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Support thread for anyone grieving for a parent

(980 Posts)
mummylin2495 Sat 08-Dec-12 19:28:41

I have done as maybe has suggested and started a new thread.My comp dosent cope well with long threads.

vladthedisorganised Tue 16-Apr-13 09:25:14

Hi everyone, well it never rains but it pours... I had some spotting over the weekend, but was told to wait for the scan on Monday and it was probably nothing to worry about. The scan confirmed that I'd had a 'missed miscarriage' and had lost the baby with no signs. My GP was lovely and told me to have a think about whether I wanted a medical intervention or to wait for a natural resolution; as it turned out I had a natual miscarriage a couple of hours later.
If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' then I should be pulling tractors by now.
Trying to keep in my head that we already have a wonderful, healthy, quirky little girl, a supportive family and much to be thankful for. What's really hard is that Mum had a late miscarriage and then a hysterectomy after me and in any other circumstance I would be straight on the phone to her... Dad is lovely but obviously has no idea what to say (he's not the demonstrative type, which I've always been happy with but it's clearly a lot for him at the moment). It was something that was really positive in a time of lots of negatives and it's so sad that it wasn't to be.
At the weekend we're going to a family wedding so I hope I don't get too emotional.. times are tough. Obviously not a patch on what's happening in Boston and Syria but I can't get into my usual politically-charged self yet.

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 16-Apr-13 09:49:50

Oh vlad I'm so sorry to hear that sad flowers

mummylin2495 Tue 16-Apr-13 11:30:29

Oh no vlad I am sorry to hear that. Hope you get through the wedding ok
On a different note. I have just had a text from my dh. One of the group he is with has gone to hospital with head swelling. Dh said it happened yesterday but it went down, now it has come up again. I was wondering wether it could be an allergy or something. But he has gone to the right place. He has his brother with him. Will let you know later

t875 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:24:08

I did post to the group last night but my whole post got lost in cyber land! Ill post again today.
are you going along ok?
We went to the crematorium on the 12th and laid some flowers down then went back to my dads for a cuppa and cake. Was a very hard night but we also shared memories of her which im sure gave her a good giggle, i didnt want to mourn her over again I lit a yankee candle at my dads then brought it back to ours then i had another yankee candle for the next a new beginnings but obviously her still be very close spiritually with me every day.

it has been harder i have been a lot sadder but plodding on best i can.

mummylin - I was thinking of you on the 12th glad it didnt go too bad for you. Hope your husbands friend will be ok!! Let us know! xx

Vlad - Oh i feel for you so much, im so very sorry to hear of your loss. ((hugs hugs)) we are here for you. xx

snowflake - Let us know hw your go with the reading, i will be vey interested how you got on. I know what you mean about your mum, its very hard isnt it. Were right with you. Hope the reward charts work with the kids, i know how they can stress us and make grief a thousand times worse!! xx

ssd and biscuits hope you are both ok, and going along not too bad. xx

im still waiting on the job, will let you know when i know more.

Thinking of everyone who has been on this thread back and forth. xx

mummylin2495 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:30:08

Glad you got through the day [t875] . No further news from Barca yet. Good job he will be covered by insurance,but it has to be paid first and then claimed back. Hope they all have enough money between them! I thought it may be alcohol but apparently he only drank water last night. So thinking maybe insect bites or allergy. Hope it's nothing serious,they are due home tomorrow night. Will let you know.

likesnowflakesinanocean Tue 16-Apr-13 13:50:58

hey all, so sorry to hear your sad news vlad and hope your are doing okay today. will be thinking of you x

hey all, reading not been sent yet but will be sure to let you guys see it smile very much so. bit apprehensive but i figure if it is total bollocks or all stuff he could of pinched off my facebook ive only lost a fiver, im willing to settle for that. just wish i felt a bit calmer. i am so bored without her. what is new with you all

t875 Tue 16-Apr-13 15:48:27

lol yeah you don't mind losing a fiver, hopefully its good though snowflake!!Im definitely intrigued!

Had a nice coffee with my friend really nice catch up, was lovely to see her. She treated me to a muffin too which was very nice smile

still waiting to hear about job! ok mummylin hope things are ok.

mummylin or anyone who has gone over the year.. I am so easily niggled and angry and thinking its not fair again, its like ive gone backwards, really struggling to not be able to talk to her, yes i know i can but i want to hear her!!! Ugh sooo bloody crap isnt it!!


ssd Tue 16-Apr-13 17:37:18

oh vlad, I'm so sorry to read that sad

mummylin2495 Tue 16-Apr-13 18:24:31

It's sunstroke !!!!! Now one of the others has d & v first one had to pay £120 not sure if this was for medication

mummylin2495 Tue 16-Apr-13 18:47:13

[t875] I personally think until we learn to accept that they have really now gone forever we cannot move on in our won't stop us loving and missing them but it will enable us to press on with our lives without the terrible crushing grief. I don't think I'm ready yet as I still harp back to when it happened and so I get upset all over again. But in saying that when I went to the other funeral and heard my mums music I fully expected to be in floods of tears, but I wasn't. It was not my grief that day , it was other people's and I thinks just felt so sorry for them and that took over any feelings i had I have to face mums birthday on Saturday. Of course I have got her one of the cards that I like and I will take her new flowers. X

vladthedisorganised Wed 17-Apr-13 08:36:25

Hi everyone, thank you for your messages and hope you don't mind my using this as a space to vent! Now DD is ill.. just your standard childhood thing, high temperature, acetone breath and what have you, but I just can't cope with a day (or more) stuck indoors doing nothing and trying to spend my energy tempting her into activity with 'craft' or something I don't have the imagination to figure out.
Exactly the same thing happened after the funeral and I don't think I've had a more miserable three days; it was like I wasn't allowed to begin grieving even though I just needed space to cry. I feel like someone's hit my stomach with a wrecking ball and it seems so selfish to ask someone else to look after DD at a point where she needs plenty of hugs and is probably wondering why Mummy is acting so weird all the time, just so I can go for a walk. I love her to bits and it's been wonderful having her around after she's been to nursery as it stops me going completely inert, but I don't know how I can do a whole day and I feel like such a selfish person for even thinking that.
Friends want to talk, my dad wants me to go round to his, and it's all OK but I feel there's a limit on what I can do. Every conversation is interrupted, DD doesn't sleep well so can never call anyone until after 9, and if I'm on the phone I feel like I have to say "Well, never mind, I just have to be thankful for what I do have and I'm truly blessed" rather than "I feel like crap, I just wonder what the hell is next and I feel like giving up sometimes. But enough about me - how's the decorating going?"

Have to tell myself it has to get better. Just not feeling that way at the moment.

ssd Wed 17-Apr-13 21:49:25

vlad, you arent selfish wanting a bit of peace, its totally understandable

I was the same, both kids were off school at separate times just after mum died and I had no peace to myself, in fact the day after the funeral when we scattered her ashes ds2 had to come with me as he was off school, I couldnt grieve as I didnt want him to be upset...its all so hard when your kids are still young and needing you..

I'm sure it will get better, but it takes time and lots and lots of being kind to yourself, when you can, not to mention support from wherever you can get it

am sorry, you've had a rough time of it xx

t875 Thu 18-Apr-13 10:47:44

Vlad - My word you must seriously think it rains it pours bless you!! I know the feeling, four months after my mum passing my dad called me saying he couldn't breath and was rushed to the hospital ended up with a blood clot!! My god im not massive on praying but i went mad for praying that he was going to be ok!! I was a state though still heavily grieving my mum and trying to be strong for him he was in hospital over night.
I honestly thought 'you what!!! Surely no more!' i dont touch wood anymore i don't don't believe in it.
Hope your little one is better now, i know scary it is for them to have high temps, our youngest had the highest temp over christmas!!

mummylin - Hope you husbands friend is doing better now. Thanks for the advise, im with you, i just made my mum a toasted sausage sandwich as I had one, god i wish i had her here to say ooh lovely!!

Hope your all going along ok!! Nice to see the sun here!!


t875 Thu 18-Apr-13 12:40:52

Mummylin- I' forgot to say will be thinking of you Sunday. Do something that u know she will live to see you do or what you might have done together. (()) x

Ssd - thinking of you! Hope your going along ok xx

mummylin2495 Sat 20-Apr-13 20:00:47

Hello everyone, been a bit busy since dh arrived back home. Well today was my mums birthday. I think the sun has shone because of that. Went to crem and took some roses,one brother and my niece had already been and left some beautiful flowers. And then another phoned to say he was there and had just put some more flowers so it must of looked lovely BUT my other brother once again didn't bother and it makes me so bloody cross. It's not much of an effort to take some flowers to a graveside surely. I could have such a big argument about it,but once again have bitten my tongue as I don't want to fall out with him. Hope you Re all ok and enjoyed the lovely weather today xx

Finola1step Sat 20-Apr-13 21:12:55

Hello. I haven't posted on this thread before, didn't need to. I lost my dad on Thursday. He had had his health problems over the past few years but was actually doing ok. He went out for the day with mum. Got back to his care home, had supper, was fine. Then gone. That quick.

Am fine dealing with all the professionals, undertakers etc. He's under the coroner. Can't deal with people who knew Dad. It's too hard.

I would really appreciate any advice especially tips on good books to read to help with grieving. Thank you.

mummylin2495 Sat 20-Apr-13 22:30:40

Hello finola I am sorry you have found yourself here on this thread deepest sympathies to you. I lost my mum very suddenly too and so I know what an awful shock it is. It's so hard to believe its happened isn't it. Most of us on this thread have found that people are not always as supportive as you think they will be. ANd some people also expect that in a couple of weeks you will be " better" it is a very upsetting and difficult time for you and your mum and for the rest of your family. Do you have siblings to help you through this ? I personally do not know of any books but someone else on this thread very well may do. We have all been struggling on this thread but I have to say without it. I so not know how I would of coped as even my dh has not been as sympathetic as I thought he would be. I hope you will get lots of rl support, but please join us here if we can help you at all.

ssd Sun 21-Apr-13 09:42:37

hi finola sorry to see that you have joined us here...keep posting whenever you want, you will get lots of sympathy and understanding here

like mummylin said, part of all this is dealing with people/family who arent as supportive as they could be, hopefully you wont come across this but if you do, know we are all here to listen and hold your hand.

I got a few books out of the library when mum died, but they never really gave me the answers I was looking for, they were too general.

maybe you could contact cruse, see what they recommend? I phoned them not long after mum died to ask for counselling but they told me it was too soon and too raw, and to leave it for at least 6 months.....but they did send me some leaflets which helped.

I've found grief to be such a long and lonely journey, but its something thats very personnel to you and your circumstances.

I hope you have support around you.


Kafri Sun 21-Apr-13 21:02:51

Well, we have had my mums funeral. It was on Friday. I managed to read a poem which she had written to my dad when he died many years ago. I wasn't sure i'd be able to so I took someone with me for moral support who could rescue me and take over if needed. I managed it all though - was so proud of myself.

Now I have to adjust properly to not being able to drop in or call her about the silly things i'd ring her for. I keep finding little things that upset me. Today's was my baby book. Someone bought me a book to fill out for my baby. I had started to fill it in and one page was about first visitors. It had a table to fill in which had the date/time they visited and who they were etc. Then, the final column was for them to sign. Well - she certainly won't be signing it now will she...

I'm kicking myself for not getting her to sign it earlier but in all honesty, DS was such hard work in his early weeks (he SCREAMED constantly - like 15 hours a day) that I didn't get chance to do anything like fill in this book. It's only now that he's started to settle that I can get anything at all done, so sat down to fill a few pages in and came across this page. Well, now I dont' want to fill ANY of the book in. I feel like I won't be able to complete it without her to sign her box so it's not worth filling in what I can. I've even thought about finding her signature on a form or something and cutting and sticking it in, just so it's there - yup, i'm that crazy!

ssd Sun 21-Apr-13 21:07:07

you're not crazy, you're just hurting like mad

do it if you want, if it makes it ok to use the book

you did great doing a reading at the funeral, thats so so brave of you

I'm sorry, I know how painful it is and I really sympathise and send you a hug xx

Marshy Mon 22-Apr-13 09:52:09

Hi all,
Is it ok to join you? My mum died a week ago today. I started a thread on AIBU the day before she died and got some brilliant advice and support - I see some familiar names here.
Feel weird today, thinking back to last week. I have taken this week off work. I'm going to go out in a bit to take my mind off things and so that time can pass without me noticing.
Still can't believe she's gone......
Will check in later. Best wishes to all.....

mummylin2495 Mon 22-Apr-13 11:11:58

marshy sorry you find yourself here. This is a very supportive thread and we all understand what you are / will be going through. I hope you have support in rl too. I think it's a time of great sorrow / disbelief and heartache which takes a long time to diminish. If we can help in any way do feel free to let us know, or if you just want to vent on here that is ok too. My deepest sympathies to you.
Hi to everyone else, hope the sunshine lifted everyone up a bit it's so good to finally be able to get in the garden and see the new shoots on plants finally coming. I am happy because my mums " snowball " tree is happily coming to life in my garden. I have no idea what it is called but mum always called it that owing to the big white balls of flowers it grows. She would be happy that one of us has it. Xx

Manz39 Mon 22-Apr-13 16:31:02

Hi everyone, is it ok if I join? I have had some good advice on my other thread about my children and t875 suggested I join you all. My mum died of cancer just over a year ago, feels hard to believe now. I still want to ring her up for a chat, and when I enter my dad's house I still almost expect her to be there. Does anyone else dream about their loved ones? I sometimes dream that she didn't die and my mind comes up with some excuse for what happened, but then I eventually realise that she did, and usually that's when I wake up and it's almost like losing her all over again.
Anyway, sorry for rambling on and I'm sorry for everyone else's losses x

mummylin2495 Mon 22-Apr-13 16:41:25

Hello mantz of course you can join us. It's an awful thing to cope with isn't it. It is now 18 months for me but it still feels so recent. I think we all Go over things again and again as we struggle to believe its happened.i hope you managed to spend time with your mum before she died. I was denied this as it was unexpected. Yes I have dreamt of my mum,it's odd because she never speaks. It's only happened twice and it seems so real.

mummylin2495 Mon 22-Apr-13 16:42:07

Sorry I spelt your name wrongly !

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