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My best friend has killed himself.

(41 Posts)
Fleurdebleurgh Tue 05-Mar-13 13:56:22

I dont know if this is the right place to post as they havent actually recovered his body yet, but i cant talk to anyone about it in real life because of the mixed reactions im getting.

My dearest bestest friend of 15 years has finally succumbed to his mental health problems and killed himself.
We lived together for 5 years in our teens/early twenties, he is the only person that i could trust with my life.
In the time that ive known him hes had a pretty shit life to say the least, he grew up in care because his mother killed herself and his father and stepmum were abusive. He has self harmed for around 19years,
He also suffered from various mental health problems from anxiety to schizophrenia, BPD , body dysmorphia, depression to name a few.
2 years ago he beat cancer, but the chemotherapy caused him physical problems that he shouldnt have had to deal with at such a young age.
He has previously tried to kill himself 6/7 times in the time ive known him, but there are always big fat warning signs, he ALWAYS calls me and i always find him. He usually plans to be found. But this time he didnt.

25th February he left his flat, with a note, and disappeared. The police believe he has drowned himself, but they dont search the canal for suicides, so all we can do is wait.

We are facing potentially another 2 weeks of uncertainty as to his whereabouts. I dont actually know what we are meant to do.
I am fine for large parts of the day and then the guilt hits me and i cry for hours. I still have a job to hold down and 3 wonderful dc's to look after.
Im calling the police every day for news and they have none. Just wait is all they are telling me.

Its not really a massive suprise that he wont make old bones, we always expected to deal with this sooner rather than later, but now that its happened its so fucking hard to deal with.
Part of me is happy hes free from all the shit, part of me wants to know why he didnt call me, was he upset with me? should i have been there?

I dont really know where to go from here so if anyone has any advice id like to hear it. x

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 26-Mar-13 18:06:47

fleur, im so sorry sad

but as i said its also closure, as before there was always the what if still alive - and now you can start to grieve and emotions will be running high

i hope you have lots of support in the rw

thinking of you xx

tribpot Tue 26-Mar-13 18:24:28

Very sorry to read this, Fleur. Sorry that hope has gone, but uncertainty has gone too. I think from what you've written the reason he didn't call you this time is because he didn't want to be found or stopped in time. It was no reflection on you, just on the seriousness of his intention this time.

Take care of yourself.

Fleurdebleurgh Wed 18-Sep-13 13:40:09

Have been invited to the inquest into his death on november 5th.

Can anyone with experience tell me what to expect there?
I dont want to see photograhs.

echt Tue 24-Sep-13 02:02:52

I'm sorry for your loss, Fleur, possibly put up another thread to ask what to expect at an inquest? I'm sure you'll get replies then.

MrsGWay Sat 28-Sep-13 13:12:47

Hello, sorry you are having to go through this.
If you ring the Coroner's office I am sure that somebody will be happy to talk with you about what to expect and can tell you if there will be photographs. In any case I do think it will be a harrowing experience but at the same time may help in the long run. I went to my brother's and you do find out things you probably didn't want to know, but it does help to understand a bit more.
Trying to find answers and why it happened is one of the worst things about suicide.

mrsbob Sat 28-Sep-13 15:52:56

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I attended my BIL inquest. There were no photographs and the way he killed himself was talked about in a very matter of fact way with very few details. The coroner was very professional and read the statements given by my husband (as next of kin) and the policeman in charge of the investigation had to speak. The whole thing only lasted about 30 minutes and although very difficult, it was not as bad as I anticipated. I was surprised to see a reporter from the local paper there. Fortunately we were the first case of the day so the court room was empty apart from us, the policeman, the reporter and the court professionals. The policeman in charge of the investigation talked us through what would happen before we went in. I hope that makes sense. I feel like I've rambled a bit. Take care of yourself. x

Blondeshavemorefun Mon 07-Oct-13 23:32:47

I was summoned to dh inquest

Tbh it wasn't as bad as I thought / expected but it was hard

No photos - just facts from policeman who were there on the day

Sadly there were scumbag reporters there who write down everything

Policeman also got dh name wrong on one of the reports and I rem saying that's not his name and can't you get facts right - or something like that

Took about 20mins and verdict was death due to an unbalanced mind - which I thought was true sad

Hope the day goes as well as can

Fleurdebleurgh Fri 19-May-17 14:58:11

Feel devestatingly sad today for no particular reason. It's not even an anniversary. Fuck sake.

3littlebadgers Fri 19-May-17 15:03:56

flowers hand to hold. As you well know grief comes in waves. We can be strong when we worry we can't and then out of the blue we come crashing down for no reason.

Goldfishjane Fri 19-May-17 15:05:52

Hugs. And fleurs for a fleur. flowers

ConfidentlyUnhinged Fri 19-May-17 20:30:30

He should be here though Fleur. Sometimes it just hurts more than others because every day he should be here. X

Fleurdebleurgh Sat 20-May-17 21:23:21

Thanks guys. Was a blip in the road. Today has been brighter and less emo. He should still be here, it's our birthdays next week and we always had a suitably messy celebration. I've not left the house on my birthday for the last 4 years.... It's pants.

Expat38matt Wed 24-May-17 04:05:21

Hi Fleur
I'm so sorry for your loss. My girlfriend took her own life in September and it left everyone reeling. So many questions and different feelings. I posted and got some amazing and comforting advice I'll try and find the thread for you.

My mum sent me some comforting words which I've cribbed for you

Suicide in particular is terrible and tragic because you will always ask "if only....I could have done something to prevent it happening?"....It is difficult to accept that the answer is sadly, NO. If Your friend was determined *(and had been for some time), no-one, even the love of her family and friends could have stopped him

It is also very understandable to feel extremely angry with him at committing such an extremely selfish act which has inflicted so much misery. However, when a coroner gives a verdict at an inquest, they state "this person took their life, whilst not of sound mind". He was not thinking rationally. No doubt, he truly believed that everyone was better off without him. (He will never know how wrong that was and how much pain his death, and the manner of it, caused everyone close to him).

Someone once said "what you cannot change...you must endure and, in the end accept". That is the way of death and grief. Tell yourself you did the best you could. Mourn him. Talk about him. Remember the good times. Love and hug your own family. Then go on to live your life

I also take some comfort in the fact that my friend had tried several times and clearly it was what she wanted so in a weird way I tried to feel ok and "happy" for her that she was finally in a place of peace

Love to u xx

Expat38matt Wed 24-May-17 04:06:03

Here is my thread where I received some comforting words
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/2862799-Missing-my-friend

Charlie97 Fri 26-May-17 14:32:55

I read this at my brothers funeral, I felt it so fitting.

I'm so very sorry for your loss

May your spirit soar in freedom

From the fears that gripped so tight.
May you find the peace you searched for
As you wandered, lost, in the night.

May your tortured mind be clear and calm
And your tender heart be warm.
May you have no need for strength now.
May there ne'er be another storm.

May the music of the angels
Be the sweet sounds that you hear.
As you're rocked in Heaven's cradle
May you ne'er shed another tear.

I'll wear your memory proudly,
My only brother...my true friend.
May my love for you reach Heaven above
Until we meet again.

Fleurdebleurgh Fri 26-May-17 20:52:48

Beautiful text Charlie!

Have had a good read of your thread Expat, it's always comforting to know someone has felt similar. X

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