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How do you support the parent that's left behind?

(12 Posts)
Cantbelieveitshappenedagain Fri 16-Nov-12 09:59:52

Bit of a long story. My dad died about 18 years ago. then my mum met someone else and she was with him until this week when he died too. sad

When my dad died I was still living at home with mum and dad but this time I am married with DC so mum is alone.
How do I support her without making a nuisance of myself? I feel like I want to phone her and did just a while ago but the man was there sorting out the funeral.
I don't want her to feel lonely but I want to give her space too.
How do you get the balance right?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Fri 16-Nov-12 10:11:14

Just be there for her, let her know that she can talk to you anytime and that you will always have time for her.

When my mum died, for the first while I used to phone dad every day just to make sure he was ok.....evenings were the worst time for him as busy busy busy during the day but then evenings come, sit down, lots of time to think.

Is she near you?? Can you see her regularly or is she quite a way away. My mum and dad lived about two hours away, when mum died I was there anyway so stayed for 5 days with him to get funeral etc sorted out and then when I went home I just kept regular phone contact.

ssd Fri 16-Nov-12 10:32:35

exactly what Betty said ^^

(hi Betty, am reading your book - many thanks xx)

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Fri 16-Nov-12 10:40:33

Hi ssd - I hope you are finding it helpful. I used to read it and sit there nodding. Sending you lots of love x

Cantbelieveitshappenedagain Fri 16-Nov-12 11:23:53

Mum phoned me back, sounds like lots of people have been trying to phone her today and all while she was trying to sort the funeral. sad
Anyway we had a good chat and I told her she can phone me anytime.
I guess it is quite busy straight after someone dies.

We are in the same town so doesn't take too long to drive over to hers.

thanks x

Cantbelieveitshappenedagain Fri 16-Nov-12 11:25:39

I still feel quite shaky and tearful. I guess I'm not quite over the shock yet as it was all unexpected.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Fri 16-Nov-12 11:30:11

It's good that you are close.

Yes, she will be busy now so really it is after the funeral that you need to be careful. People will drift back to their own lives and stop bothering about her so much and that is when you will need to make sure she is ok. People can go back to how they were before but she never can so yes, that is when she will need you more, just whilst she is finding her feet.

Hugs x

ssd Fri 16-Nov-12 17:20:02

agree totally with Betty, again!

its 11 weeks since my mum died and people seem to have forgotten, whilst all the time its all I can think of

op, please make sure you talk to your mum about your dad and let her talk about him, I'm desperate to talk about my mum but apart from dh and the kids there's no one to talk to about her

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Mon 19-Nov-12 10:56:28

ssd - I am sorry darling that people are forgetting what you are going through.

Message me anytime...I am on here day times in the week so if you need an ear or a vent then you know where I am.

I lost a couple of good friends when mum died.....I had always been there for them but when mum was ill/dying they were nowhere to be seen and I can't forgive them for that sad

Wickaninnish Tue 20-Nov-12 15:22:14

As the one who was left behind I echo much of what is being said here.

In the immediate aftermath of a Partner's death you are flooded with kind thoughts and totally occupied with trying to deal with all of the practicalities. You are also numb, much of the time passes in a haze as you try to grasp what has happened and how it will affect your life.

Although you Mum will need you now it is later that your support will become much more important. I always think that when you lose your parents you lose your past and your history, but when you lose your partner you lose your future. It will be in the weeks, months and years to come that your Mum will need someone to help her pick up the pieces and see that she does still have a future.

I will never be able to thank my own daughter enough for her constant love and support over all the years since my Husband died. Without her and my Grandchildren my life would have been incredibly empty and lonely and I am sure that I would not have achieved the sense of inner peace that I feel today

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Wed 21-Nov-12 10:12:10

Wick you sound lovely.

Wishing you lots more peace xx

Wickaninnish Wed 21-Nov-12 17:23:21

Betty dont want to hijack this thread, but thankyou !!

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