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My Mum died - DP says I need to "get over it"

(37 Posts)
Flowersinthedirt Wed 24-Jul-13 17:38:39

Hi all,

My mum died in April, and since then the relationship with my DP has gone down the toilet. There are various reasons for this but one of the main ones is his complete lack of understanding or sympathy for my grief. In the days and weeks afterwards I was devastated but I got no support from him. Until I gradually learned to do my crying in private. Any whiff of my feeling sad gets a semi-tutting, eye-rolling treatment from him. Whole avenues of conversation are now verboten - such talking about clearing out my mum's old house with my dad and brothers - because his reaction is one of such dismissal.

He has said various things like I need to "get over it", "move on with life", "think positively", "look on the bright side". He thinks my reaction to my mum's death is "extreme". Because my mum could be "annoying" and we didn't always have the best relationship, he doesn't understand why I am so sad. He has zero empathy or imagination to put himself in my shoes. He is taking his cue from his parents who by all accounts were largely non-plussed by the death of their parents (his grandparents). They all lived to ripe old ages, and died in their sleep. My mum died of cancer before her time, on a ward, in the most unimaginably awful way.

So I'm left feeling abandoned and questioning myself. What is "normal"? How should I be reacting? I truly think that if anything I am suppressing the depths of agony I feel in order to put on a sunny disposition for him. I am feeling so angry at him for basically abandoning me at the worst time of my life.

Is this what usually happens with those who haven't been through this? Does anyone have any experiences that are similar with their partners, friends, or family just not understanding grief? Please share with me. He makes me feel like I am mad sad

Gruntfuttocks Wed 24-Jul-13 18:26:57

"abandoning me at the worst time of my life"
"makes me feel like I am mad"

What a horrible horrible man. He is showing you his true colours. Take note and gather your strength to get rid of him.

LalyRawr Wed 24-Jul-13 18:27:48

My parents died nearly 12 years ago. I'm still not 'over it'. I still get upset and angry and my OH would never dream of telling me to look on the bright side or any other crap your partner has said-& I met my OH 8 years after they died!

You grieve however you want and for however long you want.

The only thing you should be getting over is him- after you've kicked him out the door.

WyrdMother Wed 24-Jul-13 18:28:23

My dad died 32 years ago and if I smell oily cloth or hear the Dam Busters march, then I struggle not to cry, because these are things I associated with him and I still miss him, even though I might not think about him every day, or perhaps even every week.

Thankfully my husband gets this, because his farther died 30 years ago and there are some things that still upset him.

Of my three, middle aged friends who have lost parents in the last couple of years they are all still grieving to a greater or lesser degree, but perhaps only show it to their close friends and family.

There is no right or wrong way to feel, especially so soon, perhaps your partner needs to have a think about what "partner" means. OED defines it as "a person who takes part in an undertaking with another or others, especially in a business or firm with shared risks and profits:", if you put that in personal terms isn't "shared risks and profits" just "for better or for worse?"

LucyBabs Wed 24-Jul-13 20:33:27

Wow just wow You poor thing flowers

There is no time frame for grieving and your life has changed beyond recognition.

I lost my mum 8 months ago, the pain of losing her really hasn't changed that much, some days are easier than others.

You need someone just to lean on, someone to help you do the things you can't face doing alone.

My own dp can be so insensitive, he can't possibly understand the pain of losing a parent but he takes over with the dc house work etc when he sees I'm about to hit a wall. All I ask is that he supports me.

I really feel for you x

Chubfuddler Wed 24-Jul-13 20:36:18

Is this a bolt from the blue op? Had he never shown any sign of being such an unfeeling cunt previously?

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 24-Jul-13 20:37:47

He is the opposite of what you need right now op


lurkerspeaks Wed 24-Jul-13 21:55:51

My Mother died in January and I'm still a mess on certain days.

I'm so cross on your behalf. How dare he belittle your grief.
One day he will realise how truly shit it is.

Only you can decide what you want to do about it but I've certainly pulled back from friends and family who have been hopeless. I've been lucky lots of friends/ family have been great but some have been truly and utterly shit.

I loved one of my friends "Oh, I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything" comments which prefaced a long e.mail 4 months after the death about how marvellous her children were and someone within the family who emailed me about what a lovely wedding anniversary meal out she had just had on my Mum's birthday with ne'er a mention of the date. She couldn't have forgotten the significance of the date as it is her wedding anniversary and it was her private thing with my Mum.

This is the same person who told me not to be so negative when I said my sibs and I were taking my Dad out for a "fuck mother's day" hill walk. Given that it snowed we ended up doing something else... but I personally thought it wasn't a bad sentiment on what was a hideous day.

I'm not sure I want her back in my life.

Rainbowshine Fri 26-Jul-13 09:20:39

I am so sorry for your loss. My response comes from a slightly different perspective as my lovely FIL died seven months ago. DH is devastated, and sometimes it is hard to be watching a person you love deal with the grief. I sometimes want to say something to him but don't, as I am not sure it would help. He's sometimes interpreted my silence as not caring, so I had to explain that I just didn't know how to or when to broach the subject. He clearly needs to talk about it but isn't ready yet, and maybe I'm not the right person to listen. However, I would never dream of saying "get over it" - although I have to admit sometimes I feel such anger that my normally happy go lucky DH has changed and is so sad and I have to remind myself that I am angry at the situation, not at him and saying "I wish you weren't so down all the time" will not make him turn back into his previous self. I also would agree with the endorsement for Cruse even if it is just to have a read of their website. I hope my perspective may help you, although I have to say he sounds very insensitive - is he jealous that your focus isn't wholly on him?

oldham70 Fri 09-Aug-13 21:58:24

That is rubbish op. I had similar. (D) h asked me on the day of my mums funeral what had I watched to make me sad.
Tbh that was 2 years ago and I still can't get over it. Obv we have other issues too but that hurt so much.
Hope things improve for you.

ChippingInHopHopHop Fri 09-Aug-13 22:04:07

Oh love, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. April isn't very long ago at all. My Dad died a few years ago and I'm still often in bits over something and it was a long, long time before I stopped really crying every day, even now it's still 'more days than not'. 4 months is nothing... and yeah, my Dad could be bloody annoying too grin

I couldn't be with someone who acted like your DP - it would show him to be a person I didn't like.

When someone shows you who they are - pay attention.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum.

If your partner is offering no support, are you getting help from elsewhere? Friends? A counsellor?

Freesia2013 Fri 09-Aug-13 22:18:46

Sorry for your loss. My lovely mum passed away 6 months ago tomorrow. All I can say is that people don't know how to act, what to say, even some of my closest friends. (and sometimes when they want to talk about 'how I am' I just want to catch up on all the latest gossip and not open up to everyone who is trying to help) Take things at your own pace and if you need to talk but he's not quite there yet then do get in touch with someone here or otherwise who will happy to listen x x

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