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A little hand holding please...

(511 Posts)
SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Fri 26-Apr-13 03:48:37

My gorgeous husband kissed ds1, aged 5, ds2, aged 3, and I, tonight, told us each that he loved us and went to play football, as he has every Thursday for the last 10 years.

38 minutes later, I had a call from his mate to say that he was having some kind of fit. By the time I arrived at the pitch, he was receiving cpr. Eventually we agreed they should stop at the hospital. He was 39 years old and the best daddy and husband one could hope for.

I'm lying here, wide awake, totally numb, and trying to think how to tell our beautiful boys that their super daddy didn't make it home.

I don't know when I'll be back on here., as I'm supposed to be trying to sleep, but just needed to say the words above.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Fri 13-Sep-13 23:50:03

So much has happened in the last ten days!

The boys have found going back to school and pre-school quite hard. Ds2's behaviour towards me has deteriorated significantly and he spent most of last weekend running at me to punch me and saying all sorts of really horrid things. I fully understand why, but it has been hard to take and physically exhausting. Ds1 has been worried by it all.

On the second day of term, I had my lower wisdom tooth removed under local anaesthetic at the hospital after 6 years of ongoing problems. It was fine on the day but it became infected and then turned into a dry socket. In addition, I was clenching my jaw and ended up with very tight muscles which were giving me pain from my chin to the top of my head. Finally, yesterday, I felt human for the first time in over a week. Looking after two children through all of this has been exceedingly difficult. I ended up crying on the playground on Tuesday which wasn't my finest hour!

I had collected dh's ashes that day to take on holiday with us. We are now in Cornwall with my sister in law and the in laws are joining us tomorrow. We have a beautiful cottage but the farm is somewhere where dh came with us three years ago and where we were planning to come to together in July, so it is a mixed bag of emotions that I am feeling right now. I think ds1 is feeling it too, although I am confident that the boys will enjoy the activities here from tomorrow morning.

I have obviously done all the packing this week whilst ill and feel very glad to finally be here. I have dh's ashes in the cupboard next to me which is all wrong, but we planned to retire here and it is where he proposed to me too, so, as it has to be done somewhere, scattering them in Cornwall seems most appropriate. I plan to take the boys and FIL up a hill on the coast but just have to hope that FIL will make it with his dodgy knee! SIL and MIL are not intending to be involved.

This a.m ds1 woke with another ear infection - the fourth of the year - and then the hire car was the wrong size. I was quite relieved when SIL managed to drive 15 miles in th wrong direction as it meant the third thing had gone wrong!

I have also had a problem with ds2 and his sleep apnoea. His alarm went off last weekend and when I got to him he was pretty unresponsive and cold. I have to admit it took me back to the night of dh's death and for one moment I panicked that it was happening all over again. I spoke to the hv yesterday and she is going to try and gather some momentum with the gp to get ds2 looked at again, as that is the second time this year that he has needed shaking and shouting at when the alarm has gone off.

In addition to all of the above, I have had to try and get multiple wee samples from ds2 due to on going urinary issues. It's all been a bit much and I cried a lot in the evenings at the weekend. I was worried that I was losing hope for the first time and that was a scary place to be. Upon reflection, I need to remember two things next time: firstly, I must ring someone, and, secondly, it does improve again overnight. Note to self! Now, must sleep! Preferably all week!

trulymadlydeeply Sat 14-Sep-13 13:43:49

You are truly amazing, Survival. Your DH would be so proud of all that you've achieved over the last few months.
Be kind to yourself. If you were reading your own blog as a stranger, you'd be staggered by your strength and resilience.
I hope that you have a good holiday and that your boys really benefit from all the fresh air and activities, and that YOU benefit from having others around to support you.
Lots of love. Xxx

LeMousquetaireAnonyme Sat 14-Sep-13 13:50:13

Be kind to yourself. If you were reading your own blog as a stranger, you'd be staggered by your strength and resilience.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Sat 14-Sep-13 21:33:43

I can't say on here why that means so much to me right now, but just thank you.

YoniMitchel Sat 14-Sep-13 21:42:56

I often think of you and your boys, you are so strong and such an amazing mother x

FlatCapAndAWhippet Sun 15-Sep-13 06:34:01

I can't find the words to fit this, you're truly wonderful, as both a mother and wife. Keep on keeping on. x

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Sun 15-Sep-13 17:16:44

Thank you.

timetopost Thu 19-Sep-13 17:30:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trulymadlydeeply Sun 22-Sep-13 17:08:41

Hope all is well, Survival. Thinking of you with love. Xx

TwentyTinyToes Tue 01-Oct-13 07:48:56

Hope you and your lovely boys are ok. flowers

trulymadlydeeply Tue 01-Oct-13 16:56:55

Hope all is well, Survival.
Thinking of you. Xx

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Wed 02-Oct-13 23:53:19

Thank you for continuing to think of me. I've had a slightly mad couple of weeks since we got back from holiday but will try and summarise it a bit tomorrow night!

saffronwblue Thu 03-Oct-13 12:47:59

Thinking of you survival. Still in awe of your resilience- even if you don't feel strong you really are! x

timetopost Thu 03-Oct-13 15:23:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeMousquetaireAnonyme Thu 03-Oct-13 15:27:41


SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Sat 05-Oct-13 21:20:45

Well, here is a summary of the last week:
I have had visits from the health visitor and the financial advisor.
We have all had haircuts ready for my brother's wedding next weekend.
We were visited by a representative from Guy's Gift who will now be working with both boys on dealing with their bereavement.
We have had a joint appointment for both boys at the local hospital and ds2 has 3 new referrals for the regional children's hospital. They have referred him to genetics to see if we can tie all his (minor) difficulties together under one umbrella.
I have written his care plan for Pre-school.
I have written two blog posts for the Huffington Post (and my heart one is on the front page of the MN blog area today).
I have been to the gym and cycled 10 miles with a friend around the local countryside.
I have worked out my incomings and outgoings (which I have been putting off for months!)
I have finally applied for a credit card in my own name and resolved the issue of dh having £50 of top cash back pending (now on its way to me!)
I have introduced a reward scheme for the boys which has, for now at least, dramatically improved their behaviour (and endured some battle royals with them, hence needing the reward charts!)
I have done a load of Christmas shopping using the MN Christmas bargain threads.
I have recovered from sinusitis and experienced both boys being ill at the same time on my own for the first time (and survived!).
I think the only thing I've got wrong is not updating my online supermarket shop in time and have taken delivery of way too many potatoes but no bagels for ds2's breakfast!

I know I posted last time that I'd had a busy two weeks but I can't even remember what happened last week now!

Coming back from holiday was hard emotionally, but things have settled down again. I'm now feeling pretty positive about my db's wedding next week. The boys are looking forward to being page boys and I'm determined to have a little dance! I will use a little bribery to ensure that they behave well!

Thanks for your continued support.

YoniMitchel Sun 06-Oct-13 18:15:38

wow! as always I'm very impressed with your attitude and resilience, as the phrase where I'm from goes "you're some woman for one woman" gringrin

trulymadlydeeply Sun 06-Oct-13 18:17:32

You amazing woman. Hope you manage to have a lovely time at your DB's wedding. Thinking of you lots. Xx

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Sun 06-Oct-13 23:56:39

Thanks. Ds1 decided to leave home this afternoon. He's been mentioning it for a few days and nothing in particular seemed to start it today. He sat outside at the edge of our usual boundary for a pong time Ruth his teddy, pull up for night time, pants, toys and s box of tissues. Then he decided to make a run for it and crossed 2 roads (he is only 5 remember). 80 mins later I managed to bring him back. Luckily, my SIL wad here to look after ds2 (and eat the roast dinner!). I managed to keep very calm and I read 'Guess how much I love you' at bedtime. We ended on a positive note, but gosh, the saga has taken every ounce of my strength. I know why he's angry and I understand why it is aimed at me, but I just wish I could take it all away for him.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Sun 06-Oct-13 23:57:37

Sorry for typos. On my phone which won't let me correct very easily.

LeMousquetaireAnonyme Mon 07-Oct-13 06:58:05

sorry to hear that, must be very hard for you. I hope the counselling help quickly.
Do you think it would help him to spend 1 to 1 time with an uncle or GF? if possible at all?

saffronwblue Mon 07-Oct-13 08:43:19

Oh that sounds so hard. You must feel like walking off with your teddy too sometimes but you have to be strong and mature for your boys. Am amazed and impressed by your summary of activities!
Hope you have a better day today.x

timetopost Mon 07-Oct-13 21:44:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Mon 07-Oct-13 22:32:49

Thank you all.x

FoxyRevenger Thu 10-Oct-13 12:20:12

Survival I woke up this morning thinking of you and your boys - I'm really not a weirdo stalker, honest!

Wow, it has been such a busy time for you; I actually think you get more done in a few weeks than I've done this year.

I can't tell you how much I admire your resilience and the fact that you seem to deal with your boys so patiently when at times it would just be easier to crack.

Your blog is wonderful. smile

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