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Support thread for anyone grieving for a parent

(980 Posts)
mummylin2495 Sat 08-Dec-12 19:28:41

I have done as maybe has suggested and started a new thread.My comp dosent cope well with long threads.

mummylin2495 Tue 22-Jan-13 13:31:28

did your mum give you any indication of what she would like done at her funeral ? And if you have been left to sort everything out then I feel you would be perfectly within your rights to do as you see fit. You are seeing the funeral director.they are not.Good luck with it all.

ssd Tue 22-Jan-13 15:56:42

jaffa, I think you must do what your heart tells you. Its obvious you are doing this with your mums wishes in mind and you brother is doing his things with his best interests at heart. I agree with mummylin in that I think its very disrespectful to put a holiday first, I felt this way with my family. Can you remember what your mum wanted? I think you should follow her wishes if you can, and her beliefs, eg. how much money you would have spent if she was here to have a say. I know my mum would be turning in her grave at the amount her funeral cost, she would have wanted us (me) to have spent that amount on a holiday abroad, we never go abroad and she kept offering me money to go, I didn't organize her funeral as I just couldn't, so I'm not complaining at the expense, but I don know mum wouldn't have wanted all that spent.

biscuits, I'm so very sorry. Just do what you can, the tears will come when you're ready. Am thinking of you.

and to everyone, I'm sorry about the swearing earlier, I think I have a lot of anger issues over all this.

Galaxymum Tue 22-Jan-13 19:43:46

Hi jaffa and biscuits. So sorry for both of you. I'm not shocked reading how thoughtless and uncaring people are. I haven't been on here for a while but I've felt overwhelmed with emotions lately. I had my 1st birthday without mum on Friday. It was awful. I miss her so much and am back to just bursting into tears.

Having read about siblings wanting to put off a funeral for a holiday I feel my isssues are minor. I just feel pressured into getting mums house on market. PIL are painting house and have infringed my privacy. borrowing mums things and asking for stuff. I just feel it is vulturish. I feel a lot of anger atm and things are not fair.

I agree and see many of you experiencing lack of empathy like youre meant to have moved on. But every day is not the same. I no longer have a mum or dad and I cant get used to it.

mummylin2495 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:29:26

Galaxymum I Am shocked to see what you said about your pil asking for your mums stuff. I know what i would of told them. How bloody rude is that ! Don't let anyone pressure you in to doing things quickly ,do it in your own time. I feel so angry on your behalf. Unless you have a deadline for getting on and selling the house etc. I would do things as and when you feel like it.

jaffacake2 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:44:20

The meeting with the funeral director went very well,he was a lovely caring person who came to my house and we chatted about mums wishes.Poor chap he also had to hear my anger at my brother but seemed to accept why i feel upset.
i am hoping that our little blessing on saturday will help all our grief by acknowledging what a wonderful person she was and sending prayers on her journey to God.
thank you for all your support x

mummylin2495 Tue 22-Jan-13 22:34:52

Glad to see your meeting with the funeral people went ok.Did you have to change anything ? We didn't have them come here but we did have the hospital chaplain. I opened my front door and said " oh my god " he was 6ft 8 and almost as wide. I am only 5ft 2 so you can imagine what we looked like standing next to each other, that actually did cause us all to a little chuckle. To get up off of my settee he had to sort of slide down till his knees touched the floor then get himself stood up. But he was the nicest man you have ever met. We had him the week after the funeral as well when we buried mums ashes. He was a very sympathetic man and made us feel everything would go well. I hope that you too have the same sort of service. It doesn't make you feel happier ,but gives you something less to worry about when you know that good people are dealing with your loss. I feel sorry that you have to wait so long to be able to bury your mum, the waiting will be awful and so drawn out. I really don't know what your brother is thinking, and how can he possible enjoy a holiday right now. Do carry on posting here for some support.
biscuits I hope you have got through today as well as you can,im hoping that you have family around to support you at this terrible time. How sad to lose mum and dad so close together. Thinking of you.

BiscuitsandBaileys Wed 23-Jan-13 10:00:28

Thank you ssd and galaxymum.

jaffacake2- I'm glad the meeting with the funeral director went well. I think you have every right to rant about your brother, and I agree with mummylin, how can he be enjoying a holiday right now? Hope you are ok today.

mummylin- I was fine yesterday and still feel ok today. I don't know why I feel fine though, I just feel sad and so, so tired but no tears. But that's not like me at all, I'm usually an emotional wreck that cries at anything! I must come across as having a heart of stone. I do have support thank you, I'm very close to my sister, both distance and friendship wise and my dh has been fab. He was very close to my dad and they had a great relationship. He said last night he's worried about me, but I think I'm just in coping mode.

Thanks for your support, it means a lot xx

HoneyKate Wed 23-Jan-13 10:38:44

Biscuits and Jaffa - I'm so very sorry for you both and know just how you are feeling. Take things a day at a time and don't push yourselves to do too much. You need to take time to look after your own health, both physical and mental. Take time to just sit and breathe, and remember your beloved parents. Both of you please feel free to express your sorrow and vent your spleen on this thread - you will receive a lot of empathy from the lovely people here who feel just as you do. This thread is proving a great comfort to me as well as a place where I can sound off a bit which means I don't take my emotions out on my loved ones at home quite so much.

Jaffa - I have no idea how your brother could enjoy a holiday after just losing his mum. He's obviously a very different personality to you. When we organised my mum's funeral we tried to keep costs down a bit. We chose a cheaper casket but spent more on beautiful flowers which almost covered the entire top of it - yellow roses and lilies - my mum's favourite. We had just one funeral car for immediate family (mum's 3 children and our partners). I insisted we book a "double slot" at the crematorium because I didn't want to feel rushed - I wanted everyone who wished to say something or include a prayer or poem to be able to do that without worrying whether there would be enough time. Everyone else was more than happy to use their own cars and we asked them to liaise amongst themselves who needed lifts and they were fine with doing this.

Sending hugs to all on this thread xx

mummylin2495 Wed 23-Jan-13 15:10:40

We had nothing but good service from both funeral director and the chaplain.We knew what mum wanted ,she had it written in her will, even her hymn choices.We were satisfied when we discussed what we wanted with Fd that all would be ok ,the only thing I wanted to be different was the fact that usually at a funeral the family leave the chapel first,But I didn't want to do that,i wanted to remain by my mums coffin until the last person left.I just had to stand back until my siblings went out then I went and stood by my mum.At the last minute one of my brothers decided to stand there with me so we got to thank every single person there although I must of been incoherent because I could not stop sobbing.But somehow I felt a bit better because mum had someone there for a bit longer. It is such a sad day,one we never envisage having to do.But it does help when you get to do the things that you really want to and which you know your lost one would like.
biscuits i expect you have gone into an auto mode and possibly you are in disbelief all over again.I do feel very sad for you.lets hope that somewhere your parents have been reunited.

t875 Wed 23-Jan-13 18:24:06

Biscuits - I am so sorry to hear about your dad, my god you poor thing, I couldn't imagine what you are going through. We are here for you and be kind to yourself, take each day at time.

Jaffacake I cant believe its even an issue with your brother and his trip, although my brother brought up with my dad about their stupid holiday on the eve of my mum passing..tbh my brother and my dad had a blazing row my dad telling him what he thought of him and then we got a phone call an hour later telling us she had taken her last breath.

I cannot believe the callousness of some of the family members of the people here that have had family be selfish. My god, its unbelievable and just proves that family values aren't there more and more.

Sorry Ive not been around we are decorating our back room and the kids have been off because of the snow.

Thinking of you all and sending love and hugs to all that need one.

jaffacake2 Wed 23-Jan-13 19:10:45

Thanks for everyones comments I can now fully see my brother as the selfish bastard he really is.
I have been sorting out some of mums affairs today like bank accounts etc and find it a lonely sad time. Found out that mum had more money than I thought,which makes me sad that she couldnt enjoy it through her life. We had a very poor childhood,always short on money for the basics.She must have felt bad that she didnt have the money earlier in her life.
When do I have to apply for probate ? Is there a time limit ?

norkmonster Wed 23-Jan-13 21:50:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummylin2495 Wed 23-Jan-13 22:21:23

norkmonster sorry that you have cause to join us here,but hoping you will find us supportive.I am sorry to say that its not something that will leave you in just a few weeks,i am now nearly 15 months on from my mum dying and I can say that honestly I feel only a tiny bit better.of course we are not all the same and it may be different for you.Its a very lonely time and you will find that a lot of people will avoid talking about your loss,which most. of us found to be very upsetting, as though nothing had happened.Please don't feel alone ,we are all here at some time or other.
Jaffa I cant quite remember the order of things because it was all such a bloody jumble to me.My brother and I were executors,but to be perfectly honest if it hadn't been for my brother I wouldn't of had a clue.It seems that my mind has blanked an awful lot out about that side of things.My brother said sign and I signed ,he told me where we had to go ,took me there etc.I do remember we had to go to the solicitor to sign and read something out and I think that was for probate.I really cant recall it at all,its all so jumbled in my head.And if someone said how did we go about selling mums house ,I cant remember all that either !! My brother was bloody amazing actually.i hope that someone else will be able to tell you more about it.

ssd Wed 23-Jan-13 23:00:43

mummylin, totally agree with what you just posted there to norkmonster, it is a very lonely time and people just dont seem to want to mention the one person your desperate to talk about so you feel like they've forgotten that person and are ignoring your feelings.
norkmonster, I'm really sorry youve had to join in here, there a lot of us wondering when it gets easier too, you wont feel alone here
jaffa, glad the meeting with the funeral director went well and you'll notice not one of us here feels like your brother is in the right!! as t875 says family can be totally mindbogglingly selfish at times, and sometimes its at the very worst time in our lives and those who should be the closest to us just dont see it.
biscuits I'm glad your close to your sister, I think this will make all the difference to you and you'll grieve in your own way, but at least you arent grieving alone.

t875 Fri 25-Jan-13 10:58:47

Norkmaster - So very sorry to hear of your loss it really is absolutely horrendous and the pain is absolutely awful, I didnt actually think it would get easier but it has got a little better as times gone on. I still get bad times, times where the tears arent as much and then theres times where its like a dam has opened. There are times where i laugh about her and I share still in the memories of what she loved and still try to do the things she loved.
we are all different but i trully believe that she is still around me and given me signs and messages and she is with her mum and dad who are in spirit, thinking of the alternative just kills me, I take that comfort of believing she is still with me, but some days its not enough and I miss her like crazy.
take care and surround you with comforting people and look out for you and take each day at a time and I also when I had the bad days i phoned cruse 24 hour phone line and they were very helpful, i only phoned twice but it helped a lot.
hugs to you and thinking of you xx

Thinking of everyone on this thread hope you are well as can be {hugs}

Pheonixnights Fri 25-Jan-13 23:27:19

My wonderful dad died 4 weeks ago on Sunday, he was only 67 and died from heart failure. I feel like now the funeral is done and finished people expect me to feel over it. I'm far from feeling like that. My nan who is 91 has now been admitted to hospital with a water infection, I just don't know how much I can cope with. My mum has lost her husband and now they are talking palatve care for her mum. Why has life become so hard? I lost my grandad 15 months ago so I feel like my past is just slipping away and there is nothing I can do to change it. Christmas was so hard, it was the first time in my 34 years that we weren't all together and the knowing that our christmas will never be the same is just heartbreaking. I feel so sad that my dad won't see my children grow up, won't see them get married or even see them get their gcse results devastating. I feel so cross with all my friends with their trivial problem and bitter that I've lost my dad at a young age. I just want things to go back to the way they were 2 years ago sad

t875 Sat 26-Jan-13 14:36:27

oh ((((Phoenix nights)))) So sorry to hear of your loss of your dad, it is really wrenching and knocks you side ways. You have are still going through so much and I can imagine it must be so hard bless you. As I said to Norkmaster when I had bad days I found CRUSE helped me a lot just phoning their generic line, but i also have been going to see them too, ive had 2 sessions so far and its really been good. I hope you have a good supportive network around you who can support you and help you where needed. I hope your mum will be ok hun, really feel for you. I lost my mum to a massive stroke in her sleep which took her i believe that night but she stayed a breathing body but her not there for 6 days after, they told us she wasn't coming back to us.

Just want to let you know we are here for you and please come here to vent and chat about your dad and anything to help you. Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with people that will help you and not make you feel uncomfortable with your feelings.

Thinking of you and sending you hugs through this very hard time you are going through. x

t875 Sat 26-Jan-13 15:01:18

just thought i'd share i know we all don't go down this route.

But I went to see my Councillor today at cruse as i said above.

I felt my mum in the office with me with the lady today cant explain it I just do.. I had my session which helped and has done a lot.

well when we sat in traffic coming out of town to go home, a white small feather blew in front of our car between the one in front of us and literally landed on the floor as i drove past i saw it, and when i got home, i opened up the car door and there was a small white fluffy feather on the floor!! I don't even look for these signs anymore and they just happen. But my mum was massively into feathers herself when she was here and very spiritual...
Was lovely to know she possibly was there with me today and hopefully her hand on my shoulder x

mummylin2495 Sat 26-Jan-13 16:48:41

Oh I do hope it was your mum t875I am sure that must of bought you some comfort.First of all hello Pheonixnight.Sorry beyond belief that there is yet another sad person that has joined this thread.All I can say is that I am sorry you are here but hope we can help you through these first awful weeks.Sorry also that your nan is poorly,why do people have to cope with so much at one time.
I had a sad thought yesterday,my aunt and uncle came round and was telling my niece about me as a baby ,when I realised my aunt is the only relation alive who knew me as a baby.It was a very sad thought indeed.
I find thease dark and miserable days don't help much either,roll on the springtime when all the flowers start to come back to life.I wish it was the same for people don't you ?

t875 Sat 26-Jan-13 17:32:41

oh Im with you mummylin I too cant wait for color in the garden and the flowers to grow and the lighter evenings and the sun to come out!! Here when it snows it doesn't go for a long time and its like a white blanket over everything which at the time is lovely and we have fun but after a few days i want to see the green grass and pavement! lol. And my god yes I wish it could be the same for people in the way the flowers come to life again.

I have a rose bush in my garden which has been there from when we were there and our old house, i transported it, god knows how..i swear the removal men thought id lost the plot with it in the back with the furniture grin
but anyways, im going to try and take a cutting of it and its going to be in a special tub for my mum, so that's the aim in the spring. xx

Waitingforastartofall Sun 27-Jan-13 08:45:58

Hi all just checking it to see how you are all doing. Not had a brilliant week am missing her so much. There's so many things I need her help with and I can't go to her anymore. Ive been going to visit a friend of Mums who is lovely an its been nice to talk about her, hope she becomes a good friend. No word on the inquest yet so still playing on my mind. Have decidedwe are going to do like a nannas garden at home for dc to plant and have windmills ect as where mum is buried is woodland so only certain flowers allowed and no photos, mills or such.

t875 Sun 27-Jan-13 11:04:34

Ah waiting the little nannas garden is a lovely idea. I might even do it for my two! Sending you hugs and here if you ever need a chat. Pm or on the forum. Thinking of you too while you wait for the inquests verdict, must be very harrowing. I bet you could do with going away, I know I could we didn't get to go on holiday last year as I didn't want to leave my dad

Suns out thank god!! Snows gone and bring on spring
Love to all xxx

mummylin2495 Sun 27-Jan-13 12:45:43

Nice and bright here today, I am going to go and see to the flowers at the cemetery later .I feel so much better when I have done it.Mum loved her flowers in life and so I will make sure she has them in death. I just have to wait for dh to get home from footi,then we can go ,I hope the rain doesn't come before that. I expect the new grave in front of my mum has now been filled. So many grieving families. I have sometimes thought that I wish I was a person who didn't care for others ,then I would not have to have this unbearable feeling of loss. But im not , so like the rest of you I have to carry on as best I can.But I love and miss her so much, its like a physical ache in my heart.

mummylin2495 Sun 27-Jan-13 20:00:53

Went to the cemetery, but it was so cold I didn't stay very long, just long enough to see to the flowers. I was quite amazed that some from a couple of weeks ago were still looking fresh, this in spite of the rain ,snow etc.It felt very sad there today as there were so few people around ,usually there are quite a few seeing to their loved ones grave,but not today,i expect it was the weather put them off.But I am glad that I went.biscuits hope you are doing ok and coping as best you can.
Thinking of you all.x

ssd Mon 28-Jan-13 09:31:45

hi girls, and welcome to the new posters, I'm sorry you have joined in, but pleased to see you posting here, it'll help, trust me!!

Well I'm now started the process of closing mums bank account. I had closed everything else and now this is the last thing. Mum and dad had been with this bank for probably about 50 years and now I'm closing it down. Its just one more thing isnt it, losing both your parents feels like losing your past and your childhood graually till theres nothing left, except the odd things like the way you sometimes see your mum or dad in your kids as they are growing up.

But its not enough, I just want them here and I'm so sad they are both gone, its not fair.

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