How did you manage having your baby after losing your mum wks before?

[Dunnyjo]

I have posted on hear before, my mum passed away in feb and i am still finding it hard. Some days i find myslef putting her in a litle box in my mind and not let myself think about her. But my baby is due 30th may and i know i am going to find it so painfull that she wont be here. Has anyone else found it hard? what did you do to help you keep going without breaking down. I just cant beleive i wont see her smiling face, or have her to help me after the birth, you know the mother love help. She always knew how to make me feel better, her words were always right in my eyes. Reasuring and it always made me feel safe.
I have my dh by my side and my dad, sister who i know will be there but its not the same as having my mum there

[acnebride]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I have a friend locally who lost her mum about three weeks before having her second child. I can't give any personal experience but I can see she is finding it so hard. I hope someone will be along soon to help more.

[jamsam]

from personnel experience, it is hard. the closer to the death the worse it is, but give it time and concentrate on the baby and you. i know that sounds harsh, but to worry about someone who isnt there anymore at sucha hard time is silly, i felt an overwelming sense of releif when ds2 was finally born, almost as if it was an end to last horrible few weeks.
good luck XX

[Dunnyjo]

thank you for the replys. I know it will be better once baby is born because i can concentrate on baby and me as well as my ds who is 2. But i cant help but feel so lonely with this huge gap that is in my life. The fact we were so close is so painful. We are are very close family and i am so grateful to have my dad and sister left, but it does not make the pain any less. we are all still walking around in shock because it was so quick and unexected.

[acnebride]

donnyjo you sound as if you are in so much pain.
I wonder if you have tried \link{http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/\Cruse Bereavement Care}, they have an email address too (I know I find it hard to ring helplines).

[wilbur]

dunnyjo - I'm so sorry for your loss, it's such a hard time for you. My mother died nearly 4 years before ds1 was born, but I still felt the yawning hole when he arrived. I felt very envious of women whose mothers turned up to help (or even hinder) after the birth, and this went on for a long time as I never really admitted to anyone how I was feeling. Talk to your sister and you dad about your feelings, I'm sure they will be ready to listen and it always helps to get thing out, no matter how repetitive you feel. Take it easy on yourself and also let your midwife and hv know about your situation as they will want to make sure you're not struggling with pnd. I wish you all the best for the birth and send cyberhugs for the hard times.

[cori]

Dunnyjo, don't for a minute think that your grief is silly. You don't have to justify how you feel to anyone, unfortunately these experiences are part of our lives and we just have to live everyday as it comes. I lost my mother many years ago, but her memory is always strongest and most difficult to deal with when I am going through one of these big life events.
The only way to manage is to pull yourself up everyday and get on with life. Maybe also consider some grief counselling as well. I never had any, but in RL most people don't know how to respond to a grieving person.

[cori]

There is another mumsnetter who has just lost her mother and is expecting a baby in the next couple of weeks. Her name is Alicats, you can find her on the May 06 antenatal thread.

[PeachyClair]

Hi

No personal experience but my best friend's first baby arrived on exactly the first anniversary of her mum's death.

My friend doesn't have any other relations able to talk to- her Dad has severe alzheimers and her Sister has severe mental health issues- and so is very dependant on her dh and friends for support. her in laws are also not helpful, I think her fil was but he also passed and her MIL- well let's just not go there.

She keeps a book that she writes in all the little things she would like to tell her Mum, and says that helps a bit. She also has a big photo of her and her Mum at her wedding which was the alst time she could get ut (she had a complex mix of both mental heal;th conditions and cancer which prevented treatment).

I now it's really ahrd for her though she's an amzing strong woman who cares for her sister, father, two children one with SN and childminds too (WOW!).

[snorkle]

Many sympathies to you Dunnyjo, my mother died a week before my dd was born (unlike you it was expected, although only since 3 months earlier, so similar in many ways). It's hard. There isn't anyone quite like a mother for sharing milestones, helping out or just doting on the grandchildren and I still feel it even now (dd is 10), although nowhere near as acutely as at the time. You are right that you will feel the loss very acutely in the post natal period and possibly be at higher risk of post natal depression than most. Try to take one day at a time; spoil yourself and accept all the help you can from others. You will slowly come to terms with this and time will eventually lessen the pain. (((hugs))).

[Dunnyjo]

Thankyou for the replys. I had such a bad day yesturday. My dad phoned and at that time i just could not stop crying! we had a good talk then my sister txt me while she was at work saying she was having a bad day. Turned out i actually felt better as we all let everything out. I try not to phone or talk too much about mum incase i set them off too but now i know just to talk when i need to.
I feel a bit more possitive today, throw myself into house work and play loads with ds. At least when baby arrives i will be really busy still! Doing the house work all the time actually keeps me going because i find if i stop i start to think.
I am sorry for your losses too, to have others share there experiences on how you coped helps me to realise i am not alone. I will somehow or another keep going. xx

[spinamum]

Hi Dunnyjo.

my mum passed away when i was 14wks pg with ds. she was told her cancer was terminal 4wks after i told her i was pg and died within a month of that. I know what you'll going through as much as anyone can (cos we're all differant)

i have no answers, but some things that worked for me

speak to your new baby about how brill your mum was, even if it means you end up in tears most of the time.

don't ever feel you should be "better" by any given time.

talk to your dad,sister,husband,anyone who'll listen.

think about the things your mum has taught you, so even when she's not there with you, you know the reason you're doing the mummy thing that way is cos she'd be telling you to do it that way if she was. (does that make any sense?)

be brave and be a crumbling mess in what ever measures you feel like.

when i became a new mum, i met four other people in the same baby cafe who'd also lost one of their parents in the couple of years prior to our babies arriving. since then we've all felt c**p, ok, not so ok, angry, cheated, but all at differant times.

Always remember there is always someone else out there, either at a baby cafe(or equivalent) or on MN who is there/was there/will be there again.

love to you. it does get better,then it gets a bit poo again, then it gets better again.

[wilbur]

dunnyjo - I'm glad you felt a little better after talking to your dad and sister. Keep talking. I would echo what others have said about a bereavement counsellor - they really can help a lot.

[Dunnyjo]

Thanks for replying. Everything that has been said i have taken on bord. I am so emotional again today and i have not stoped cleaning! but i know i will just sit and crumble, which is not what i want to do in front on ds it breaks my heart even more when i see the concerned look on his face. I acept that i will have days like this but i know if my mum was hear she would wipe away the tears and tell me to be strong and that i am strong enough to pull through this. I know her words would be 'this too shall pass'. She would also say 'acept the things you can not change and change the things you can'.
I have baught a book, so when i want to talk or tell her things i wrtie it all down. I found this helped even though the pages are starting to stick together throught the tears dripping on the pages.
Think i will go and hug ds and talk away to him, as i will just keep going on lol

[mymama]

I lost my mum very suddenly and unexpectedly in July 2003 and had my 3rd child in September 2003. Apart from the practical things - she was going to look after dd1 and ds1 whilst in labour and help for first few weeks- I found it very emotional at times once ds2 was born. My grandmother gave ds2 a gift on behalf of my mum (her daughter) and I bought a pram that my mum and I had discussed her buying before her death. I did get comfort from the fact that she knew that we were having a boy. We had found out and she was the only person we had told.

[merrillyamy]

Hi,
Dunno whether anyone is still talking on this thread, but my mum died a month before my little girl was born in March, and it seems to me to be getting harder to not think about it, and just get on with things and try to be happy all the time so that my little girl is happy too. It just feels like I am still waiting for her to tell me how well I have done, how proud she is, and of course, she never will.
Does it get easier?




Does it

[puff]

merrillyamy, it is still very early days in terms of grieving for your Mum.

[Auntymandy]

Sorry not read the thread but wanted to say give it taime.
You will never get over loosing a parent, but the pain gets less.
My Dad died when I was expecting Ds. I was angry he didnt wait to see him ( how stupid is that?) I watch my 2 new boys running around an know how much their Grandpa would have enjoyed them. I often want to ring him to tell him of something I have seen in the garden etc. I see things in shops and want to buy thenm for him! Tomorrow will be hard. I have to entertain DH's dad and I will be thinking of mine!
Its 4 years since he died!
Thinking of you x