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Miss my Dad so much

(12 Posts)
kansasmum Wed 24-Jul-13 22:27:00

I'm really sad today. Tomorrow will be 7 weeks since my darling Dad died. Tomorrow is also my birthday- my first birthday without Dad I cried a lot last night and have felt sad
and in a bad mood all day today. I miss him so much. My lovely friend has invited me over for BBq as my dh has to be overseas with work this week. She invited my mum too but my mother has decided she can't come because she is looking after the neighbours dog and can't possibly leave the dog to see me on my birthday. Sadly this hasn't surprised me. But I can imagine the grief I'd get if I said the same to her on Her birthdayconfused.
I would give ANYTHING to have dad here again.
It's not getting easier its worse.
Will this gut wrenching ache in my heart for my dad ever go?

BabsAndTheRu Wed 24-Jul-13 22:37:21

It does get easier but it takes a while. I found the first year went by in a haze of grief and all the firsts are hard, first birthday without him, his and yours, christmas etc. I found the second year was when it hit me that he had actually gone, as if the reality of it all kicked in. Its such a sad time. Three years on it is better but you are always going to miss him, but you have all your memories and he would want you to be happy and carry on with life. I know this as this is what my dad told me to do a few days before he died, he knew he was dying. Sending lots of love to you and yours from everyone here at BabsAndTheRu. Take care.

kansasmum Wed 24-Jul-13 22:45:01

Thanks. I know he would hate me to be upset and he loved me so much.
It also hurts that it hasn't even occurred to my mum that I will find tomorrow difficult. It hasn't even crossed her mind cos she's too occupied with the neighbours dog.
It's not that my Dad was even that keen on birthdays but he would have been here having cake. He loved cake!! He was diabetic- mum refused to let him have cake etc but every birthday I could,I baked him the best, gooeyist chocolate cake I could manage and he loved it!!! He only had diabetes last 10 years so bit of cake wasn't going to hurt!!!
It would have been his birthday next week too.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 24-Jul-13 22:51:11

I found my mum could be like that at times, they are caught up in their own grief from losing their life partner, which of course is awful but they forget sometimes that their life partner was your dad. I remember all the people asking how mum was but I remember fondly the people who also asked how I was.

kansasmum Wed 24-Jul-13 23:05:18

Yes lots of people ask how mum is. She's doing ok. But she never asks how I feel or my kids or whether we are ok. It's not due to her grief she's not interested cos that would mean attention is not on her. I sound mean but that's how she is.
At least I know where I stand - somewhere between the neighbours dog and the postie probably!!

BabsAndTheRu Wed 24-Jul-13 23:14:04

You don't sound mean, you just know what to expect from your mum. I'm of to bed now, you try and get a goodnight sleep, I found that really hard to do at the beginning. Take care kansasmum.

everlong Fri 26-Jul-13 04:32:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

officelady Fri 26-Jul-13 05:41:58

I am sorry for your loss, 7 weeks is no time at all, you are still in the very early stages of grieving. How lovely of your friend to invite you over, hopefully you can share some happy memories with her and have a laugh and a cry.
I think the hardest thing for me after my mum died was accepting that nothing is ever going to be the same again. This has helped me a bit - just knowing that things like birthdays, christmas etc are never going to be how they used to be. It would have been mum's birthday today and I miss her more than ever. I can't say that the gut wrenching ache goes away, it just gets a little bit easier to live with as time goes on, but you will have ups and downs and feel like it's getting harder not easier sometimes.
Have you got any brothers or sisters that you can talk to about your mum's behaviour? If you're an only child it must make it a million times worse I'm sure.

Chippychop Fri 26-Jul-13 06:10:57

It's such an awful time,I'm so sorry for you. I spent the first 6 months not coping, the next 3 going a bit wild , partying etc if im honest..

all the time hurting and crying.After a year I met DH and its got easier ever since. But here I am 11 years on and I can cry about DF at the drop of a hat bit I can also smile too. Take care.

kansasmum Fri 26-Jul-13 21:35:12

Thank you - I'm doing better today. I visited his grave and left a rose from the bouquet dh sent me for my birthday.
I have an older sister who finds mum difficult too.

Mum is not easy and I understand she is grieving too but it's hard when we always have to support her and she can't even pick up the phone and ask how we are.
Tbh- I find going to the house hard- Dad died at home and going into the room he died in is impossible so I try and avoid going.

So many things I wish Dad was here to see and hear about. Life is very hard but Dad would want us to get on and live our lives so day at a time.

cloudskitchen Sat 27-Jul-13 07:51:38

Please please give yourself time. It's only been 7 weeks. That's no time at all. Other people who aren't going through it might expect you to bounce back and be normal in 7 weeks but thats no where near realistic. I lost my mum 7 years ago and it took along time to adjust to my new normal. I am a smiley person but I feel like I didn't smile at anyone for a year. I'm sure I did but it just seems that way looking back. Your mum may have used that flimsey excuse because she would find it difficult not because its your birthday but because she just doesn't feel up to it. in my opinion you should go if you feel up to it and try and have a nice birthday but try not to be offended by your mums choice. I also promise that you won't hurt this much forever but it does take time. be kind to youself thanks

allthingspossible Tue 30-Jul-13 20:12:39

Hello, I too lost my Dad recently (May) and sat by his bedside (hospital) for 3 days until he passed away. It is a profound experience isn't it? I read your original thread as I had just gone through the samesad.

These early weeks are incredible difficult, I too experience annoyance with my Mum ( they divorced when I was 7) her choice and we didn't have a great childhood by any stretch of the imagination. My Dad was the one who took us out to do the normal childhood things and talked to me as a person rather than an emotional outlet. He taught me things I will always treasure and I am so so sad that he is gone, albeit a release for him.

Somehow my mother stills makes everything about her, she is the one telling us all that she has been up to the grave and sorted flowers etc and how sad she is ...

It is hard not to let it rankle isn't it, but compassion is needed for everyone concerned. Think of you and yours, let each moment come as it wishes and try to let go of the annoyance at others. Harder, I'll warrant, but worth trying. View them as a child, I am finding it easier to bear that way. Hugs to you during this v difficult time x

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