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Spreading the ashes but it's been so long.

(8 Posts)

A close family member died a couple of years ago. Her dcs live away from home and one of them wants to have a spreading of the ashes ceremony next year.

The problem is the close family member's brother is old and doesn't want to attend. He's still grieving and trying to cope.

The dc who's organised this has got arsey about it saying he should attend.

I've tried to explain that we all have choices and grieve differently but it's not going in.

I know the dcs are travelling a long way for this but I still think they shouldn't try to force an old person to go too.

Families eh, who'd have 'em?

Goldmandra Sat 10-Aug-13 15:48:08

A grieving family is a recipe for a fallout.

I think you're right. We should all be allowed to grieve in our own way.

Hopefully, by the time the ceremony comes around, the person who organised it will have processed it all a bit more and realised that theya re being unreasonable.

Sadly I know the person who organised it won't change their view. It's their way or no way.

I wish they were more understanding as it's causing so much stress for the elderly db. I know once the time comes round it'll get worse.

Goldmandra Sat 10-Aug-13 16:40:29

That is really sad. I have a relative who is a bit like this and, most of the time, it's easier just to go with what they want. It's when someone else feels that they need to put their foot down that things get really difficult and I think that's made worse by the fact that it doesn't happen often.

If you feel that the elderly relative really need to be protected from this could you, as a family, express your concerns, perhaps by writing to them, and, ultimately, say that you won't participate in an activity in memory of someone who has died at the expense of the well-being of someone who is still around?

I've already told her that the elderly dbro won't be going and doesn't want to. I'll try to make sure any discussion goes through me as the dbro gets upset and stressed. He's quite happy relieved about his.

Goldmandra Sat 10-Aug-13 18:48:37

You sound lovely and the dbro is lucky to have you looking out for him. You are doing a good thing by trying to be a buffer between them.

Don't be afraid to lay down the law if you need to because the pushy relative is upping the anti. You're in the right here.

Thanks Goldmandra, I'll not back down smile

Goldmandra Sat 10-Aug-13 19:52:52

I hope it all turns out OK in the end and that you get a chance to concentrate on saying your goodbye too xx

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