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As we go through this painful journey together

(986 Posts)
lavandes Sun 10-Feb-13 21:24:05

As we go through this painful journey together we share, cry, scream and shout but we never judge, we know that there is always someone to listen. We always remember our precious children who will never be forgotten and will live on forever in our hearts.

lavandes Wed 27-Feb-13 06:54:05

Morning ladies x

shabbatheGreek Wed 27-Feb-13 07:09:23

Hiya Lavandes xx

lavandes Wed 27-Feb-13 07:14:54

Hi Shabs x

chipmonkey Wed 27-Feb-13 08:36:08

morning all !

cafecito Wed 27-Feb-13 23:14:00

hello - have been very awol. thinking of you all. had lots of exams followed by a fluey lurgy lasting weeeks. Haven't been sleeping (lots of nightmares) got so much work to do so little time..
feeling a bit out of sorts I guess
tomorrow's DD's birthday sad nobody remembers.

agree with everything frasersmummy has said about being a bereaved mummy. it becomes part of you, forever, but the pain is, everyday, less intensely searing after a number of years

cafecito Wed 27-Feb-13 23:16:03

congratulations white and 5boys !!!

just read 'normal is'. so spot on.

SaintVera Thu 28-Feb-13 10:50:13

cafe, thinking about your darling DD and you on her birthday. Have lit a candle xx

cafecito Thu 28-Feb-13 13:36:52

thank you smile x

Whiteandyellowiris Thu 28-Feb-13 16:24:57

Cafe thinking of you and your dd today

Silly question,but how are you doing.?

Whiteandyellowiris Thu 28-Feb-13 16:25:09

It's me white btw

Whiteandyellowiris Thu 28-Feb-13 16:37:48

Hi guys could really do with your advice about how to handle something, I think I've said on here before about how difficult I find a certain group friendship since ds died

Well I just don't know what to do, as when I get asked out by this group, I think I don't know if I want to go, I don't look forward to it, and often when it's been a sitting around someone's house chatting type thing I think, in my head, I don't want to be here.

And i just don't know what to do, ifnimshould just stop seeing them, or if I will only isolate myself further if I start avoiding things and cutting contact with people

It the chatting part I find difficult I just ind I'm more and more withdrawn

shabbatheGreek Fri 01-Mar-13 12:56:49

<<waves to everybody>> Hiya!! xxx

cafecito Fri 01-Mar-13 20:50:11

hiya shabs!

ho white, and thank you. It was a very hard day, because nobody knew, and I didn't hear from a single friend or family member.


I'm okay otherwise though, sorta, I have renewed focus on my studies, I'm waiting for some exam results. I have to plan a couple of electives and do a research study this year so I'd like to do things that are as DD-related as possible really, because it motivates me to succeed, and also I have a genuine clinical interest.

I have to see her grandparents (paternal) at the weekend. dreading it. they don't even remember it was her birthday. they always criticise me. I just feel like it's a huge chore and once it's out the way I will go back to avoiding them for another year. they're insisting on coming to my place (to snoop about, no doubt). eeuurggh

cafecito Fri 01-Mar-13 20:58:44

white I don't know about your group friendship. how was it before you lost DS?

I would say, if you don't enjoy it, why are you going- because you don't want to be reclusive? you feel it's linked to DS? or you don't want them to think stuff? or you feel you should?

I am 4 years down the line, and have spent the past 6 weeks or so being very antisocial. And I can feel it will continue a bit longer. But then maybe I will be normalish for a while. This is how it is with me. It's up and down. I am very antisocial sometimes. I see no point in tormenting myself sat meaninglessly at something I don't want to be at, discussing meaningless fairyland drivel, when I hve a. too much work to do, and b. far more of an idea of real problems and loss and life than anyone near me does. Recently, I have taken great pleasure in sneaking into lectures at the back door, or sitting at the front on my own and then dashing out asap - and completely avoiding people on my course. I just need space sometimes.

I don't worry I will become reclusive etc, because I still do other things (though recently have been swamped by exams and then an illness fluey thing) but I do make sure I go and do things that I enjoy. So no, I won't go out for drinks anymore unless I want to and yes, I will happily decline invitations, all the time, but I will make the effort to go to a dance class, or yoga class, regularly, and there's a whole different peer group there, so I am not withdrawing generally, but I am focusing on doing what I want to do.

was a bit p*ssed off yesterday I got harrassed on my fb wall by a few people who are having a g o at me because I haven't met them for drinks - telling me to give them a date- I replied I am sorry I have had a lot on (er,,,,, mutiple impossibe exams for a start) and not one of them realised it was DDs birthday. I just sat there and thought, yeah, this is why I have no interest in meeting you - I would be happier on my own, than sat inanely for the sake of it to make other people happy.

But I also think some people would say, you should keep going, because once you start to cut yourself off it's easy to continue and then it's harder to reemerge from that dark place. Do you have other social things you go to? If it's just this one group that make you feel like this, don't go.

whiteandyellowiris Sat 02-Mar-13 17:58:23

cafe, how are you today? i'm so sorry noone in your rl, remembered your dd's birthday, it was my ds's recently, and i was quite suprise the some people that i thought would remember didn't, well they didnt say anything to me if they did.
it really hurts doesn't it, remembering these special dates are so important to us

why are dds paternal gps coming?
could you put them off if you wanted too?

whiteandyellowiris Sat 02-Mar-13 18:06:50

as for me, well

before i lost dd, i felt fine in the group.
but i was v different then, upbeat, probably not shy at joining in, iyswim, life full of plans

thats the thing, i do enjoy seeing other friends. been with an old work friend today and had a lovely time.
and theres plenty of other friends i see, so its not as if these are the only people i see, although they are more in my day to day life due to living locally

i suppose feeling like i'm being talked about bothers me, although, i'm smart enough to realise this will happen regardless of what i do say or do

perhaps on the next meet up, i might genuinely feel upto it, esp if i get very sick again in this pg.

sometimes i feel like a lost sheep wandering around
trying to figure things out

cafecito Sat 02-Mar-13 20:02:29

white if you enjoy other friendships, then I would give this one a miss. We all know how painfully short life can be.

Others may say, go and it'll be good for you

But no, I think do whatever you like doing. Go again in future, yes, when you're at a higher ebb iyswim

yes it does really hurt about noone remembering- even my best friends, even my aunt, etc, nobody

I have today emailed the gps in response to a ratty email this morning saying 'see you at 10am' not 'is it still okay we come over at ...'

and I said I am not feeling well and it is not convenient, nd I have missed lecturs due to illness, so I won't be seeing them, but I am happy to see them next week. I also said, it was DDs birthday and perhaps that is not helping matters, as I feel quite run down.

these are the gps who said ''move on'' when I mentioned DD, as I spoke at that conference last year about her case, and who tell me to dropout of school and criticise everything I do. I am SO NOT IN THE MOOD argh

vent over

on the plus side, instead of manicaly cleaning my flat, I went out, had coffee, felt a bit better and bought a lovely stethoscope today the same colour as DDs eyes smile sounds weird eh but makes me feel better

cafecito Sat 02-Mar-13 20:04:34

as for being talked about, this could happen anyway. I no longer give a rat's arse (turning into the fabulous shabba I think grin ) being there won't stop it happening. and if they're the kind of people who will do that, well, doesn't that tell you something about this group?

whiteandyellowiris Sat 02-Mar-13 22:57:56

cafe, do you think theres any chance your bf or aunt remembered but was afraid to mention your dds birthday?
its shocking for gp's to say move on, i really hate hate that phrase, and all over forms of get over it hidden behind different words
move on
move forwards
i truely think your amazing with all your studying
your going to be an amazing dr

with these friends, it might be the whole group thing i'm not into, but alarm bells are ringing for some reason
also i feel a bit guarded around them, in a way i don't with other friends

whiteandyellowiris Sat 02-Mar-13 22:59:57

yeah, i totally agree, i really really must stop worrying about people feeling sorry for me, or talking about me
as its simply going to happen anyway

thanks for talking sense into me.

cafecito Sun 03-Mar-13 02:07:32

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”

cafecito Sun 03-Mar-13 02:10:12

I think this group aren't right for you right now. So don't bother with them at the moment.

no, the bf or the aunt or anyone didn't remember at all, it's not a case of 'oh it's today but we don't want to upset her so we won't say anything' it's definitely a case of not remembering. AIBU to expect someone , just one RL person, to remember? Maybe I am. But it's as if she never existed to anyone except to me. confused I think I am being unreasonable to expect or hop anyone would recall her - but it really does hurt, to realise nobody does. Hmm

whiteandyellowiris Sun 03-Mar-13 08:52:43

Hi cafe, I don't think yabu at all for wanting someone to remember your lovely dd
I am so sorry they didn't.

I love that poem. So true

What have you planned for today?

When I wiped last night after the I spotted the teeny tinyest spec of blood and I'm not too sure what to do. I'm supposed to be going in hospital for a scan on wed a six week one.

whiteandyellowiris Sun 03-Mar-13 10:42:20

just been to the loo again and there was three tiny spots of blood on wiping.

so i called the breavement midwife, who ive been under, shes going to tell the consultant tomorrow and shes gonna let me know if he wants to see me earlier than wed

guess theres nothing other to do than wait and see what happens, and wait and see if i get a phone call tomorrow, in a way i'd rather wait till wed for the scan, because im worried it will be too early to see anythng anyway.
not looking good

shabbatheGreek Sun 03-Mar-13 12:00:21

White - feet up sweetheart - try to relax and let everybody else do the work.....when I was pregnant with Matt I had a light period every month for the first three months. I managed to fall downstairs at my Mums and I had x rays done at the dentist without knowing I was pregnant. When I missed a period I went to the doctors and he confirmed that I was almost 4 months pregnant!!!! I was so scared.

I know its easy for me to say...but hard for you to do....try to relax and rest as much as possible.


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