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For Anyone grieving for one of their parents,you will find support here.

(362 Posts)
mummylin2495 Wed 07-Nov-12 21:50:04

hope you all find this ok,the pages were just refusing to load up and messages taking so long.thats why i had a double post on other thread.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Tue 20-Nov-12 23:29:47

I must look like a right lunatic in these posts, first I'm sad, then angry, then sort of happy about something. I've no idea what I am feeling at the moment sorry.

Waitingforastartofall Wed 21-Nov-12 08:00:37

mums Christmas vouchers arrived the week we were told there was nothing they could do, stepdad sent us out with orders to buy everyone a present to remember mum by, was the most surreal shopping trip I have ever been on and just hope that we did her justice she was fab at buying for people. I don't think people mean to be stupid or say odd things but I've had some really stupid comments. Can't believe its going to be Christmas without her want to stay in bed all day but got to make it for the dcs

Waitingforastartofall Wed 21-Nov-12 08:01:51

You don't at all stickem be kind to yourself. I have been the same mad laughter one minute at some funny memory or something the kids do then I end up sobbing sad.

ssd Wed 21-Nov-12 08:56:56

thanks mummylin and stickem. I realise I do need to rant on here cos there's no one in rl who gets it, no one at all. My own sister visited and didn't mention mum at all, its now 10 weeks since she died, that was my sisters first visit back here since mum died, I thought she'd want to visit where we put mums ashes or go through her stuff but no, we went to the shops and mum wasn't mentioned, even though I was waiting for it, she just showed absolutely no interest, not even a how are you doing.
Then my stupid overly religious relatives in America who post how much they love god and how Christian they are cant even be bothered to ask how I am, they just "hope I have a great day", they can all piss off.
My brother who was great for a week when mum died has gone back to his life and hasn't phoned since, I've got no other family.

So yes I'm pretty angry and a bit more than hurt. But as t875 said, you don't forget these things, this time is in my memory now.

Its actually just 10 weeks since mum died, I though it was more. The past ten weeks have been like another lifetime to me, I'm not the same girl I was before. I hope I'm a bit wiser and a bit more guarded, I was the sort of person who'd drop everything to help you and always offer advice or a hand to anyone who needed it. But I'd do that far less now, just for the few people who have been kind and shown some thought to me. The rest will wait for my help now, they don't deserve it.

I did phone cruse a few weeks back but they said it was too early to see someone, they gave me a phone number but tbh I think I get as much posting away here like a mad thing, it so helps to have others who who understand, who actually loved and cared for their mothers or their dads and who have also experienced grief, not someone like my sister who seems to be totally unaffected by her mum dying. or who can go back to their life a week later and forget about her then.

so thanks everyone and if my posts offend anyone then sorry, that's just to you all here, not to any of my family who should know better.


and I'm sorry to the new posters who've joined us xx

MumOfStan Wed 21-Nov-12 12:40:22

Hey ssd don't apologise. this is a safe place where you are amongst people who are totally understanding of what you're going through. am so sorry you're feeling this way but glad you find posting here helpful. I'm reading and listening and hoping you have a better day tomorrow. xx

follygirl Wed 21-Nov-12 12:42:51

Hello all,

Sorry that you're in this horrible 'club' too.

Tomorrow it will be 5 years since my Dad died and I still miss him terribly. He died when my children were 3 and 1 and he has missed so much.

My daughter has started riding which was Dad and my great passion. He would have been so proud to see her as she is a natural rider, just like him. My little boy is growing up so fast and I know that he would have loved playing football with him the way his other grandfather does. I have to admit that sometimes I resent my father in law's relationship with my kids as he is having the one I wanted for my dad. I don't say anything of course as that would be depriving him and my children, but I still feel sad about it.

My mum is currently the other side of the world, she always goes away during his anniversary as it still hurts her so much.

I was so, so, lucky to have had him as my Dad. I just wish I could have had him for longer.

mummylin2495 Wed 21-Nov-12 16:31:14

Sorry to newcomers on this are such a lot of thoughtless people around,but i really think that they have no idea how painful this process is.All of our worlds have been changed forever and its very hard to understand why all family members dont feel the same.In my case one brother in particular feels like me ,another brother although close to mum accepts the situation whilst i have another brother and a sister who just carry on as though its normal.It will never be normal again,normal is having my mum here ,normal is mum bringing a homemade cake round,normal is getting a text from her,normal is seeing her arrive at my house most days for a cuppa.How is it possible to continue as though nothing has changed.? i dont understand it at all.StickEmWithThePointyEnd how lovely that you have found the drum set.That shows that your mum was thinking of her little gs,which is a nice thought to cherish.
ssd I too find it so hurtful when people say things that are not appropriate and seem to ignore what has happened.The thing is by not mentioning it they are in fact making things far worse. What a strange world we live in really isnt it.
To everyone hope you have all managed to cope for today. tomorrow is another day and we will all get through that too. thanks for you all x

t875 Wed 21-Nov-12 18:52:36

Gosh i so know how you feel, i have been shocked to the core especially how my brother has been since my mum passed, i really could have done with him to be around and side by side with me at times and he hasn't been, he doesn't talk about my mum he makes me feel awkward to talk about her which im bound too.

I am so very sorry i have been working loads and haven't had the time to look at this thread, i gathered though a lots been said about people surprising you being a different unsupported way.

ssd - I was blown away by what was said to you, really some people just don't think.. I had 'i love my mum' shared to me on f book!!! Was like wtf... please, wish people would bloody think!! :-/ Im also the same ssd i have definately changed and only bother with people that are there for me, no hangers on anymore or me making all the effort, them people are distant as so many days i havent got the energy or the brain power to make all the effort. I have got a great group of friends though who have been supportive.

I am so sorry to see more people that have had losses, my thoughts are with you, it is a horrendous time and we are here for us all to support and get through the tough times so please come here and talk.

Can anyone give advise how to tackle card shops?? I struggled today, tears streamed again when I saw the dreaded nanny cards. sad
i dont think i can honestly get cards anymore..

sending you all love and huge hugs, were all here together, and how nice what you said mummylin, we will get eachother through tomorrow xx

ssd Wed 21-Nov-12 21:37:31

thanks t875, its so good we all have each other, I have some really nice friends too, isnt it strange you get more compassion from friends and all us here than you do from your own family, thats something I wouldnt have thought possible, it just goes to show

the kids r fighting, I'll come back to this thread later or tomorrow, hope we all get a good sleep and have nice dreams! I haven't dreamed of mum yet, I did once but it was confusing, it was more of my dad in it...anyway hugs again to us all


Waitingforastartofall Thu 22-Nov-12 09:47:55

Really bad days today, coroner overruled our decision for no autopsy so that's being done this morning can't get it out of my head. Just had phone call to say grandad, mums dad been taken into hospital with severe stomach pains. Literally sick of everything. Miss my mum

mummylin2495 Thu 22-Nov-12 12:50:35

Waitingforastartofall Oh you poor thing ,now having to worry about your gandad on top of everything else.Why do all these things happen together ? I am sorry to hear about the autopsy.We also said at the time that we did not want mum to have one ,but we were told that regardless of what we wanted if the coroner wanted to do one ,they would.I understand your feelings on that.The thought was abhorrent to us and luckily it didnt happen in our case.I hope your grandad is ok ,maybe its stress related or something.

Waitingforastartofall Thu 22-Nov-12 13:06:54

We said we didnt want one, as even though mums decline was very unexpected she has been a cancer patient for 5 years. Unfortunatly coroner made the decision that they needed to know what caused her to decline so rapidly. I personally dont see what knowing what went wrong will help. I hope that it is just stress in the nicest way but hes a very old frail man who hasnt been right for some time so im not so sure. Cant get it out of my head that someone is messing about with her, feel physically sick

mummylin2495 Thu 22-Nov-12 14:42:02

I can understand how you are feeling ,i too would of been distraught at the thought of it.Yes i agree that because your mum had been ill ,why did they have to do this.Its not going to bring her back so why couldnt they have just left her in peace.This is really such a horrid day for yoy.Any update on grandad ?

Waitingforastartofall Thu 22-Nov-12 16:02:45

Nope no update other than they wouldn't say over the phone to my aunt his other daughter.

mummylin2495 Thu 22-Nov-12 16:20:21

Oh dear,i do hope its not going to be something too bad for him.i myself am on a bit of a downer today,but i think its because my friend text to say she is going to order flowers for her brother,of course now my mind has gone right back to when i did this when mum died.Hence now going all over it yet again and trying to make sense of everything.Its just so painful isnt it and i miss her so much.I feel sad that she is missing our tuesday night dinners when two of my brothers ,my sis in law,dh and mum always went out for a pub meal somewhere.We have done this for the last 5 years,in fact mum started it,its awful to think she isnt with us,but we do still do this.The first time we went after mum died was only a couple of days after and i freaked out because there was a spare chair.I had to ask someone to move it.I bloody hated it.But i do know that mum would want us to continue meeting up each week.No-one ever mentions mum and that hurts me,but i do usually mange to bring her into the conversation.Mum always did like going out for dinner with at least 3 of her children !! I hope you hear something soon to put your mind at ease.

Waitingforastartofall Thu 22-Nov-12 17:41:46

That's lovely that you still do that, I much prefer people talking about mum but like yourself am finding that they don't x

mummylin2495 Thu 22-Nov-12 18:39:03

Well i am notably a gas bag and no-one has ever shut me up yet !!But i like to talk about her,so i will !! lots. any news about your grandad yet ?

Waitingforastartofall Thu 22-Nov-12 18:43:22

He's going to be in a while needs to be seen by a renal specialist, worried sick as that's what mum went in with but then need to realise she was very poorly before, feels the same though H

ssd Thu 22-Nov-12 19:06:45

sorry to hear about your granded waiting, hope he gets treated and makes a good recovery

and yes can agree about wanting to talk about mum, I do too and theres very few to talk to about her, I want to talk about her all the time xx

ssd Thu 22-Nov-12 19:09:21

and I'm sorry about the autopsy, i woulsnt like that either, I was told if mums gp wanted wouldnt find a cause of death it would go to autopsy, luckily the gp Knew her well and said he thought it must have been a heart attack and asked me if I agreed, I said yes and that was that

can imagine how upset you must be over this, am sorry honey xx

ssd Thu 22-Nov-12 19:12:57

and mummlin, thank god you're a gasbag, if you werent and didnt start this thread I'd be locked up by now xx

t875 Thu 22-Nov-12 19:21:25

Waiting - I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I hope your grand dad will be ok. Please keep us posted! Sorry Also about the autopsy I wouldn't have been happy.

I love to talk about my mum too but there are a few that talk about her but they won't openly bring her up which I find very hard as I hate to think of her as gone!! :-(

The lady from cruse called me tonig it's very helpful as she is spiritual and believes in the other side, she said some good things. It was so nice to talk to her, such a lovely lady. I told her about my dad too and he is on waiting list but ishe said she will call him for me which is a great help, I hope he doesn't get annoyed with me though. I'm just very worried about him a bit more lately.

Thinking of you all, and sending hugs x

Waitingforastartofall Thu 22-Nov-12 19:22:05

You guys are so lovely, I am quite sad today we have had to put the funeral back because of the autopsy I just want to lay her to rest not leave her being messed with for days on end. It's been a week tomorrow its v surreal. Thinking of u all too

maybeyoushoulddrive Thu 22-Nov-12 20:00:54

Waiting how horrible for you, I do wonder sometimes why 'they' have a need to find out exact cause of death when there was already a diagnosis of major illness... Hmm, unless the findings are used to help others in the future <don't really know much about these things!> It's hard having to put back the funeral, had you already made arrangements for everything?

Hope your Grandad goes on OK - that must be hard to get your head around.

t875 glad the Cruse lady is helpful. It's so lovely that she'll ring your Dad, sometimes it helps when others use their initiative doesn't it?

* mummylin* it's so nice that your family still meet up for dinner. Your Mum must be very pleased that it's continuingsmile

Hello everyone else! I agree with ssd this thread is defintely keeping me sane (ish) I had a bit of a moment in waitrose earlier. I was looking at napkins and realised that I wont be buying Mum a special pack of them for Christmas this year sad I can't remember how many years I've been buying them for her, she always liked a posh set for visitors smile I bought some for myself instead...

We've just been to parents evening. It went really well, dd is working hard. But the teacher kept saying how quiet she is and how she has a permanently worried frown and I can't help thinking what a hard year it's been for her too. Have just had a big hug togethersmile

Waitingforastartofall Thu 22-Nov-12 20:14:40

We had already organised everything since we down so had to contact everybody, rearrange flowers dp has a week off that we can't really afford. Never rains but it pours eh. I miss her so very much its horrible every little thing reminds me of her.

Your dd has a lovely mum to help her through she will get there. Hope today has been kind to everyone

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