Can't cope.

(19 Posts)
Bereavednanny Sun 21-Apr-13 16:06:45

My partner died three weeks ago. I found him 6 hours later.

I just cannot cope. I have a huge sense of guilt for not being here for him. I miss him so so much. I have some great friends but they have their own lives/partners/family. They tell me I should call them but I cannot show my emotions to others. I can't ask for help.

I have seen a counsellor and although I don't think it helped, I will keep going.

But I have done nothing but cry today, it's Sunday, the only day we had off together and we should be out enjoying the sunshine, doing things that couples do but he's not here.

I miss him so much. I want him back. Failing that, I want to be with him. Which is stupid because he didn't believe that there is anything else and I kind of agree. I just know that I don't want to be here without him. People say it will get better but when I talk to other bereaved people they tell me that it takes a long long time for it to get better and I don't want to feel this hurt anymore.

I have also lost my job and we lived together in accommodation supplied by my employers. I now have to leave our home.

I am completely lost and empty. I really really don't want to go on on my own.

Sorry for the ramble. I don't know what I want to achieve with this post but people keep telling me to write it all down!!

OP’s posts: |
Trazzletoes Sun 21-Apr-13 16:08:23

I don't have any magic answers but I'm here with my support for you until someone more knowledgeable comes along.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hassled Sun 21-Apr-13 16:13:17

I'm so sorry for your loss. You must miss him very much.

Please keep going to the counsellor - and don't forget you can call the Samaritans any time. And those friends who offered support - they meant it. Once you've asked for the help you've done the hardest bit - they'll listen and hand-hold when you need it.

Blondeshavemorefun Sun 21-Apr-13 20:30:42

oh sweetie ((hugs)) why didnt you call me sad

it is shit, i cant take away the pain and losing your man, job and home all within a week, totally sucks sad


maybe being away will help, rather then reminding you

and yes friends MEAN it when they say call, yes we have our own lives/partners etc, but as you know ive been where you have sad and know * EXACTLY* how you are feeling - so please call and say you need some company

counselling was a godsend for me, and you need to talk to someone who is just there for you (tho i am always here as well)

but you need to get on/bond with your counsellor, so ask for another one

come and stay anytime, or i can come to you

but dont be alone - lots of cuddles and ears for listening and tissues for tears xx

Trazzletoes Sun 21-Apr-13 22:00:57

Bumping this for you, OP. please do call your friends. If one of them was in this situation, wouldn't you hope that they could call you even if its just to cry down the phone at them for half an hour?

Themobstersknife Sun 21-Apr-13 22:14:20

I have never lost a partner. But my mum did. And she brought up four of us on her own. I suspect having us made her focus on coping. As well as losing my dad, I later lost my mum, and virtually every member of the older generation of my family. I have also lost a couple of good friends. You will cope. But its so new and raw. Am not surprised you are finding it tough. Don't beat yourself up. Don't give up. Its just bloody hard.
Use the counselling. I have never had any and am like you. I can't show my feelings so probably would have really benefitted.
Come and use us if you can't talk to rl people.
Take care.

Themobstersknife Sun 21-Apr-13 22:15:35

Am so sorry for your loss. Should have said that first of all.

Bereavednanny Tue 23-Apr-13 19:26:58

Thank you all for your kind messages.

It just all gets on top of me sometimes. I just miss him so much. I think that the shock has worn off now and reality has set in and I now realise that I will never see or speak to him again.

That I never really got to say goodbye (TMI alert!- he was sitting on the loo when I left, I opened the bathroom door and said, ew! Bye. (Sorry baby! Telling the world!)) That I will always miss him.

I won't do anything stupid, my parents have already lost one child and I couldn't put them through that again. But it doesn't stop me praying for a heart attack or to be hit by a bus. I just can't imagine the rest of my life without him, never doing any of the things we planned to do together.

It shouldn't have happened to him. He was 36 years old, he was a body builder, he was fit and healthy, he ate well, didn't drink or smoke.

I shouldn't be a 'widow' at 44 years old, we should have had years together. I shouldn't be alone. I shouldn't have to take people away from their loved ones when life is so short.

I just want him back.

OP’s posts: |
Selks Tue 23-Apr-13 19:33:40

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I don't have any words of wisdom but I just wanted to wish you strength to cope with the pain and heartache in this terrible time. Nothing can bring your partner back but you can always carry his love for you, and yours for him, in your heart. Nothing need diminish that. ((un-mumsnetty hugs))

Badvoc Tue 23-Apr-13 19:42:56

I am so very sorry x

SisyphusDad Tue 23-Apr-13 22:45:54

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and sending my best wishes. My OH died last year, albeit expectedly, so I can empathise with some of what you're going through.

I wish it could be otherwise but it is tough and will continue to be so for a while. The only advice I can give is to take it one day at a time. You'll have shit days and not-quite-so-shit days, but count every one you get through more or less intact as a great success. Which it will be.

That, and ask and look for help.


Friends. I read what you said about being reluctant to express your feelings and ask for help. Believe me, I'm the same in spades. It's driven me to panic attacks. But I tell myself that I have no choice. I need that help. And if they say no, it's not a rejection but they simply can't help on that occasion. Next time may be different.

Charities. There may be ones specific to what happened to your partner. There are also general bereavement ones like Cruse and WayForward. There are other general ones that provide some support for kids, if you have them. I've got a few links that I'll dig out and post shortly, if I can still find them. They won't solve all your problems but in my experience they'll go absolutely as far as they can to help.

Be strong. You can do it.

SisyphusDad Tue 23-Apr-13 22:54:08

These are the links that some people have given me...



The Bereaved Partner's Support Group - BPSG

Bereavednanny Fri 26-Apr-13 20:05:03

Thank you for the websites SisyphusDad

Unfortunately none of them are any good for me. We didn't have any children, I can't carry past 10 weeks. No idea why.

And he died after biting his tongue and choking on his blood during an epileptic fit.

I had a cruse session today and was told at the end of it that they couldn't fit me in for my next session for 7 weeks!! I just just don't know what to do with myself.

I am beside myself, cannot think straight, I don't know what I am going to do next. I can't do this on my own, I don't want to be here without him.

There has been lots of wailing and gnashing of teeth today. Throwing things, punching and kicking things and screaming that it's so fucking unfair. Screaming at him that I hate him for leaving me.

I just feel so abandoned and alone. It's shit.

OP’s posts: |
ssd Mon 29-Apr-13 16:41:40

I'm so so sorry, cruse have a generic phone line that you can chat to someone over the phone when you really need to, can you try that?

hugs to you xxx

Bereavednanny Tue 30-Apr-13 23:45:01

I didn't realise that they had a number that I could call to chat.

I might try that. I have been to see the Samaritans, they were amazing, listened and tried to help as much as they could and I will go and see them again. But they are not grief counsellors!

My wonderful ex-boss has offered to pay for private counselling until I find a new job. I did tell her no!

It's just not getting any easier. I miss him so so much and it hits me so hard when I think that I am never going to see him again. It is like a dream, that I will wake up soon and he will be back as if nothing has happened.

I met his mum for the first time on Sunday, which was so emotionally draining, she was so upset but wanted to know what had happened so I told her everything, even though it is a month ago today, I can see everything as clear as if it were happening now. She wanted to see where I found him, in my bedroom, and sobbed so much. It was awful.

But she told me that he will live on in my heart and hers and that she will always be there if I needed her. Which was lovely.

I just really don't want to go on without him. I just don't know how to do it. I am falling to pieces and my world has come to an end. I can never see me being happy again.

OP’s posts: |
BriansBrain Wed 01-May-13 00:12:03

Just found this on my way to bed and wanted to add my hand to hold.

You will get a lot of support here and links to RL help, I will pop back in the morning it just wanted to let you know you strong and able x

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 01-May-13 08:01:49

Aww sweetie. ((Hugs)) and will give you a real one when I see you later

Meeting his mum must have been hard and emotional sad but its another hurdle you have crossed

One day you will feel happy again / I know you feel you won't as its early days but one day you will

I felt the exactly the same way but eventually you will pick yourself up - and find happiness / but as I keep saying you are in such early stages of grief and everything takes time

You've done a month - well done - 6mths and then a year and then 2yrs seems so far away but they will come round

Take things easy - dont push yourself and rem your friends are here to support you and use us

See you later for c&c&c

Cuppa cake and cuddles xx

BlessedWithBothx2 Wed 01-May-13 19:10:57

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. We lost our DD aged 21 in Jan this year due to an epileptic fit or SUDEP (sudden unexpected death in epilepsy). I can highly recommend a charity called SUDEP Action (previously called Epilepsy Bereaved) They are a small charity but provide telephone counselling but I guess more importantly they only deal with Epilepsy deaths. Therefore maybe they will be able to help you work through any questions relating to this. Cry as much as you need to its therapy in it's self.

Take care and remember, take baby steps xxx

Callaird Mon 20-May-13 19:25:45

I just don't know how to keep going.

I just don't want to be in pain anymore. I can't do this, it's too fucking hard. I miss him so much. It's just not fair. I can't and don't want to go on anymore.

I need him. He was my rock. I have no-one now. Sitting in my parents house crying while they sit in another room, studiously ignoring me. I am so alone. No-one cares.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in