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Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

(973 Posts)
mummylin2495 Thu 02-May-13 10:46:10

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

Portofino Sat 08-Jun-13 20:48:23

My mum died June 18th 1973. So nearly 40 years ago. Weeks ahead of her 22nd birthday. I struggle to get my head round this at all. I don't even remember her. I remember going to the hospital. She was at the royal Marsden for quite a while. My dad struggled to afford the train fare to visit.

SirChenjin Sat 08-Jun-13 21:46:24

Hello again everyone - I'm looking for a bit of guidance regarding Mum's ashes. She had always said that she wanted her ashes scattered on one of the Scottish islands she went to as a child, and then latterly where Mum, Dad, Dsis and I went on holiday as a family.

On the anniversary of her death in Feb, Dad went over to the island and scattered some of the ashes, and then last week we met up there again with Dsis and her family - it was a big event, they'd travelled some distance, and Dad gave us each some ashes to scatter. Dsis built a lovely little stone circle around a tree overlooking her favourite bay and scattered them within the circle, all decorated with flowers. It was beautiful. When Dad gave me my ashes, all I could think of was "I want to take her home" - so I did, stupidly. Now they are sitting upstairs in my wardrobe (albeit in my special momento box), in the dark, and I feel so frustrated with myself. She's gone, she's not coming back, and having some ashes in a glass jar isn't going to change that. I should have honoured her wishes, and now she isn't 'together' on the island, if that makes sense?

I need to go back there and scatter them, don't I? Otherwise, what do I do with them that's special? sad

mummylin2495 Sat 08-Jun-13 22:12:38

sirchen I have both my grandparents ashes in my garden, they are surrounded by flowers and little memorial stone. Maybe you could do something like this. And in my front garden in memory of my mum I have a beautiful rosé which has the same name as my mum, but I don't have her ashes as they were interred. It's how you feel really. If you want to keep your mum close to you, then keep them for now until you decide. There is no time limit on these things. My brother inlaw kept his wife's ashes for 3 years until he was ready to let go of them.
portofino that is so sad that your mum died so young. My sister died at 26 and she left a little two year old as well. It's so unfair that young people don't have a decent chance at having a life thanks

mummylin2495 Sat 08-Jun-13 22:16:16

portofino like you my niece has no memory of my sister at all, which is very sad. She actually is my sisters double. She would of been so proud to see how her dd has grown into such a lovely adult and now married as well. She only knows her by what we have all told her and the many photos we all have. My sister was also expecting her second baby, I would love to know if it was a little boy or girl.

t875 Sat 08-Jun-13 23:59:17

Oh sorry to hear about the trowel mummylin, i would feel the same as you, wish i could just fix it for you, ill send you a big hug though!!

Im sorry ive not been around, it has been absolutely manic I have been working loads and had so many birthdays and my dd is next week so been sorting out presents for her and parties etc.

My thoughts are with you all on the thread and sending big hugs to you all. xx

SirChenjin Sun 09-Jun-13 11:36:40

Thanks Mummylin - I think you're right, there's no real need to do anything with them right now. There will be plenty of occasions in the future to go back to the island, if that's what I decide.

I'm so sorry to hear about your trowel, I can imagine how difficult that was for you sad

mummylin2495 Sun 09-Jun-13 20:34:17

It's crazy I got so upset over such a silly thing, but I was. I felt very hurt that he could treat something of my mums like that, maybe I am too touchy over her things, but it's one of my links to her.Didnt speak to him much after that for a few hours but ok today!
Yes just take our time , you will know when the time is right to do something with your mums ashes.i wish in a way that I had my mums, I would of put them in my garden too, especially as she loved sitting in it and watching the birds etc, but she left her instructions to have them put up the crem next to my younger sister. One day I will be with her and so will dh as we have the plot for the three of us.

SirChenjin Sun 09-Jun-13 20:37:14

It's not silly at all - it's a connection to your mum. DD had to take one of my mum's tupperware containers to school for some dish she was cooking in Home Ec. I warned her (I mean, really warned her) not to lose it and then spend the day fretting about it - poor DD!

That sounds nice - all being together one day smile

mummylin2495 Sun 09-Jun-13 20:46:33

Not just yet I hope ! Originally it was for 3 burials , but for some reason mum changed her mind and wanted to be cremated. But she still wanted to go in our plot, because my sister is next door. Mum had to go down a long way to enable enough space between us all. They had to dig a whole coffin size hole even though her ashes were in a little casket. It was horrible and I could not look down. My dh purchased the plot when my sister died as in the cemetery it's done on a rota . Next person to die goes in next space unless its already purchased. So because I was so distraught when my sis died dh went and paid for the plot . I hated the thought of a stranger being next other.
I understand about the Tupperware box, it's the same as my trowel !!! Every little thing I have of mums is like. Treasure to me, even her potato peeler ( which I can't even use cause I prefer my little knife )

ssd Sun 09-Jun-13 21:35:40

oh I understand about the trowel! I've got so many of mums things here too...and I need to keep a packet of her favourite sweets and her drink in my fridge, its something to have to feel closer to her. My house is full of her things! I can understand your anger at dh, mummylin, why would he not know the significance for you sad. But men can be a different breed cant they! Although its not just men, my sister told me "nothing in mums flat means anything to me" when I asked her how we'd clear it out. She had/still has absolutely no idea how much every little thing meant to me, even mums newspaper and pen and notebook she wrote with. As long as I live I'll never forget that.

Sir, I agree with everyone here, keep your mums ashes until you decide what you want to do with them, you'll know when your ready.

hi to everyone else xx

mummylin2495 Sun 09-Jun-13 22:16:32

Hi ssd you are the same as me in that I have kept all sorts of things. Little scraps of paper she had written on and things like that and I still have boxes of things I could not bear to throw away. And I never will. My brother was quite ruthless in things like that, but he loved mum so much , he is the baby boy of the family and just has to get n and do things , so he just threw lots out, but if he thought I would want it he would give it to me to put in one of my boxes !! I have about 12 big plastic crates of stuff !

ssd Sun 09-Jun-13 22:35:10

I'll never throw my stuff out either mummylin x

morethanpotatoprints Sun 09-Jun-13 22:47:26

Its almost 6 years since my mum died and over 5 that dad died.
I miss them both so much and know they would have been so proud of our dc.
I kept half of the belongings and my sister, the over half. I have a few things now, kept for sentimental value. Over the past few years it has helped me to sort through their things, find good homes or in some cases dispose of.
I'm not sure if others are the same, but I gained much comfort from this as it helped me to say goodbye.
I guess, if like me you find yourselves doing this then it is fine, understandable and you shouldn't feel bad.
Sending you all hugs at this difficult time, it does get easier with time. thanks

SirChenjin Sun 09-Jun-13 22:47:48

Mum was a smoker (a very light one, granted, 2/3 a day, but still, her cancer was linked to smoking sad) and when she came to stay she always went outside for a 'coffee', which involved standing down the side of the house, beside the wheelie bins, puffing away and drinking her coffee - her favourite time of the day. I can still see her there now whenever I'm out putting something in the bin. DH jokes that we should scatter her ashes there - I'm sure she would find it hilarious, but oh, I just couldn't! grin

mummylin2495 Sun 09-Jun-13 23:02:13

I can see what your dh is saying but I realise he is only joking ! When my fil died dh didn't waste any tears on him and he said he would put string on his arms and legs like Bernie from the film and walk him off the pier ! You will find something suitable, but what you cold too remember her coffee and fag place is put a plant there. You could then look at that and think of your mum.
morethan it seems you lost both parents quite closely together, that must of been awful for you. I'm sure one day I will get round to sorting stuff but I bet i still end up with only two boxes less !!!!

SirChenjin Mon 10-Jun-13 11:17:37

Love the Bernie analogy! And yes, that's a great idea re the plant, thank you smile

mummylin2495 Mon 10-Jun-13 14:00:54

Yes it did sound funny when dh said it ! Would have to of plated some music I think to help him move ! He was not a nice person I'm afraid.

ssd Wed 12-Jun-13 08:24:48

hi girls

I cant wait for my appt with cruse, it cant come soon enough.I really need to discuss this with someone who just gets it and doesn't say daft stuff. I don't want to sound mean but I spoke to someone at the weekend, she is older than me but still has her mum, who is fit and healthy and helps her out every day. I was trying to explain how I feel and she was saying "you must get over this and stop living in the past", and other things which just made me feel more alone. I know she just hadn't got a clue what its like. She kept saying "at least you have siblings that'll always be there for you" and I was like yeahhhh. Its so frustrating to not know anyone here who's in the same boat of losing both your mum and dad, I've found its a totally different experience losing the second parent as there's just no one there now, its all gone. This girl was trying to help me but she was speaking from the experience of never having gone through what I have.

I dont know if my first interview with cruse is to establish what help they can give me, they said its a triage system, and they will decide what sort of help I need. I find that a bit daunting, I only want to speak to someone, not be interviewed. I might phone their generic phone line t875 told me about, I just need to chat to some one who doesnt say "oh but your mum was old she had a good life she wouldnt want you to be sad". God I hope they dont say that.

StinkyElfCheese Wed 12-Jun-13 11:37:09

Hello all - me again sad

I have posted before about my dad steaming full throttle into a new relationship after mum died (last may) his partner moved in moved in December and being shocked how much he has changed. She has convinced him to break ties with all mums family and friends

I think know he has chosen her over us (me sis and brother) he has just gone on holiday with her and has changed all the locks to his home. this is slightly me complicate as our brother has server ld and is in residential care he comes home every other weekend he was due home last weekend but as dad was going away sis had him brother wanted something from home but when we popped in to collect it we found all the locks changed - this upset him hugely and we had to take him back to his care home upset dad hadn't even told him he was going away but made up elaberet lies about why he couldn't have him home.

Dad has had his phone swiched off for the last few days and has left a message for me saying he dosnt think sis is talking to him... blah blah he is the victim blah blah oh and the keys snapped off in the lock so they had to change them.

I have made an appointment to go to his house at the weekend when they are home to collect all the kids toys from his garden and our bits and pieces from the shed - after that I don't think I can go there anymore - she has redecorated or planning to do the entire house to eradicate all memory of my mum - including my brothers room that was the last straw for me ... his room dosnt need doing he stays 2 nights a month and HATES any form of change... its bad enough he has to stay there with this woman. but she is trying to turn my brothers bedroom into another 'spare room'

I know he is an adult and has made his own choices - and I hate him for what he has said to mums old friends (were his friends too) he is just not my daddy anymore , he is just this parrinoid man who phones o complain about my sister/brothers behaviour has no real interest in me and my family
- I am just so heartbroken

mummylin2495 Wed 12-Jun-13 14:43:56

Hi ssd I too hope they don't day that's its ok because mum was old ! It makes no difference at all to the grief that we feel.when is your apt ? Give it a go and if you don't like it you don't have to go again.
stinkyelf I quite understand your upset. You feel like you have lost your dad as well as your mum too.
Does this woman have any family of her own ?
How horrible for your brother to have his room changed, when it as he knows and likes it.
Think maybe a frank discussion may be the way forward here ( without woman ) . Could you and your sister arrange to face your dad together and tell him of your worries, but also tell him how upset you are about certain things. Let dad know that things are not ok. Best get it out in the open or things tend to fester and get worse.
At least even if things don't improve you will of tried.

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 13-Jun-13 21:07:08

sorry I've not been back, been finding things hard. how are you all? x

mummylin2495 Thu 13-Jun-13 21:14:12

Sorry you have been struggling snowflakes, it all comes back and bites you on the bum dosent it. All we can do is just take things day by day. We have just had a friend round whose mum died a year ago this month, he was so matter of fact about it and just says "well she was old " I don't feel like that at all. You would think particularly for me I would be better than I am now it's 18 months on. But I'm not. I just can't see how I can ever be "normal" again. The longer it is the more I think that it's longer since I've seen her and miss her as much as I did in the beginning.
It's not so long for you and it's to be expected.
Death is awful isn't it. We all accept birth but not death even though its the natural progression of mankind.
It bloody hurts and I wish it would go away for all of us who are grieving. Xx

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 13-Jun-13 21:28:23

am so sick of people oh she out of pain now. she may well be and god I hope theres something I really do but she was 45 sad. selfish as I may be I wasn't ready for her to go and I'm damn sure she wasn't either. it does suck your right nobody understands how totally alone you feel sometimes x

mummylin2495 Fri 14-Jun-13 00:03:35

That is such a young age to die. It seems so unfair when evil bastards are still walking this earth. I can understand your anger . Your not being selfish at all. It's heartbreaking for you and I'm sure your mum s a terrible loss to you. You are right, your mum still ad such a lot of years she should of lived thanks

likesnowflakesinanocean Fri 14-Jun-13 07:13:04

thanks mummylin you always know just the right thing to say. how are you today?

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