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My mum died- why don't I feel anything?

(10 Posts)
BrigitBigKnickers Wed 05-Jun-13 12:06:38

Mum had been ill for a few years (had a rare condition- but was treatable)- in hospital for the last five weeks with lung/ breathing problems. But she had turned a corner, still frail but was due to come out at the weekend. She had visitors yesterday and they all said how much better she seemed- cheerful and looking forward to coming home.

The nurses took her to the bathroom at 4am and when they went back into take her blood pressure at 6 she was gone.

I just don't feel anything.
Why don't I feel anything?

Spent the last few hours with my sister and dad making phone calls- can't start sorting the arrangements until tomorrow when we can get the certificates. Just left dad as he wanted to be on his own for a few hours.

DH is away and on his way back. I haven't told the DDs (14 and 17) yet- they are both at school and the older one has her last AS exam this afternoon.

They were very close to their granny- how do I tell them? I wish DH was here.

vitaminC Wed 05-Jun-13 12:11:50

Because you're in shock and still numb!

It'll hit you eventually, but the current detachment is your brain's way of allowing you to cope with the immediate practicalities.

I'mvery sorry for your loss.
((un-MNy hugs to you))

BrigitBigKnickers Wed 05-Jun-13 12:14:12


ouryve Wed 05-Jun-13 12:20:26

I'm sorry for your loss sad

Two thoughts.

The first is that you've spent the last few weeks building up to this, so it's not such a shock. It's part of a process that you've been working your way through and a stage of the process that you've probably already braced yourself for.

The second is that you're in survival mode, at the moment. Getting things done. It's all a task and you're simply doing what you need to do to get through it in one piece.

I wouldn't worry about your reaction. We all react in different ways to loss.

Mintyy Wed 05-Jun-13 12:23:04

Oh you poor dear love, what an awful shock! I am so very sorry. When will dh be home? Have you got a rl friend or any silblings who can be with you?

ItsintheBag Wed 05-Jun-13 12:30:15

I am so sorry for your loss. I spent most of the first year after my dad doing "great".I knew he was dying so it shouldn't have been a shock,but it was.
Everyone deals with it differently,but I found the shock helped me cope in those early days doing all the sorting out.

Be kind to yourself.

DewDr0p Wed 05-Jun-13 12:37:54

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

It's very normal, this initial period of shock. It's partly that your brain is protecting you from the pain, I think. As the others said, it can really help you get through the early days.

I also think that everyone grieves differently and it's important to remember that however you feel is fine and allowed and OK.

Is there anyone who can be with you until your dh gets back?

mrs2cats Wed 05-Jun-13 12:38:00

I'm very sorry for your loss. As the others have said, you're probably in some kind of survival mode. You know there are things to be done and you're focused on doing that at the moment.

When my dad died many years ago, I felt like I wasn't feeling anything and worried about it. Part of me wondered whether it was a sense of relief as well as he'd been very ill for a few months prior to his death. The grief hit me much later. With hindsight I realised that at the time I was just thinking that I had to be strong for my mum. We needed to sort things out and she was a complete wreck.

We all deal with death differently. Don't be harsh on yourself. I hope DH can get to you soon.

BrigitBigKnickers Wed 05-Jun-13 12:38:26

DH has managed to get a flight and will be back around 7.30 this evening. I have to tell the DDs before then but really wanted him here.

My sister and I were with my dad this morning but as I said he needed to be on his own for a while. Going back later.

I am just sitting here stressing about work- (teacher) I had an annual review this morning (which one of my colleagues covered), a student teacher starting and a rehearsal with my school choir later who are taking part in an event next Tuesday. My orchestra are also playing and there is noone else who can play the piano with them as I do it by ear- it's not even written down- but I really don't know if I will be up to it.

I need to do something but I don't know what..

tinkerbellvspredator Wed 05-Jun-13 12:44:33

Sorry for your loss. As most have said it will probably hit you later...but if it doesn't don't beat yourself up about it. My mum's death was expected and could be described as a 'blessing' really but I have never gone through significant grief. I don't think I ever cried. I don't like to talk about emotional things and I suppose it could be described as bottling it up but I genuinely think I haven't got anything unresolved in that sense.

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