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My best friend has killed himself.

(41 Posts)
Fleurdebleurgh Tue 05-Mar-13 13:56:22

I dont know if this is the right place to post as they havent actually recovered his body yet, but i cant talk to anyone about it in real life because of the mixed reactions im getting.

My dearest bestest friend of 15 years has finally succumbed to his mental health problems and killed himself.
We lived together for 5 years in our teens/early twenties, he is the only person that i could trust with my life.
In the time that ive known him hes had a pretty shit life to say the least, he grew up in care because his mother killed herself and his father and stepmum were abusive. He has self harmed for around 19years,
He also suffered from various mental health problems from anxiety to schizophrenia, BPD , body dysmorphia, depression to name a few.
2 years ago he beat cancer, but the chemotherapy caused him physical problems that he shouldnt have had to deal with at such a young age.
He has previously tried to kill himself 6/7 times in the time ive known him, but there are always big fat warning signs, he ALWAYS calls me and i always find him. He usually plans to be found. But this time he didnt.

25th February he left his flat, with a note, and disappeared. The police believe he has drowned himself, but they dont search the canal for suicides, so all we can do is wait.

We are facing potentially another 2 weeks of uncertainty as to his whereabouts. I dont actually know what we are meant to do.
I am fine for large parts of the day and then the guilt hits me and i cry for hours. I still have a job to hold down and 3 wonderful dc's to look after.
Im calling the police every day for news and they have none. Just wait is all they are telling me.

Its not really a massive suprise that he wont make old bones, we always expected to deal with this sooner rather than later, but now that its happened its so fucking hard to deal with.
Part of me is happy hes free from all the shit, part of me wants to know why he didnt call me, was he upset with me? should i have been there?

I dont really know where to go from here so if anyone has any advice id like to hear it. x

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Tue 05-Mar-13 14:00:41

How sad, you couldn't have prevented it though so please don't blame yourself, your crying is a natural response and the uncertainty must be awful. Have you tried Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide? They help people in your situation.

SpringHare Tue 05-Mar-13 14:06:30

I'm so sorry to see this, I can't imagine how sad you must feel. It sounds like you were an amazing friend to him throughout his life. Please don't feel guilty, though I know that's easy to say. I found the Samaritans very helpful when I was struggling with feelings of responsibility about a suicidal friend, and they really made me see that there was only so much I could do. They were very happy to talk to me. Thinking of you.

Fleurdebleurgh Tue 05-Mar-13 14:17:40

Thank you for your replies. I will have a look at that site.

He asked me so many times if i loved him enough to let him go and i said that i did. I told him i would be strong for him and i wouldnt let it ruin my life. I promised him i wouldnt cry.

I cant stick to any of what i said.

JandT Tue 05-Mar-13 14:21:03

I'm really sorry this has happened. All I can say is that he wouldn't have been upset with you, just knew he couldn't do it if you were around. sad

Dinosaurhunter Tue 05-Mar-13 14:28:25

I'm so sorry this has happened to you be kind to yourself it sounds like you we're a amazing friend and support to him x

spanky2 Tue 05-Mar-13 14:34:24

I am sorry too.sad

JollyGolightly Tue 05-Mar-13 14:40:45

It sounds as though he really, really wanted to die, and there's nothing more you could have done to prevent it. He had a hard life, and your love and support made it bearable for longer. Let yourself feel what you need to, and cry as much as you want-you've a hard journey ahead and you will need to be less hard on yourself. I am very sorry that you have to go through this.

Timetoask Tue 05-Mar-13 14:45:27

You are a good friend, you were there for him when he needed you. Unfortunately this time it seems he really didn't want to be helped. Poor man, had to deal with so much, but, you should be pleased to have been a true friend to him. A true friend is a treasure so difficult to find.
May he rest in peace.

Fleurdebleurgh Tue 05-Mar-13 16:34:28

I have the unenviable task of informing his remaining family too, as i am down as his next of kin.

How can i tell his dad, who is in poor health himself that hes gone.

elfycat Tue 05-Mar-13 16:44:44

Sorry to hear about your friend.

When you told him you would be strong enough to let him go it didn't mean you have to do it all at one go. And not today.

If you need to call people can I suggest that you write it down on a piece of A4 what you plan to tell them so if you find yourself getting a lump in your throat you have something to read from. It might give you enough focus. You don't have to use it if the words come freely. And don't feel that you can't cry with them.

It might be best to give a couple of quick clues (learned this from nursing).

Hi it's *
I've heard some very bad news.
You might want to sit down.
It's about *
He hasn't been heard of in *, and then a note was found. I'm afraid the police think * but he hasn't been found yet.

By the time you say it his father will have realised. It will still be a total shock when you say it but he's had time to sit down and prepare.

Then make him find someone who can sit with him for a while, if not you. Get a number and call them yourself to ask for their help. He'll need it.

Best wishes and take care of yourself.

Cremolafoam Tue 05-Mar-13 17:38:18

I'm so so sorry FDB.
I lost a friend last summer.
Think of ways to look after yourself.
Spend time alone if it helps or with other people if it doesn't. Seek professional help from Cruse or another charity as quickly as you can. You will need help, and a neutral non- judgy ear to talk to. It really will help to talk to the right neutral person. Don't expect anyone else to feel the same as you, because everyone's pain is slightly different and personal. Treat yourself at least once a day , be it a bath, a little trip, or somewhere you liked to spend time with your friend.
Get as much sleep as you can- if anyone asks if they can help say yeas- please mind the dc's while I put my head down for an hour.
Much love to you .Know you are a beautiful and kind friend.

weegiemum Tue 05-Mar-13 17:45:14

I'm so sorry to hear this.

I've seriously attempted suicide 3 times but always been rescued (though I very much tried not to!!) and now I'm glad of it.

So i can see your issue with your friend.

Suicide is, in my experience, a chance to say how hatdvyour life is. Not an "excuse" as is so often said. It's a "way out" even though it's not really.

I have also lost 2 friends to suicide. It's one of the worst deaths. I don't know how you cope - I know I didn't cope well.

Pm me if you want.

futuresandpasts Tue 05-Mar-13 17:45:42

So many wise people on this thread . So sorry fdb and Cremolafoam .

lougle Tue 05-Mar-13 17:52:16

I'm so sorry you are facing this. Keep posting if it is helpful.

BIWI Tue 05-Mar-13 17:55:00

I'm so sorry sad. But please don't feel guilty. There is no way that you should be.

Re notifying his family - can the police not do that, rather than you?

Fleurdebleurgh Wed 06-Mar-13 09:31:04

Thanks for the practical advice. Its pretty hard to know what youre meant to do in a practical sense when something like this happens, its not something they hand out leaflets on or you expect to need to know about.

I met with another of his friends last night, 2.5hr journey there and back. Wasnt sure about going as i didnt know him, but so glad i did. He gave me a lot of answers to the questions i had, he was such a lovely lovely guy it was really cathartic.

We talked alot about the next stage, apparently the police have informed his sister but she said she didnt care, so hopefully we wont have to deal with her interfering in the later stages.

ssd Wed 06-Mar-13 09:37:50

am so so sorry fdb xx

ScentedNappyHag Wed 06-Mar-13 09:40:12

I'm so sorry for your loss OP sad thanks Be kind to yourself.

Cremolafoam Thu 07-Mar-13 22:48:29

How are you FDB?
Thinking about youthanks

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Wed 13-Mar-13 11:38:26

So sorry for your loss.

You sounds like you were an amazing friend, the best he could have had.

Thinking of you thanks

sybilfaulty Wed 13-Mar-13 11:48:20

So sorry for your loss.

Dont forget, too, that the Samaritans are a listening service for anyone, not just for people who have troubled thoughts themselves. If you need to talk to a RL person but cannot confide in anyone, would you try them?


Take good care thanks

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 19-Mar-13 03:24:28

Till the police find a body it's hard to have closure - plus there's small chance that your friend isn't dead

I'm sorry for what you are going through. From what you have said it sounds like your friend had had enough of life - though also if he usually called you meant he wasn't 100% sure he wante to die - as in was serious cries of help

I know how you are feeling - my dh committed suicide almost 2 years ago - Tbh can't believe it's almost his anniversary again sad

You will go through various emotions of guilt sadness anger - though I totally understand when you say you are happy he is relived of his shit

I felt the same about mark - obv I never wanted or expected him
To kill his self - but he also suffered from deep depression and felt killing his self was his only way out

And through fantastic counselling through CRUSE I do understand that

Message me if you want to chat x

Fleurdebleurgh Tue 26-Mar-13 17:06:34

Just had a call from the police liason officer. They found him this morning.

Orianne Tue 26-Mar-13 17:14:24

So sorry Fleur.

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