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Friend has died, not sure of cause

(9 Posts)
roughtyping Thu 29-Nov-12 21:49:20

We found out on Monday afternoon that one of our friends, one of OH's oldest friends, was found dead that morning. He was very mentally unwell and struggled for years but we don't know cause.

I just don't know how to cope with it. He was genuinely one of the sweetest people I've ever met in my life. We don't know if it was accident or what. I keep crying, in work silly things make me well up.

He was so musically talented. OH recorded some music with him, we have lots of his tapes and books that he lent us over the years.

There's still another week to go until the funeral.

I just don't really know what to do with myself. Even if it was suicide, I couldn't be angry with him because life was just so much for him.

I don't know why I've started this, just don't feel that I'm coping very well. Feel like I should be doing more to support OH, but I don't know what. It's DS's birthday on Saturday, he's so excited.

kid Thu 29-Nov-12 21:56:38

I'm sorry to hear about your friend.
It will probably help you a little bit to write here what you are feeling rather than trying bottle it up.
It must be difficult not knowing what happened. Hopefully once that has been confirmed, it may help you begin to come to terms with it. Death is a very difficult thing to deal with, everyone reacts differently and there is no way of knowing how long it will take you to come to terms with your loss.

I hope your DS has a good birthday at the weekend. That will help take your mind off things for a little while.

bellechristmas Thu 29-Nov-12 21:58:41

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's very early days and this is clearly a big shock. Take it one day at a time and don't worry about crying at work, they'll understand. I hope you're okay.

roughtyping Fri 30-Nov-12 06:49:39

Thank you for your replies. Last night was the worst I've been - OH was on nightshift so it's probably to do with that. You're right, it's a massive shock. He was only 27. One of our friends is going up with the mum & sister to help clear his flat today, I think that's maybe what set me off last night. Just keep listening to his favourite bands and crying. I already lost a family friend to suicide this year. Just so tired all the time.

AllOverIt Fri 30-Nov-12 06:58:36

Sorry for your lossthanks

Bloodybridget Sun 02-Dec-12 11:51:35

So sorry about this, roughtyping, it's dreadful when someone dies so suddenly, whatever the cause. I lost a dear friend very suddenly and unexpectedly some years ago and it's the worst bereavement I've ever had - I still dream sometimes that she is still alive, because it's so hard to take in. I'd suggest taking as much time as you can to talk about him and his death with others who will be mourning him. Very hard when you have to go to work, and I think people do struggle to understand how sad it is to lost "just a friend".

roughtyping Fri 07-Dec-12 21:56:37

His funeral was today. It was actually not much of a closure. They played 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins as his coffin was taken away. It got worse as the day got on and ended up asking OH if we could leave fairly quickly at the reception (is that what you call it???). Sorry if there are typos, my vision is a bit blurred and have blind spots, v tired and it's been a long day. Can't really read screen.

roughtyping Wed 19-Dec-12 23:51:16

Can't believe it's been nearly a month since we found out what had happened. I've been really stressed with work and I've not taken time to enjoy the run up to Christmas with DS. Still find myself having weepy moments and listening to songs that remind me of him. It's started to sink in properly now, I don't have that horrible 'shock' feeling when I remember what's happened now. I just feel so sad that he was in such a sad place and wish I could've done more to make his life happier. I can't even imagine how his family are feeling. OH went to an independent artist fair thing and sold some of the tapes of recordings they'd made together, that a little bedroom label had put out. OH put a wee note up on their FB page to say that friend had passed away, some commented saying they'd been listening from Japan. Our friend would've loved that - he was learning Japanese and loved the culture and wanted to go there one day. I remember going to a Japanese restaurant with him, his first time going and he put a massive bit of wasabi in his mouth! Much hotter than he'd thought.

Sorry, I just think I can't keep telling people in real life how sad I still feel. I don't want to bring it up in work again, I think people don't know how to respond, maybe because of the way he died, maybe because he was so young, maybe because initially I couldn't talk about it. I don't want to keep reminding OH of it. He's trying so hard to look after me, I should be doing more for him.

libertychick Thu 20-Dec-12 00:03:05

So sorry for your loss. You should talk to your OH about it as it will help - don't worry about being repetitive, it's how we process things. I lost a friend 20 years ago who I still think about so just a few weeks later you are going to be still very raw.

Can you talk to his family - they might really appreciate it - so many people try to avoid talking about death but it's what the people who are grieving often need. They would probably appreciate hearing your stories about him and how much you miss him.

It will get easier with time

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