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My best friend died 17 years ago. I can't remember the exact date. Help.

(13 Posts)
DoItTooJulia Thu 12-Sep-13 21:57:33

<deep breath>

My best friend died in a RTA 17 years ago, when we were 17.

I know it was October time. I was obviously distraught. I went to the funeral, I went to her home and chatted to her distraught parents. They showed me her bedroom, the bedroom I had slept in dozens of times.

For years I went to her grave and laid flowers. About 10 years ago I made the conscious decision to stop going as I found it so distressing. I noticed that some of our friends had also stopped going and I felt it was a private place for her parents and family.

I recently saw her mum. I had my children with me. I haven't seen her for a number of years. Seeing her bought it all back. I felt so awkward because there I was with the trappings of my happy and continuing life.

Now I am older, I feel that I want to visit her grave and lay some flowers again. I would also like to mark the anniversary of her death. But I can't remember when it was.

Do I just go at any time? Obviously the grave will have the date marked on it. I am also worried I won't remember where the grave is.

Would it be ok to go? Is there any way I can find out the date of her passing is without visiting the graveyard?

I think about her still, and quite often. I miss my friend. Not sure why I'm posting.

Sorry it's so long.

SunshineSuperNova Thu 12-Sep-13 22:06:08

Hello lovely

No advice but massive hugs xxx

I'm sure you can go to the grave any time.

marriednotdead Thu 12-Sep-13 22:10:35

Sorry that you are feeling sad again.

Grief has no time limits, or expiry point so can pop up again unexpectedly.

Searching BMD records online may give you the precise date if you want to find out before you go.

You can visit at any time as long as the cemetery is open. They keep meticulous records of who is laid to rest where, so if you call the cemetery office, they will have a record of the plot number, which they can then show you on a map. They will probably have the date of death too, or at least the date of the burial.

Please don't feel guilty for living your life. It's sad that death comes earlier than expected for some, but I'm sure your friend and her mum would not want you to grieve forever flowers

jumperooo Thu 12-Sep-13 22:12:31

Yes you should go. If you get there and can't remember where her grave is, you should be able to ask someone there if they have a house or office at the gate? (Not sure what they are called).

I'm a relative of an RTA victim who died at a young age, the same amount of time ago as your friend infact. Whoever goes to the grave regularly will be touched by any flowers left.

Hope it goes ok.

DoItTooJulia Thu 12-Sep-13 22:20:04

Thanks all.

When she died, I remember feeling actual proper pain in my heart. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt panicked that I wouldn't remember her. Her voice, her laugh, her hair. I still, every now and again feel those things. It was before the digital era, so the only photos I have are faded snaps of us.

Mostly, I remember her with fondness and nostalgia, but recently it's getting a bit more raw if that makes sense?

I haven't got many female friends and I think it's as a result of losing my best friend. I don't want to lose another as I know how much it hurts. I didn't drive for 10 years after her death and had difficulty being a passenger in a car. I'm sure it's related to her accident.

I will go. I now also feel sad that I stopped going.

Jumperoo, I'm so sorry for your loss too. I hope her family are touched if I leave flowers. I would hate to somehow make it worse.

SunshineSuperNova Thu 12-Sep-13 22:32:36

Hello lovely

I lost my closest friend to suicide 8 years ago. I remember the terror of forgetting everything about her.

It's only the last couple of years that it's been easier to deal with, but occasionally it comes back.

More flowers for you and flowers for Jumperoo.

DoItTooJulia Thu 12-Sep-13 22:38:57

Oh, sunshine.

It's so sad. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

I have been looking online and I have found out that the anniversary of her death was actually September, not October.

How could I forget? Her birthday was October.

It's galvanised me even more. I must go.

WeAreSeven Sat 14-Sep-13 01:11:39

DoIt, I lost a child. Mine sadly didn't get the chance to grow up and make friends but if she had, I would hope that they would remember her and visit her grave occasionally. I sometimes feel like my dd's grave is a very lonely place and I like it when I go and find flowers or a little token to show someone has been there. It comforts me a little to know that she's not forgotten by others. Most of the time, Mum, MIL and I are the only ones who put flowers on. Mum lives far away, MIL only does it on "special" days so mostly it's just me.

DoItTooJulia Sat 14-Sep-13 08:19:33

WeAreSeven, so sorry for your loss.

As a mum, I cannot bear the thought of losing a child. My heart really goes out to you. I think it's one if the reasons it's playing in my mind again....seeing her mum and not being able to imagine how she copes.
My mum is coming with me on Sunday. I asked her to come and we had a little cry together. My mum was also fond of my friend and she spent many an hour at our house. We are going to lay some flowers and leave a card.

She also suggested that I write to her mum. I'm not sure about this, but I'll think it over.

Thanks for posting all.

WeAreSeven Sat 14-Sep-13 09:55:36

Please do write to her Mum. It will mean a lot to her xx

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Sat 14-Sep-13 10:00:20

You're not alone Julia. My friend took her own life and I had similar feelings when I bumped into her mum later. I think its about you having the life that her daughter should be having as well.

Don't worry about the date. Its just a day. Go to her grave and have a bit of time of grieving again. It doesn't matter how long ago it was, these things can hit you at any time.

I found some old photos in the end of me and said friend and sent them to her mum with a note to say I'd not forgotten. I had been worried she'd be upset when she got them and she was, but appreciated that someone still remembered enough to care.

DoItTooJulia Sun 15-Sep-13 13:44:09

I've been.

It was quite sad. The cemetery is quite far away from my house, so we had a bit of a drive. They had changed the entrance and exit, so I was quite disorientated when we drove in.

Luckily, my mum remembered where her grave was and took me straight there. We laid flowers and left a card. We got a bit upset. I can't believe it was 17 years ago.

I feel better for going. I will write to her mum.
Thanks for the support. It really helped.

SunshineSuperNova Sun 15-Sep-13 15:26:47

Big hugs x

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