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My husband died

(197 Posts)
minkulus Fri 05-Apr-13 22:09:22

I have 2DCs. Daughter 8 and son 2 1/2. I have spoken to my Dd about her daddy, but how the hell do I explain it to the 2 yr old.
Dad was away a lot with work so his absence has not been noted yet. What do I do?
Sorry it's a bit blunt but I'm stunned and can't face it.

xigris Fri 05-Apr-13 22:48:12

I can't imagine how that must feel. Your brain must be in overdrive. I've been involved in similar situations (I'm a nurse) and know that sometimes the sheer amount of organisation that's required can be overwhelming. And that on top of the grief and emotions. I wish there was something more tangible that we could do for you. Keep talking on this if it's helping

chickydoo Fri 05-Apr-13 22:48:51

Am so very sorry for your loss.
Take each hour at a time. Kids are amazingly resilient. Be kind to yourself & accept as much help as you need.

minkulus Fri 05-Apr-13 22:49:44

Im going up to my boy now; he's woken up! I will be back here in the morning.thank you all.

Violetroses Fri 05-Apr-13 22:50:00

There is a charity called Winstons Wish which supports bereaved children. Their website is very good, and may be of use to you.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Fri 05-Apr-13 22:50:05

I have no advice but just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.

Sending you much love & strength x

neolara Fri 05-Apr-13 22:53:46

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

My friend lost her husband a few years ago and had to explain things to her then 2yo dd. She took advice from the charity Winstons Wish which supports bereaved children. I think she spoke to someone on the phone a couple of times, although if you don't want to do this, there is lots of advice on the website. I know my friend found them tremendously helpful.

xigris Fri 05-Apr-13 22:54:11

flowers I hope you both get some sleep flowers

Gingerandcocoa Fri 05-Apr-13 22:54:58

I've been at the other end of your situation - I lost my dad when I had just turned 10. If I can give you one advice, is that I was too young and not close enough to my father to grieve. I wanted to go to school straight away and just pretend that nothing had happened. I really wish my mum would have helped me through that, it's something that has really impacted my life. I can say that 20 years later, I still feel the effects of not grieving properly.

(I am really sorry for your loss, and I can only tell you that it will be ok in the end)

morethanpotatoprints Fri 05-Apr-13 22:55:04

I am so very sorry for you and your family, I wish I had practical advice but I don't just wanted to offer sympathy xxx

BriansBrain Fri 05-Apr-13 23:01:30

I'm so pleased to see Winston wishes linked, they really are fantastic.

Don't worry about posting short and sharp or just what you need to get out without replying, MN is great at just being there for you and you only x

Would you like to post where you are incase any one is local enough to help with practical RL stuff, do you have RL help?

FIFIBEBE Fri 05-Apr-13 23:07:00

My father died when I was 4 and I remember it hardly being mentioned to me. I knew something was happening,but distinctly remember being told all would be fine and not to make a fuss. As a child I know it was something we didn't talk about and even now 41 tears later my family hardly mention him. My only advice would be to talk to them as you grieve. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

EggsEggSplat Fri 05-Apr-13 23:14:58

Minkulus, so sorry.

I was in almost exactly your position nearly seven years ago, when my DCs were 8 and three. We were all living overseas when DH died suddenly, and I had to deal with all the nightmare bureaucracy of post mortems and getting permission to repatriate his body to the UK. It took nearly a month to arrange the funeral in the end.

Do you have anyone to help with the bureaucracy? DH's colleagues in the overseas office were incredibly helpful - does your DH's employer have anyone else on the ground out there? The embassy/consulate also went out of theirway to be helpful, though it probably helped that a lot of them knew him personally.

To be honest, looking back, I think that having the bureaucracy and organisation (we had to move back to the UK because if his death, so at the same time as the funeral stuff I was also sorting out schools and somewhere to live) to focus on was what kept me going rather than collapsing in a heap.

As far as the children are concerned, what mine seemed to want was as much normality as possible. Their worlds had been turned upside down, and everything was going to change, so the routines of going to school etc seemed to be a comfort to them. I second Winston's Wish for advice, and you might find the Merry Widow discussion board useful for support - it was set up for young widows/widowers.

I'll be back with more later, but I just wantto say that bleak as everything seems now, you and the children will get through this and be OK.

EggsEggSplat Fri 05-Apr-13 23:19:41

Oh, and as far as explaining to the 2yo, I think being as simple, direct and honest as you can is the way to go. No 'gone to sleep' etc. Death as a permanent thing is a hard concept to grasp at that age, so beprepared to have to repeat yourself a lot. It took a few weeks for DD to stop talking about "when/if Daddy comes back to life..." sad

PariahHairy Sat 06-Apr-13 00:02:44

Oh I'm so so sorry to hear this, much sympathies.

Like pp said I think it's good to just give simple and honest answers to your 2yo, children do deal with it in very different ways.

Hope you get the support you need at such a terrible time.

My Dad died when I was 15 (much older than your children I know) but I think I did return to a normal routine quite quickly, going out with friends etc even though I was still grieving. My Mum was pretty "absent" in the parenting stakes for awhile understandably, just keep talking to them and mentioning him, even if it's very upsetting at first, I do wish you well and undoubtedly it will be bearable with time.

ExcuseTypos Sat 06-Apr-13 00:06:52

So very very sorry thanks.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Sat 06-Apr-13 00:09:39

I am so very sorry to hear about your husband. I second getting in touch with Winston's Wish

crushedintherush Sat 06-Apr-13 00:14:12

So very sorry, my thoughts are with you thanks

Evenstar Sat 06-Apr-13 00:40:54

I am so sorry for your loss, my DH died suddenly nearly 5 years ago away from home. My children were a lot older than yours, my heart goes out to you, I can still remember the look on my youngest son's face when I told him as if it was yesterday. There is a wonderful book called Is Daddy Coming Back In A Minute It is written by the mum of a three year old from the child's perspective and I think would be a great help to you. I have had a lot of support from a group called WAY Widowed and Young (the lady who wrote the book is a fellow member). Please feel free to PM me if you have questions or would like a chat.

Tortington Sat 06-Apr-13 01:01:07

so sorry for your loss xxxxxxxxxxx

scottishmummy Sat 06-Apr-13 01:14:35

1st so sorry what a shock.
Keep it factual,understandable,daddy got sick, he's not here now we miss him
Who's there for you?any good pals?day by day,minute by minute to get by.
Legally, financially do you need assistance?

madasa Sat 06-Apr-13 07:57:45

So sorry....thinking of you x

BellaVita Sat 06-Apr-13 08:08:27

I am so sorry sad xxxx

mumof2teenboys Sat 06-Apr-13 08:36:59

So sorry for your loss. My thoughts and love are with you.

minkulus Sat 06-Apr-13 11:08:59

God, what a morning again. Woken up by a courier bringing my husband's belongings. He's not even been returned to the uk but his computer is here! It's so weird. The phone has been mercifully quite quiet, but lots of emails and more paperwork to deal with.
I still have to cancel flights and hotels etc : freelancer so therefore no one to do that from the other end.
I have ordered the book linked by Evenstar. Thank you for that recommendation.
I will try to call some of the organisations, but my son is like a limpet today. Guess he's picking up on the atmosphere sad.
Just trying to work out what the next steps are.
Hoping my parents might come over later, but my son is not keen on being with them,; he associates them with my being in the hospital recently. Thinks mummy is going away. Poor little sods, my kids have been through so much recently. It has got to get better.

NotTreadingGrapes Sat 06-Apr-13 11:15:18

So sorry. xx

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