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Have just lost my baby at 25 weeks

(188 Posts)
Sleepathon Sun 25-Aug-13 12:49:40

I am sat with my hubby in hospital and have just been told that baby has died, there is no heartbeat.

I haven't really cried although my hubby is in bits. They are about to give me a tablet which will get things going to induce labour.

This was my first pregnancy. I think I may be in shock cos all I can think of is the practical things. Like cancelling the furniture order which is being delivered on Wednesday. Yesterday we did a massive shop, ordered a travel system, bought bedding, a cuddly toy etc. I have just cancelled an Asda order due for delivery where I had bought some nappies and sudocream etc.

The thing I am dreading is telling the rest of my family and my friends. I hate pity and I hate people feeling sorry for me. My family are all going to want to come round and I don't think I want to see them just yet.

I am scared about how I'm going to feel in the following months. It took us 18 months to conceive. Am I right in thinking I will get full maternity leave as baby is going to be classed as stillborn rather than miscarriage? One of my best friends at work is pregnant. And another has just had her baby.

What am I going to do with all the baby clothes I have bought? sad

Please say a prayer for us.
Any advice on coping is appreciated x

Sleepathon Mon 26-Aug-13 09:37:59

Thank you all.

The reason we are thinking sick leave will be better is that I will get a better payment for it, it's 6 months full pay and then 6 months half pay.

Whereas maternity pay is 2 months full pay, then 4 months half pay + smp then 3 months just smp then nothing. Is it wrong to be thinking about the money?

Also if miracles do happen and we get pregnant say in 6/12/18 months time then I will again get full maternity leave entitlements whereas if intake maternity leave now I will have to go back to work for a certain period.

Please tell me your thoughts? Thank you

Nessalina Mon 26-Aug-13 10:28:19

ISWYM Sleep, and inevitably your brain is going to switch to practical mode right now, so don't feel bad about thinking about the money, it's very sensible. You have a lot of emotion to come, so thinking practical is good.
Ok, so if you take Sick, then as far as I know you waive your right to full maternity for Ibrahim (beautiful name), but you'd need to check that with work HR. If you take sick, then as you say, you'll get a year full, and six months part, but sick leave is very different to mat leave. On sick leave you'll have contact from work, and home visits after a certain point, and your doctor will need to periodically assess you to renew your sick note. The sickness absence will go on your permanent record, which may (or may not) cause issues down the line with promotion/new job, and you may feel assessed/judged/threatened by the prospect of having to return to work early. But, if you have a thick skin, then the cash is much better, plus as you say, you'd instantly qualify for mat leave if you fell pregnant again within the year.
If you take mat leave, you are entitled to a year of absolute privacy. No assessments, nothing, just a year off no questions asked, starting tomorrow. But, as you know, you will only get 2/3 months full, then 6 months half/stat pay, so basically 3/4 months less pay over the year. If you conceive then, yes, you would have to go back to work for 3months to qualify for another mat leave.
The thing is though, if you start as mat leave, and go back to work after 9 months, if you still feel unable to work, then you can take sick at that point. If you start as sick, I'm pretty sure you can't then switch to maternity. I'd say call in tomorrow to your boss, give them the facts, you have miscarried and will not be in, but that you need to speak to HR and your doctor to confirm the next steps.
Sorry, that was war & peace but I hope it helps a bit.
Good luck hun, stay strong xx

imip Mon 26-Aug-13 10:54:58

Wow sleep, you sick provision is pretty decent and I can see the attraction to take sick. I am going to echo everything nessalina says, you will lose your maternity leave if you take sick straight away and you cannot get it back. I think also a dr will need to sign you off long term sick and you won't neccescarily find a dr who may do that for as long as you wish.

Good to focus on the practical stuff, you may find it difficult soon, so you have your options. If you take maternity straight away, at least you are still getting two months full pay and you could change your mind if you feel like it down the track. Other things with maternity leave is you keep your holiday entitlement etc, so perhaps you could take holidays to keep financial. Perhaps at this stage it is good to have explored your options and to keep them open tO make firm decisions in the coming days and weeks.

Money, while important, may not seem so important in the next few months. I feel pregnant v quickly after I lost my daughter (10.5 months between my first daughter and my first surviving daughter).

Wishing you the best sleep, I'll log in a little later today xxx

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Mon 26-Aug-13 11:39:29

So so sorry this has happened.

The problems with the sick leave option are

The difficulty you may encounter getting a doctor to sign you off sick for so long. However sympathetic they are to you they won't be allowed to sign you off sick if you are not. So you would be embarking on this course of action with a lack of certainty about duration.

The possible right your employer has to get you to see their own doctor if you are on long term sick.

The right your employer has to expect you to keep in touch with them if you are in sick v the absolute right to be undisturbed if on maternity leave.

You can't change to maternity leave after the sick leave whereas you can go sick after maternity leave.

The fact that when considering future redundancies/promotion your employer has a right to consider sickness records. But not periods of maternity leave.

Some of this has already been canvassed above.

Ultimately only you can decide what it best. Hugs to you and your DP.

sparklingstars Mon 26-Aug-13 12:15:07

Re the sick leave/maternity leave, the SANDs website says this:

• Sick Leave. A miscarriage is a pregnancy-related sickness. Your employer
must not dismiss or treat you less favourably because you have a
pregnancy-related sickness, even if you have only just started working there.
The time you have off will not count towards your sickness record (though
any sick pay you get will be counted) and is not time-limited. You need to
get a Fit note (previously called a Sick note) from your GP.

sparklingstars Mon 26-Aug-13 12:17:39

I think that you might find that your maternity leave has already started, I believe that it starts automatically when your baby is born.

Sleepathon Mon 26-Aug-13 13:40:37

It's good to look at the pros and cons. I have a feeling I may have no choice and that Maternity leave will automatically start from tomorrow.

If I take maternity leave for a few months then am I going to be entitled to take sick leave pretty much straight afterwards or will I need to go to work for a few days/ week ect?

Family are all round again today. Feels nice and normal to be sat having a brew. Mum has cooked lots of nice food. And we are all talking bout the practicalities of tomorrow.

Brother and brother in law are sorting out all the funeral arrangements so we don't have to worry about that. Hope the labour etc doesnt take too long tomorrow and that it is easy.

Keep talking to me it really helps x

imip Mon 26-Aug-13 13:51:56

Sleep, I think you'll need to be signed of by a dr to get sick leave. It won't be something that you can take of your own volition, not for a good length of time anyway. This would be the case irrespective of whether you retook maternity leave or not. I stand to be corrected, but I think I have got it right.

I went to work 9 weeks after I lost my daughter. I was in a different work place and no one knew what happened, that helped a lot. From what I have seen (I'm still involved with sands), this is an early return to work. But everyone is different.

There are some things that perhaps you won't be ready for. Your milk may come in once you've had the baby. This can be hard, it certainly was a. Very difficult time for me. They can give you drugs to suppress the milk, however I was not offered this. It's a rough road you're heading down but your family sound very supportive and you'll need to lean them. I had post traumatic stress disorder afterwards. This is common, and a good reason to take maternity leave so that you have the opportunity to feel completely healed before you return to work. I say completely, however, I think losing a baby will always be with you, but you will find zest for life again.

MortifiedAdams Mon 26-Aug-13 14:09:00

OP if I were you I would take at least the six months Mat Leave. Then, should you wish, you could add on the remainder as sick pay.

Sleepathon Mon 26-Aug-13 14:19:15

They have told me about the tablet that will stop breast milk I am defo going to take it.

TaytoCrisp Mon 26-Aug-13 14:47:33

I imagine that mat leave will have started automatically, though I can't see any reason why you would not be able to take sick leave straight after if you really need it.

Good that everyone is around.

I delivered my little boy at 23 weeks , I opted for epidural and anything else they would give me. Don't be afraid to let them know what you need.

Thinking of you xxx

pumpkinsweetie Mon 26-Aug-13 14:51:33

sad So so sad, how awful. Thinking of you op, glad you have your family around you xxx

Silverfoxballs Mon 26-Aug-13 14:56:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyMedea Mon 26-Aug-13 15:09:49

Just to say there is no minimum return to work time if you become pregnant on maternity leave - not for statutory anyway and I doubt for occupational as it wouldn't make much sense. Also if you atent fit t return to work at the end then you can be signed off by your doctor. So don't worry about using up you may leave entitlement. Just remember you may also want to return to work after a few months.... It's a good distraction.

MeerkatMerkin Mon 26-Aug-13 15:41:38

I am so sorry for your loss. xxxx

Candyliongirl Mon 26-Aug-13 17:40:43

Crikey. I could have written all this just a week ago. I lost my little girl Lyra at 24 weeks on the 16th of August and am in utter limbo. I have a little girl who is nearly 3 and its heartbreaking that she was so keen to be a big sister but such a comfort to have her and she is really keeping us going through this tough time. I have decided to take mat leave as I didn't want to be assessed by a dr or have someone dictate when I should go back if I'm not ready. I also wanted to be left alone.

SauvignonBlanche Mon 26-Aug-13 18:06:30

Take the Mat leave, you don't want to rush back, you can always cut the leave short if you want and just take the paid option.
I lost my DS at 23 weeks so it wasn't an option for me and I was back after a couple of weeks which was hard.

ThermoBoy Mon 26-Aug-13 18:54:03

I agree with LadyMedea and SauvignonBlanche.
Candyliongirl and SauvignonBlanche - am so sorry to hear of your losses.

ThermoBoy Mon 26-Aug-13 18:55:32

And TaytoCrisp and everyone else on this thread who has suffered a loss.

SoulTrain Mon 26-Aug-13 18:58:30

I'm so sorry for your loss and will be thinking of you a this truly horrendous time xx

tinypumpkin Mon 26-Aug-13 19:03:00

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I understand the wanting to hide thing, I did too. Please do take any support that is offered (if it feels right for you). You will find who it is that you will want to talk to if you do want to talk. For me it was often in unexpected places.

There are no right and wrong ways to feel, everyone is different. I am not sure if we are allowed to comment on other forums but there are specific baby loss forums if you would like to talk there. I lost my twin DD at 29 weeks (one survived) and would be happy to talk if you want to do so via PM.

I hope the coming days are as manageable as possible. You may have a bereavement midwife in your hospital, it might be worth asking as they can be a huge help too.

tinypumpkin Mon 26-Aug-13 19:04:18

I realise that I did not answer your question. DD1 was not stillborn but was a neonatal death. I did go on to have a healthy pregnancy with DD3 who I carried for 38 weeks. She is my rainbow baby.

tinypumpkin Mon 26-Aug-13 19:06:48

So truly sorry Candylion girl for the loss of your little girl, Lyra. Happy to chat via PM if you ever want to.

SauvignonBlanche Mon 26-Aug-13 19:10:53

Sorry, I didn't answer either.
Ds2 was followed the year later by DD who is now a healthy teenager.
God bless you and your DH.

Nessalina Mon 26-Aug-13 19:15:17

Sauvignon, how come you went back after a couple of weeks? Was that your decision, or was there work pressure, or did your sick note run out? You can't have been entitled to mat leave but if you had been, in hindsight, would you have taken it? Your case seems very relevant potentially to the OP as she is considering sick as an alternative to maternity, thinking she can take up to a year, but you had to take sick, and you didn't get much time at all, so just interested in what happened in your case.
So sad to hear of all the losses suffered on this thread, I just don't know how I'd have coped in your situations. Xx

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