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My baby boy died

(34 Posts)
FrillsandLaces Tue 09-Apr-13 06:07:10

I lost my baby boy last month. We found out at his 5 month scan that he was very poorly, his kidneys hadnt formed properly, were full of cysts and one had stopped working. This meant that his lungs wouldnt develop as they shoukd of. They offered me a termination i agonised for 3 weeks what to do. They said even if we made it full term he would never come home he woukd live in hospital on a dialasis and a ventilator. We decided it would be kinder to let him go. I was 23 weeks and 6 days when i gave birth to my little boy.

I know he would of never of made it, logically i know this. But theres still a voice in my head thats tellibg me iv made a terribke mistake and he would of been ok. I really wanted my son, we had been trying for a long time and i had begun to think that i was infertile. I was so hapoy when i found out i was going to be a mum.

I feel like im drowning, i cry everyday i cant stop thinking about him. I gave birth to him and i just keep reliving it. The doxtors didnt exoecr him to be alive when he was born, but he was. And he lived for half an hour. My heart hurts, i cant sleep because i keep waking up panicking.

How do people cope? Really how? Im massivly struggling, my son is the onky person who iv ever lost. And i want him back so badly, i should be 7 months pregnant now. This isnt how itvwas meant to be,

It helps to write my thoughts down, i cant talk to people im an absolute mess. My partner is as devastated as i am, he is our first child and we had so many plans for him. I have no idea how to help my partner i cant even bring myself to get out of bed nost days.

How do people get through this? I cant cope with feeling this awful, its like im drowning, my emotions just wont stop, i was numb at first and now i just have an awful pain that wont go away.

I also feel because we decided to let our little boy go that i dont have any right to be upset about it. I knew what ibwas doing, i didnt want to ibreally didnt butvthey said he woukd of never been able to live a healthy life. I didnt want that for him. But i didnt want him to die. I feel like because we made that choice that im not allowed to be upset. As stupid as that sounds.

Sorryvthis is all rambly, i just needed to clear my head of these thoughts

Velve Wed 10-Apr-13 09:38:54

YEs, joining the SANDS forum really helped me, like you I'm better at writing things down than talking about them. I break down easily if I talk and end up saying nothing.

I got a little silver necklace that could house a bit of my daughter's ashes. I think it was from here:
I got the heart shaped pendant and they kindly engraved it for me. I feel a bit better being able to carry a part of my daughter with me always.
They are not expensive so well worth looking at if you want something like this.

I hope today is gentle on you. xx

FrillsandLaces Wed 10-Apr-13 03:24:14

My partner is lovely, he was fab through out all of this. I havnt coped well but i think i would of found all of this a lot harder without him, we've had oyr ups and downs as most couples have but all of this has made me realise how much i love him and how very glad i am that hes my partner and my sons daddy. He was brilliant with our baby aswell, hes a huge man and watching him be so gentle with our son makes me well up now just thinking about it.

Yes i am new, i posted about this just as we found out which was about 5 6 weeks ago now i think. Iv found it helpful on here though, everyones been lovely. Because i had an abortion i yhought people on here would judge me but no one has and iv apreciated veryone being so nice.

I want to get a bracelet of somesort, if i could afford it id love to have his ashes put in a ring. Its way to expensive though ob the sites iv looked at.

Thank you xx

moreyear Wed 10-Apr-13 02:19:03

Oh I am so, so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wee boy and so sorry that all I can offer you are these trite words. I lost a baby to a late miscarriage and the pain is always there but it does lessen with time and you learn to accommodate it. I have a bracelet with his birthstone (actual and due)on it and it helps me to feel he is with me still.

Keep the ashes close by if that feels right - you don't need to do anything with them. He is with you for always and ever. xx

weaselwomble Wed 10-Apr-13 02:17:34

Hello frills.
Just wanted to say I am so so sorry for your loss. I have no children so I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling, but I couldn't read without posting.
Your DP sounds lovely and together, eventually you will get through this.
I didn't catch whether you're new or not, but if you are please hang around, you'll find lots of support on here.
Wish you the best of luck for the future.

FrillsandLaces Wed 10-Apr-13 01:56:05

Thank you for all your kind replies x

I would like to tell you my sons name but I dont want to be recognised. We told everyone that our son just passed away, i didnt want to be judged for what i did. The only people who know thatvwe decided to have an abortion is my mum and sister and my step dad.

He was due in July. When I was in labour with him id said to the midwife " Im sure I can still feel him kicking" she said she doubted it because usually the babies pass away before thir born because its too much stress on their little bodies and with the pain releif id had his body wouldnt be able to take it. As soon as he was born I asked the midwife if he was dead, she smiled and said no hes kicking and punching ( he was born in his sac ) she had to tear the sac to get him out and my partner cut the umbilical chord.

She passed him to me straight away, his mouth was opening and shutting but he didnt make a sound. I told him i loved him and laughed and said were not meant to meet yet, you were due in July. I asked ny partner if he wanted to hokd him and bless him he said " can i?"

As soon as he held him my partner gave him a cuddle and a kiss and then started crying. I feel bad for this now because i said to him quite harshly " Dont get upset infront of him i want him to remember us happy not crying and upset".

We then got took into a flat as such on the ward where my partner dressed him. My step dad had made a tiny babygrow and boots and gloves tobdress our baby in. It was lovely to have clothes for him, my youngest sister knitted him a blanket and we wrapped him up in that too. We also gave him a bath and we got to spebd a few hours just like a normal family. It judt seemed like he was asleep thevwhole time. I had him on sunday 10th march which was mothers day so i got to spend a mothers day with him.

I couldnt bring myself to leave him, ivstayed in hospital with him for two days i just couldnt let him go. I decidedvaswell that i wanted to take him tovthe chapel of rest myself, i didnt want strangers touching him, hed be scared. We put him in a nice basjet with a lid he had a teddy and about 6 blabkets lol. I didnt want him to get cold. We went and saw him everyday before the funeral. It hurt so much leaving him everytime.

I had my son cremated and his ashes are in my front room for now, i have no idea what i want to dobwith them. Ivdidnt want him to be buried because id want to see him all the time and he would of been scared on his own. My uterus is still going back into place, it eels like him kicking and i jeep forgetting hes not inside me anymore.

Thank you for your lovely replies, Im going to have a look at SANDS online, i find it a lot easier to write rather than to actually talk. Its an emotional rollercoaster, one minute im numb then im devastaed and then im well and truky angry. Im so so angry but theres no one to be angry at, it wasnt anyones fault.

Missymoo, im really sorry. That isva terrible thing to happen to anyone. Ive only been out a few times but most people know whats happened. No one mentions it though and people have barely spoke to me. I know its because they dont know what to say. It doesnt help though i just feel even more alone.

People have said you can always have another baby. But ivdont want another baby, i want the baby iv lost. Plus i dont think we will fall pregnant again for a long time, my partner is on medication which makes his sperm really slow. We worked out the date i conceived our son and it was when my partner had missed his tablets for two or three days. I do want to have more children in the future but not right now. And i know its going to be hard to get pregnant again. We were unbelievly happy when we found out we were pregnant, we decided to keep it a secret till the 3 month scan and then by an hour later wed told everyone we could think of lol.

Weve decided to go on holiday next month but im not really excited for it as such. It will be nice to get away for a while but right now i just cant think positive thoughts about anything. Iv had depression in the past and im trying so hard not to fall into this black hole thats trying to swallow me up. I keep trying to be upbeat but i cant.

Thank you so much for your lovely replies, youve all made me feel a bit better. Im sorry so many of us have been through the same thing.

Just remebered, my partner said a lovely thing the other day. Becayse i dont know anyone who had died i dont know anyone who coukd look after my baby wherever his soul went, i got upset at the thiught of him being on his own. My partner had laughed and said " But hes not on his own, hes here with us and he always will be" he also said he likes to think that our son is with other babies that passed away in the same room, so he will have lots if friends still. Daft i kno but uts made me feel a bit better about wherever he has gone

Thankvyou all fir taking the time to reply youve been lovely xxx

VeganCow Wed 10-Apr-13 01:52:21

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy x

MildredIsMyAlterEgo Tue 09-Apr-13 17:11:10

So sorry to hear this flowers

I hope you are able to get lots of support xx

pumpkinsweetie Tue 09-Apr-13 17:10:54

So very sorry for the loss of your little boy thanks.
Sending hugs to you op, you brave lady xxx xxx

Nordicmom Tue 09-Apr-13 17:05:24

I'm so very sorry for you ! I had lots of early misscarriages but feel they were not the same as losing a baby later on in the pregnancy . Can't imagine how you are feeling . Have u gotten any help ? You need to talk to someone , probably some sort of therapy could help although I never went anywhere for my 10 losses . Only thing I can say in general is that I find in time things will get easier a bit after people die although you never can get over a loss completely , it'll always be there. I do hope you will be able to move on with your life and hopefully have another healthy pregnancy if that is what you would like . Life does go on eventually eventhough it feels like its over . Big hug

Nobhead Tue 09-Apr-13 16:56:21

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this it is just heartbreaking. I lost my baby at 19 weeks on 21st Feb. It is the most unimaginably painful thing I have ever been through. There isn't anything anyone can say or do that will make it better.
Your decision to terminate your pregnancy must have been an excruciatingly difficult one but you have done the very best thing a Mum can do, saved your son from suffering and pain. You will always be a Mum even if he isn't here with you. The grief is so intense at first and the emotions you feel guilt,anger, sadness, a sense of feeling utterly robbed of a future you should have had. It does get easier to live with as the days and weeks go by, you never forget and there won't be a day that will go by when you don't think about your son but you do begin to come to terms with it.
You may not be thinking about it right now but something that has made it easier for me is trying to have little things to look forward to. We are going to book a holiday for me dh and ds in the summer around my EDD. I also have been back to the garden in the cemetery where we scattered our baby's ashes and laid flowers and just sat and cried. It's fine to grieve and cry. I also have a pendant on my bracelet to mark my little one so that way they are always with me.
Be kind to yourself and take each day at a time. Xxx

munchkinmaster Tue 09-Apr-13 13:03:10

Re reading my post I realise 'could have had' might be misconstrued. You are his mother and always will be

Frills I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy. What is his name? (if you feel able to share it)

I haven't been in your situation but I lost my little boy when he was 11 weeks old 14 years ago now, and I lost my little girl when she was 2 weeks old 6 years ago.

I hope you don't mind if I tell you about my daughter, I feel that her story may help you realise that what you did for your son was the most selfless and kind thing you could have done for him.

I had no idea anything was wrong with my daughter until the minute she was born, she was whisked off right away, put on a ventilator, and was very, very ill, she lived for 2 weeks before we had to swich all her machines off and let her go, but for the 2 weeks she lived she was in constant pain, she had painful tests and procedures every single day, we couldn't cuddle her, she would lay there unable to cry because of the ventilator, it was devestating to see her like that.

I love my daughter with every fibre of my being, but I can honestly say that if I had found out about her condition when I was pregnant I would have made the same decision as you, if I could have saved her from the pain that she was in and all the suffering she went through it would have been heartbreaking for me, but I would have done the best thing for her, which is what being a Mum is, and thats exactly what you did. In fact this sentence from your posts stood out for me Im his mum, i was meant to protect him you did protect him.

When you lose your child its not really a case of getting through it, because this new path your life has taken will last forever, there will never be a time when you will feel good about what has happened, but there will be a time where you won't have this intense feeling you are experiencing just now. It lasts for as long as it lasts, so for now its going to be a case of getting from minute to minute, then it will be going from hour to hour, and eventually somewhere down the line, you will be able to look forward too the weeks and months ahead, knowing that although you will never forget your son, you can see a future for yourself. It may not seem like it just now but I promise you it will happen, but this journey lasts a lifetime so there is no hurry, it just takes time.

Some gentle advice for you when you feel up to going out and about again is have a short answer prepared for people who don't know you lost your son, one of the hardest things I found was the unexpectedness of people asking about my baby and I would stand there not knowing what to say, so please be aware that some people won't have heard about your son and they will ask you, if you have an answer ready in your head then you are less likely to break down in the middle of the supermarket if someone asks how your pregnancy is going.

The only thing that you and your partner can do to help each other is to keep talking, its all too easy when you have lost your child to not want to 'burden' your partner with your upset because you are worried about upsetting them more, but you need to remember you are sharing the same pain, maybe he feels that he should be protecting you and thats why he isn't talking to you about your son so much?

When you feel up to it there are things like Angel Funds that you can set up in your sons name and donate to charity, or there are online memorial places like Gone Too Soon where you can set up a 'garden' and write to him when you feel like it, some people find these things very helpful, others prefer to grieve in private and that is fine too, there is no 'right' way to grieve.

Once again I am so very, very sorry for your loss xxxx

BassDownLow Tue 09-Apr-13 10:39:48

I am so sorry for your loss. Words can't cover it. You must be devestated.

You have been through the hardest thing anyone could ever go through - please look in to getting some support through SANDS when you feel able to.

Sending you love and strength x

Velve Tue 09-Apr-13 10:33:09

I'm so sorry. I've lost a baby too so I know there's nothing I can say to help you.
All I can say is that you don't ever "get over it", you will never stop mourning him, but you will come to accept that that is how it will be. You will also always think of the what ifs because, really, it just means you are human. You miss your baby. He was and is yours, part of you. It is the biggest loss I have ever known or will ever know and I'm sure it is the same for you. But the intensity will start to lessen with time.

If you do not want to go to councelling (I didn't either, but SANDS are great so you can talk to them at any point in the future) I would strongly suggest you sign up for the forum on the SANDS website. There are so many parents who are in you situation and the support you get from people who have been there and are going through what you are is amazing. It really helps, at least, it did help me.

Cry, cry as much as you want. Don't let anyone tell you you need to move on, ever.
If you want to talk or rant or shout, please feel free to PM me.

I wish you strength. xx

PicardyThird Tue 09-Apr-13 10:24:53

Oh, you poor darling. I'm so sorry that your beautiful, much-loved and wanted son died.

You have protected him, you made a loving protective brave decision to let him go peacefully.

Again, I am so sorry.

everlong Tue 09-Apr-13 10:19:05

I'm so so sorry.

This initial period of grieving is really quite terrible. You feel unreal, like you will not be able to live with your loss and that you just want to hide.

I promise you that as time goes on this intensity starts to ease.

I think phoning the numbers given and speaking to someone is a really good idea. It's so hard to do this alone.

Keep talking to us too.

Do you want to tell us your sons name? Don't worry if you don't. But if you want to talk about him that's fine too.

Annabel7 Tue 09-Apr-13 07:37:03

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. You have made an incredibly tough, kind and brave decision. You should be proud of yourselves for being able to do that and must allow yourself to grieve for your son. I think you are as entitled as anyone to do so - perhaps more so given the situation. Hug from me...

dizzyhoneybee Tue 09-Apr-13 07:23:27

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious boy.
Have you considered contacting SANDS?
Sands National Helpline: 020 7436 5881

munchkinmaster Tue 09-Apr-13 07:16:56

I am so sorry. I can't help but think about how selfless you have been. You gave up your chance to continue to carry him and hold him (even briefly) to save him the pain he would have experienced. You are the best mother he could have had.

I've never experienced this but with other bereavements I would say it gets easier inch by inch. I think sands are also very helpful.

LittleAbruzzenBear Tue 09-Apr-13 07:09:50

I'm so very sorry for your loss. flowers and very un-MN [hugs]

missmapp Tue 09-Apr-13 07:06:17

I am so sorry for your loss. Please contact one of the suggested oranisations, of course you can- you lost a beloved son because you choose to keep him from pain and suffering. You are a loving and caring Mum.
Keep strong.

LadybirdsAreFab Tue 09-Apr-13 07:04:33

I am so sorry for your loss.

We had to make this decision at 19 weeks, we thought hard and made the best decision for us and the baby.

We chose to have an abortion, we didn't know the sex as we thought this would help.

DH thought he had to be strong for me, talking to his step mother helped him.

The SANDS website helped me. I never wrote anything, just reading helped, we were not alone, we would get through it.

We live overseas and couldn't talk to anyone. It was one of my doctors that helped me.

I fell pregnant 3 months later and we now have a beautiful, healthy, cheeky four year old girl.

The pain never goes it just gets quieter. July is a bad month for me as my baby was due then.

OhBotheration Tue 09-Apr-13 06:48:13

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Frills.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but what name did you give him?

It is so early in the days of your grief. I haven't lost a child, but I know that grief never goes, you live with it and there will be easier days.

I have spent time on the SANDS website and I would also recommend ARC. Both amazing organisations and they helped me when I was in a similar position to you. Counselling will help you.

Please don't be horrible to yourself, you did nothing wrong. Like any mother, you only wanted to make the right decision for your child and you did.

I wish you strength and peace x

Itsallinthename Tue 09-Apr-13 06:47:18

So so sorry for your loss.

I can't imagine what your going through but what is obvious from your post is that you loved your little boy very much and grazie
made your decision out of love for him. I can only echo what bearandcub said, let yourself grieve. You did what would cause the least pain and suffering for your child please don't beat yourself up over your choice.

Counselling will give you an opportunity to talk through all your emotions to someone removed, they will support you to come to terms with your feelings.


FrillsandLaces Tue 09-Apr-13 06:36:22

I keep trying not to be horrible to myself - i am my own worst enemy. Logically i know i couldnt do anything to help him and we made the kindest choice for him, but then another part of me feels like i let him down. Im his mum, i was meant to protect him. I know im just torturing myself, i just cant stop the horrible thoughts creeping in.

Yes, the hispital gave us numbers of support groups we could join if we wish, the grouosvwere for stillborns and miscarriges though and i dont feel like we fall into either category x

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