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24 years today....

(35 Posts)
Sleepingbunnies Thu 02-May-13 21:35:44

My world changed forever... I was 4 years old, and was told my mummy wasn't coming home again. She had died.

My brother was 5, my sister was 18months.

I dont usually think about it because it doesn't change anything so I keep it locked up, but this morning when my 4 year old daughter came bounding into my bedroom I just wanted to sob.

I know how much she needs me and the thought of what she would go through if I left her was so tangible to me this morning. Even worse that her 18 month old sister had a stay in A&E on Tuesday night...

I have a wonderful stepmum but I want to say 'I miss my mummy' I love her. I want her back. I want er to meet her grandchildren. I want her to tell me that she is proud of me and I want a hug. I want to know what she smells like. What she looks like. Not from a photo. From memory. I miss my mummy sad

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Thu 09-May-13 09:57:54

I am so glad the book is being passed on. Read it in dribs and drabs when you feel strong enough, it really has lots of helpful bits in it.


ssd Wed 08-May-13 22:41:59

will post the book off on Friday, xx

the book was very kindly sent to me by BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack , just after my own mum died, just when I needed to know I wasnt so alone with my thoughts

I know the book helped me, and in the spirit it was given to me, I hope it helps you, sleepingbunnies

"funny" how we are all drawn to threads like this, in the hope of sharing something with each other and giving comfort to each other

its just so sad, living with the loss of our mums xxx

Sleepingbunnies Wed 08-May-13 21:13:00

Am more together now. Normal life has resumed and eveything is normal again. Can't help thinking 'til the next time' but my very low moments happen so rarely.

I think i'v just learnt to lock it up, I just cannot deal with it for any great length of time. So for now it's all locked away again.

A very kind munsnetter is sending me the book you mention whoateallthecheese so I will read that.

Thank you for all your replies... Life isn't fair but tis life and there's nothing we can do sad

Little things seem to be getting to me more than they ever did before, like my 4 year old asking for 'a mummy cuddle'... I wonder what I called it? Anyway, I must switch off otherwise I could talk all day...!

Whoateallthecheese Tue 07-May-13 13:29:11

Have you read Motherless Mothers: Legacy of Loss by Hope Edelman? You may find it helpful. It talks about the massive impact losing your mother has on so many aspects of your life. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Counselling may also help, you could try CRUSE. x

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Tue 07-May-13 13:07:33

Oh darling sad

How are you feeling today?

Sleepingbunnies Sun 05-May-13 22:54:50

^^ yes to this... I am finding myself wondering what the days following her death were like. Did I walk around trying to find her? Did I aak after her. Did I cry much? How did I feel? I can't remember.

I miss her. sad

Ploom Sun 05-May-13 22:54:27

Aw sleepingbunnies I'm so sorry that you are feeling so sad - I think it sounds like you've had a lot on your plate & then this moment just brought it all to the surface.

My mother died just before the Christmas after I was 9. I hadnt consciously thought about it when dd was that age until she was practising her Christmas carols on the piano and it suddenly came to me that maybe I had been doing similar with my mother & then the next day she died. I was inconsolable for hours and had a heartache for weeks after. Its just the thought of your own dc being so little and thats how little when you were left motherless. I read a book called "Motherless mothers" and it states its quite a common monent for women like us to be upset.

Sending you un-MNetty hugs <<<>>>. keep talking on here - it'll probably help.

ExcuseTypos Sun 05-May-13 22:52:24

Sleeping I'm so sorrysad

I think it's because your dd is the age you were when your mum died, which has hit you very hard.

My mum walked out on me, brother and my dad when I was 3. I thought I wasn't affected but when my own dd turned 3, I did get very,very down.

It made me think about me as a little girl and how I didn't have a mummy.

Tbh I wished I'd gone for counselling as I still haven't come to terms with why she left, and I'm now 47.
I think losing your mum, in whatever way, when you're a little girl, has a huge effect on a child. See how you go and if you're still feeling low in a couple of weeks please go and see our dr about counselling.

Sleepingbunnies Sun 05-May-13 22:41:34

married I am feeling lost sad

I'm sure it will pass... We had a family party last night, my mums sisters 50th... A very big mum shaped hole sad

My DDs aren't well so I think it's all just come at once...

marriednotdead Sun 05-May-13 22:37:16

Hi SB, I'm so sad for your loss. You sound so desolate sad
The time that has passed has no relevance, and other wise posters can also see that it is the child inside you that is grieving, as well as the mother that you are now.

You may feel a little less fragile as the next couple of days go by, I certainly hope so. However, if you don't, please go to your GP and see if you can get referred for some counselling to help you to work through your grief. It seems to be quite common for certain similar events to be triggering, or even in my case just to be happy enough for my mind to feel ready to unravel stuff that had been deeply buried.

We can never guarantee tomorrow, but chances are that you will be around for your DCs for far longer than your unfortunate mum thanks

Sleepingbunnies Sun 05-May-13 22:22:02

Wow. I'v just sat for an hour looking at my 4yr old and am feeling sadder then ever.

I think the floodgates were opened on Thursday sad

Sleepingbunnies Fri 03-May-13 08:00:29

I fell asleep last night but read your replies this morning. Feeling a little brighter today, thank you for all your replies thanks

carriedawayannie Thu 02-May-13 22:51:22

Posted too soon

don't think that you can't give yourself time to grieve because you lost your mum a long time ago. I agree that your dd being 4yo is a trigger and giving yourself a little time to allow yourself feel those feelings may help

carriedawayannie Thu 02-May-13 22:48:56

I know exactly what you mean Thornrose. But allowing yourself the time to let go may help.

Easier said than done I know. You don't want to risk falling apart. Just be kind to youself and don't think that because y

thornrose Thu 02-May-13 22:33:08

Posted too soon..
But it can help you get your feelings out, maybe consider a bereavement counsellor?

Sleepingbunnies Thu 02-May-13 22:31:15

carriedaway I have to function normally, I don't think falling apart is an option, therefore it has to only come out sometimes sad

thornrose Thu 02-May-13 22:31:00

It won't change anything, you're right, and it won't take away your pain sad

carriedawayannie Thu 02-May-13 22:29:04

It does change something. It helps you deal with it.

I found that getting it out instead of storing it up really did help.


Sleepingbunnies Thu 02-May-13 22:25:39

weegie that's awful. So sorry you had to go through that x

onedev Thu 02-May-13 22:25:21

I cried reading your Op as your sadness & how much you miss your mummy really comes through.

You were so little & I'm so sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself - you are entitled to be self indulgent.

You sound like a fab mum & no doubt the age of your own DC has made it all the more poignant.

Sending you hugs & wishing you all the very best.

Weegiemum Thu 02-May-13 22:24:08

Oh bunnies, I feel for you.

When I was 12, my mum walked out on us all the day after Mother's Day.

Last year I had to go through it (mothers day) with my 12yo dd1. Was awful, but I did it.

There are always going to be anniversaries and things, times, that are hard.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum.

Sleepingbunnies Thu 02-May-13 22:21:38

I used to write to her, the letters don't make for pleasant reading sad

I can speak to my aunt and sister, but what to say? What's the point? It changes nothing sad

I don't even know what I want to say!

thornrose Thu 02-May-13 22:18:54

I wonder if you should maybe try to look at the advice given to a grieving young child rather than an adult if that makes sense.

How would you feel about writing your feelings down in a letter and sending it off on a balloon or one of those sky lanterns? Really acknowledging how you felt as a child.

Do you get to talk about your mum to people that knew her?

Sleepingbunnies Thu 02-May-13 22:06:02

Bit of floodgates now they've been opened, can't quite seem to shut it off sad

I keep feeling the need to say I miss my mummy.

Maybe I don't say it enough sad

LittleDirewolfBitJoffrey Thu 02-May-13 22:03:07

I have nothing helpful to say except that I'm really sad for you. I'm sorry your mum died when you were so small. It's so unfair.

Be as self indulgent as you want; don't worry about crying not solving anything. Just cry if you feel sad and don't worry about questioning it.

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