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A little hand holding please...

(511 Posts)
SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Fri 26-Apr-13 03:48:37

My gorgeous husband kissed ds1, aged 5, ds2, aged 3, and I, tonight, told us each that he loved us and went to play football, as he has every Thursday for the last 10 years.

38 minutes later, I had a call from his mate to say that he was having some kind of fit. By the time I arrived at the pitch, he was receiving cpr. Eventually we agreed they should stop at the hospital. He was 39 years old and the best daddy and husband one could hope for.

I'm lying here, wide awake, totally numb, and trying to think how to tell our beautiful boys that their super daddy didn't make it home.

I don't know when I'll be back on here., as I'm supposed to be trying to sleep, but just needed to say the words above.

Homebird8 Sat 22-Jun-13 07:26:35

I'm sure you weren't harsh Survival. If we've seen anything of you here, it is that you are real. That card is about the real woman he loved and I'm so glad you found it.

tumbletumble Sat 22-Jun-13 09:49:03

Just read your Father's Day post with tears in my eyes at the thought of your DH saying "Come on girl... Keep going...". And how wonderful for you to find that card and your DH's incredible words. Of course you got cross with him sometimes when you were stressed - you're only human! But it's clear that the two of you loved each other very, very much.

You can do it, Survival.

MunchkinsMumof2 Sat 22-Jun-13 14:27:51

I echo the posters that have said your dh loved you because you are you. No marriage is perfect and we all make mistakes and say and do things we regret but essentially yours sounded like a good relationship based on friendship and respect. You are so eloquent and are such a good Mum and i know from experience that people like you are easy to love and easily forgiven for any flaws. Keep going just how you are and without wishing to sound woo, I think you were meant to find your dh's lovely card this week. Sending love and strength xx

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Sat 22-Jun-13 20:59:15

Thank you all. (Laptop still here tonight!) You are so very kind and it really does help me.

Bearcrumble Wed 26-Jun-13 20:52:45

Thinking of you and the boys. You have been so wonderfully self aware and articulate about how you're feeling.

I hope you are getting enough support for yourself.

So sorry that DS2's heart trace has a few questions over it - hoping they are not anything significant.


SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Wed 26-Jun-13 22:59:17

Thanks bc.
I've been asking for and accepting help in the last few days as I've been struggling a bit. I think I'm just tired.
Today went pretty well until I collected ds1 from school. He'd been to meet his new teacher with the class and she asked them all to draw their family. He told me after bedtime, finally, after a few unsettled hours, and said, "Mummy, I just couldn't." We talked it all through and his main concern is that he doesn't want to go into Yr 1 because he thinks his teacher doesn't know about his daddy. I have every confidence that we will sort this out in the morning at school, but my heart ached for him. He drew a picture of the rest of us in the end apparently, and I told him I thought he'd been very brave. Gulp!

Tabliope Wed 26-Jun-13 23:14:22

Poor little fellow. I've been following your thread. I'm so sorry for what has happened. You sound so strong even though I know you probably don't feel it. I'm glad your little boy is opening up to you. Take care.

ScienceRocks Wed 26-Jun-13 23:24:52

Oh, your poor DS, Survival. Doesn't sound like it was handled very sensitively at the school though...

Well done on asking for and accepting help, but sorry you are so tired sad

Still thinking of you all a lot. You know where we are if you need to vent in any way <hugs>

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Wed 26-Jun-13 23:54:36

Thank you. I need to learn to remember that when he's having a complete meltdown, it means something has happened that I will hear about later. I am being pretty patient anyway, but I do reach my limits with him at times. How guilty I feel now! My friend did remind me that I am only human!

Homebird8 Thu 27-Jun-13 02:55:44

I am so shock angry shock at school for putting your DS1 in that position. Of course he 'just couldn't'. Who could?

You are an amazing safe place for him to be able to share his experiences with though and you mustn't forget that. It will take time for him to bring things up sometimes and you aren't a mind reader so please don't expect unrealistic things of yourself. You are what he needs and he will feel safer for realising that you are human too.

Good luck in the morning. I'm sure you'll hear all the 'right' things. Make sure they know that you need them to think for themselves too though. None of your lives need to be made harder by thoughtlessness. flowers

SconesForTea Thu 27-Jun-13 09:54:15

Holding your hand. It's great that you feel able to ask for and accept help. Of course you're tired. It's all still so new, bizarre and horrible. Your poor DS. It sounds as if the teacher wasn't aware?

TwentyTinyToes Thu 27-Jun-13 20:57:18

Hope your chat with the school went ok, i am shocked at their lack of thought. Poor little boy. sad

Please continue to ask and accept help, your boys are so lucky to have you to help them through this, but of course you need to look after yourself too. Once again i am in awe of your strength. X

ClimbingPenguin Fri 28-Jun-13 21:40:16

Good luck for the weekend, it is suppose to be nice (I think)

timetopost Sat 29-Jun-13 20:55:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Sun 30-Jun-13 22:13:22

I don't think I've posted the fact that the school responded well re the family drawing situation. Ds1 seems to have forgotten it now.
I have also spoken at length to the regional cardiac nurse who co-ordinates the response to families dealing with sudden cardiac death and possible genetic links. We won't be seen until August, which seems like a long time to wait, knowing that ds2 had some cardiac anomalies. They are the right people to see though, so I must steel myself.
Well, we've had an interesting weekend. Ds2 fell about 3.5ft down from a moving piece of play equipment yesterday lunchtime onto his head and back. The thud made me feel sick. Miraculously, the only injury at the time was a grazed, bruised and swollen ear that he caught on a tyre as he hit the hard ground. However, a few hours later, he started losing a bit of blood through the nostril on that side of his head. I did some watchful waiting and decided at 8.30 this a.m, when it was still bleeding to brave A&E. It took 4 medics to decide that he was okay, and we left nearly 2 hours later. The trip involved using the resus toilets next to the room where dh was on the evening of his death and telling the receptionist that dh was no longer ds2's next of kin. I then carried on with a very busy day and cooked a roast chicken that had maggots in it!
Upon reflection, and for only the second time since dh died, I can see I've coped well today. I also saw the lovely lady who looked after dh, and then me, on the evening of his death. She shouted my name down the corridor and gave me a big hug. I'm not sure being known by staff in A&E is a thing to aspire to!
The boys and I went for a lovely walk in the fields tonight before bedtime to make sure the day ended positively. They said they were on an adventure and it reignited my desire to start making memories again with them. The nurse today also said what happy boys I have. This warmed my heart.
I contacted Cruse this week re counselling for me and they probably won't see me for about 8 weeks. This worries me a bit as I know I need to start the process now. However, she offered me the Samaritans' number and I know I am a million miles away from needing it, today at least. After a day like today, that's about as much as I can hope for at the mo.

Awks Sun 30-Jun-13 22:18:12

Gawd reading your thread makes me feel sad and proud of you at the same time. You will be okay - all of you and that will be down to your strength of character and your determination. A shite thing happened to you all and I am so sorry and I wish you all the luck and love in the world x

ScienceRocks Sun 30-Jun-13 23:02:18

I think everyone in this thread would say that you cope fantastically well every day, but it's about your perception, not ours. So I am really pleased that - despite such an eventful weekend - you feel you have done well today. Hold on to that feeling if you can.

Is there another counselling service you can access? Your gp may be able to help. You really shouldn't have to wait that long.

Homebird8 Mon 01-Jul-13 04:04:07

I am so glad that school responded well to your family drawing situation and that DS1 has managed to put it behind him. I hope that means now that you and school feel like you're working together again.

A&E must have been really hard to return to. A hard one to come to terms with that you're remembered there though the hug must have been welcome. Glad DS2 came away from it all fine. Children are remarkably resilient although they make the most dreadful noises to go with their adventures sometimes.

Good idea to get a positive adventure in later on. Don't worry, you'll make those memories. flowers

MunchkinsMumof2 Mon 01-Jul-13 13:25:12

Wow, Survival life is really throwing so much at you but despite that you are still coping and still always thinking about how to make a good life for your sons. You are inspirational and such a good role model for your darling boys. I hope your son's head is less sore and I also hope you can start bereavement counselling soon as it can only help. Sending love and strength x

trulymadlydeeply Mon 01-Jul-13 15:54:14

You are amazing, Survival. You honestly are.

Lots of love. Xxx

GoatsHaveStrangeEyes Mon 01-Jul-13 16:07:43

As a woman who's dad died young (he was 41, I was 13, dbros 9 and 7 and dsis 4) I can honestly say you are amazing. You are an inspiration to me x

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Mon 01-Jul-13 22:34:31

Thank you very much. Honestly, I'm just bumbling along!

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest Mon 01-Jul-13 22:35:13

And, Goats, so sorry for your loss.

timetopost Tue 02-Jul-13 21:41:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tumbletumble Wed 03-Jul-13 07:19:23

Hi Survival, well done for your feeling that you are doing well, have a pat on the back from me!

Sorry to hear you've got to wait for your counselling and the cardiac specialist. Hope you can hang in there okay until then. What are your plans for the summer holidays?

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