to have the courage to read that thread tomorrow, it sounds lovely.

ssd Tue 15-Oct-13 21:27:39

It is lovely, there's so much support from posters who feel the same as you, and have experienced loss and hurt and being ignored all at once. It might help you a little bit and make you feel a bit less lonely about it all.

Now, the cards thing is weird. Its as if people are thinking, well I sent her a card before, maybe that'll do, as if your loss of your brother was just the same as the loss of your parent. I really think bereavement seems to really show us who cares about us and tries to imagine how it might feel, and those you cant be bothered caring for us at all. That's my experience anyway!

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