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A little hand holding please...

(511 Posts)
SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Fri 26-Apr-13 03:48:37

My gorgeous husband kissed ds1, aged 5, ds2, aged 3, and I, tonight, told us each that he loved us and went to play football, as he has every Thursday for the last 10 years.

38 minutes later, I had a call from his mate to say that he was having some kind of fit. By the time I arrived at the pitch, he was receiving cpr. Eventually we agreed they should stop at the hospital. He was 39 years old and the best daddy and husband one could hope for.

I'm lying here, wide awake, totally numb, and trying to think how to tell our beautiful boys that their super daddy didn't make it home.

I don't know when I'll be back on here., as I'm supposed to be trying to sleep, but just needed to say the words above.

saffronwblue Wed 03-Jul-13 13:20:39

Survival I am in awe of how you navigate each new situation and always put your boys first.

HomageToCannelloni Wed 03-Jul-13 14:14:17

Survival. Just read through your entire thread and I just want to thank you for sharing your journey. You evidently have a great inner strength and determination, both of which are to be admired, especially after all you have been through. Your boys are very lucky to have you as their mum. I will think of you whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself, and it will encourage me to find the positive in each day as you are doing. You truly are an inspiration. Good luck with your new life, though from where I'm sitting you won't need it with the great attitude you have.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Wed 03-Jul-13 23:27:14

What lovely posts - thank you.

It transpired that ds2 probably bruised one of his kidneys in his fall at the weekend. The blood in his urine seems to be decreasing so the gp was unconcerned. You really couldn't make up a story about our lives at the moment!

The health visitor came out on Monday. She is new so I had to go through ds2's history. She was thinking of starting a CAF for us, I think, which feels a bit weird as I usually contribute towards them for families with whom I work. However, they can be very positive and I do agree with her that I have got quite a lot of plates spinning at the moment. I find I can remain upbeat and positive through conversations about it all until someone asks about me directly.

The summer holidays scare me slightly. We used to plan for dh to have 2 separate weeks off work so that I didn't have the children on my own for too long in one go. 6 weeks is going to take some doing now! I'm looking into activities that the boys can do so we can all have a break, but there aren't many options for ds2 because he is 3 (and ds1 is such a home boy that getting him to go anywhere may turn out to be more hassle than it's worth, but I shall try it). Lots of friends are suggesting trips out, but we will need to balance those with some relaxation at home. We have moved our holiday to the third week in September. The boys and I made a long list of things we'd like to do in the summer tonight so that will help. It will be a tricky time, but there are parents all over the place in similar scenarios. Unfortunately, I'm booked in to have a partially erupted lower wisdom tooth removed under local anaesthetic on the second day of term in September - not a great reward for getting through the 6 weeks!!

I'm going on ds1's school trip tomorrow so time for some beauty sleep.

ScienceRocks Thu 04-Jul-13 07:40:13

Survival, I know it isn't the same at all, but I find planning the long summer holiday works well for me. The DCs and I know what is happening pretty much day to day and it is really helpful in managing everyone's expectations and enabling me to get organised. The time also passes quickly. I tried to freestyle one summer and found it incredibly difficult (and slow).

The CAF sounds sensible, and you will have a a very different take on it to most. You could even think about it as continuing professional development!


SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Fri 05-Jul-13 22:36:38

I like that thought Science!

Planning the holidays makes good sense, I'm just not sure I've got the capacity to do it properly at the moment. Certainly, we have a lot of options and now it is just trying to sort out what fits together well.

Had a really good day today. When ds2 went to pre-school, I dug my bike out of the shed, found the key to dh's D lock (that I had forgotten he even used!), so that I could liberate my bike from his, attached the front wheel (and brake!), found the bike pump and guessed correctly how to use it. I only cycled for 20 minutes as it was very hot and I was a bit nervous being on my own (due to general wheeziness on a bike), but it was fab to feel I had mastered something (even if they were straightforward things I should have already known blush), and been out in the fresh air on my own for a bit. Some other mums are hoping to accompany me on a bike ride to a local pub next week, so that would be great.

I've also mended a broken door handle tonight and enjoyed the tennis. smile I went on ds1's school trip yesterday which was also good fun. The sunshine definitely helps.

JewelFairies Sat 06-Jul-13 09:47:05

Are there any holiday schemes near you for ds1, like Kings camp or similar? Something activity based where you can book him in for a day at a time? Might be nice if you can arrange the odd day just with one child to give them your full attention. And don't forget to plan something for yourself. Glad to hear you've been out cycling smile and quite impressed by your DIY skills!
brew and biscuit and thanks

saffronwblue Sun 07-Jul-13 23:50:03

The ride sounds lovely! Well done for maanging all the logistics around it.

With the holidays I think a chart detailing all the 6 weeks is a good idea. You can show your DS's how you will have (for example) one day out followed by one day at home. Put in things like a pyjama, movie and popcorn day. I have no doubt that you have friends who are keen to help and spend time with you. Try booking them in for easy low maintenance things like a picnic in the park or a garden day together.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Tue 09-Jul-13 00:30:20

Thanks. I wanted to post tonight as I have officially finished the probate paperwork and accompanying ball ache tasks (date of death balances from all companies/utilities etc.., set of accounts, tax return...) My brother has been a big help this evening and I'm very grateful for his support. Now, I have to collect dh's original will, make copies, post it all, await a copy of the oath for swearing, go back to the solicitor to swear it, and then wait again for the Grant to come through. When I send it off to the relevant parties, I can begin to wind up the estate. I'm very glad to have done it myself, rather than paying others lots of money to do it for me, but it has been ridiculously convoluted. I fell the need for a celebration!

As rather an aside, I encouraged the boys to watch the last 30mins of the tennis with me yesterday. Dh would have been ecstatic to see a Brit win Wmbledon and it made me quite emotional. He would also be pleased to see the boys showing an interest.

Ds1 wanted answers to lots of medical questions about dh, and his death, tonight. I don't know if something prompted them, but I just tried to answer openly but without more detail than he needs aged 5. Ds2, meanwhile, said again yesterday, "Mummy, I'm still hoping Daddy will come back." More work to do, obviously.

saffronwblue Tue 09-Jul-13 03:43:30

Well done on that huge job of probate. I can understand lots of feelings around the tennis and those hard conversations with your boys. They must feel so secure with you that you will answer their questions. Their grief will not be complicated by secrets and mysteries. X

ScienceRocks Tue 09-Jul-13 06:43:41

Well done on doing all the probate (all your talk if swearing made me smile as the amount if work involved would make anyone swear). I think it fab that your ds1 is showing an interest in the medical side of things and the fact that he and ds2 feel so comfortable I. Talking to you about their feelings and questions are a huge indictment of your parenting (though it must be difficult to provide answers).

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, my friend, you are doing brilliantly x

SconesForTea Tue 09-Jul-13 10:45:48

Oh Survival. Your poor DS2. He is just too little to understand properly sad No reflection at all on how much work you have or haven't done.

Brilliant on getting through the probate nightmare so quickly - that really is impressive.

As for planning the summer hols, can a friend help you sit down and do it? I too would be (incredibly) daunted by both the long holidays and the planning of it. But I'm sure it will really help make it an enjoyable time.

FoxyRevenger Thu 11-Jul-13 12:41:16

Oh Survival, poor DS2, I suppose he will only begin to comprehend as life keeps going on with your new Team of 3.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Thu 11-Jul-13 23:47:28

Ds1 brought his first school report home today. After a tough first year, with attendance of only 87%, due to all his medical appointments, injuries and time off for a few days when dh died in April, he has exceeded expectations in 4 areas, met them in all others, and is described as a very brave and determined boy who the teacher will miss next year. As a teacher myself, I couldn't find anything that needed reading between the lines, and I'm just so proud of him. I would never normally mention it on MN, and have resisted doing so on Facebook, but I think on this one occasion it is justified. One of my dearest friends said this week that the boys haven't changed as a result of dh's death. It made me cry because I think that's probably the biggest compliment she could give me right now. I know that it has changed everything, and the path of all our lives, but the fact that they are still lively, inquisitive, happy little boys has to be a good place from which to build our future.

SaveWaterDrinkMalibu Fri 12-Jul-13 00:55:12

Just seen this thread & have tears in my eyes

Sorry for your loss, you seem like you've coped amazingly well. Stay strong

ScienceRocks Fri 12-Jul-13 07:37:48

Survival, definitely take that compliment and hold it close! Sounds like your ds1 has done brilliantly in the most trying of circumstances and his report really reflects that (and I love the fact that the teacher in you couldn't help trying to find hidden messages grin). It is not boasting at all, it is simply confirmation of what a fantastic job you are doing (especially the 87% attendance which I think is amazing given what he has going on).

LeMousquetaireAnonyme Fri 12-Jul-13 09:16:35

What Save and SR said. Be proud!

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Fri 12-Jul-13 09:22:37

Thank you ladies!

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Sat 13-Jul-13 00:24:25

This afternoon (as I haven't been to bed yet!), I took the boys to Wagamamas for tea on my own. This is a first and they behaved really well. (Well, apart from a bit of drumming on the table with the chopsticks and ds2 falling backwards off the bench, somehow getting his hands round to save himself, but then waiting, in handstand position, for me to dive round two tables to rescue him by his thighs!) I've also been for an 8 mile bike ride with friends. I felt free and joyous for the first time in 11 weeks. Beware the Saturday morning emotional crash, but at least we have a busy weekend (including a little light loft clearance) with friends.

Homebird8 Sat 13-Jul-13 00:37:37

I chuckled at your DS2 coming off the bench. Mean I know, but he reminded me of my DS1 who, at 10, still can't sit on a chair without falling off.

Well done on making plans for the harder times of the week. The loft stuff should be satisfying though I'll be thinking of you. You're bound to find some stuff which will rock you. flowers

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Sat 13-Jul-13 08:45:50

Uurgh! After a lovely afternoon yesterday, I went to bed late, having finished the jobs late, only for ds1 to wake at 2am with a wet bed and feeling sick. He and I were then awake until about 5.15. At 5.30 he woke again with a shout, having had a nightmare, and that woke ds2 for the day! Today will be a test of endurance me thinks! I think the outside jobs I hoped to achieve with friends today will still happen, but not the loft stuff as the boys (and I!) will need to sleep after lunch and I don't want to infect our lovely friends. The situation also leaves us with a gaping housebound weekend ahead.

JewelFairies Sat 13-Jul-13 09:03:42

Survival sad Feel for you and hope you can all get some sleep after lunch. Dd2 has also been awake most of the night crying out with tummy ache every 20 minutes or so. She's now sleeping but I've been up for the day since before 5.
Be kind to yourself and don't try to do the impossible especially in this weather (forecast for 30 degrees where I am and I already feel hot).

Homebird8 Sat 13-Jul-13 09:27:33

Oh Survival, lack of sleep and poorly children is a nightmare at the best of times. Definitely let the loft wait. Mine waited years! If you're all well enough try to catch up with your friends. Otherwise now is the time for TV, easy to eat food and cutting yourself some slack. brew

<hurries off to stick a thermometer in DS1 and hope it's not a chest infection. 38.8 anyone?>

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Sat 13-Jul-13 09:33:05

Hope all the poorly ones are better soon.

Homebird8 Sat 13-Jul-13 09:38:54

Thanks Survival. I'm only just better myself and he's so cuddly when he's not well. Too busy at work to be off sick again. Luckily I have the world's most understanding boss.

How's DS1? Hoping it's one of those things they just bounce back from leaving you knackered in their wake.

ClimbingPenguin Sat 13-Jul-13 19:37:27

Hope you survived the day. That sounds a night bad enough to break you even when things are going 'well'

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