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For Anyone grieving for one of their parents,you will find support here.

(362 Posts)
mummylin2495 Wed 07-Nov-12 21:50:04

hope you all find this ok,the pages were just refusing to load up and messages taking so long.thats why i had a double post on other thread.

mummylin2495 Mon 10-Dec-12 10:28:09

Sorry to be a nuisance everyone but i am having trouble loading this page so there is a new thread here

ssd Sun 09-Dec-12 15:33:04

hi t875, doing a page is a good idea, I like that

I know it sounds daft, but this weekend I was out with my cousin (who is 72) and her daughter who is my age, who I get on well with.....we went to something that my cousin bought her daughter tickets to and when I offered her money for mine she accepted it and I could have not for a second do I expect her to pay for me but it just brought it home there's no mum to treat me now, my cousin often treats her daughter, that's normal, but it just reminded me mum will never treat me anymore, I'm on my own now...and in my family there was never anyone else who'd treat you apart from mum............sad

t875 Sun 09-Dec-12 14:15:19

cruse mentioned to me to about doing a page of all my mums favorite things, so i went on google and i have done a page. I have cupcakes, cats, {she loved them} kleeneze believe of not, loved a bargain, hehe essentials and prima we loved our magazines, i used to pass them onto her smile and when i read it now I read off whats inside and say "what do you think of that mum" I have a robin on there as i have seen a robin a lot in the garden over the time of her passing and on and off through the summer. Roast dinner she loved it oh and fish and chips! Theres perfume as she always smelt lovely, and there is pictures of accessories as she loved bangles, necklaces etc. crafts, knitting, Its nice to see it all on a piece of paper, im going to laminate it and again im sure she loved me doing it. and i had written on it said Mum always and forever with me xxx

t875 Sun 09-Dec-12 13:49:15

I do know what you mean and it is very unfair it is very hard to think like it and like you i tell myself off but you just cant help how you feel ssd, it makes us bitter and angry and these are all very normal feelings.
((big hugs))

Mummylin - what you wrote to your mum was lovely, im sure she saw it and thought the same. I will do the same.

I am very behind on this thread so i apologise if i havent been able to be here as much as i would like have been. Sending love and support to all those that are going through hard times, my thoughts are with you all.

It was hard here for me, we got the tree out and the decs, cried when i saw all the special bits that reminded me of her but got through it, couldnt put the christmas music on but the tree looks nice and the girls helped! We done special things in relation to the christmas tree and decorations. I want to get a special tree decoration for our tree and for my dads..yes he is putting up the tree we are helping him, it wont be easy but he wants to do it for her.
im sure she was around us watching and smiling. Gotta trudge on eh xx

ssd Sun 09-Dec-12 10:19:21

everywhere I turn there is girls my age with families like mine , with their mums...its just everywhere.......last night the 4 of us went for something to eat, at the next table a couple with kids our age came in , followed by what looked like her mum and dad, god I just stared at them, must have looked rude.........then my ds's pals mum came to the door looking for her son, said we're going to celebrate his birthday today at my mums tonight.....then seen another pal at the local shop, with her mother, she said mums here to take care of me I have a cold..........then spoke to relative, her mum is going to see her in a play this week..........all these girls are my age, why do they still have their mums (and some their dads too) and I've got no one....its so bloody unfair.....I know there are worse things in life, I know that and I should be grateful for what I do have..........but a secret part of me is wishing the world would catch up with mine and some of my friends would know what its like having no parents instead of having their mums fit and healthy at their beck and call,my mum was frail and elderly and needed me to be her mum for the last 8-9 years, I feel I haven't had a mum for that long, instead of me always being the odd one out having no mum or dad any more whilst my friends still have the company/support etc having your fit and able parents gives you

don't think bad of me for saying that, it sounds like I mean bad, I don't, I just wish it just wasn't in my face continuously , I look at girls my age and older and all I think is why do you still have your mum and I don't, and it kills me

god I'm a moan these days, I need to pour it out hear as dh doesnt talk about it now

ssd Sat 08-Dec-12 23:38:44

I'm glad I didnt offend anyone talking about money. Of course the money was the least of my troubles losing mum, but now its Xmas I'm just very aware my kids have no gifts now from any grandparents and I feel so bad for them, we cant make up for this, financially or emotionally. I know a few friends who lost their parents and sold the family home and the money gave them a bit of breathing space, I'm just aware we'll never have that, at least my kids'll have it some day.

mummylin, thats a lovely message to your mum, I'd like to post one but I dont know where to start


crazykat Sat 08-Dec-12 21:37:42

dreams i know what you mean about being friends with your parents, my mum is my best friend, i can talk to her about anything and we speak on the phone every day and i know it will take me a long time to get used to not being ablt to do, i'm still getting used to not being able to call in to see my nan on the way back from school and it's over a year since i lost her.

maybe my parents street and mine form a t-junction and they live opposite the end of my street if that makes sense, we walk past on the way to DCs school and they love waving to her as we pass. it's nice that i'm able to call in every day to see her, even if it's only for a quick chat but it's bittersweet as it will be so hard to walk past several times a day knowing she's not there anymore. my nan lived with us from when i was very young and i still find myself thinking i'll call in to see her.

mummylin that's beautiful and so moving.

i worry for my dad, he is very much the steriotypical ex-soldier and keeps his feelings to himself but from the little he's said i get the impression he thinks the doctors were wrong and my mum will have a lot longer. while i obviously hope this is true i have to face facts and i can see how much weaker my mum is compared to just six months ago. he's never really lived alone, he left home at 15 and joined the army, then married my mum, he'll never admit it but he'll be devestated and i hope he'll let me help him.

mummylin2495 Sat 08-Dec-12 19:33:21

Thanks maybe ,have started a new thread here

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Sat 08-Dec-12 14:42:50

mummylin that's beautiful. You said you are struggling to get the long threads to load - would you like to start a new thread and transfer your letter to your Mum so you know where to look?

ssd sorry you are struggling. Not offended about your talking about money - it's a very real and tangible gift from a parent that you feel you are missing. I don't know what to say that can help but all you are feeling is allowed and I'm glad you feel you can tell us, better out than in as they say! I hope 3013 is a better year financially for you and your dhs job is more secure...

mummylin2495 Sat 08-Dec-12 13:11:17

To my Mum Mum i am now facing the second Xmas without you.You are constantly in my thoughts.Who knew that when i said to you " bye mum i will see you tomorrow" that tomorrow would never come for you.My life was shattered and i feel it will never be the same.You were such an important person to me and i miss our daily chat and cuppa so much.I miss your cakes you used to make us, and as yet i cannot find the recipe you used.But knowing how you kept everything ,i know it will be somewhere amongst your things { of which i have a lot of } Mum i hope you didnt suffer at all ,this is what haunts me, even now.I know it was quick and unexpected,but this made it worse for us all. I have tried to be strong and have failed miserably at times,even though you left us a letter which you hoped would comfort us all.Thankyou Mum for being so loving and for making me the person i am today.I will love and miss you always.We will meet again,from your loving daughter xxxxx R.I.P xx

mummylin2495 Sat 08-Dec-12 12:48:57

dreams what a terrible time you and your family must of gone through to lose both parents at the same time.I think that would of sent me over the brink.
crazycat Sorry about what you are having to cope with at the moment.Do come here if we can help you through it.
ssd I did have an inheritance from my mum but it is not a happy feeling ,i would give it all away if i could have just 5 more minutes with my mum.It does not help at all.The only thing is i have been able to help out my adult children a bit,which i know my mum would be happy about.You sound really down,but you have to believe that one day the pain wont be so raw or you will go mad with grief. It will get better for all of us at some point but its obvious from the sad tales on this thread that not many have reached that point yet.I myself cannot stop talking about her,i bring her into every conversation.She is constantly on my mind and in my heart,i also cannot bear the thought that i will always feel like this.But i do know from my sisters death that in time the awful sick feeling of our grief will subside.You will move on eventually ,we all have to for ourselves and for our families. xx

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Sat 08-Dec-12 11:42:12

ssd, it does get better believe me, you smile and its natural, you laugh and feel happy, I think the loss doesn't leave and there are times I still ache so badly for them, but, I can laugh about them now, the stories of their lives are being passed down to their grandchildren. I have genuinely happy times, but of course it jumps up and bites me sometimes but I've/I am learning how to deal with that. I want to pass on happy funny memories of hem to my husband and my children. My brothers and sisters feel the same.

My daughter, as I said, is now 18, I found a photo of her and my god she looks identical to my mum, that gives me so much pleasure! But then I feel sad that she can't remember them or that my husband and young son never knew them, but I try to bring them alive with stories of them.

It does get better, hold on in there, much love to you and others going through this xxx

ssd Sat 08-Dec-12 11:39:45

seenbetterdays, that's so nice you still have a message on your phone from your mum,something to treasure... something really strange happened on my phone a few days after mum died, I got up one morning to discover about half of the numbers had been wiped from my phone, literally, mums phone number, her doctors, her chemist, her warden, all wiped away, but random numbers like the kids pals or friends I hadn't spoke to for ages had been left, it was really weird, it was almost like mum had deleted those numbers as she knew I'd have spent forever looking at them and crying and she didn't want that for me.........also another strange thing, when I was clearing out her flat with a pal, I knew the only thing of her clothing I wanted to keep was her fleece she always wore, when she died I knew straight away I had to keep her fleece, we bought it together too, anyway once I had cleared her clothes I left the fleece to one side and when I went back for it it literally disappeared..........I left all her clothes in bags to go to charity and left out the fleece, but when I went to give the clothes away the fleece was gone, I emptied out the clothes bags and went through every last one but the fleece wasn't there..........I cant see how it would have been thrown out, I told my friend that was the only thing I was keeping and we put it to one side, but it friend said do you think she took it with her as she knew you'd just smell it all the time and I get upset, but I don't know, its still a mystery to me

you'll all need to excuse my ramblings today. my heart is so heavy and I need to start Xmas shopping, but see no joy in it, am in a hellish low mood

ssd Sat 08-Dec-12 11:23:52

hi maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh, sorry you are having a bad time with illness, I hope you start to feel better soon

I'm getting a bit worried about the posts from people who lost their mums years ago who say it doesn't really get better. The one thing I'm focusing on is "time is a great healer", I know this was true when my dad died, gradually over time I was able to say the word "dad" without bursting into tears.BUT the difference then was I still had mum and still could visit her in the house and place I grew up they are both gone I've got an emptiness inside me I can't shake and I feel so down and depressed, like there's nothing to look forward to and the future is just bleak. All around me I see happy extended families everywhere and now we'll never have that again, its just the 4 of us from now on, Xmas day, New Years Eve, birthdays, its just us 4 rattling around the house. This Xmas I'm going to put some money mum still has in her account in an envelope from her to my boys, but I'm worried the money is running out too, then there's nothing at all. Me and dh's parents lived in council houses and there was no money from anything when they died. I know that sounds mercenary here and anyone receiving any money from their deceased parents would give it all back for 5 minutes more with their mums or dads, I know that too well, but mum was the only person I could borrow money from or she used to treat the boys now and then and now she's gone the financial future is bleak too, no wee treats or nice dinners out from her anymore. I don't want to sound like I'm money grabbing, but my mum was the only person in our families who ever treated my boys , or who treated us to a meal out on our birthdays etc. and now she has gone that's another thing I;m missing, there's no one to borrow any money off and no house left to sell , just 4 weeks to clear it from the council. I know this sounds money grabbing but I can imagine this sad time is made a tiny bit easier without money worries on top. I know nothing makes up for losing our mums and dads, but I'm just being honest. Dh has been told he might lose his job come April and I earn NMW and everything has been a struggle for so long, without my mum being kind to us at Xmas its going to be hard this year, as well as her not being here.

god I know its awful to talk about money at a time like this, but with 2 teenagers and xmas its very relevant to me just now

anyway what I was saying earlier about it not getting better is worrying me, this empty, lost feeling cant stay with me the rest of my life, I don't think I could take it, I'm hoping it fades into simply missing my mum instead of aching for her all the time

I hope I haven't offended anyone talking about money, I'd give everything I had for the chance of a minute on the phone with my mum again, I know you all would too....the reality of her passing is sinking in now and the future is bleak, in all ways

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Sat 08-Dec-12 00:17:22

Hello everyone, such sad sad stories. Testament to how precious parents are - even when they drive us mad!

crazycat that news must have been such a shock for you. Are you close dsitance wise to your parents - will you be able to spend as much time as you want with your Mum? I'm so sorry you have to go through this. If we can do anything to help?

Thinking of all of you - am having a tough time illness wise so can't type much just now but just wanted to say hello. xx

seenbetterdays Sat 08-Dec-12 00:13:47

Hi, just wanted to say that I have a phone message from my mum left just a few moments before she collapsed with a brain hemorrhage. I was out when she phoned. Busy as usual. She never regained conciousness and died 3 days later. It was 3 years ago. I still listen to the message just to hear her say "hello it's mum". You never really get used to it. We were so close. Her voice still comforts me, she sounded happy and obviously had no premonition of what was about to happen.

ssd Fri 07-Dec-12 23:17:04

oh dreams thats such a sad story, how heartbreaking for you. But honestly you can say whatever you like on this thread, people do want to hear. I find it comforting I dont need to explain myself here, I know you all just get what I mean, without a big explanation needed. I feel I really need to talk about my parents and I just dont get the chance in real life as no one asks....and I feel uncomfortable, almost desperate bringing it up...guess thats what you mean too. I was friends with my parents too, I know what you mean, losing them both is like something I cant explain, the yearning for them is indescribable.

hi crazycat, I'm sorry about your mum, its an awful thing to face sad

again, hugs to us all xx

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Fri 07-Dec-12 22:24:21

Crazy cat, many hugs and much love. You will carry on darling for your children, you will plant a smile on your face for them and somehow you will amaze even yourself with your own strength. But, it is important that you also have some time just for you over the next few weeks.

Is you mum at home or hospital, are you able to be with her as much as you need to be? Xx

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Fri 07-Dec-12 22:18:23

Sorry, also wanted to say they were 59, not sure why I always feel its important to state their ages, but it is for some strange reason. My daughter is 18, and it really hits as my sister was 17 when they died, I was so tied up with my own feelings I let her down somewhat, look at my daughter today and feel so heartbroken for my sister. She claims its fine as it was easier for her as she was still a teenager and hadn't become 'friends' with mum and dad at that stage, so she reckons she grieved and moved on, I'm not so sure and thinks she says that's as self preservation.

Oh dear, sorry once started I'm now rambling, have learnt not to say to much to people as I always feel that they don't really want to hear.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Fri 07-Dec-12 22:10:29

Sorry, everyone said it was really sweet at the time to try and comfort us I suppose, but it wasn't. I still feel so angry that we weren't enough to keep on of them alive. We were such good friends, and I really was a parent person, hope some people here understand what I mean, many of my friends had only parents but mine were my friends, I relied on them so much.

Reading through for so many of you, I wish I could say something to take away the pain for each of you. The one thing I remember so much from that time was that my very young daughter kept me going, having to wake up and smile, keep some normality, even carrying on with some sort of Christmas for that year and the next.

I think the physical pain I felt was one of the worse things, waking in the morning and for a couple of seconds it's ok. But, it does lessen and eventually you find yourself smiling and really meaning it.

I could right an essay of things from that time, insensitive people at work, insensitive friends (still get that one, one v good friend telling me she wouldnt no how to cope without her mother, thanks) crap counsellors, I so wish I had a mumsnet then, think it would have made so much difference.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Fri 07-Dec-12 21:59:17

Well they died within a few hours of each other, my Mother had terminal cancer and was very ill after a bad dose of chemotherapy and my Father had a fatal heart attack, Mum died a couple of hours later, I truly believe they were both heartbroken, I love

crazykat Fri 07-Dec-12 20:50:55

I've just found this thread, and you all have my deepest sympathy.

I haven't lost a parent yet but my mum has just been told she only has two months to live. In some ways it feels like I've already lost her and I can't stop crying. I'm dreading christmas but have four young kids so have to make it special for them.

What makes it worse is that I lost my BIL two days before my son was born in october which was also four days before the frist anniversary of my nan's death. I grew up with my nan living with us and she was like a second mum to me.

I don't know how I'm going to go on without my mum. If it weren't for my dad, DH and kids I don't think I could. It feels like I'm losing everyone and I can't help wondering when it will stop and who I'm going to lose next.

This time of year should be filled with joy not sadness, even more so for us as my, DH, our oldest three DC's, SIL, FIL and two nieces have our birthday's between next week and the middle of february. All I can think about is whether or not my mum will still be with us then.

ssd Fri 07-Dec-12 18:01:01

yes, its when that time comes that everything sinks in and everythings done and we have no distractions to occupy us...yet all I can do is think about what I'm missing, whilst no one ever mentions mum at all now

mums death has brought right back dads death, feel I've lost so so much, am totally yearning for them both and their love and care for me, I feel their loss so deeply it hurts

hi dreams, sympathy to you too, I dont want to ask too much but I think you lost your mum and dad together, thats so awful and impossible to take, I'm so sorry xx

waitingforastartofall Fri 07-Dec-12 14:48:47

You sound lovely, I think each date seems so hard because there is a run up. I have been so busy lately that I'm dreadin the aftermath of Christmas when I have no distractions

t875 Fri 07-Dec-12 14:33:10

Yeah it is hard to hear my dad like that..all i can do is be there and just spend a lot more time with him and phone him. Thankfully that wave has passed, he is generally doing ok killls me when he gets into that stage though.

Yeah i think it will be the same here when the tree gets put up. I have a lit up decoration a ceramic house with lights small one already out to break me in, the kids said to me so are we celebrating this year i said of course we are we have too, nanny would want it and we need to for all of us, but my god its very hard to think she wont be around. some days are tougher than others. I don't think easter will ever be the same though as that's when we lost her, luckily easter date moves around.

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