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Help me decide - my wonderful Grandad

(23 Posts)
RuckAndRoll Mon 06-May-13 13:23:21

It's taken me a few days to post, I've been avoiding making a decision, any guidance on how to make this decision would ge great, if not just a hand to hold.

My wonderful Grandad passed away Thursday evening, he had my Gran with him but it was all too quick for the rest of the family to get there in time.

By the time we drove over on Friday, he had been moved from his bed to a funeral home. I now have to decide if I want to go and see him before the funeral this Friday. The rest of the family arrived during the night and saw him in his bed before he was moved.

My initial feeling was no I wouldn't be strong enough but DH wants me to be sure I won't regret it if I don't and has reassured me that it won't be easy but he'll be with me every step if I want to. I have the most wonderful memory of the last time I saw him at Easter sitting in the sunshine smiling and happy. I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant and he was so excited about it's arrival (my first DC but would have been his 2nd Great-Grandchild).

I hope this makes sense to someone. I'm totally devistated and struggling a lot at the moment.

GiveMumABreak Mon 06-May-13 15:09:16

Im so sorry or your loss flowers I lost my mum 2 years ago, it was very sudden, I couldn't get there in time (she lives in another country) I went to see her body - I needed closure I think to say goodbye - it was hard, but I'm glad I did. You won't regret going (but you may regret not going?) however, I think your initial 'gut reaction' is probably the one you will end up following. All the best wishing you and yours much strength during this difficult time.

LunaticFringe Mon 06-May-13 15:26:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LunaticFringe Mon 06-May-13 15:29:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chezchaos Mon 06-May-13 15:38:44

Sorry to hear of your loss.

I visited my Grandad after he died and it was absolutely fine, although I chose not to visit my Grandma. In both cases I mainly remember them before they got ill.

I visited my mum immediately after she died and it was hard, I do sometimes see her like that again.

It's a difficult decision but I honestly think that you should go with your gut reaction.

RuckAndRoll Mon 06-May-13 15:59:35

Thanks everyone. Lunatic that's the thing I'm finding at the moment, I'm getting on with life like normal and keep forgetting why I feel so sad.

I'm a really emotional person normally, not at all strong, and a worrier. I'm now worrying that if I do go it'll put too much stress on me and it'll be bad for the baby. But that if I don't I won't be able to move on and grieve properly, which will also be bad for the baby.

It's also the first death in the family I've ever had to deal with (apart from distant great aunts) at 28 years old I know I'm very lucky.

RuckAndRoll Mon 06-May-13 16:01:10

I'm going to sit and write a card to him tonight. I know he'll never read it but I think just writing it will help. I'll seal it and get the funeral directors to attach it to the flowers.

Mynewmoniker Mon 06-May-13 16:06:56

Why not ask for it to be put inside the coffin WITH Grandad? It sounds like the card may be too personal to put with the flowers that will go on public display. thanks

Purpleprickles Mon 06-May-13 16:12:27

Ruck I lost my Nan and Grandad within two weeks of each other in 2010 (although they were from opposite sides of the family not husband and wife) and like you theirs were the first deaths I'd luckily had to deal with in a very long time.

I went to see both of them. My Nan lived locally to me and I saw her very quickly after her death, she'd been embalmed and looked lovely, just like she was sleeping. My Grandad on the other hand lived hundreds of miles away so I only saw him on the funeral day, he also hasn't been embalmed. I hadn't even considered this and so it was quite a shock to see him. I guess if I had have known I'd may still have gone but having been I think when I inevitably loose my last surviving Nan (up North Grandad's wife) I might choose to remember her as she was on my last visit.

I think your card idea is lovely. I also wrote a birthday card for my Grandad as was buried a few days before his, which went into his coffin.

I hope my post doesn't upset you and I'm really sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to heal, I took ages as although they were my elderly grandparents they were also my friends xx

GiveMumABreak Mon 06-May-13 16:21:16

Ruck, I think a card is a lovely idea. I put a letter in my mums coffin with her with all the words I wish I could've said as a goodbye. I agree with Lunatic by the way, seeing her did not detract from or change the memories of her when she was vibrant and well. Give yourself time to heal, every day gets a tiny little bit easier.

RuckAndRoll Mon 06-May-13 16:34:08

I would want to check my Dad and Gran are happy with it going in the coffin first and they're both far too upset for me to risk asking them and upsetting them more.

I don't know if he's been emalmed Purple, it's a cremation on Friday so I would've thought not.

I almost broke down at work earlier, I was talking to my boss about having Friday off and I said it was sad that he never knew if we were having a boy or girl. Boss replied, oh but he does, he's watching over you both now and knows everything about baby. I suspect once I get home I will have a good cry again.

Thanks for reading, I struggle to articulate any of this to DH - who is wonderful, it's me struggling to say it without breaking down.

Mynewmoniker Mon 06-May-13 16:54:40

Don't hold back about pre-funeral requests. You might regret it. Everyone close is upset and shocked at this time but if there are 'elephants in the room' it prevents good communication.

Some people have to turn to counselling after the funeral as others don't talk about the deceased in case they upset others...which causes people to be upset/confused because no-one is mentioning their loved one. get my drift?

LunaticFringe Mon 06-May-13 17:30:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tungthai Mon 06-May-13 21:15:05

RuckandRoll, I'm so sorry for your loss. My Dad died on Friday and I haven't seen him, we have an appointment with the hospital to pick up his belongings tomorrow they couldn't fit us in any earlier.

I don't plan on seeing my Dad although I am feeling rather torn. My mil saw her mother less an hour after she last saw her alive and she wishes she hadn't. It is the memory that is stuck in her head and I don 't want the same memory for my Dad. But I'm not sure, I feel guilty for not seeing him, I don't really know what to do. The undertaker told me to go with my gut feeling and not to feel pressurised.

I love him so much. I just want him back alive.

RuckAndRoll Tue 07-May-13 12:50:57

tungthai I hope the appointment at the hospital went smoothly. We were lucky in that respect, the care home have locked his room and it'll stay that way until we're ready to go and clear it. It really is a horrible time.

I decided last night to not go and see him. My brother is a nurse and I asked him to be honest and explain what it would be like. My priority now is to look after this baby as best as possible and stressing and getting more upset isn't doing that. He's still gone, whether I go and see him or not.

Thank you all for your comments though.

I also wrote two letters. One short card to go on the flowers just saying we love you and miss you then another one that I suspect will never leave my flat. I've written it and will keep it in my memories box I think.

Mum called last night and explained the service to me, she also told me to make sure I do all my crying in advance so I don't upset my Dad. DH is really angry she said that to me.

RuckAndRoll Tue 07-May-13 12:52:58

oh and Luncatic We had already planned to use his name as a middle name for a boy so that stands, we're not sure how we can mark it in the girls name though.

If you've managed to read my ramblings this far, thank you.

Mynewmoniker Tue 07-May-13 19:16:21

Aw ruckAndRoll your mum's request to you made me smile. Did you ask her for the use of her magic wand that would make this possible?

It never ceases to amaze me how people can order others to grieve in a certain expected way for the convenience of others. hmm

RuckAndRoll Wed 08-May-13 13:21:12

Mynew I did comment I couldn't promise anything and random little things set me off. At the moment even talking about Friday is really hard. I've been trying to sort an outfit but the bump is making it hard and I really want to make an effort for him.

DH picked up the newspaper with the announcement in it yesterday. It's sat on the table but I couldn't bring myself to open the paper and actually read it.

Mynewmoniker Wed 08-May-13 16:09:29

Do it in your own time Ruck thanks I left the cards for my MIL unread until I took them down to store. I felt I could take the messages in better then.

We bikkered a bit pre-funeral as we all wanted to get it right for us and after the funeral we relaxed a bit and got on better. I wonder if it'll be the same for you?

I bet Grandad wouldn't mind what you wore as long as you turned up.

CPtart Wed 08-May-13 16:32:02

When my DF passed away I did see him in the hospital bed briefly when he was no longer with us, but said my goodbyes there. I felt no need to see him again at the funeral home. This was almost fifteen years ago and I have no regrets.
I also wrote a letter, and put it in his coffin.

It's a hard time x

mrssmooth Wed 08-May-13 16:42:50

Oh Ruck sorry for your loss sad My Granny died 18 months or so ago and it's my one regret that I didn't get a chance to go and see her .. lots of the family were with her when she passed, but myself and one of my sisters live too far away for us to have been there. Her funeral was a week after she died, so we didn't get up there until a day before the funeral, and by that time the undertakers had closed the coffin. Everyone told me how lovely she looked - I guess they were just trying to help make me feel better, but I did (and still do) feel "robbed" of seeing her one last time. Good luck with whatever you decide, sending you hugs and strength x

Purpleprickles Wed 08-May-13 22:12:54

Oh Ruck I don't think anyone has the right to tell you not to cry at a funeral even your DM. I'm not sure how you are supposed to manage that? Good luck for Friday. I'll be thinking of you.

Ruck thinking of you and appreciate how you must be feeling right now.
I lost my wonderful grandad on Sunday evening.
They live two hours drive away and me my sister and brother and mum have been going backward and forwards the last few weeks
I saw him on Tuesday and Friday and said my goodbyes and told how much I loved him, I am currently 37 weeks and I was gutted I wasn't there in Sunday Evening, ( my mum, nan, sister and brother were by his side) but I just couldn't get there again...
I am now stressing so much that I'm going to miss the funeral
Despite everyone saying I shouldn't be getting upset right now.
My dad never allowed my to see my other grandad years ago as he wanted me to remember him well.
Take one day at a time and go with your gut instinct. Sounds like you have wonderful support around you too.
Thinking of you at this sad and difficult time.

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