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How do I explain to dd? A little advice please

(6 Posts)
inneedofrain Sat 11-May-13 10:49:50

Hi All

My friend is dieing, she has fought luekemia for over 10 years and at christmas she asked for treatment to be stopped as it was making her so ill. Everyone has been amazed that she has managed to have such a good quality of life for the last few months with just palative care.

I have know my friend for over 20 years and she has been a big part of DD´s life. With DD caling her Aunty X.

DD is 5 and very very caring and empathetic she knows that Aunty X is going to die as Aunty X has been very very very poorly and Aunty X has had a wonderful long life. This seemed to help DD understand what she was feeling (had over heard people talking about Aunty X dieing and had not be able to understand / process her emotions). DD asked if Aunty X was going to live with faries, and asked her what she thought, DD said that Aunty would like living with the fairies as they have beautiful gardens (aunty loves her garden), and that when the tooth fairy comes she tell DD that aunty is with them.

But my friend has had a terrible week, thankfully she has gone for being very well and active (under the circumstances) we have been able to talk to her on the phone on only 8 days ago, to very very ill very fast. This is what my friend has always wanted she didn´t want to "hang" in there for months. I think she had bascially made the decision to stop fighting. She is refusing water and food etc, so the end will not be very long now.

Can someone please help me explain to DD? What language do I use for a 5 year old to understand that her friend and my friend is gone from sight, but that she will live on in our hearts?

We are not religious but I have a great faith. Whislt I have not been given beliefe in god I also know that the people we love never really leave us.

I have loads of photos of aunty X so I was going to give DD (ie aunty with DD in DD first christmas outfit) for her room, DD is currently obsesed with not forgetting people, so we have photos in her room for her of me, dp, etc.

I hope no one minds me asking, I don´t want to upset anyone and I know you have all lost so much more than I have but I am little out of my depth with talking to DD at 5 about this, and I want to make sure that she understands it ok to be upset but that Aunty X would want us to remember her and enjoy our lives just as she enjoyed hers.

onedev Sat 11-May-13 10:55:52

I don't have any advice, sorry, but wanted to offer my sympathies. I'm so sorry for what your friend is going through - it must be so hard having such a close friend go through this. Wishing you all the best.

inneedofrain Sat 11-May-13 11:02:30


Thank you, she has fought so hard for so long. She has had a great few years in between with two very good remissions and managed to live her life. Its just this time there is going to be no remission no recovery. She has had a fanatastic life, and is truely wonderful, funny lady. I am proud to have been able to call her my friend.

NotTreadingGrapes Sat 11-May-13 11:05:36

Bless you, I'm sure she is proud to call you her friend as well. smile

Children are phenomenally resilient and very very matter of fact around death. I would keep it short, sweet and factual and let dd add in her own thoughts IYSWIM?

I worried how to tell dd about her favourite Uncle and when I did she was "oh right".

Sending you love and strength. xx

LunaticFringe Sat 11-May-13 11:17:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

inneedofrain Sat 11-May-13 13:15:25

Thank you all for your advice and kindnesses

Your all very kind

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