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Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

(971 Posts)
chipmonkey Tue 13-Nov-12 20:36:33

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

SaintVera Sun 30-Dec-12 01:00:23

cafe I would have thought it is very important to tell your DS about his sister. You could show him pictures now and explain as he asks. My DD's dad died when she was a year old and she doesn't remember him of course, but I always told her about him. I wish I had made more of a point of marking his birthday - he has slipped away and it is a real sadness to me. I had DS when DD was 4 and his disabilities just took over my life.

Sounds like you needed a couple of duvet days cafe. Tomorrow is another day..

I did jack shit today too and I meant to tidy the garden in preparation for DS's little tree in a pot. But I did nothing. I don't think the endless rain and the post Xmas slump helps.

white I think I will do what you do and say I have three children. If the conversation goes further, then maybe I will say DS died. Like you cafe, i don't want to deny DS's existence, but I hate the discomfort of others that follows the revelation that my son is dead. You have to judge carefully who you share it with don't you. Some people make you feel worse for it and I feel shit enough.

expatinscotland Sun 30-Dec-12 02:45:54

Thanks for the blog!

Should have been a good today, but it was all I could do not to choke with sobs.

We took DD2 to the ballet. Every single step all I could think is how much Aillidh would have loved it, and how DD2 will never, ever have a sister to share her life with.

cafe, how are you? Look: ONE STEP AT A TIME! Think of it like this: have you ever taken on an apartment or house that's a shit trip? Or, if you're like me, your home has become a shit trip? And it's so overwhelming. You want to run, but you can't. So here's what you do: start with one drawer. That's it. Tell yourself: one drawer and I can stop. You'll probably go past the one drawer, but when you stop, set the timer. 20 minutes, and then you have to go back to the drawer for 20 minutes. I'm serious: SET A TIMER. One drawer. That's all you have to do.

New Year: no plans but to thinking about the first year without Aillidh. HOw many more?

Went to see Les Miz, and of course, there's an advert for St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. So I went on their site. Of course, Aillidh had the same shit odds there as she had here. 47% at best, but of course, she had the FLT3 within the high-risk group and this was not remitted in induction. So really, it was shit. Just shit. And instead of being in the lucky 19%, she died.

expatinscotland Sun 30-Dec-12 02:58:41

And please, please tell your son, cafe, that he has a sister. She is a human being who lived here on this Earth for 4 years. She's as much a part of him as she is of you.

cafecito Sun 30-Dec-12 05:12:23

oh expat it's just so unfair, why Aillidh, when she had so much to give to the world sad it's shit. Must be hard to see DD2 growing older without her sister, in a way I am grateful DS is a boy because I can't really compare them. I think you're both right, it's important to tell him about her. He wouldn't exist if she hadn't been so ill/died, which is a strange thought. I'm feeling really sad about it all now, as if I lost the one thing that made me whole. I am being quite self destructive. Point in hand - intended to go to bed an hour ago... failed...
Saint it's good you told your DD about her dad, though I'm sorry to hear that happened. My mother never spoke about my father, all she would say was that I was a reminder of the past and she wished she never had me hmm lovely stuff! but yes little stories about him from other relatives or friends are all I have, but they are precious and I've never forgotten a single one.

expatinscotland Sun 30-Dec-12 07:47:05

How do they live, our children, now?

Well, they live through us who are still living.

As long as we share our children, with one another, with those who understand, you see, there is something left of them.

What would be my wish, if I were granted only one? It would be no different from all my friends here: for every mother to have her child back, well and whole, cured of whatever ill that beset them before they died. I would have EVERY single one of them back, I'd have every one of those mothers sent back in time and their child lived.

chipmonkey said it best, in another thread, no exception will be made, for her Sylvie-Rose or for any of us.

Do I want to live? Yes, but not very long. As another bereaved parent put it, 'If it's such a great place, why don't we all go?'

shabbatheGreek Sun 30-Dec-12 09:59:22

Morning girls xx

Cafe you really do have to tell DS - you can do it bit by bit - once you start it will become easier - thats how I have told my precious grandson. Now he says 'Tell me about my uncles when they were little boys' and he loves hearing about them.

whiteandyelloworchid Sun 30-Dec-12 12:17:29

cafe, oh yes i think it is good to tell your ds all about your dd.

yes i think marking birthdays etc is a lovely thing to do but saint v, sounds liek you had your hands totally full, no reason you can start a new tradition now.
we can make out own traditions anytime we like, really sorry to hear about your dds dad

i feel like i don't even know what will come out of my mouth when asked certain questions, but i'm getting less and less worried about other people, i don't think any of us should feel bad for bring down the atomshere or whatever if someone asks us how many chiildren we have or any other personal questions, people shouldnt ask nosey questions if they are not prepared to hear the answer.
i know some people are not being nosey as such but trying to make conversation
but its not our responsibility other peoples feelings, we have enough of our own emotions to cope with

but i totally respect the choice to simply say, i have x amount of children, its our information which we may or may not choose to share

i don't know if i'm toughing up or just becoming more bitter really

whiteandyelloworchid Sun 30-Dec-12 12:21:12

not much of 2012 left now

wish i wasn't so skint, i'd love to jet off on holiday somewhere sunny, or at least have something good to look forward to

Kneecaps Sun 30-Dec-12 13:50:13

Oh how I would love to fly somewhere sunny now too! I suppose I'd just bring myself with me though and probably couldn't relax anyway.

Cafe you definitely need to talk to your ds, no doubt about it.

I'm not normally hugely superstitious, but the only flower in our garden is a white rose on a bush my sister planted for Seán - kind of strange in late December don't you think?

SaintVera Sun 30-Dec-12 17:25:00

Hello ladies.

I love the idea of your Sean's rose kneecaps...shining bright on these dull days.

I made a start on the back yard today which felt good. As I worked, I thought I would also like a bench with a plaque for my Sean in the yard, along with the tree in a pot and a beautiful pebble with his name on. I can sit there when it is sunny, close my eyes and think of my beautiful boy. He liked to bask in the sun. I am also thinking of getting a pebble for DD's dad. You are right white, we can make our own traditions. 20 years on, he is still with us. Sean would have loved him, I just know it.

Yes please to the sunny holiday. Money isn't everything but it does get me down that I have so little.

chipmonkey Sun 30-Dec-12 17:45:55

Kneecaps last summer a pink rose appeared in our garden. We didn't plant it, it was a wild rose. I swear it was her making it happen.

expatinscotland Sun 30-Dec-12 23:12:38

Almost forgot tomorrow's New Year's Eve until someone reminded me. sad

whiteandyelloworchid Mon 31-Dec-12 15:53:57

this am dd asked me again, if ds would even come back or will he be dead forever sad

feel so sorry for her, this is not the life i wanted for her

just want to escape, pack up our stuff and just fuck off somewhere, bollocks to school and dhs work
just bollocks to it

whiteandyelloworchid Mon 31-Dec-12 17:14:18

expat sorry you had to endure those idiots in chat

SaintVera Mon 31-Dec-12 18:55:59

white I hope the feeling passes xx

I am due out soon - listening to the driving rain outside, and wishing we could just not go. I have no appetite for seeing the new year in. I feel it is raining for Sean and our dead children.

I won't wish anyone a happy new year as that would be meaningless but I want to wish you all and myself some comfort in the New Year and some good times and new, interesting experiences, among the inevitable painful times.

We don't know each other but you have all been like friends to me on here. I lit a candle for us all today, and I thank you for being here, despite it being the last place anyone would want to be xxxx

matildawormwood Mon 31-Dec-12 23:30:27

Thinking of us all tonight and wishing us all the strength and love and laughter we need to carry on through the dark times - and hell, why not, I'm wishing us some happiness too. God knows we all deserve some, even though it might seem elusive, or even impossible right now. Maybe I'm deluded, but I'm still wishing it for us all. XX

expatinscotland Tue 01-Jan-13 00:08:56

Much, much love to all of you!

whiteandyelloworchid Tue 01-Jan-13 00:58:15

wishing everyone here peace love and calm for 2013

MiaAlexandrasmummy Tue 01-Jan-13 02:57:52

Love and light to the Amazons of the heart here. You are all so special.

Love and light to all our beautiful, amazing children who live in our hearts forever.

Helyantha Tue 01-Jan-13 13:35:08

Love and light indeed Mias - to shine a little ray of hope on dark days.

Remembering and celebrating my glorious boy xx

SaintVera Tue 01-Jan-13 23:27:53

I like this poem. I wrote it down in my little black book of quotes and poems that speak to me in my pain.


You didn't die
you just changed shape

became invisible
to the naked eye

became this grief

it's sharpness
more real

than your presence was

before you were separate to me
entire to yourself

now you are
a part of me

you are inside my self

I call you
by your new name

'Grief...Grief! '

although I still call you

Dónall Dempsey

cafecito Wed 02-Jan-13 04:05:46

Saint, thank you for sharing that poem, it's spot on isn't it sad

Feeling very grumpy here, just stressed about exams but cannot focus instead spent today (meant to be studying all day) wandering about London feeling sad, spending money I don't have on things I don't need (running tights and law books, and came dangerously close to an ipad but thought better of it) and generally not achieving anything. I am now sat here with file and books and about to start some work. Also sick of my insomniac ways, have decided to stay awake all of tonight and not do my usual thing of sleeping at silly times, but stay awake all tomorrow and then go to bed early hmm
meanwhile, last night was not the best night for working with the ambulances!

expatinscotland Wed 02-Jan-13 04:23:43

Hi, all. Need to start packing for our return on Sunday and take off this weight I've put on here eating everything in sight.

Thinking of everyone here.

cafecito Wed 02-Jan-13 04:33:30

I'm looking forward to a fresh start in 2013. I need to lose some of my rapid weight gain (I have doubled my body weight in a year!!) will try and do things better this year. studying, finances, and so forth. Have started with paying off my over-overdraft- now, onwards, putting one foot in front of the other every day.

expat, I hope this year treats you as best as it can -

Kneecaps Wed 02-Jan-13 15:13:04

Hi everyone. Hope you all have a peaceful and calm new year and that we all learn to "live with it" a little bit better.

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