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My 28th Christmas without my darling son

(30 Posts)
MrsPresley Mon 24-Dec-12 07:46:06

Hope no one minds me posting this as I know it's not a recent bereavement but I need to get this down so I can put on my "happy face" once again.

My darling boy died 28 years ago (October) a tragic accident that shouldnt have happened but it did and I cant change that.

I had 3 other DC after he died, (also his twin sister) and I now have 6 gorgeous grandchildren, I should be happy but I'm not, I still want what I cant ever have, my beautiful son back.

His birthday is awful because I need to be happy for his sister but Christmas is worse because I need to be happy for everyone.

I went to his grave yesterday, took him his bit Christmas cake and mince pie, silly I know but I dont want him to miss out (I crumble them over his grave).

So Christmas "starts" today, family will visit tomorrow, no one will mention him sad and why should they? 3 of my DC never knew him and his sister cant remember him.

Family and friends tell me I'm lucky to have such a lovely family and I know deep down I am but my son is missing. He will never be here with his wife and children, I will never kiss his beautiful face or pick out a silly jumper with rudolph on it for him.

I miss him, I'm angry, I'm sad but these feelings have to be ignored then on Sunday, I can visit him again, tell him what a lovely time we had and give him his New Year nip of whisky and get ready to start another year without him.

The saddest thing of all though, is that there too many parents who know exactly how I feel sad

Anyway I'm going to get the "happy face" on now, and tomorrow I will say a little prayer for bereaved parents everywhere because I know there are are lots of other "happy faces" celebrating Christmas.

lemontruffles Sun 20-Jan-13 00:53:42

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

My grandma lost her first child n a tragic accident when my mum was only 18 months old. My grandparents had a further 3 children, but as a child I used to listen to my grandma talking endlessly about her missing child. It was so sad. No counselling then either (1930s).

It would be so lovely if you could have someone with you when you give your son his cake, and his whisky. I hope you find ways to talk about your son, and that your family and friends listen and reply.

And I agree, mumsnet can be wonderfully supportive. Just knowing you can write here, and so many people listen, can be healing, I have found. I hope you find some comfort here too.

no2way Sat 19-Jan-13 08:24:32

I am in the situation of your later children OP. my brothers death before I was born affected me greatly. It was only when I was in my 30s that I was "allowed" to discover and express this feeling. It had wrongly been assumed by my family that I didn't or couldn't be affected by the death of somebody I never knew.

One of the reasons for this was "don't mention x, mam is more upset than you, and sure you never knew x". This was from well meaning siblings, who I believe have never faced their own enormous grief, being young children themselves when he died.

SaintVera Sun 30-Dec-12 23:47:18

Sending you a hug. This is my first Christmas without my son. I cannot imagine a Christmas when I won't think about him. Our children are alive in your hearts forever. I hope you can share your feelings with others, even just one person. The ladies on the 'misty breeze' thread are marvellous. I don't know what I would do without them xxx

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Sun 30-Dec-12 23:18:27

Unmumsnetty hugs to you and your family. I hope you had a good Christmas. Your story touched me deeply xxx

AFingerofFudge Tue 25-Dec-12 00:50:03

I know it's not the same at all but my mum died 27 years ago today when I was 14. We just had to get on with it and we did have many kind people around but after a few weeks we were just expected to do the "chin up" routine and get on with life.

So although no comparison, really sorry for your loss and the fact that it is so hidden x

chubbychipmonk Tue 25-Dec-12 00:42:07

Merry Xmas to you & ALL your family including your son, I'm sure he'll be right by your side today X

Whistlingwaves Mon 24-Dec-12 19:59:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beachcombergirl Mon 24-Dec-12 19:11:31

Much love. Take care. I'm so sorry for your loss

RandallPinkFloyd Mon 24-Dec-12 14:24:57

I'm so sorry OP.

I have a very close relative in a very similar situation. She lost 2 young daughters in a tragic accident at home.

They would be in their early 40's by now but I know she thinks of them every day.

Her husband wouldn't let her talk about them at all. That sounds horrible written down but I think he just couldn't cope with it.

I know one of her biggest joys is that her granddaughter looks very much like one of her daughters. It shows that a part of them is still here.

I think the things you take for him are lovely, he's part of your family

What was your son's name? What was he like?

bamboostalks Mon 24-Dec-12 14:16:30

Perhaps raise a toast to him tomorrow and don't worry about shedding a tear. We always toast absent family and friends and have a weep. Very cathartic.

Fuchzia Mon 24-Dec-12 14:14:00

Nothing to say but so sorry. I'll be thinking of you.

everlong Mon 24-Dec-12 14:06:29

I am so sorry. 28 years sad such a long time to grieve, to keep that pain to yourself.

There's lots of mums ( and a few dads ) that post on here who have lost a child. We understand. We know it doesn't go away.

So always post if you need support.

Sending you a big hug from one mum to another ((love))

TravelinColour Mon 24-Dec-12 08:55:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EnjoyResponsibly Mon 24-Dec-12 08:45:43

I'm so sorry for your tragic loss.

I have a cousin who died 25 plus years ago, i know he is next to his mum her every waking minute. I talk to her about him because I remember so much of our childhood. It's so bloody unfair.

Be kind to yourself. Sending a unMN hug xx

AngelPup Mon 24-Dec-12 08:37:28

I am so sorry for your loss. It must be so hard when you feel that you are the only person who is feeling that way because everyone else has moved on. Worse that you feel you have to be happy for everyone and hide your true feelings.

I do wonder if you could tell your family how you feel and ask for their support. Maybe they just don't realise how you feel because you have done such a good job of hiding it over the years.

Talk with them and see if you can start a family tradition of say, lighting a candle and saying a little prayer every Christmas Eve / Day in memory of your son...just so you feel he is part of the festivities. Knowing that everyone is also remembering him, or at least joining you in your remembrance of him, may help you feel less alone. Just an idea.

Take care.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman Mon 24-Dec-12 08:31:09

I am so sorry. Your post reminds me of my nana. Her son died when he was three months old.
She missed him everyday until she dies 50 years later. He was still her son as much as her other children were her children.

I am so sorry and I don't know what you are experiencing directly. But I saw it with my nana. She took him Christmas cake as well.

Look after yourself and I will think of you tomorrow.

CheerfulYank Mon 24-Dec-12 08:28:10

Yes, please feel free to talk about him here, all you want! We would love to hear about what he was like.

Maybe you could get a small frame-type ornament, and put one of his pictures on your tree each year?

BeginningtoffeealotlikeXmas Mon 24-Dec-12 08:24:34

I'm so sorry for your loss. Would it help a little to make a book of memories of him that you could, perhaps, show to your other children? It sounds as if you don't feel he is seen as part of your family anymore, as no one talks about him, and that must feel very lonely and painful for you. I would imagine your boy's twin sister, in particular, would like to know more about him and have the opportunity to talk about him.

It must have been dreadful for you to find that all this things had been taken away sad. All those toys and clothes would have been some small comfort to you.

I agree with the poster who suggested bereavement counselling. Did you know that you can ask for counselling through your GP? It is available on the NHS.

My aunt lost her son (my cousin) 31 years ago. It makes no difference to her that it was so many years ago - she still misses him just as much, even though she has made a new life for herself. We have never held back from talking about him. It must be so sad for you that nobody talks about your baby anymore.

When I think of my cousin this Christmas Day, I will think too of your son.

Whatiswitnit Mon 24-Dec-12 08:10:58

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your son. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is for you.

Please don't hide your feelings from your family. If you want to have a cry then do it. Your children have their own children so they will understand your sadness.

Talk about your son. Whether they knew him or not, he is their brother and deserves to be remembered.

I hope you have a happy Christmas. X

LadyKinbote Mon 24-Dec-12 08:07:43

How awful, I can't imagine how you feel. I think it's important to find a way of including him at Christmas - do you light a candle for him or anything? Your DC probably don't realise how much you need to talk about him. Are you able to say "I'm missing your brother today, would you like to look at some photos with me?". Would it help to tell us about him - his name and what he was like? And of course there is no time limit on bereavement councilling if you feel that would help. I hope Christmas goes as well for you as it possibly can.

MrsPresley Mon 24-Dec-12 08:05:55

Thank you x

I wish Mumsnet had been around years ago!

ripsishere I was pregnant with DD2 when my son died so was just expected to get on with it and "think of the baby" sad, so no counselling.

Fishandjam You've hit the nail on the head, people dont mention him in case it upsets me, but it upsets me that they dont.

But I'll get through it, I always do but this year, today, it was lovely just being able to put on paper so to speak, how I feel.

I still feel a bit sefish though because there are so many people who dont have any family left to share Christmas (or any day) with.

I only have 3 photos of him because I was in hospital with DD2 (complications) and when I came home at the end of January, everything had been taken away, his bed, toys, clothes. It was thought, very wrongly that the best thing was to forget all about him angry and concentrate on what I did have, I'm still so angry about that!

TheFollyfootandtheivy Mon 24-Dec-12 08:05:09

Oh bless you Mrs P. Taking him a mince pie and Christmas cake is just lovely, not silly in the slightest. I hope you get through the Christmas season OK. Even though its been 28 long years, that huge gap in your life is still there isnt it, guess you just get better at living with that gap, it doesnt go away. Ever.

Sending you lots of love. We have a special star on our Christmas tree for DH's sister. Sadly she wont ever see it but we know its there xx

Bullincathkidston Mon 24-Dec-12 08:02:09

I'm sorry, ill think of you and your son on Christmas Day. Hugs here too x

CheerfulYank Mon 24-Dec-12 08:01:50

So, so sorry. He will always be your boy!

Some relatives of mine (grandmother's cousins, I think the exact relationship was) were very close to my family while I was growing up. Their three year old died of leukemia in 1942. His father only passed away three years ago, and I think his Johnny was never far from his mind, after all that time.

I'm so sorry, you must miss him so much. <hugs>

KnottysNom Mon 24-Dec-12 07:58:51

Oh love sad

Please look after yourself x

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