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memories and guilt of my mum

(11 Posts)
birthdaypanic Sat 08-Dec-12 00:07:29

I have read another thread tonight about op dad dying and I didn't want to hijack their thread, but it brought back so many memories of when my dm died and the guilt I felt then and occassionally still suffer from.
We knew my mum had only a few months but the night before there was no indication it was imminent. I had been to see them as I did every night (live next door) and eveything was the same as usual. The next day my husband arrived at the school where I work to tell me I needed to go home, my df had phoned dh first so he could tell me not a colloeague. I arrived at my parents house to find df distraught he had not been able to wake dm, GP had already been and said she was in a deep sleep not unlike a coma and had very little time.
I went to see her and she appeared to be in a deep sleep, df went to make cup of tea and told me GP said to talk to her because she will be able to hear. I spent some time holding her hand, telling her how much I loved her, when I noticed a slight change in her breathing it seemed more drawn out and I told her that I knew she wanted to go and it was ok. In less than a minute she passed. I have always been so grateful that she waited for me and I truly believe that she did, but sometimes I feel so guilty for telling her to go because I didn't want her to leave us.

ClareMarriott Sat 08-Dec-12 18:35:33

Dear Birthdaypanic

When you're trying to say and do the right things at a time like this all manner of emotions go through one's head. We have no control of when we are born and when we die, but we do over the way we live our lives. I ,too arrived home from work to find my mother had died a few hours earlier but as the doctor said when he came to certify her death, at least she died at home. When these are meant as words of comfort, it's difficult to take them in as such when your mind in suddenly in this numb state, but you write about both your father and yourself being with your mother, at home, when she died. I hope you take/took some comfort from that and that both of you have each other to help through this difficult time.

Wickaninnish Mon 10-Dec-12 18:24:18

I think it is lovely that your Mum waited for you and that you were able to give her the peace that she needed to pass.

I worked in a Hospice for several years and it was often discussed that dying patients were waiting for their loved ones before they were able to let go.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. The bond between a mother and her child is one of the strongest bonds we experience. I know that when my time comes it will be my DD that I will want beside me, holding my hand.

ssd Mon 10-Dec-12 19:01:52

oh god please dont say that

my mum died 14 weeks ago, alone in her flat

please dont tell me she was lonely without me


Doogle2 Mon 10-Dec-12 19:11:58

I would say that her death was the way most of us would want it to be. She had her loved ones close by and a daughter that loved her and accepted that it was her time. Really no need to feel guilty. Grief takes many forms - give yourself time.

muriel76 Mon 10-Dec-12 19:19:11

Please don't feel guilty. You were with your mum when it was time for her to go and maybe you made it easier for her - she may have been feeling guilty herself but your reassuring words gave her some peace.

I understand how hard it is to lose a parent. My dad died a horrible lonely death which haunted me for a long time. I really think your mum sounds like she had a lovely comforting end.

I hope that helps a tiny bit.

Wickaninnish Mon 10-Dec-12 19:21:31

ssd I am really sorry to hear that.

I am sure your Mum would have known how much you loved her and perhaps that is why she didn't need you to be there.

My Mum also died alone, not long after I had left her to go home to bed and my Husband died alone. He was in a coma following an accident and I spent 10 weeks sitting with him and sleeping in a room close by. The nurses sent me home to get home proper sleep and he died early the next morning.

It isn't humanly possible to be with someone every minute of every day and you shouldn't fret that you weren't there. At 14 weeks you need to wrap yourself up in the good memories that you have and take care of yourself.

ssd Mon 10-Dec-12 22:51:42

the day my mum died was my day off, I always visited her on that day...but on the day I woke up with an awful cold and felt rotten, I spent the day in bed...I never get colds, a part of me wondered if I was meant to get that cold so mum could die without me being there and seeing her as she knew how upset I'd be

but thats daft, I know

Hassled Mon 10-Dec-12 22:55:32

Sometimes people seem to need those they love near them to be able to let go, and sometimes the opposite is true - they're only able to let go when the family have gone. So either way - there is never a need for guilt.

It took me a long time to realise this - my mother died the morning after the first night I hadn't been to visit her in months, and I felt guilty for years. Now I think maybe she needed me not to be there.

chipmonkey Mon 10-Dec-12 23:11:16

ssd, my colleague's granny was dying in hospital. She had 11 children. lots of grandchildren and they all set up a vigil in the hospital so she was never alone. She hung on and hung on. Eventually one day, the family were called out by staff for a discussion and while there was no-one in the room their mother died.
The staff said that some people like to be alone when they die and won't go if there are people hanging around. Perhaps you got that cold for a reason.

Wickaninnish Tue 11-Dec-12 08:24:37

ssd I am not sure that it is that daft.

What I am sure of, is that your Mum wouln't want you torturing yourself in this way. Guilt is a normal part of the grief process but I really don't think you should be feeling guilty about this.

I am sure that all you feel now is a massive void where your Mum used to be. Try to fill that with happy memories of all the times you spent together.

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