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Please help me TODAY - Mum/DS's nanny is probably going to die this weekend.

(146 Posts)
StoicButStressed Fri 01-Feb-13 11:53:17

I can't believe I'm actually writing this. Or that need very urgent advice/guidance/experience that might help my three beautiful boys, all of whom love their nanny very much. My mum is about to die.

I had to take my Mama into hospital on August 13th last year as she was in >pain and had >nausea. We got there at about 10am. 2 hours later I was (unfortunately) WITH the radiologist as the grim digital image popped up showing a vast tumour in one lung and white snowspots (I.E. Mets/spread) throughout the other. I knew immediately that she had Lung Cancer, that was almost certainly stage 4, that she was going to die. That was confirmed not long after. She also developed bone cancer and cancer in her head (not brain, but head). She was still very 'alive' initially but went downhill quickly, losing most of her voice due to pressure on vocal cords, and obviously more 'out of it' as Morphine doses rose.

She deteriorated to point where 3 weeks ago had to be moved to a nursing home as Palliative Care at home just could not manage the painsad.

I & DS's could not see her for that first week in home as we had contagious icky bug, then the snow meant we literally could not get there for most of second week. When I first saw her there, was just agonising in how much had worsened. Frail, tiny, barely able to speak, drifting in and out of sleep. Last few days worsened yet more, with (literally) only a couple of minutes at most of lucidity before drifts to sleep/unconsciousness. But I genuinely thought we were still looking at few weeks minimum, or maybe even a couple of months. But today was told is now very opposite.

She is now really struggling to swallow tablets at all (which vital as her pain is so very horrific), so nurses told me this morning that she does now need a syringe driver put in, and that after that it would probably be 'quite quick'.

I asked them to please PLEASE just be very direct & honest with me, which they were and I do not doubt them as these are people with 40 years palliative type care experience each (so please please do not post telling me to hope for more etc, as if it is more that's amazing, but I can't really hope for that and HAVE to focus on realities RIGHT NOW). The 2 huge and SO sudden things are that once the syringe driver is in with the increased level of morphine she needs and the sedative that will also be in it, that they have been very clear she will not speak again - as it is even now, is literally just the odd period of lucidity and talking very quietly in tiny voice, or nod, but after this will be nothing and I don't doubt them. The second is that they believe she will go into a coma and pass this weekend, mid-next week at very latest in their opinion/experience. I honestly thought it would be at least a few more weeks yet so whilst me & DS's do know she is dying, this is very very sudden. And is worse given THEY too couldn't see her for the first 2 weeks of past 3 since in the nursing home.

I have asked them to hold off on the syringe driver until tonight so DS's (11, 18, 21) can see her and her speak to them as that will be the last time they do ever hear their nanny/can talk to her (though do know we can all carry on talking TO her as hearing is apparently very last to go). And - thank god - she has now managed to swallow her ton of meds this morning so they will last until 8pm. But literally - and I can't even believe I'm writing this - tonight is the last time my Mum will ever speak to me.

All I can think of is the boys and what/how to tell them - & also how the f*ck I am going to urgently get DS1 home (no, can already be certain he won't have the money for a train as is student and always runs out of cash and haven't even yet rung him as am absorbing news and trying sort all out very quickly) but he is in college in bloody Brighton and we are on outskirts Surrey/London border - but I have be here to get the other 2 from school soon and obv cannot then leave them, though cannot begin to think about how they will react (ESP 11yr old). And that's what I'm terrified of/need help with please?

So if you have ANY advice or experience etc for me about that, about how I can help them, how to phrase it - ANYTHING AT ALL that will help in this horrific and beyond time-critical situation, please please PLEASE help me as soon as soon as you can possibly can xxxxx

I really can't believe that my Mum is never going to speak to me again after tonight, or that they think my mum is going to die this weekend. Think am in total shock, but if you have ANYTHING that can help me help my boys, please please help me. xxxxxxxxthanks

StoicButStressed Wed 06-Mar-13 15:23:54

Dearest lovely MN angelssmile,

Wanted to thank you ALL so so much for all your help, & so wanted to let you know that service yesterday was JUST beautiful. And for anyone who wants to hear it, THIS - - is DS1 on guitar and singing yesterday at his Nanny's funeral; if find time, listen as it is just so amazing and poignant.

So it was beyond beautiful - just as YOU lot have been. Will NEVER forget the help and kindnesses been offered on MN in various OP's (which will also post this onto) throughout my Mother's illness; the shock and sudden being told HAD to get DS's up to see her; her passing; and then her funeral.

And, awesomely, have also raised nearly half of the £1,000 target on Mumma's page - - for the hospice that cared for her at home whilst ill but sadly she could NOT be in for those final weeks (hence the horror of the night before she died which is written on the page; and hence why DETERMINED to make a difference in her name and memory, & for those yet to tread this path).

Truly, just thank you all so very much for everything - can't find the words to say it loudly enough, or better than a simple 'thank you', as 'thank you' just does not come close. xxxthanksthanksthanks

maybeyoushoulddrive Mon 18-Feb-13 21:50:48

Sorry, didn't mean so many dos and don'ts! Have been writing as thoughts occur... Xxx

maybeyoushoulddrive Mon 18-Feb-13 21:48:53

stoic so sorry you're on your own. Family can behave really peculiarly sometimes... Your dcs will have ups and downs, which won't always coincide with yours. Glad you have been in contact with cruse.
I found the first few days I felt pretty frozen, I ended up watching real weepy films to try to allow myself to cry.
Your plans for your Mums funeral sound lovely. Just make sure it's what you can cope with. I couldn't even look at Mums coffin, photos would have pushed me over the edge. Are your dc happy to participate? My dd was lovely and looked after Dad throughout which was v sweet.
Don't put pressure on yourself to 'host' or entertain guests, do whatever you need for you and yours. Don't underestimate how exhausted you are, whatever you manage will be more than good enough.
Take care xxx

StoicButStressed Mon 18-Feb-13 21:12:38

Something - it was my sistersad, not a son or friend. So painful that she chose to be somewhere else/hold into previously made 'dinner' plans with a friend rather than see me as planned but later than given the paperwork awfulnesss ran over. Trying be strong, but equally recognise the 'value'(???) of allowing myself to grieve. Only one DS home at mo (DS2 17) & yesterday- i.e. day mumma/nanny passed - he was beyond amazing (truly frickin awesome) but i) he is back to very teen today and grieving in an 'angry' way (Cruse say this is normal and age appropriate) and has been a tad vile on occasions); & ii) do not want him to feel he has to carry burden of my own grief/pain.

About to try eat, as haven't really since Friday night. TY allthanks xxx

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 18-Feb-13 19:46:55

been thinking of u often, the first few weeks are grim and am hoping you are strong and look after yourself and your boys. glad you are getting to have the funeral you want for your skim.much love to get you through x

something2say Mon 18-Feb-13 18:24:45

Hello Stoic,

I have been checking into your thread since you started it and am so sorry to hear the news. Xxxx. Sorry also that your friend can't meet you, did you mean your son or your friend? Have you got anybody in rl to be with?

Thinking of you xxx

StoicButStressed Mon 18-Feb-13 16:58:16

Thank you all. And sending all best to Maybe for Weds xx And Maybe you are so so right re rollercoastersad. Started thread this morning asking lovely MN'ers for funeral advice (link below) and post just made there says it all. DS and I were meeting to discuss plans and to toast Mum, but she can't/isn't now as she is running late and is holding in to a plan she had for meeting a friend for dinner tonight. Have asked her please maybe change that and us meet as planned, albeit later, but she has refusedsad.

Am very sad and very lonely right now.

maybeyoushoulddrive Mon 18-Feb-13 14:35:59

Hi stoic sending big hugs to you.
You will be experiencing such swings of emotions now, relief mixed in with your grief.
I really hope you can have some time to slow down and rest a bit, but I know it feels like a neverending rollercoaster organising the funeral/family wishes etc.
If we can help at all, let us know, between us we've some experience of the decisions you will have to make. Also if you just want to rant and rage, we are here...
I'm currently at MILs - Mums anniversary is Wed - so I'm not on here everyday but I'll keep checking back (and avoid arguing with MIL who doesn't get I might not feel up to socialising...
Lots of love xxx

Praying4Beatrice Mon 18-Feb-13 12:45:31

I'm cutting down on the Internet for Lent but just popped in to see how you are. I'm so sorry that you've lost your dear mumma. May she rest in peace, and may you find some consolation and peace yourself. Big hugs.

FlouncingMintyy Sun 17-Feb-13 22:35:34

Bless you Stoic. When my Dad died not so long ago it was the most beautiful spring day with not a cloud in the sky. I found that strangely uplifting. I am sure that your darling Mumma was ready to go and I do hope you can find a way to be at peace with that in time.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Sun 17-Feb-13 22:29:55

Oh darling, so sorry for your loss.

She is at peace now.

God bless xx

Poppetspinkpants Sun 17-Feb-13 20:45:26

thanks From me as well.
So very sorry for your loss.

greencolorpack Sun 17-Feb-13 20:33:04

This happened to me last weekend, MiL died last Monday. My children all had a chance to say goodbye but only one of the three had anything to say. Ds said "I love you nan" and she said "I love you too (ds name)" and I am glad they did. But some children struggle to have "big" conversations, and that's OKAY.

In the past week they have been surprisingly calm and helpful. Moments of sadness from my ds who wears his heart on his sleeve.

Dreading the funeral.

All the best, sorry for your difficult time.

LottieJenkins Sun 17-Feb-13 20:30:19

Dear Stoic. I am sending love and prayers. My Wilf calls me Mumma so i was very touched to see you call(ed) your Mumma the same..............

Lostonthemoors Sun 17-Feb-13 20:28:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rowlers Sun 17-Feb-13 20:21:29

I'm really sorry, Stoic, for you and your mum.
I did read you earlier posts and haven't posted before now - I lost my mum to cancer almost two and a half years ago and still don't ever talk about it, I just can't.
I still cry for her every single day.
I wish you strength for your journey ahead. x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 17-Feb-13 20:09:39

So sorry for the loss of your beloved Mama, remember her and she's still in your heart; first get through each hour, then a day at a time.

JoyceDivision Sun 17-Feb-13 20:04:43

Sorry, Stoic, ever so sorry for your sad news sad

The only comment dh found helpful in the aftermath was that his mums suffering was over, i hope you and your family are finding comfort with this too.

bamboozled Sun 17-Feb-13 19:59:24

Sending lots of love to you and your lovely boys x

AmberHare Sun 17-Feb-13 19:55:38

So very sorry for you and your family.

CheerfulYank Sun 17-Feb-13 15:29:16

thanks and hugs, Stoic. Thinking of you.

CelticPromise Sun 17-Feb-13 14:18:52

Dear Stoic, I'm so very sorry.

There's no right or wrong way to get through it, do whatever you need to do. I hope it is helping in some tiny way to know your mum is not in pain any more. Sending some love to you and your family.

StoicButStressed Sun 17-Feb-13 13:09:57

Dear all.

I wanted to let all of you lovely people that my Mumma passed away this morning at 8.15. It is the most stunning day here with the bluest sky seen since last Summer and it is a beautiful day for her to pass. Thank you all for your kindnesses, you will never know how much you have helped me.


CelticPromise Sat 16-Feb-13 08:38:19

Gentle hugs to you Stoic.

Your mum's pain must be very distressing for you. If you or another family member feels you can, make a noise about it, complain, make it clear you aren't happy. Being difficult in this kind of situation can get you places, though it's tough to do. Can you contact the hospice for help even if she can't go there? Perhaps they have a community nurse?

I'll be thinking of you.

StoicButStressed Sat 16-Feb-13 06:58:53

Celtic - I'm so sorry for your losses and for your weeping, but I do feel blessed to have people like you, Alad, Suburb and all else posting on here as it is helping lots. Especially the ones with regard to her actual passing. I agree it will be a release, especially as she is - horrifically - NOT always pain free at the moment. Cannot tell you how desperately I wish that she was in the hospice rather than the 'Care Home With Nursing' she had to go into about 4 weeks ago. The staff are under-resourced for critical patients like her (there are only ever 2 nurses on duty so her PRN pain-relief can take forever given it needs BOTH those nurses to sign it out of CDR and to administer it), and they are not trained specifically for severe palliative care or end of life care.

Finding it harder and harder and am reminded of a lovely poster upthread who said she totally understood that thing of sometimes finding it easier to be almost anywhere than on the threads closest to home. Get that 100%, in some ways it is so much easier to almost act as if this wasn't happening and post as 'normally' would elsewhere on MN (IYKWIM???). Thank you and grateful hugs back to you allthanks.

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