A little hand holding please...(511 Posts)
My gorgeous husband kissed ds1, aged 5, ds2, aged 3, and I, tonight, told us each that he loved us and went to play football, as he has every Thursday for the last 10 years.
38 minutes later, I had a call from his mate to say that he was having some kind of fit. By the time I arrived at the pitch, he was receiving cpr. Eventually we agreed they should stop at the hospital. He was 39 years old and the best daddy and husband one could hope for.
I'm lying here, wide awake, totally numb, and trying to think how to tell our beautiful boys that their super daddy didn't make it home.
I don't know when I'll be back on here., as I'm supposed to be trying to sleep, but just needed to say the words above.
Thank you all. I'm sorry for the lack of posts. I have: celebrated my birthday (and it went very well); built ds1 a cabin bed (and swapped a load of other furniture around upstairs so that ds2 also has a new bed); been through occupational health which was pretty hardcore, and which has worn me out this week.
I have continued the counselling which I think is helping and have managed to erect and decorate a real Christmas tree with only the boys as assistants! (That was really hard, especially ironing in front of it on my own afterwards). Tonight, I have written the rest of 90 Christmas cards, printed out my letter that I wanted to include in place of personal messages, and done all the envelopes.
I have been asked to become a Foundation Governor for the boys' school and today I have received the most amazingly generous gifts from a MN Secret Santa, which has made me feel very humble.
I have attended several more hospital appointments with the boys and have discovered that ds2's previous sleep study results (from 2 years ago) were originally misinterpreted. He has several indicators that are 'borderline significant' and will be having another sleep study in a few months time. I am very relieved that someone finally believes me, but was very overwhelmed by the fact that if I had followed their advice originally to turn off his mattress monitor, then there's a chance he might not still be here now. I also wished that dh could have been here to hear this news with me as it was a journey that we took together.
The boys have been very angry with each other in the last couple of weeks, but I feel this is more 'normal' than fighting me. We have spent time together decorating stars and baubles ready for a lantern walk with Guy's Gift, our local children's bereavement charity that has been supporting the boys. I have also joined The WAY Foundation (Widowed and Young) and I feel a huge sense of relief that I have found a group of people who are going through similar things. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it is always nice not to feel alone. It is also nice to hear from people on there who are several years ahead of me.
I think I need to try and calm down a bit now as I'm not sure this level of activity is sustainable and I don't want to be ill for Christmas. I have booked a massage for the day that the boys go back to school in January (a present from my brother for my birthday) and I will look forward to it through the busy Christmas period.
Love to you all at this busy time.
Glad that the counselling seems to be helping. Thinking of you in this period which must be very hard on you. I wish there was more we could do to help. You are so brave! keep going one little step at the time <hugs>
Just to let you know that I'm thinking of you more than ever at this time of year. Hope you're as OK as it's possible to be, Survival, and that you manage a laugh and a smile on occasion with your lovely boys over the holidays.Xxx
Thank you for continuing to think of my boys and I. I am on such a rollercoaster of emotion right now. Friday night saw me sobbing properly for the first time in a while, and yet the rest of the weekend has gone well. Watching Sports Personality tonight without dh has been poignant. I recall crying the day Andy Murray won Wimbledon, not so much because he'd won, but because dh would have loved to have seen it happen. It all seems like a lifetime ago, and yet the night dh died seems like yesterday.
Today we have been on the lantern walk with other bereaved families and I met a lady in a very similar situation to my own. The boys enjoyed lightsaber fights with the glow sticks and ds2 jumped in some massive puddles, soaking us both!
I had a scare this week when my mobile phone appeared to break. I shook at the prospect of losing the 1945 messages to and from dh (from a two year period) that are on it, but luckily they are still there. I need to find out how to preserve them.
I'm pretty much ready for Christmas now, at least, as ready as I'm ever going to be. Sometimes I feel very detached and at other times the boys' excitement is so infectious that I feel a bit of it too.
The last week has been hugely affected by lack of sleep. Ds1 has been coughing most nights and is also having bad dreams. Last night I finally got to catch up a bit and it made a huge difference.
This week, I must brave the nativity and a speech at the end from the Headteacher about the charity that we are fundraising for (who are researching dh's condition). I am learning that I will be fine, but that my energy levels will be zapped after.
Hope all your preparations are going well.
Holding hands for all the school shows, nativities and speeches. I have been a mess during those for the last 4 years and I don't even have half of your reasons to feel like that.
Hope you had one more good night sleep last night.
Oh Survival, you are doing so well. And at this time of year it must be so very hard. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must all be. So sorry you're battling so hard and feeling so exhausted.
Thinking of you with much love. X xx
Hope Christmas went well for you, wishing you and the boys all the best in 2014 xx
Survival I hope you and your boys had some happy times at Christmas and that 2014 brings you some joy and comfort.
Thank you all. Will come back and update tomorrow night.
Christmas has gone surprisingly smoothly. The boys have been well and truly spoilt by everyone we know and we still have more Lego to build in the coming weeks. I said to several friends before Christmas that all I really wanted was some good weather so that I could get the boys outside each day for a run around. Of course, this has definitely not been possible, but they have coped pretty well with being cooped up, due to the new toys.
The boys and I have spent a lot of time just the three of us and I have been more grumpy at times than I would have liked, but I guess I can only do my best. Ds1 has said he will miss me tomorrow when school starts, so I guess it can't have been that bad!
There have been some low moments, obviously, when I have felt detached and like I am very much going through the motions. I was very hurt by one particular Christmas present and that knocked me more than it would normally have done. I guess it brought home the fact that there is no-one to put me first anymore. Life is no longer something that I relish in the way that I did, and I no longer look forward to the future with anticipation. I hope over time this will change. At one point, my 3 year old managed to write 'Daddy' on the shopping list. My 5 year old pondered the fact that a new daddy wouldn't look like dh so wouldn't be the same. He also asked me to take him to a wishing well for his birthday, after watching a pantomime. Explaining that no wishing well could bring Daddy back was really hard.
The night before Christmas Eve saw water pouring through the top of both lower front windows. After using 6 towels to mop up, I headed out into the rain with the hammer, nails, bin bags and a head torch to make some temporary fixes to see us through the night. A fab friend came to my rescue the following morning. Dh and I would have dealt with such a problem together and I imagined him giggling at me and urging me on.
Three nights later, the recycling was blowing around outside. I opened the window to alert a neighbour to a box that was flying through the air towards some windows, only for the loft hatch lid to fly up into the loft from the wind. As the ladder was tucked away in ds2's cupboard, I had to use a stool and climb up into the loft to retrieve it. Not something I wanted to do over the stairwell and after midnight, but no other choice really.
The amazing gifts that we received from our MN secret Santas made a huge difference to our Christmas, and even accounted for some of my favourite presents. I have really appreciated the support I have received on this thread since April 25th and the secret Santas showed again the good side of MN.
So, 2014.. I wonder what it will hold? We had our first two hospital appointments of the year today and have booked the first procedure for ds2. I heard in the week before Christmas that he has abnormal structures in his kidneys, but I won't know more until 7th February. Trying not to worry about it! His sleep apnoea monitor has been going off a lot over Christmas as he has had a cold. I think he will be keeping me busy! It will also be the year that he starts school. By the end of the year, I will either be back at work or doing something different. I have booked on the AGM of WAY (Widowed and Young Foundation) so that I can meet some other people in my situation. In addition, I will be going to a support day for partners of people who have died young from heart conditions. I plan to arrange an event to mark dh's 40th birthday in March too. By then, both boys will have had their birthdays.
Time for bed now, in an attempt to stick to my new year's resolution to go to bed at a reasonable hour! Thanks again for reading and for supporting me.
Special thoughts to you Survival and your brave boys. Just put downloading your messages on your 'to do' list as a priority: my DDIL thought she had lost her phone recently - it held very very precious photos of our darling DGS - she and my DDS had had to make the hardest and most loving decision any parents have to make in January 2012 - I do not know how she would have coped if they had been lost
So sorry to hear about your DGS allotmenteer. Messages sorting will be a priority. Thank you.
Hoping that 2014 can bring some calm to you and more and helpful information about your boys' health. Those household crises must be hard to deal with on your own. Good to not be rushing back to work.
Sorry I haven't posted in a while, Survival. You are an amazing woman, and I hope that 2014 brings more glimmers of light for a future you can bear to contemplate.
Lots of love to you and the boys, and good luck for the medical appointments.
A friend of mine found a new life with the WAY Foundation - I hope it helps you as it did her.
Thank you all. Will update tomorrow night.
Another one who often wonders how you are? Hope your lovely boys are ok.
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