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Am I In denial? - My Dads died

(23 Posts)
nailak Wed 27-Feb-13 02:47:53


My dad has died after a second stroke, he is in SA and me in UK.

In dec when he had the first one I went over there to see him, he saw kids etc.
He died Monday, around this time. In hospital.

I feel normal. A bit confused, But I want to just get on with things, and live life like normal.

I feel like I should be devastated. But I am just normal. I am laughing with friends sometimes like normal.

I googled "am i in denial?" but it says denial means not accepting the death, feeling shock, life makes no sense, we dont know how to go on etc, I dont feel like this.

Is there something wrong with me?

Am I cold and unfeeling?

Has it just not sunk in yet? Is it because of distance and I am not used to having him around anyway?

Please someone tell me they know how I feel.

ThinkAboutItOnBoxingDay Wed 27-Feb-13 03:03:33

I'm really sorry about your dad.

You are normal. It sounds like shock is causing a delayed reaction. Don't worry about the reaction, nothing will seem to make much sense at the moment, emotions are odd.

I also found it took a long time for my dad dying to sink in properly because we lived a long way away so it wasn't something that hit daily.

Having said that i did react very strongly initially, but it was quite a strong surface reaction. The impact of the bigger reality of never seeing him again takes a long time. Years.

Take care of yourself.

Monty27 Wed 27-Feb-13 03:17:13

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Yes it is shock and disbelief.

What do you need to do? There's always stuff to do. The pain will come later, believe me.

Big hug x

Eskino Wed 27-Feb-13 03:20:00

There is no 'rule book' on how to feel when someone close dies.

What you are feeling is the proper response for you. I hope you'll be okay but there will be times when you are overcome by your grief, this is entirely normal too.

I spent a long time coming to terms with my brothers death, because he lived away I was convinced he was trying to call me, I wouldn't talk on the phone incase he was trying to get through, I would wake to the sound of him calling me. Sounds weird but this was my way of coping. I was actually accepting his death slowly, in small bits that my brain could manage, instead of the whole situation which would have been too overwhelming.

Give yourself time, go easy on yourself and try not to take too much on right now, spend time with your family and talk about him with others who knew him well.

Monty27 Wed 27-Feb-13 03:21:30

Do you have dc's?

How are you?

MrsHelsBels74 Wed 27-Feb-13 03:23:14

Sorry to hear about your dad.

There is no 'right way' to feel after a bereavement. We all react in different ways. It may also be that you were 'resigned' (for want of a better word) to the thought of him dying after he had the first stroke & were already starting the grieving process subconsciously then. I know it's totally not the same thing but I was more upset when our dog had her first stroke than when she had the second one & had to be put to sleep. I'm am in no way comparing your father to my dog but hope it illustrates what I'm clumsily trying to explain.

The grief may hit you at some point in the future when you're least expecting it, as a previous poster suggested. Please don't beat yourself up about how you 'should' be feeling.

nailak Wed 27-Feb-13 10:08:19

I am 28 with 3 docs.

I think maybe I was resigned. I just keep analysing why am I not sad. Maybe I am distracting myself from actually thinking he is gone. I don't know. I a, confused.

Bluemary3000 Wed 27-Feb-13 15:27:31

My mum died very suddenly when I was 27. It's been nearly 10 years since her death and I remember everything as if it was yesterday.
I was very young and didn't deal with it particularly well. I was very strong just after it happened and only broke down once at the funeral. It took a good year of partying before my brain (not me) decided that enough was enough and phoned a councillor and went and had a chat. The issues for me that I thought were causing me to not move on, turned out to something entirley different to what i thought.
As everybody says there is no hard and fast rule to grieving and everyone is Different. Some start to grieve straight away, some later on and some try to deny it.
I would say face the fact that he has died, however it may be slightly longer as you probably didn't see him on a regular basis. It will be the stupid things that get you first, like not being able to pick up the phone and talk whenever you like.
My dh dad died last August and its the DIY jobs around the house that get him as it was his dad that always helped and gave him advice. Mine was not being able to ring my mum as the theme tune started at the end if eastenders!
It's good to talk about everything, don't feel bad about about opening up to your close friends. They will want to help.

nailak Wed 27-Feb-13 17:26:43


crescentmoon Wed 27-Feb-13 21:32:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eskino Thu 28-Feb-13 01:19:18

Are you able to talk with your family about your Dad?

nailak Thu 28-Feb-13 01:23:06

I cant seem to talk to my husband for some reason.

My family here my mum and bro werent really close to him, my half sis and him didnt talk at all.

My family there did more for him than me and he did more for them than me, and I dont know what to say to them.

CoteDAzur Wed 06-Mar-13 07:37:34

I'm sorry for your loss sad

There will be a time to grieve, I'm sure. Be kind to yourself.

nailak Wed 06-Mar-13 09:48:18

thanks cote

BitWearyReally Wed 06-Mar-13 17:41:54

Hi, yes I understand. My Dad died in December. He had been ill for five years and was very poorly in hospital for 10 weeks before he died. I was relieved, it was very grim visiting him and he had no idea really about what was going on. We were just waiting for the inevitable. It was such a lot to go through that I just wanted/want to switch off from it still. It's been 3 months and it's hitting me a bit more now, but I don't want to talk about it really. It's just the way I am I think. Years ago when I had a m/c I didn't discuss it for years. But now I can talk about it freely. Just the way I deal with stuff. I think it's difficult for my mum, she wants to go on about it all the time. I don't know what my other siblings are like, I haven't seen a great deal of them since the funeral. I don't want to either. It just reminds me of what we went through. I think you just have to be yourself really :-)

nailak Wed 06-Mar-13 20:53:18


fuckwittery Wed 06-Mar-13 21:13:11

it's the shock lovey, it's very normal. i was desperate to do normal things in the first couple of weeks after my mum died, it's natures way of protecting you from the grief and letting it sink in.

nailak Wed 06-Mar-13 22:10:18

i feel like i want to break down but cant let myself think or dwell on it

fuckwittery Fri 08-Mar-13 00:12:43

how are you feeling today? Can you help to to plan the funeral arrangements etc? (i know you were in different countries and not sure if you're flying over)
I found it really helpful to throw myself into practical arrangements for the funeral when my mum died, I could be busy organising without focusing on the grief and loss but also remembering my mum in a practical way. It must be odd being so far away from where he died, must add to your sense of detachment. Are there other family nearby.

nailak Fri 08-Mar-13 00:47:11

i cried only one day when i saw a programme and i thought i wanna ask my dad about that, and then realise i couldnt.

they had funeral already, in south africa they have it quickly,

I am not gonna go coz i already went dec and is expensive

my mum and bro are here and a half sis, but none of them were really close to him,

fuckwittery Sat 09-Mar-13 20:40:11

That's a shame about the funeral although can understand why you didn't go. is there something you can do here to mark his passing, perhaps visit a favourite spot of his with someone who was close to him?

mummytime Sat 09-Mar-13 20:43:22

If you need someone to talk to this charity can help.

nailak Sat 09-Mar-13 22:15:02

its a good idea, I will think of something I can do to remember him,

I will also check out the link thanks

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