Why can't I get over my mother's death?

(22 Posts)
sunchowder Thu 12-Feb-04 17:24:47

Mothernature..I just saw this as I am never able to keep up on a daily basis. You posts made me cry. I lost my own mother in 1991, before she saw me happily married and never had a chance to meet my daughter. It took me 9 years to go to bereavement counseling and I can also recommend this to you. It allowed me to remember her and to try to understand her more and to have the chance to finally grieve for her. I miss her dreadfully, but it allowed me to think of her without totally losing my composure and breaking into tears at the first thought of her. I lost my father suddenly in May and grieve daily for him also, what has happened this time is that I have allowed myself to cry and to feel the sadness. I will never forget the last time I saw him--he gave me this really strong, firm hug--maybe he knew--I don't know. I wish you peace in all of this. We are never ready to lose our parents and I know I will always miss them. Through councelling you might even find that you can heal some of the relationships with your sisters. I know that feels impossible right now, your DH will understand--you are not looking for sympathy, you are just looking for a way to feel better. I cry at silly things too, I just know I am very sensitive and especially sensitive about death and loss. The councelling enabled me to see that I am sensitive and to appreciate that about myself and be able to separate that from the grieving process. I hope that makes sense and you can understand what I mean here. I wish you the best.

tallulah Tue 10-Feb-04 20:50:09

Mothernature, I felt I was just starting to really know my dad as an adult when he died suddenly. It's been 7 years & I can get thrown by the silliest thing- like a Nat King Cole song sung on Stars in their Eyes, which was one of his favourites, or a film on Tv. Always always out of the blue & I'm in floods again. I agree with the others that you never "get over" the loss of a parent, & sadly little extra losses along the way all seem worse with the Big One at the back of your mind (distant aged aunts & old neighbours). I found bereavement counselling very helpful.

mothernature Tue 10-Feb-04 12:26:13

Ks, my mum wasn't really a sort of emotional person, I think I saw her cry once when dad died, I don't think I got to know the real her, that is one thing I regret, she shared her life with my older sister's they knew her much better, they seemed to be on another level and I was always the outsider, I think I got the start of how things were going to be when I was having ds1, then it was gone...I remember when ds1 was born we were alone in the hospital he was lay on my lap and I was talking to him, "I promise I will love you and look after you always, you are my link to my mum" 'and for that I will always be greatful' I felt she knew him as she had 'felt him' in my tummy just before she was gone....

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ks Tue 10-Feb-04 12:15:48

Message withdrawn

mothernature Tue 10-Feb-04 12:14:46

I look at my children now, who are all teenager's and think "I don't want to miss anything they do" with my mum dying as suddenly as she did I think it helped me in life, I know that sounds strange after what I have just posted, but I realise what I would miss if I wasn't there, already my eldest is planning out his future and I want to be part of that I tell them every day how much I love them, we kiss goodbye in the morning and kiss goodnight everynight, we never end the day with a row, if one has been in the air it has to be cleared before they go to bed. That i suppose will be her legacy to me, but I still miss her and suppose I always will, I just need to tell someone about it, you have all been great even though I am crying whilst I am replying to your posts to me, I think I'm having a blue day....

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jampot Tue 10-Feb-04 12:06:57

You're absolutely right about falling out in teenage years - I have an older sister and twin sister (our poor dad had no chance!) and hormones were very high in our house for a few years.

Batters Tue 10-Feb-04 12:05:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.


CountessDracula Tue 10-Feb-04 12:01:41

Mothernature what a terrible time to lose your mother. I'm not surprised you haven't got over it. Just when you were able to appreciate your mother by becoming one yourself, she suddenly wasn't there any more. I must admit that I have only really appreciated what my mum did for me since I became a mother, so I guess (my cod psych) that you are feeling so sad and possibly guilty because you never got to tell her that you understood what she had given up for you and how much she loved you.

I am sure bereavement counselling would help you with this.

mothernature Tue 10-Feb-04 11:51:06

Thanks jampot,your post made me smile, I look very much like my mum now, when I see photo's of her I can see myself in them, when I was younger we fell out alot as you do I suppose when your teenager's your supposed to fall out with them right? anyway when I got married to dh everything was great, she came to visit when the nursery was finished put her arms around my tummy and hugged me, that was the last time I saw or felt her. I miss that so much....

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Thomcat Tue 10-Feb-04 11:48:12

oh your poor thing - how awful for you. It does sound that you have never really been able to put the whole issue of her death to bed, so to speak, and that there are a lot of unresolved issues hanging around still. I know nothing about Bereavement counselling but have to say that it does sound as if it may help you, I don't think it can do any harm. It may be scary at first because it is bound to open the flood gates, but they need to be opened in order for things to flow freely and smoothly.
Your husband will there for you and could either come in to the appts with you or just wait outside to drive you home.

I do really feel for you.

jampot Tue 10-Feb-04 11:47:04

Mothernature, would it help by telling us something about your mum? What did she like? dislike? What did she look like? My mum was from Ireland and was a nurse. When we were little and poorly she'd tell us we were just overtired. My dad supported the Blues and my cousin would come every Saturday night to watch Match of the Day with dad and talk about the Blues. My mum was so pissed off she got hold of a poster of Andy Gray (Aston Villa) and put it up in the lounge! She was also very loving and would do anything for anyone. Our next door neighbour used to say if Angels walked the earth Mum and Dad were certainly two of them - which is nice. Didn't pass the Angel gene on though!!!

mothernature Tue 10-Feb-04 11:45:02

Marina thank you for your reply, Countess, I can't talk to them I know I can't, it just won't come out the same, it will look as though I am out for sympathy after such a long time, and I'm not I just want to be able to carry on life without bursting into tears when someone mentions her or death related things, don't get me wrong I dont mean death in general I understand that, but if someone close is ill I start thinking about not being able to be with them any more and it turns me inside out.

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CountessDracula Tue 10-Feb-04 11:39:22

Mothernature, don't feel silly at all, maybe just writing this is the beginning of you coming to terms with your mother's death.

I do think that it is natural to never "get over" the death of your mother, however I think that if you do go for some kind of counselling you could turn your sorrow into fond memories. It does sound like things were not really resolved at the time; would it help if you could talk to your sisters about it - you never know they may feel the same way as you.

Marina Tue 10-Feb-04 11:38:07

Bereavement counselling will help, Mothernature. How awful that she died just before you could share being mothers together. I am so sorry. For what it is worth I don't think there is anything intrinsically wrong with thinking a lot of someone who died and whom you loved deeply. A counsellor will be able to help you do that without distressing yourself. I found it really vital in getting over a bereavement last year. Hugs.

mothernature Tue 10-Feb-04 11:30:41

Thomcat, thanks for your reply.

Yes I do talk to her and I dream of her alot, my dad died when I was 19 he had been ill for a while so that was not so unexpected, my mum's death however was very sudden, we had made arrangements to have lunch togeather that day my husband wobbled me down to the house, (he was on his way to work) when we got there for some reason I looked in the window, I Knew there was something wrong, the paramedics had left some stuff on the floor and the house was empty, my sister lived next door, we went to see her only to be met by a very young policeman, who seemed at a loss as what to say to me due to my condition, my sister couldn't speak but I knew by the way she looked at me what had happend.

We have never spoken about it and I don't see her at all now, she works and has her own family to look after, there is a big gap in between me and my other sister's they were all grown up and married by the time I came along, One live's away but even if I did go to see her she wouldn't know who I was she has MS and is in a very bad way with it. My eldest sister is wrapped in her family and their children, we see each other at christmas time but again we never speak of mum.

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Welshmum Tue 10-Feb-04 11:28:17

Hello mothernature. I lost my mum 9 years ago and I find that I miss her so much every single day - having a baby made it so much worse. The thing that has most helped me is trying to do more and more with my close and extended family. I've really, really improved my relationship with my sister. We didn't get on well in the past but now are very close indeed and I feel that this brings me closer to my mum as my sister is like her (as I am I guess)I've also tried to develop better friendships with my extended family, visiting more and including them in DD's life.
I've also realised that I will never fill the hole left by my mum and recognise that that's right. She was so important to me - why should I forget her, and why should I stop missing her and why shouldn't I cry for wanting her to hug me some days?
And although DD's arrival made me miss mum more it's also made me more able to look forwards instead of back. Physically mum has gone but DD will have some of her ways and already has some of her looks.
I don't know if any of that helps but I wish you peace and comfort in remembering her.

Twinkie Tue 10-Feb-04 11:27:53

Second going to bereavement counselling too.

Please do something about it - you will never get over your mum not being there but with some help it will be easier to accepot and you can replace the sad feelings with the realisation that it has happened and getting comfort and warmth from the memories rather than utter sadness.

Sending you a big ()

Thomcat Tue 10-Feb-04 11:19:02

oh mothernature - bless you. I don't have any personal experience but know my own mother still aches for her mum all the time. They were so close and although my nan died really of old age more than anything else my mum misses her dreadfully.

My dad is the same with his mum - he cannot talk about her with our welling up, each and every toime.

I don't know what else to say really.

Do you speak to your mum, do you just chat to her still sometimes? There are people who have gone from my life and sometimes I find it help just to take 10 minutes out and tell them how I'm feeling and tell them what's going on. Or i write in Charlottes journal and feel that as it's written down I'm sharing her progress with my nan as I'm writing it It may seem silly but it just helps me sometimes.

lots of love to you and a big hug {{{{{{{{}}}}}}}

jampot Tue 10-Feb-04 11:10:55

I really sympathise with you Mothernature. I lost my mum on my son's first birthday. My dad had died 6 years earlier. I did have my mum around when I became a mum and I don't know what I would have done without her. It's a huge loss and to lose your mum at such an important time in your life must be so hard to cope with. I really would advise bereavement counselling - it's never too late. There will always be things that you want to share with your mum and those are the times I really miss her.

mothernature Tue 10-Feb-04 11:08:32

Thanks dinosaur, your a sweetie

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dinosaur Tue 10-Feb-04 11:07:35

mothernature I have no advice but I just wanted to say, big hugs, and hopefully bumping this up the board will give someone who can help a chance to see it

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mothernature Tue 10-Feb-04 10:55:41

It has been nearly 15 years since I lost my mum, I was 8 months pregnant at the time, everything went in a blur, suddenly I was a new mum and no one to share it with, as the years passed and I had 2 more children, I constantly searched for what was missing in my life, not realising it was my mum.

I still cry at the most silly things, the other night I was watching T.V and the tears were blubbing down my face, my heart was racing, my chest felt as though it would explode, when I see anyone upset or even looking as though they might cry my insides hurt and I feel myself choking back the tears, I avoid any talk of death, everything else in life is ok, I have a DH who would do anything for me, but after such a long time I feel I cannot broach the subject with him again..has anyone else felt the same.

I feel silly writing this but I have to get it out of my system to someone on the side lines someone who is impartial to my family, I feel as though I have not been able to grieve properly for her, a day does not pass without me thinking of her in some form or another. Advice please if you can..

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