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my brother has killed himself...

(67 Posts)
kneesofnorks Mon 10-Dec-12 20:03:33

I feel so guilty I wasnt there for him, he lived in canada, im in england and i had no idea he was in such a dark place.

Its been 24 hours since we had a call from his local police and every minute feels harder and harder...

I dont have a passport and dont have the money for a flight over, my aunt and uncle are having to deal with it all as my parents arent fit to fly over, I feel like im letting him down sad

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 10-Dec-12 21:16:06

I am so sorry for your loss knees. Could your GP sign you off work for a couple of weeks?

I lost a dear friend to suicide and it took me a while to stop feeling guilty. Be gentle on yourself lovely. xxx

NulliusInBlurba Mon 10-Dec-12 21:25:34

So sorry to hear that, knees. It happened to us last year, and it was ten kinds of shite.

DH got his dr to sign him off work for a few weeks because of the stress - his doctor was only too happy to oblige, because otherwise he'd have broken down altogether and it would have just compounded the mess (so it would have been pretty counterproductive for his company to insist on him working).

I can really recommend a book on the subject:
An Empty Chair: Living in the Wake of a Sibling's Suicide

It explores what is so unfortunately unique about sibling suicide, and how it differs from the death of a partner or child.

DH also went to a suicide family support group for six months or so - they only met once a month but helped him enormously.

junowiththegladrags Mon 10-Dec-12 21:27:55

So very sorry knees.

kneesofnorks Mon 10-Dec-12 21:51:57

I just dont feel like ill ever sleep again at the moment, I didnt sleep at all last night, am in my bed now but have a raging headache and my mind wont stop to let me sleep...

GRW Mon 10-Dec-12 22:06:51

I am so sorry. You must be exhausted and in a state of shock still, with so much going through your mind. I hope you have someone with you to be alongside you through the first difficult days.
My sister killed herself 14 years ago, and i remember the anguish of the first days afterwards. Thinking of you x

seventheaven Mon 10-Dec-12 22:10:55

(((((Hugs))))) I am so sorry for your loss, my condolences to you and your family. Please do not feel guilty this is no ones fault, be gentle on yourself.

ViperInTheManger Mon 10-Dec-12 22:19:43

I'm so sorry for your loss. My family narrowly escaped a situation like this so I have an inkling of how awful it can be.

Please do not blame yourself in any way, you know logically that you would have done anything in your power to help him.

PieEyedAndLairySanta Mon 10-Dec-12 23:36:50

So sorry for your loss knees sad

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Mon 10-Dec-12 23:46:47

Oh I am so very sorry. What a horrible horrible shock for you sad

It does sound like it could have been accidental though. Either way, I'd support your parents saying it was - if it makes it easier for them, it really doesn't make any difference to anyone else. You can still talk to your friends about it in whatever way you feel is right.

The book & support group sound helpful.

Your work policy is disgraceful. Clearly no-one making that policy has had a child/parent/sibling/partner etc die - lucky them. 3 days to arrange a funeral. The very minimum should be until the funeral - for all close family (and close friends at their discretion). I woudn't hesitate to go to the Drs to get signed off sick/stress - you can't go back to work yet - the lack of sleep alone is reason enough - let alone the grief.

Big hugs - lots of love & strength

QueenOfCats Tue 11-Dec-12 00:15:41

What an awful thing to happen. I really am very sorry that you've lost your Brother sad

I only have 1 brother and can't imagine him not being around - my heart goes out to you x

mumof2teenboys Tue 11-Dec-12 08:36:48

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Please be gentle with yourself, try and sleep where and when you can. Make sure you drink plenty of fluids and try to eat, even if its just flapjacks and cereal bars.

My son killed himself in July and the first few weeks are so difficult and it must be so much harder with him being so far away from you and your parents.

I agree with everyone about work, phone them, explain the situation (in as much detail as you feel comfortable with) then go to your doctors and get signed off for a couple of weeks.

Once again, my thoughts are with you and your family, I know how hard this is.

Isabeller Tue 11-Dec-12 08:45:42

In these circumstances I think you can get a passport issued very very fast Would your parents be able to or want to pay for the travel?

If you feel you really want to be there I imagine a lot of people would rally round to support the practicalities of it.

brandysoakedbitch Tue 11-Dec-12 08:48:40

Oh Knees I am so sorry for you all xxxxxxxxxxxx

rednosedreindeerinthegarden Tue 11-Dec-12 08:55:48

am so so sorry for you and your family.

spiderlight Tue 11-Dec-12 09:00:48

So, so sorry sad

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast Tue 11-Dec-12 09:07:55

I'm so sorry sad

earthpixie Tue 11-Dec-12 09:12:26

I'm very sorry for your sad loss, and for the other losses mentioned on the thread.

If your mum and dad need to believe it was accidental I think you should go along with it, even just temporarily, until you are all feeling a bit stronger.


zeno Tue 11-Dec-12 10:03:25

Oh you poor dear, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. My sister killed herself and I remember little now of the early days but know how utterly and unremittingly ghastly it was.

Your gp should be able to sign you off as unfit to work. The physical effects of grief can be astonishingly severe.

Try to be kind to yourself. Survivor guilt is a huge part of a loss to suicide, no matter what the circumstances. One always feels that one ought to have been able to prevent it from happening, and there are an awful lot of "if only" thoughts to contend with.

Counselling can be very helpful, and there's an organisation called SOBs which is for survivors of bereavement by suicide. They have a terrific helpline, whose people helped me through some very dark hours of the night.

HoHoHokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Tue 11-Dec-12 10:05:54

Thinking of you this morning knees x

Northernlurker Tue 11-Dec-12 10:12:10

You need to get signed off sick. I had 3 days off for my bil - and that was an expected death. The stress is terrible. It sounds weird but my eye twitched afor weeks afterwards. There are all sorts of physical effects. My dad's colleagues called an ambulance to his work a few days afterwards. Dad sat down at his desk and basically fell very deeply asleep, seemed a bit out of it and so an ambulance arrived! He was very embarassed afterwards but I think his body just couldn't do anymore so stopped.

Get signed off, take some painkillers for your head and drink plenty of fluids even if you can't eat. If you can't sleep spend the days doing something physical - run, swim, bike or garden and see if that helps.

I'm so sorry about your brother. We can't ever know the depths of a person's soul and it isn't letting people down to accept that.

SaintVera Tue 11-Dec-12 15:09:06

I am so dreadfully sorry. There are wise people on here who have been through the same and survived - I hope you can get comfort from their wise words.

My son died in July and I never knew the meaning of the word grief until now. It is so physical as well as mental. I would consider visiting your GP and asking for something to help you sleep too. Agree totally about time off work. Be as kind to yourself as humanly possible xx

kneesofnorks Tue 11-Dec-12 16:48:58

Ive been to work, i think i just went there on autopilot.. i dont think i actually did anything though to be honest. I have an appointment on monday at liverpool to get a passport, so much to organise as my expired pp was in my married name, ive reverted to my maiden name so have to produce birth cert, decree absolute, deed poll and marriage cert - i dont have the marriage cert as that went to the court when i applied for the divorce - so i need to get a copy asap. Issue is i married in scotland and live in leeds now so i think i need to find someone in edinburgh to get that...

Then the issue is finding reasonably priced flights.... ill literally go for as little time as humanly possible. Well find the money sonewhere....

I have found out more about thr circs and really there is no doubt he was in a very dark place, i just hope hes in a happy place now

kneesofnorks Tue 11-Dec-12 16:50:25

I cant get signed off sick, theyll discipline me i think as i was off for 6 weeks aug-oct due to illness....

GRW Tue 11-Dec-12 18:41:32

You have done really well to get through the day at work, but if you feel you can't do it tomorrow in the circumstances I am sure your colleagues would understand.
i hope you can get things sorted so that you can be with your family soon x

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Tue 11-Dec-12 19:10:39

They'll discipline you, for being signed off sick? It's against the law isn't it?

I don't suppose you can afford to tell them where to shove their bloody job?? sad

I'm sorry to hear you have found out more about your brothers circumstances and that he was in a dark place. Please don't feel bad for not knowing though, he's an adult, he showed you what he wanted you to see - you couldn't have known if he didn't want you to x

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